No, no, no, I am not pregnant! Goodness, no! I have proudly been a celibate asexual for over ten years. So ain't happening here.
My cousin's wife is pregnant. Making my grandma a great grandmother twenty three years after she was supposed to be the first time. I just found out a few days ago. I think everyone was afraid to tell me. My mother was the one who told me.
At first I was fine with it, perhaps a little numb. But now that the gravity of it all has hit I am feeling a little weirded out. Maybe a lot weirded. I don't know. Spending the day in bed. Perhaps eat comfort food. Read Bible and pray. Watch a movie.
I wish no ill will toward my cousin or his wife, and especially not toward the baby. I am actually happy for them. In fact, I am praying for a healthy pregnancy, a healthy birth and a healthy childhood for the baby.
I am feeling rather conflicted that my grandmother could easily be a great great grandmother already. Considering that Anastasia would now be twenty-two. Yet the situation will be viewed as her being a great grandmother for the first time. Both inside the immediate family, and in the extended family. The great granddaughter she rejected is tossed aside, not even a memory.
I guess she is happy about my cousin's baby. I don't know. She didn't even tell me about it. A part of me wants her to not be happy. I want her to recall the great granddaughter she rejected twenty three years ago. And feel severe pangs of guilt. I want her to understand the pain that it caused.
I know this is wrong. In fact I claimed to have forgiven her about half a year ago. Was the forgiveness a lie? Can I really have forgiven her yet still hurt? And want her to hurt? Am I a bad person for such feelings?
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
I am Responsible
I am sure to some readers the writing of my abortion experience may seem as though I am bragging about it. Or maybe that I am not taking responsibility for my part. Maybe I am placing blame on others.
It is a delicate balancing act for me. I do take responsibility for my part. But that is just it, my part. I was the one who was pregnant. I was the last in line to choose to have my children sucked out of me. I should have stood up for the sake of my daughters. The blame for the second abortion lies more on part than the first. That is a hard reality to take, but I take it. In the middle of the night I find myself saying aloud "I killed my children." Completely audible.
Am I the only one to blame? No. When the first pregnancy was confirmed I may not have been elated, but abortion sure as hell didn't come across my mind! There were others who led, maybe even manipulated me into relenting to the abortion. "Matt" for his non committal attitude. My mother for the turn around in support. My grandmother for the deception.
The common consensus is that people need to take the blame for their own actions. Yes, that is true. While the woman is the ultimate decider in whether to have the abortion; those who influence, coerce, or even at times force her, should accept their culpability in the death of the woman's child.
A few days ago I did a Google search about the statistics regarding the percentage of women who are coerced into abortion. Many websites and pro-life books state around 64%. Personally, I would believe the statistics to be at a much higher rate. From a website, The UnChoice, is this;
Full article of How Common is Coercion, here.
It is a delicate balancing act for me. I do take responsibility for my part. But that is just it, my part. I was the one who was pregnant. I was the last in line to choose to have my children sucked out of me. I should have stood up for the sake of my daughters. The blame for the second abortion lies more on part than the first. That is a hard reality to take, but I take it. In the middle of the night I find myself saying aloud "I killed my children." Completely audible.
Am I the only one to blame? No. When the first pregnancy was confirmed I may not have been elated, but abortion sure as hell didn't come across my mind! There were others who led, maybe even manipulated me into relenting to the abortion. "Matt" for his non committal attitude. My mother for the turn around in support. My grandmother for the deception.
The common consensus is that people need to take the blame for their own actions. Yes, that is true. While the woman is the ultimate decider in whether to have the abortion; those who influence, coerce, or even at times force her, should accept their culpability in the death of the woman's child.
A few days ago I did a Google search about the statistics regarding the percentage of women who are coerced into abortion. Many websites and pro-life books state around 64%. Personally, I would believe the statistics to be at a much higher rate. From a website, The UnChoice, is this;
Up to 64 percent of abortions involve feelings of being pressured to have an abortion, and other factors, such as rushed, deceptive, negligent or conflicted or profit-driven counseling, can also have a significant and often synergistic coercive effect.4 Furthermore, based on even the most minimal standards of care and human rights, such assembly-line care is exploitative at best and a recognized human rights abuse, even under liberal abortion laws.
Full article of How Common is Coercion, here.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Does He Even Remember Me?
That's a question I asked myself last night while trying to sleep.
I sometimes have dreams about getting back together with "Matt." Many times it comes to fruition. But then he disappears. Or one of us we will try to contact each other, yet missing a connection. We are never parents in any of the dreams. I never really gave much thought to any of these dreams, other than wonder where that came from after waking up.
Until last night. I was thinking about him. Thought about the good times and the bad times. And yes, there were good times. But does he remember any of them? Does he remember the woman he dated for a year and a half? Does he remember the woman whom he impregnated? Does he ever wonder if the child really was lost to miscarriage? Did he ever wonder if she was pregnant before breaking up with him? If he thought yes, did he wonder what happened to that child?
Does he even remember her name? Does he remember what she looks like? Does he remember that he was her first...everything?
I remember the first time he kissed me. I giggled. It was nothing against him. I wasn't laughing at him. I was almost twenty years old, and had never been kissed! Heck, I had never even dated anyone! It was a nervous reaction. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to say it back. He was rather offended by that. I wasn't sure if I did love him. I didn't know what love is. Perhaps I still don't. I did end up reciprocating the sentiment. But did I mean it? Did he mean it? I don't know. Perhaps, on both accounts.
I remember the first time he tried to have sex with me. I remember being swept away and taken in. Almost relenting. Then pulling back. I remember the first time of surrendering to him. The details of which would not be appropriate to speak of.
During the breakdown of 2014 I did check on Facebook to see if he had a profile set up. Not really that I wanted to reconnect, just checking to see if he was on there. What would I even say to him? Why would I tell him that I was contacting him after all this time? At that time he was in a relationship. He may or may not still be.
I have since found out that he now has a son. Doing the math, that son is less than a year younger than what Hanelore would be. Because I don't know the exact mathematics of that boy's birth month or even when Hanelore's due date would have been; I am not sure if "Matt" impregnated another woman towards the end of our relationship or soon after my breaking up with him.
There is a bit of hurt in that. Whether he was cheating on me or started a relationship soon after the break up. I can't help but wonder what was so special about the mother of his son that she was "allowed to" give birth to his child, but I wasn't. Did she have support from "Matt"? Did she have support from her family? Or was she stronger than me and stood up to them all? Is she the woman "Matt" is in a relationship with, or was recently? Does "Matt" look at his son and think that the son may or may not have a sister? Does he regret his non committal attitude toward my pregnancy with Anastasia?
I sometimes have dreams about getting back together with "Matt." Many times it comes to fruition. But then he disappears. Or one of us we will try to contact each other, yet missing a connection. We are never parents in any of the dreams. I never really gave much thought to any of these dreams, other than wonder where that came from after waking up.
Until last night. I was thinking about him. Thought about the good times and the bad times. And yes, there were good times. But does he remember any of them? Does he remember the woman he dated for a year and a half? Does he remember the woman whom he impregnated? Does he ever wonder if the child really was lost to miscarriage? Did he ever wonder if she was pregnant before breaking up with him? If he thought yes, did he wonder what happened to that child?
Does he even remember her name? Does he remember what she looks like? Does he remember that he was her first...everything?
I remember the first time he kissed me. I giggled. It was nothing against him. I wasn't laughing at him. I was almost twenty years old, and had never been kissed! Heck, I had never even dated anyone! It was a nervous reaction. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to say it back. He was rather offended by that. I wasn't sure if I did love him. I didn't know what love is. Perhaps I still don't. I did end up reciprocating the sentiment. But did I mean it? Did he mean it? I don't know. Perhaps, on both accounts.
I remember the first time he tried to have sex with me. I remember being swept away and taken in. Almost relenting. Then pulling back. I remember the first time of surrendering to him. The details of which would not be appropriate to speak of.
During the breakdown of 2014 I did check on Facebook to see if he had a profile set up. Not really that I wanted to reconnect, just checking to see if he was on there. What would I even say to him? Why would I tell him that I was contacting him after all this time? At that time he was in a relationship. He may or may not still be.
I have since found out that he now has a son. Doing the math, that son is less than a year younger than what Hanelore would be. Because I don't know the exact mathematics of that boy's birth month or even when Hanelore's due date would have been; I am not sure if "Matt" impregnated another woman towards the end of our relationship or soon after my breaking up with him.
There is a bit of hurt in that. Whether he was cheating on me or started a relationship soon after the break up. I can't help but wonder what was so special about the mother of his son that she was "allowed to" give birth to his child, but I wasn't. Did she have support from "Matt"? Did she have support from her family? Or was she stronger than me and stood up to them all? Is she the woman "Matt" is in a relationship with, or was recently? Does "Matt" look at his son and think that the son may or may not have a sister? Does he regret his non committal attitude toward my pregnancy with Anastasia?
Sunday, January 15, 2017
The Crying Child Within
There's a perpetual child within me. She cries. Not all the time. But she's crying now. Why is there a child in me? Why is she crying? I want to let her out. Yet, I want to keep her within me.
It's been three years since my breakdown of January 2014. I am not sure where to start. As the breadown did not just happen at once out of the blue. But rather gradually, until it just blew.
While I do try to avoid mentioning identifiers about myself. I think I need to mention that I used to do seamstress work from out of my home. I think that may be a good place to start.
I had left my full time job to do sewing and alterations work from home. I had been doing that during my off time from work. Business had been picking up, before quitting the regular job. There were a few lulls and pick ups.
Sometimes the lulls would be quite long. Being short on money and not knowing where my next meal was coming from could cause little breakdowns themselves. When I had the good pick ups and would be paid well it would be a balancing act between purchasing quality supplies for future projects and food.
My specialty was alterations on bridal and formal. Though I did work on most any type of sewing; from lightweight simple repairs to heavy-duty heavyweight fabrics.
The formal work was the best. I thoroughly enjoyed working with the clients, their friends and mothers.
Yet, I think the connections with the clients may have been the lead in to my break down. Ever since the abortions, in certain ways, I was perpetually young. On a subconscious way I didn't see myself aging into someone old enough to have a teen child.
Yet it was while I would be having conversations with the mothers. We would talking about basic news, local issues, politics, music from when we were younger, how things were different when we were kids and teens. Then it hit me, I was older than I felt.
It still took a while to make the connection that not only was I old enough to have children who were teenagers. I was supposed to have teenage children! I can pinpoint the moment it dawned on me that I should have teenage girls. There I was standing at the kitchen sink. Washing dishes.
All of a sudden I found myself saying something to the effect of "my child is going to college." Where did that come from? Can't remember if I said it aloud, mumbled under my breath, moved my lips without vocalization, or just a strong thought. But there it was. Not only was I talking to myself, I was talking nonsense that wasn't even relevant to my life! Then I said, "my daughter is getting ready for prom." Still didn't click yet, in regards to my past.
This would have been about January of 2014. I ended up catching a cold or the flu. Or something. Decided to rest up on the sofa. Even after coming over the sickness, I still just couldn't do anything. If I got the snow shoveled, I was good for the day. Didn't even have the desire to do any sewing.
Fortunately I didn't have any customer projects that needed done. Oddly, before this time I would be all excited to take a call for a new project. Not anymore. When the phone would ring I would avoid answering and letting it go straight to voicemail. Figuring I would listen to the message later. Couldn't feel up to that. I did not want to deal with people.
There was this feeling I couldn't explain. I felt as though I were trapped within myself. I wanted to jump out of my body and run far away from myself. Yet, I wanted to hide farther within myself. I felt as though I was crying within myself. While no physical tears were released. It was as if there was a small child within me crying.
Then, it was while laying on the sofa, for some reason I decided to Google D&C abortions. Not sure what compelled me to do that. That, that, that is the moment EVERYTHING finally clicked! No, this was not a happy moment. Not at all. D&C was the type of procedure for the second abortion.
All the memories kept flooding back. It all came full circle. I remembered the abortions. It still did not feel like a memory of something that happened to me. More in the vein of being outside of myself. Remembering that it happened to a young twenty something woman I once knew.
I began to search for as much information about abortion as I could. Still can't say why. I knew I needed help and healing. But where to look? I knew about pro-life organizations that want to end abortion. Was using all kinds of search words. In my searching I did find a few sites for healing. Some were of words of encouragement. Some gave words of help to healing. There were even a few organizations that helped directly, such as Rachel's Vineyard. Some where one could write and/or call to talk with someone.
I was not ready to take that step. What would I say? How would I even begin?
This is not the end...
It's been three years since my breakdown of January 2014. I am not sure where to start. As the breadown did not just happen at once out of the blue. But rather gradually, until it just blew.
While I do try to avoid mentioning identifiers about myself. I think I need to mention that I used to do seamstress work from out of my home. I think that may be a good place to start.
I had left my full time job to do sewing and alterations work from home. I had been doing that during my off time from work. Business had been picking up, before quitting the regular job. There were a few lulls and pick ups.
Sometimes the lulls would be quite long. Being short on money and not knowing where my next meal was coming from could cause little breakdowns themselves. When I had the good pick ups and would be paid well it would be a balancing act between purchasing quality supplies for future projects and food.
My specialty was alterations on bridal and formal. Though I did work on most any type of sewing; from lightweight simple repairs to heavy-duty heavyweight fabrics.
The formal work was the best. I thoroughly enjoyed working with the clients, their friends and mothers.
Yet, I think the connections with the clients may have been the lead in to my break down. Ever since the abortions, in certain ways, I was perpetually young. On a subconscious way I didn't see myself aging into someone old enough to have a teen child.
Yet it was while I would be having conversations with the mothers. We would talking about basic news, local issues, politics, music from when we were younger, how things were different when we were kids and teens. Then it hit me, I was older than I felt.
It still took a while to make the connection that not only was I old enough to have children who were teenagers. I was supposed to have teenage children! I can pinpoint the moment it dawned on me that I should have teenage girls. There I was standing at the kitchen sink. Washing dishes.
All of a sudden I found myself saying something to the effect of "my child is going to college." Where did that come from? Can't remember if I said it aloud, mumbled under my breath, moved my lips without vocalization, or just a strong thought. But there it was. Not only was I talking to myself, I was talking nonsense that wasn't even relevant to my life! Then I said, "my daughter is getting ready for prom." Still didn't click yet, in regards to my past.
This would have been about January of 2014. I ended up catching a cold or the flu. Or something. Decided to rest up on the sofa. Even after coming over the sickness, I still just couldn't do anything. If I got the snow shoveled, I was good for the day. Didn't even have the desire to do any sewing.
Fortunately I didn't have any customer projects that needed done. Oddly, before this time I would be all excited to take a call for a new project. Not anymore. When the phone would ring I would avoid answering and letting it go straight to voicemail. Figuring I would listen to the message later. Couldn't feel up to that. I did not want to deal with people.
There was this feeling I couldn't explain. I felt as though I were trapped within myself. I wanted to jump out of my body and run far away from myself. Yet, I wanted to hide farther within myself. I felt as though I was crying within myself. While no physical tears were released. It was as if there was a small child within me crying.
Then, it was while laying on the sofa, for some reason I decided to Google D&C abortions. Not sure what compelled me to do that. That, that, that is the moment EVERYTHING finally clicked! No, this was not a happy moment. Not at all. D&C was the type of procedure for the second abortion.
All the memories kept flooding back. It all came full circle. I remembered the abortions. It still did not feel like a memory of something that happened to me. More in the vein of being outside of myself. Remembering that it happened to a young twenty something woman I once knew.
I began to search for as much information about abortion as I could. Still can't say why. I knew I needed help and healing. But where to look? I knew about pro-life organizations that want to end abortion. Was using all kinds of search words. In my searching I did find a few sites for healing. Some were of words of encouragement. Some gave words of help to healing. There were even a few organizations that helped directly, such as Rachel's Vineyard. Some where one could write and/or call to talk with someone.
I was not ready to take that step. What would I say? How would I even begin?
This is not the end...
I'm Mad at God!
Well, not really. Well, yes, maybe. I don't know.
I am coming up over a cold that had me bed ridden for a while, other than going to work. But not only that, it is around about the time my first child (Anastasia) would have been conceived twenty years ago. Funny thing about when you are sick in bed; not much you can do except sleep, read, watch online movies, and think. The thinking is what can sometimes knock you down. Heck, even the sleeping, if you are notorious for weird dreams. Which I am.
Been having buttload of baby and young child dreams. Nothing I can really remember much of. Sometimes it can just be simply giving birth. Having the baby in my life, yet being kept at arms lengths from being able to hold her. An older child being introduced to her new sibling. Being at an airport or some sort of transportation center; handing children over to some random woman and saying goodbye.
OK. That being said; let's get to the title of this post. The phrase "hindsight is 20/20" seems to be fitting for my current situation. When I have been awake I am just mopey. Hard to clean house, fix a meal, or do any regular household chores. Just sit and stare. While not technically a thing, I would call it "conception mourning." I already Googled to see if the description existed. Nope. I guess there is a rock band by that name, or a song.
I have read that women who have had abortions will mourn many anniversaries surrounding the abortion(s). One of those times could be in regard to the time the child was conceived. Probably true for women who have experienced miscarriages.
Looking back, that could be consciously or sub-consciously. In my case, I think it is leaning more towards the sub-contentiously. January has always been a sucky month for me. Never knew why. Always attributed to coming down from the holidays. Which could easily be true. But not the complete picture.
It was about this time three years ago, in 2014, in which I had my first break down. I felt like absolute crap! Yet I didn't know why. Oh, this has got to be a whole separate post as to when my break down and memories started. I will get to that soon. Hopefully sooner than later.
In the looking back, I feel as though I am mad at God. Where was He during the "family intervention"? Why didn't He give me the words to convince my family that abortion was wrong? Why didn't He smite my family; mom, aunt, grandmother? OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. Why didn't He at least temporarily incapacitate them, to give me time to get away from them? I could have run off and hid until I could find something resembling a nineties version of a crisis pregnancy center. Where was He the night before the abortion? Where was He when I walked into that clinic? Where was He just before the abortion happened? Where was He afterward?
Actually, come to think of it, where was God when I first met "Matt"? Where was He when"Matt" was first trying to seduce me? Where was He the night I finally did relent?
As has been stated in the post about the abortion itself, I came to a "conclusion" "that there is no God." But the reality is; I rejected God before the abortion. Sure, I had been baptized as a toddler. Sure, my mother occasionally took me to Sunday school, sometimes keeping me with her during church services. Sure, I did attend church during high school. Even belonging to the teen club at church and joining the teen choir. Of course calling myself a Christian. But I didn't really have much of a prayer life, nor attended church after graduating high school.
So, basically I didn't turn to Him during any of the moments leading up to the abortion. Didn't pray for the relationship between "Matt" and myself. Didn't pray about my child after I became pregnant. Don't remember much about what I was doing or thinking in the time between the "intervention" and the abortion. But I do know I didn't pray about it.
So in the end, it is myself I am mad at me. Not God.
(Since the time of the abortion I have since came back to church. It has been a journey. Becoming a member of a denomination different than that which I grew up. Joining a church of another denomination, once again. But this time I am sticking to it to the end. Have a much stronger prayer life. Perhaps I will talk about that at a later time.)
I am coming up over a cold that had me bed ridden for a while, other than going to work. But not only that, it is around about the time my first child (Anastasia) would have been conceived twenty years ago. Funny thing about when you are sick in bed; not much you can do except sleep, read, watch online movies, and think. The thinking is what can sometimes knock you down. Heck, even the sleeping, if you are notorious for weird dreams. Which I am.
Been having buttload of baby and young child dreams. Nothing I can really remember much of. Sometimes it can just be simply giving birth. Having the baby in my life, yet being kept at arms lengths from being able to hold her. An older child being introduced to her new sibling. Being at an airport or some sort of transportation center; handing children over to some random woman and saying goodbye.
OK. That being said; let's get to the title of this post. The phrase "hindsight is 20/20" seems to be fitting for my current situation. When I have been awake I am just mopey. Hard to clean house, fix a meal, or do any regular household chores. Just sit and stare. While not technically a thing, I would call it "conception mourning." I already Googled to see if the description existed. Nope. I guess there is a rock band by that name, or a song.
I have read that women who have had abortions will mourn many anniversaries surrounding the abortion(s). One of those times could be in regard to the time the child was conceived. Probably true for women who have experienced miscarriages.
Looking back, that could be consciously or sub-consciously. In my case, I think it is leaning more towards the sub-contentiously. January has always been a sucky month for me. Never knew why. Always attributed to coming down from the holidays. Which could easily be true. But not the complete picture.
It was about this time three years ago, in 2014, in which I had my first break down. I felt like absolute crap! Yet I didn't know why. Oh, this has got to be a whole separate post as to when my break down and memories started. I will get to that soon. Hopefully sooner than later.
In the looking back, I feel as though I am mad at God. Where was He during the "family intervention"? Why didn't He give me the words to convince my family that abortion was wrong? Why didn't He smite my family; mom, aunt, grandmother? OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. Why didn't He at least temporarily incapacitate them, to give me time to get away from them? I could have run off and hid until I could find something resembling a nineties version of a crisis pregnancy center. Where was He the night before the abortion? Where was He when I walked into that clinic? Where was He just before the abortion happened? Where was He afterward?
Actually, come to think of it, where was God when I first met "Matt"? Where was He when"Matt" was first trying to seduce me? Where was He the night I finally did relent?
As has been stated in the post about the abortion itself, I came to a "conclusion" "that there is no God." But the reality is; I rejected God before the abortion. Sure, I had been baptized as a toddler. Sure, my mother occasionally took me to Sunday school, sometimes keeping me with her during church services. Sure, I did attend church during high school. Even belonging to the teen club at church and joining the teen choir. Of course calling myself a Christian. But I didn't really have much of a prayer life, nor attended church after graduating high school.
So, basically I didn't turn to Him during any of the moments leading up to the abortion. Didn't pray for the relationship between "Matt" and myself. Didn't pray about my child after I became pregnant. Don't remember much about what I was doing or thinking in the time between the "intervention" and the abortion. But I do know I didn't pray about it.
So in the end, it is myself I am mad at me. Not God.
(Since the time of the abortion I have since came back to church. It has been a journey. Becoming a member of a denomination different than that which I grew up. Joining a church of another denomination, once again. But this time I am sticking to it to the end. Have a much stronger prayer life. Perhaps I will talk about that at a later time.)
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Sewing the Seams of Healing
Way back in April of this year I wrote about my teddy bear with the seam rip in the neck. He's been fixed! Probably about a couple weeks ago. I hand stitched the seams together. It was rather bittersweet while I was sewing. There was a feeling of happiness that he would be all fixed up and better. Yet, I couldn't help but feel a bit of sadness. I couldn't pinpoint the cause or why.
Perhaps my bittersweet feelings are due to my own broken seams. My broken and busted seams. Yes, after 20 years I have finally pinpointed the hurt and despair caused by the abortions. And really, knowing the cause is not only the first step in healing, but it is also three quarters or more of the healing. Once the cause of deep seated old hurt is located, the healing can be begin.
Not saying it is sunshine, lollipops, rainbows, roses, and pink unicorns flying out my butt. In fact more like a Generation X kid scraping their knee and grandpa putting Mercurochrome on it. All the while telling you "it won't hurt. I used this as a kid, fought in World War II and I'm still alive. You'll survive." Yeah, no. It stings. It stings like hell.
Back to the healing. That first moment of realizing what has been "wrong with you" for all those years is a definite sting. You could be in the middle of the most mundane household chore or running errands and bam! out of nowhere the memory hits. Smacks you up like you have been smacked in the face by an anvil. Or at least that's how it happened for me.
As you can see from the photo above of the teddy bear (still no name for him). He still has a few places that need some more repairs. Those are his scars. Those scars give him character. They show the many years of love. I too have scars. Perhaps my scars give me character too. But those scars sure as hell ain't from love. Lust, maybe, but most definitely not love.
I have more thoughts on my healing process, but I can't really bring them to focus and arrange in a cohesive manner. Plus it might run off to be a bit off topic from this post. I will add a part two or three or four or more to this. Let the healing begin!
Teddy bear all fixed and better!
Perhaps my bittersweet feelings are due to my own broken seams. My broken and busted seams. Yes, after 20 years I have finally pinpointed the hurt and despair caused by the abortions. And really, knowing the cause is not only the first step in healing, but it is also three quarters or more of the healing. Once the cause of deep seated old hurt is located, the healing can be begin.
Not saying it is sunshine, lollipops, rainbows, roses, and pink unicorns flying out my butt. In fact more like a Generation X kid scraping their knee and grandpa putting Mercurochrome on it. All the while telling you "it won't hurt. I used this as a kid, fought in World War II and I'm still alive. You'll survive." Yeah, no. It stings. It stings like hell.
Back to the healing. That first moment of realizing what has been "wrong with you" for all those years is a definite sting. You could be in the middle of the most mundane household chore or running errands and bam! out of nowhere the memory hits. Smacks you up like you have been smacked in the face by an anvil. Or at least that's how it happened for me.
As you can see from the photo above of the teddy bear (still no name for him). He still has a few places that need some more repairs. Those are his scars. Those scars give him character. They show the many years of love. I too have scars. Perhaps my scars give me character too. But those scars sure as hell ain't from love. Lust, maybe, but most definitely not love.
I have more thoughts on my healing process, but I can't really bring them to focus and arrange in a cohesive manner. Plus it might run off to be a bit off topic from this post. I will add a part two or three or four or more to this. Let the healing begin!
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Coming Out of the Pro-Life Closet
I am torn. In the post "Do You Know Me?" I had mentioned that a friend expressed an interest in posting some of my posts/about my blog at their church's Facebook page. I am somewhat leaning that way. But still not ready to do that, yet. They would not reveal me as the writer. But I am still apprehensive about being "recognized." I would like to think that if anyone were to realize it was written by me they would not judge or think less of me. And hopefully they would not ask me about it, nor ask the friend if it is me.
Even though there have been times I have considered posting a new post to my Facebook I don't think I am able to do that. I would still post as though it were just something I came across online. Which wouldn't be too far off. As I do post about pro-life issues. Yet my friends, and family too would wonder why not only I was posting a story about "a woman who has had abortions" but that the whole blog was the telling of the "woman who has had the abortions" from her own view.
I have one friend who is not only adamantly pro-life, but can also be harsh towards women who have had abortions. This person once posted to Facebook an article about Norma McCorvey, "Jane Roe" from the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court case. They called her a b&**% and said that "she should rot in hell." Funny thing is, that the article they posted was from a pro-life website where she was talking about revealing her connection to Roe v. Wade, how she is now pro-life and her activism to stopping abortion. Did "FB Friend" even read the article or watch the accompanying video?
Of course I could block this person from seeing any of the posts. But I still, how would others react? I know I have other pro-life friends. And they have posted pro-life related items. While their reactions are not quite as extreme as above described person, they have expressed a dislike for women having abortions and not understanding how someone could have abortions. Although, they have not alluded to a dislike for the women themselves. But I do wonder what is in their hearts?
I did talk today with the friend who is the administrator of their church's Facebook page about possibly revealing the blog, but not my "real name." They said it would be up to me and would not do anything without me expressly giving the go ahead. This is something I would have to think long and hard about and DEFINITELY pray over before I made a decision. Once I go forward, I can't go back. Plus, I would not want to put them in the compromising situation of having to answer any questions should someone ask "about the author of "Abortions Sucks!".
Even though there have been times I have considered posting a new post to my Facebook I don't think I am able to do that. I would still post as though it were just something I came across online. Which wouldn't be too far off. As I do post about pro-life issues. Yet my friends, and family too would wonder why not only I was posting a story about "a woman who has had abortions" but that the whole blog was the telling of the "woman who has had the abortions" from her own view.
I have one friend who is not only adamantly pro-life, but can also be harsh towards women who have had abortions. This person once posted to Facebook an article about Norma McCorvey, "Jane Roe" from the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court case. They called her a b&**% and said that "she should rot in hell." Funny thing is, that the article they posted was from a pro-life website where she was talking about revealing her connection to Roe v. Wade, how she is now pro-life and her activism to stopping abortion. Did "FB Friend" even read the article or watch the accompanying video?
Of course I could block this person from seeing any of the posts. But I still, how would others react? I know I have other pro-life friends. And they have posted pro-life related items. While their reactions are not quite as extreme as above described person, they have expressed a dislike for women having abortions and not understanding how someone could have abortions. Although, they have not alluded to a dislike for the women themselves. But I do wonder what is in their hearts?
I did talk today with the friend who is the administrator of their church's Facebook page about possibly revealing the blog, but not my "real name." They said it would be up to me and would not do anything without me expressly giving the go ahead. This is something I would have to think long and hard about and DEFINITELY pray over before I made a decision. Once I go forward, I can't go back. Plus, I would not want to put them in the compromising situation of having to answer any questions should someone ask "about the author of "Abortions Sucks!".
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Which is the Real Punishment; Baby or Abortion?
I was thinking about the comment President Barack Obama made regarding not wanting his daughters to be "punished with a baby," in 2008, during his first presidential election.
While I try to leave political views out of my posts I believe in looking at all angles of an issue. I am not one to get my information from just one source or the other. I refuse to focus on information that leans to one agenda or the other. So I decided to refresh myself with the segment of his speech through a Google search. Supposedly, he wasn't talking about abortion or supporting getting abortions for his daughters. I watched the video clip, read the "explanations" from both sides. Yeah, it's rather iffy and can be taken either way; depending on what the person's view is already. Typical of most politicians. I will let you click the Google search here and decide on your own. Either way, the attitude of being "punished with a baby" seems to be within the pro-abortion side.
This got me to thinking; in comparison to a pregnancy or abortion, which is really the punishment? A baby is a gift. Not a gift from the woman's husband or boyfriend (or fill in other possibilities). But she is a gift from God. Would you take a gift from a friend or beloved family member and say "gee thanks, I really like this, but not right now or not ever" and then tear it up and throw it in the trash?
Remember, I have had abortions also, so I am not judging. Just reflecting and looking back.
I am reminded of when I was in the third grade, being the latchkey kid that I was, while my mom was at work I snuck into her closet to find two Cabbage Patch dolls that she was holding until Christmas. I guess I had misbehaved in school or didn't do my homework or something. So she took one of the dolls back. After opening Christmas presents that year I looked around asking my mom where the other doll was. Oops. She asked me why I thought there was another doll. I had to tell her. She was mad.
Here's my point. Kids get presents from their parents. When they misbehave the parents sometimes take away the gift. There is a similarity to that and abortion, especially when the mother is forced or coerced. Maybe even when the mother was in full decision of the abortion, whether she let anyone know about it. Whether there is pressure from family, boyfriend/husband, friends, or society they are the ones who are telling the woman that "she is a bad little girl" and should have her gift taken away as her punishment. She doesn't deserve to have the baby. Yet, it is packaged as the pregnancy being the punishment. Again, even for the woman who made the decision on her own, she too is being punished by society. Due to society's view on pregnancy during "imperfect circumstances" and abortion.
*I don't quite recall if the actual word "punishment" was used during the "family intervention" but I do remember the allusion to the "fact" that continuing a pregnancy would be a "punishment."
When making the comparisons to parents taking away a gift and pressure to abort it is almost like these YouTube videos out there where parents hammer out or shoot up a kid's expensive tech item such as iPhone, iPad, laptop, Xbox, etc. Kid misused the privilege, that comes along with such tech objects, given to them. So the parents destroy the object, while the kid can do nothing but witness the destruction. Never again to be in a useable condition or to be seen anymore.
Which is quite similar to abortion being used as a punishment. The child is destroyed. Never to be loved. Never to be held. Never for the parents to see or hear his firsts; words, crawling, walking, eating solids, attending school, extracurricular activities, marriage, family of their own. The mother of the aborted child is there to witness the destruction. There is nothing she can do to stop it. Afterwards she just stares at the destruction, not able to anything but cry. Maybe not now, but possibly later.
I have always thought these videos of the parents destroying their kids' high end toys are dumb. The parents could hold onto the toy until the kid straightens up. Give it to charity. Sell it on eBay. Do something where the item is not destroyed and can still be used.
Same with a child where the mother is currently unable take care of the child. She should be encouraged to carry the pregnancy to terms. Her family should be there to support her and the child, given resources on being able to care for the child while being raised by her. If there is no way to do that perhaps someone could step up and take care of the child until the mother is in a situation to raise the child herself. If there is no one able to do that for her then encourage adoption.
Of course a child can not completely be compared to an inanimate object. That is where the similarities differ. Yes, when the Xbox or whatever is being destroyed the kid is going to be upset and cry. But they will not look back years or decades away and mourn for the object that was destroyed. They may possibly realize they were dumb for doing whatever it was that caused the destruction of the object.
As for the abortion she will look back at the abortion and regret it. Regret that there is no way to bring back the child. She may even regret partaking in the action that got her pregnant. Of course I am looking at this from the perspective of a woman who was unmarried at the time. I do realize that there are women who are married at the time of their pregnancies,who abort. My empathy goes out to them, whatever the situation.
Another difference between the parents who destroy inanimate objects and abortions is that the tech gadget is a gift from the earthly parents. While a baby is a gift from God, our Heavenly Father. The gift from the parents is destroyed by the parents who gave them the gift. The gift from God is NOT destroyed by The Father who gave the gift to the family. But is destroyed by the world and the culture.
This is something I am finally coming to terms with. At the time of my first abortion I came to "the 'realization' that there was no God." I never knew I had that thought until sometime last year, in 2014.
*Recent additions after editing
While I try to leave political views out of my posts I believe in looking at all angles of an issue. I am not one to get my information from just one source or the other. I refuse to focus on information that leans to one agenda or the other. So I decided to refresh myself with the segment of his speech through a Google search. Supposedly, he wasn't talking about abortion or supporting getting abortions for his daughters. I watched the video clip, read the "explanations" from both sides. Yeah, it's rather iffy and can be taken either way; depending on what the person's view is already. Typical of most politicians. I will let you click the Google search here and decide on your own. Either way, the attitude of being "punished with a baby" seems to be within the pro-abortion side.
This got me to thinking; in comparison to a pregnancy or abortion, which is really the punishment? A baby is a gift. Not a gift from the woman's husband or boyfriend (or fill in other possibilities). But she is a gift from God. Would you take a gift from a friend or beloved family member and say "gee thanks, I really like this, but not right now or not ever" and then tear it up and throw it in the trash?
Remember, I have had abortions also, so I am not judging. Just reflecting and looking back.
I am reminded of when I was in the third grade, being the latchkey kid that I was, while my mom was at work I snuck into her closet to find two Cabbage Patch dolls that she was holding until Christmas. I guess I had misbehaved in school or didn't do my homework or something. So she took one of the dolls back. After opening Christmas presents that year I looked around asking my mom where the other doll was. Oops. She asked me why I thought there was another doll. I had to tell her. She was mad.
Here's my point. Kids get presents from their parents. When they misbehave the parents sometimes take away the gift. There is a similarity to that and abortion, especially when the mother is forced or coerced. Maybe even when the mother was in full decision of the abortion, whether she let anyone know about it. Whether there is pressure from family, boyfriend/husband, friends, or society they are the ones who are telling the woman that "she is a bad little girl" and should have her gift taken away as her punishment. She doesn't deserve to have the baby. Yet, it is packaged as the pregnancy being the punishment. Again, even for the woman who made the decision on her own, she too is being punished by society. Due to society's view on pregnancy during "imperfect circumstances" and abortion.
*I don't quite recall if the actual word "punishment" was used during the "family intervention" but I do remember the allusion to the "fact" that continuing a pregnancy would be a "punishment."
When making the comparisons to parents taking away a gift and pressure to abort it is almost like these YouTube videos out there where parents hammer out or shoot up a kid's expensive tech item such as iPhone, iPad, laptop, Xbox, etc. Kid misused the privilege, that comes along with such tech objects, given to them. So the parents destroy the object, while the kid can do nothing but witness the destruction. Never again to be in a useable condition or to be seen anymore.
Which is quite similar to abortion being used as a punishment. The child is destroyed. Never to be loved. Never to be held. Never for the parents to see or hear his firsts; words, crawling, walking, eating solids, attending school, extracurricular activities, marriage, family of their own. The mother of the aborted child is there to witness the destruction. There is nothing she can do to stop it. Afterwards she just stares at the destruction, not able to anything but cry. Maybe not now, but possibly later.
I have always thought these videos of the parents destroying their kids' high end toys are dumb. The parents could hold onto the toy until the kid straightens up. Give it to charity. Sell it on eBay. Do something where the item is not destroyed and can still be used.
Same with a child where the mother is currently unable take care of the child. She should be encouraged to carry the pregnancy to terms. Her family should be there to support her and the child, given resources on being able to care for the child while being raised by her. If there is no way to do that perhaps someone could step up and take care of the child until the mother is in a situation to raise the child herself. If there is no one able to do that for her then encourage adoption.
Of course a child can not completely be compared to an inanimate object. That is where the similarities differ. Yes, when the Xbox or whatever is being destroyed the kid is going to be upset and cry. But they will not look back years or decades away and mourn for the object that was destroyed. They may possibly realize they were dumb for doing whatever it was that caused the destruction of the object.
As for the abortion she will look back at the abortion and regret it. Regret that there is no way to bring back the child. She may even regret partaking in the action that got her pregnant. Of course I am looking at this from the perspective of a woman who was unmarried at the time. I do realize that there are women who are married at the time of their pregnancies,who abort. My empathy goes out to them, whatever the situation.
Another difference between the parents who destroy inanimate objects and abortions is that the tech gadget is a gift from the earthly parents. While a baby is a gift from God, our Heavenly Father. The gift from the parents is destroyed by the parents who gave them the gift. The gift from God is NOT destroyed by The Father who gave the gift to the family. But is destroyed by the world and the culture.
This is something I am finally coming to terms with. At the time of my first abortion I came to "the 'realization' that there was no God." I never knew I had that thought until sometime last year, in 2014.
*Recent additions after editing
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Straight Talk
Still writing from the sick bed today. Drinking hot tea with honey. And that is fine. It is already known I have a Twitter account. As Twitter only allows up to 140 characters sometimes I have thoughts that are more than 140 characters, yet those thoughts are rather short for a blog post. So I may just start a series of "Daily Twitter Thoughts." Just a running rambling of thoughts on my mind.
I want to be able to do this so as it doesn't come of boring. I also don't want to come off as a "crazy cat lady." I need to be careful with my words. As has been stated, I hope and pray for the ongoing story of my journey to be a help to others who have gone through the same things as me; along with preventing someone else to be in the position I currently am in. Or those who know someone who has had an abortion or possibly may have.
If I look crazy to those in the past experience camp, they may think they are crazy for their feelings. If I look crazy to those in the considering camp they will just assume my situation is an anomaly and they could never be weird like me. Anyways, I am going to try to figure out how to do this.
I want to be able to do this so as it doesn't come of boring. I also don't want to come off as a "crazy cat lady." I need to be careful with my words. As has been stated, I hope and pray for the ongoing story of my journey to be a help to others who have gone through the same things as me; along with preventing someone else to be in the position I currently am in. Or those who know someone who has had an abortion or possibly may have.
If I look crazy to those in the past experience camp, they may think they are crazy for their feelings. If I look crazy to those in the considering camp they will just assume my situation is an anomaly and they could never be weird like me. Anyways, I am going to try to figure out how to do this.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Still Healing and Recovering
Warning: The following is a bit disjointed. Firing out thoughts as they come. No rhythm or concise order of anything.
Been debating writing about this. As was stated I attended a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat about 3 weekends ago. Oddly it seems longer ago than that. Yet, it seems more recent. I have been doing that for the past year or so, since "*coming to terms" with the abortions.
*Really, can one truly come to terms with an abortion? I don't know. I can't answer that. No matter how much support one has from a confident(s), retreats, online groups, prayer, Bible reading, etc "automatic healing" will not take place. All I can do is trust in Christ. Yes, it's an uphill battle. One that I must climb everyday and trust in God. Look, I don't have all the answers. I just know I am going to fall. Heck sometimes even go snowball rolling down that hill. I know when I do fall to get on my knees and pray. Even before starting up the hill to get on my knees and prayer. Regardless of my mood. Do I always heed my own advice? No! But I must keep persevering.
Looks like I kind of went off track. Let's get back to the subject. So the reason, or one reason, I debated writing about this is that I was afraid of possibly coming off as saying that the retreat didn't help me. It did. Believe me. I don't want the following to be a discouragement to those who may be considering attending a retreat. Whether you are in the look-up stage or making plans to attend a specific retreat in your area or somewhere else; I want to tell you that despite any of your fears it really truly is a healing experience. Or part of the healing experience.
Currently, I am writing from my "sick bed." Not really like I have the flu or something. Just tired. Don't want to do anything right now. Playing Christian/Gospel/Hymn music. Reading from the Bible. Praying the rosary. May read a few verses from the Book of Psalms. Checking out the Twitter feed. Of course writing too. Playing online games, just to release some stress.
Although I am currently not at the point I was when I "discovered" that I had the abortions. That time was horrible. All I did was lay around, desiring to cry yet the tears would not flow, lay in a fetal position, wishing the world would go away. I have made some progress in that time.
I have been somewhat lethargic since coming home from the retreat. The leaders did state to take it easy when getting home and not be wonder-woman. I did try to heed that advice. But at the same time I felt like I had so much in my life and home that were neglected during my reflection time. I thought I could come home and do all kinds of spring cleaning and DIY projects. But I was also being careful not to overdo things. I would wake up, drink my coffee, sit and stare, think about the things I needed to do. I thought "the next cup of coffee will give me the energy to do things." Nope. After finishing a day of doing nothing,except for maybe the basics I would go to bed feeling defeated and lazy.
Finally, I have just collapsed. I am laying on the couch propped up by a throw pillow and a bed pillow. Doing nothing. And that is fine!I don't know how long I will be on my sick bed. And that is fine. I am not going to schedule the time I will be on the sick bed. And that is fine. I am not going to schedule things I need to do. And that is fine.
There is a photo on the sidebar along with the same photo at the top of the blog that is of the prayer and meditation shrine in memorial of my girls, Anastasia and Hanelore. I have it set up in my kitchen. It is a nice spot to be able to remind me to look to God in all my sorrows and joys. Have my devotions and prayer time there. Feel as though I have my daughters near me during meal and prep times. I am not at the point where I set a place and meals for them. Yet, I think it is now time to take down the shrine and put the memory items in a safe and secure spot, to be able to look at when I need to.
Although my hoarding issues seem to get in the way of that. Don't know why but in some ways it feels as though I am getting rid of my daughters again. Possibly as though I am "hiding them." These are issues I need to work on.
Point is; there is no one true miracle that is going to all of a sudden make my emotions be all Maria from The Sound of Music dancing in a field of flowers. And that too is fine!
Been debating writing about this. As was stated I attended a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat about 3 weekends ago. Oddly it seems longer ago than that. Yet, it seems more recent. I have been doing that for the past year or so, since "*coming to terms" with the abortions.
*Really, can one truly come to terms with an abortion? I don't know. I can't answer that. No matter how much support one has from a confident(s), retreats, online groups, prayer, Bible reading, etc "automatic healing" will not take place. All I can do is trust in Christ. Yes, it's an uphill battle. One that I must climb everyday and trust in God. Look, I don't have all the answers. I just know I am going to fall. Heck sometimes even go snowball rolling down that hill. I know when I do fall to get on my knees and pray. Even before starting up the hill to get on my knees and prayer. Regardless of my mood. Do I always heed my own advice? No! But I must keep persevering.
Looks like I kind of went off track. Let's get back to the subject. So the reason, or one reason, I debated writing about this is that I was afraid of possibly coming off as saying that the retreat didn't help me. It did. Believe me. I don't want the following to be a discouragement to those who may be considering attending a retreat. Whether you are in the look-up stage or making plans to attend a specific retreat in your area or somewhere else; I want to tell you that despite any of your fears it really truly is a healing experience. Or part of the healing experience.
Currently, I am writing from my "sick bed." Not really like I have the flu or something. Just tired. Don't want to do anything right now. Playing Christian/Gospel/Hymn music. Reading from the Bible. Praying the rosary. May read a few verses from the Book of Psalms. Checking out the Twitter feed. Of course writing too. Playing online games, just to release some stress.
Although I am currently not at the point I was when I "discovered" that I had the abortions. That time was horrible. All I did was lay around, desiring to cry yet the tears would not flow, lay in a fetal position, wishing the world would go away. I have made some progress in that time.
I have been somewhat lethargic since coming home from the retreat. The leaders did state to take it easy when getting home and not be wonder-woman. I did try to heed that advice. But at the same time I felt like I had so much in my life and home that were neglected during my reflection time. I thought I could come home and do all kinds of spring cleaning and DIY projects. But I was also being careful not to overdo things. I would wake up, drink my coffee, sit and stare, think about the things I needed to do. I thought "the next cup of coffee will give me the energy to do things." Nope. After finishing a day of doing nothing,except for maybe the basics I would go to bed feeling defeated and lazy.
Finally, I have just collapsed. I am laying on the couch propped up by a throw pillow and a bed pillow. Doing nothing. And that is fine!I don't know how long I will be on my sick bed. And that is fine. I am not going to schedule the time I will be on the sick bed. And that is fine. I am not going to schedule things I need to do. And that is fine.
There is a photo on the sidebar along with the same photo at the top of the blog that is of the prayer and meditation shrine in memorial of my girls, Anastasia and Hanelore. I have it set up in my kitchen. It is a nice spot to be able to remind me to look to God in all my sorrows and joys. Have my devotions and prayer time there. Feel as though I have my daughters near me during meal and prep times. I am not at the point where I set a place and meals for them. Yet, I think it is now time to take down the shrine and put the memory items in a safe and secure spot, to be able to look at when I need to.
Although my hoarding issues seem to get in the way of that. Don't know why but in some ways it feels as though I am getting rid of my daughters again. Possibly as though I am "hiding them." These are issues I need to work on.
Point is; there is no one true miracle that is going to all of a sudden make my emotions be all Maria from The Sound of Music dancing in a field of flowers. And that too is fine!
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Do You Know Me?
This is a post I have been having bopping about in my head for a few days. It could have a few multiple connections to it. Then in an email exchange my dummy self told my mother about this blog, just not the title or link. But more about that later.
I try to stay as anonymous online as possible in regards to the abortions. When writing I try to be as basic as possible while trying to avoid anyone recognizing me. I make sure that no one knows where I live or where the abortions took place. I avoid using names in any way. There are only a rare few couple of persons who know me and this blog, simultaneously. Telling others of my abortions is something I am unable to do. Though I am able to speak of it and my thoughts "behind the safety of a computer."
A friend who is the administrator to their church's Facebook page expresses an interest in linking my blog to one of the page's postings. The selfLESS side of me would allow it,if it would help someone who has had an abortion, those wondering about the life of a post-abortion person and/or someone in a crisis pregnancy. The selfISH side of me knows that many of my friends read that page. While I do try to be as careful as possible not to be recognized, I am still afraid that there may be that one minute thing that a friend could pick up on.
I am many persons to many people. Those who know of my Anastasia and Hanelore account don't know my personal likes and dislikes or basic bio info. I have a Facebook account on my real name. Those people know my likes and dislikes along with basic bio info. And even though they know I am pro-life and post about pro-life news and issues, they do not know about my abortions.
Sometimes I wonder if my family, friends and co-workers even know me.
Even as myself, I feel as though others don't really know me. In this fast paced world, we as a society don't take the time to know others. All we want to do is make small talk with others. We judge others. We make up stories about others. It's easier than to talk and listen to those who are hurting.
We see so many people around us. Perhaps they seem fine, perhaps not. Abortion is legal. Yet there is shame with it. No one wants to admit to having one. Maybe it is because deep down, legal or not, our consciousnesses tell us and know it is a sin.
Perhaps the girl standing behind you at the grocery store has had an abortion. What about the checkout girl at the grocery store you see once or twice a week during your shopping. You talk to her about her cats, her home, her kids, her spouse, her parents, etc. But you don't know the pain she may be hiding. I am in no way advocating that you ask her about her personal details. Just saying that many people are hiding hurts that many of us could not imagine.
It is not just about abortion either. Some of it could be sins that the person was directly involved in. Maybe it was something beyond their control that the sin was committed against them. Somebody told them they were in the wrong and they feel guilt for no reason.
One of the things that bugs me is middle age men who say to women, "Why don't you smile?". And yes, it is almost always middle age men that do that. But not all middle age men do that. I mean, REALLY?! They don't even know me! Be they customers from my job, someone in line at the store, someone from church that I don't even have regular conversations with, or what have you. I always want to ask, "do you know me?".
That's the thing with modern society. Everyone is expected to smile, smile, smile! For no reason. It would be one thing for someone to walk around with a constant frown. Even then still, if you don't know the person, leave them alone. There life is none of your business! Can't people just have a neutral look on their face without someone bothering them?
I try to stay as anonymous online as possible in regards to the abortions. When writing I try to be as basic as possible while trying to avoid anyone recognizing me. I make sure that no one knows where I live or where the abortions took place. I avoid using names in any way. There are only a rare few couple of persons who know me and this blog, simultaneously. Telling others of my abortions is something I am unable to do. Though I am able to speak of it and my thoughts "behind the safety of a computer."
A friend who is the administrator to their church's Facebook page expresses an interest in linking my blog to one of the page's postings. The selfLESS side of me would allow it,if it would help someone who has had an abortion, those wondering about the life of a post-abortion person and/or someone in a crisis pregnancy. The selfISH side of me knows that many of my friends read that page. While I do try to be as careful as possible not to be recognized, I am still afraid that there may be that one minute thing that a friend could pick up on.
I am many persons to many people. Those who know of my Anastasia and Hanelore account don't know my personal likes and dislikes or basic bio info. I have a Facebook account on my real name. Those people know my likes and dislikes along with basic bio info. And even though they know I am pro-life and post about pro-life news and issues, they do not know about my abortions.
Sometimes I wonder if my family, friends and co-workers even know me.
Even as myself, I feel as though others don't really know me. In this fast paced world, we as a society don't take the time to know others. All we want to do is make small talk with others. We judge others. We make up stories about others. It's easier than to talk and listen to those who are hurting.
We see so many people around us. Perhaps they seem fine, perhaps not. Abortion is legal. Yet there is shame with it. No one wants to admit to having one. Maybe it is because deep down, legal or not, our consciousnesses tell us and know it is a sin.
Perhaps the girl standing behind you at the grocery store has had an abortion. What about the checkout girl at the grocery store you see once or twice a week during your shopping. You talk to her about her cats, her home, her kids, her spouse, her parents, etc. But you don't know the pain she may be hiding. I am in no way advocating that you ask her about her personal details. Just saying that many people are hiding hurts that many of us could not imagine.
It is not just about abortion either. Some of it could be sins that the person was directly involved in. Maybe it was something beyond their control that the sin was committed against them. Somebody told them they were in the wrong and they feel guilt for no reason.
One of the things that bugs me is middle age men who say to women, "Why don't you smile?". And yes, it is almost always middle age men that do that. But not all middle age men do that. I mean, REALLY?! They don't even know me! Be they customers from my job, someone in line at the store, someone from church that I don't even have regular conversations with, or what have you. I always want to ask, "do you know me?".
That's the thing with modern society. Everyone is expected to smile, smile, smile! For no reason. It would be one thing for someone to walk around with a constant frown. Even then still, if you don't know the person, leave them alone. There life is none of your business! Can't people just have a neutral look on their face without someone bothering them?
Friday, May 8, 2015
Why do I write?
That, that I am not sure. Well, maybe I am. I don't know. Yesterday I finished up with the story of My Second Abortion. It was the hardest thing ever for me to write. Had it not been for the experience at the Rachel's Vineyard Retreat; I do not think I would have had the courage to write it.
Whenever I write out a post I share to my Twitter feed. Now why do I do that? Am I doing this because I want to be some "internet star"? Ah, not really. Of course I must admit that anyone online with their own websites and/or blogs want a readership following. But I am not doing this for my own adulation. I want for a conversation. I want to bring to light what life is like for those after abortion. I hope and pray for my expressions to help hurting souls who may have had an involvement in abortion some way; or maybe those who are contemplating abortion. I pray for my writings to change the hearts and souls of those who are so called pro-choice.
There are multiple pro-life websites and blogs out there. All with differing styles and purposes. Some goals are to bring to light the atrocities of the actual abortion process, expose those in the abortion industry, places to let post abortive persons tell their stories, places to encourage pregnant women and give them all the resource information, being cheerleaders to those within the pro-life movement, and like with me a place to express their own thoughts, views and expressions. And of course I would be remissed if I did not include that there are also websites that talk of other aspects of quality of life. But as for me, I am focusing mainly on the anti-abortion side of pro-life.
Along with that, I want to be able to do more than just "preach to the choir." I have never been one to shirk away from controversy. I welcome all readers. I have no problem discussing anything in my posts with pro-choice persons. If you are pro-choice/pro-abortion I ask that you remain within topic, be respectful of my views (along with other readers) and any other comments, no mocking. The same goes for the pro-life readers when in a comment discussion of a post.
Back to the writing of the second abortion. I did not write about it because I was proud and all "look at me! I had an abortion!". No, I wrote of it because it needed to be said. I had been debating writing that experience for a long time. It was a stop gap for me. Without such a writing, I was unable to go forward with anything else. Things that need to be said. Things that need to be shown to the light of day. Things that will tell of how my abortions affected many aspects of my post abortive life. Things that will help other women, and men too, realize that they are not abnormal and others or at least another person has had the same things going on.
Whenever I write out a post I share to my Twitter feed. Now why do I do that? Am I doing this because I want to be some "internet star"? Ah, not really. Of course I must admit that anyone online with their own websites and/or blogs want a readership following. But I am not doing this for my own adulation. I want for a conversation. I want to bring to light what life is like for those after abortion. I hope and pray for my expressions to help hurting souls who may have had an involvement in abortion some way; or maybe those who are contemplating abortion. I pray for my writings to change the hearts and souls of those who are so called pro-choice.
There are multiple pro-life websites and blogs out there. All with differing styles and purposes. Some goals are to bring to light the atrocities of the actual abortion process, expose those in the abortion industry, places to let post abortive persons tell their stories, places to encourage pregnant women and give them all the resource information, being cheerleaders to those within the pro-life movement, and like with me a place to express their own thoughts, views and expressions. And of course I would be remissed if I did not include that there are also websites that talk of other aspects of quality of life. But as for me, I am focusing mainly on the anti-abortion side of pro-life.
Along with that, I want to be able to do more than just "preach to the choir." I have never been one to shirk away from controversy. I welcome all readers. I have no problem discussing anything in my posts with pro-choice persons. If you are pro-choice/pro-abortion I ask that you remain within topic, be respectful of my views (along with other readers) and any other comments, no mocking. The same goes for the pro-life readers when in a comment discussion of a post.
Back to the writing of the second abortion. I did not write about it because I was proud and all "look at me! I had an abortion!". No, I wrote of it because it needed to be said. I had been debating writing that experience for a long time. It was a stop gap for me. Without such a writing, I was unable to go forward with anything else. Things that need to be said. Things that need to be shown to the light of day. Things that will tell of how my abortions affected many aspects of my post abortive life. Things that will help other women, and men too, realize that they are not abnormal and others or at least another person has had the same things going on.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
The Second Abortion
This is a hard post to write. After writing about the first abortion, in categorized posts, I was unable to go forward with writing about the second abortion. Perhaps the reason for that is mental exhaustion, feeling like collapsing after writing about it. Perhaps shame. I don't know. Maybe a bit of both.
It took me forever to even remember the abortions. Though I always knew in the back of my mind, I ignored them. Though they always affected my life in one way or another. The way I lived. The way I reacted around men. The men I chose, or more or less put up with and let choose me.
All the while I lied even to myself after remembering the abortions. I only told myself about the first one. Perhaps it was the differing reactions to finding out about the pregnancies. During the first pregnancy plans were being made for, Anastasia, my first daughter. The second time I never even acknowledged, Hanelore, the child within me. There are even more "blank spots" in this abortion.
Perhaps you may want to start and the beginning and read about the first abortions to know where my story starts and come back when you are finished; My first abortion story.
The following memories are quite fuzzy, possibly more so than those of the first abortion. So, since having the second abortion I moved away from (my hometown) and to (town my mom lived in). I was still seeing "Matt" after the move. I would drive to (his town) see him, or occasionally he would drive to (town) to see me. Of course we were having sexual relations. During one of the visits he saw my belly, it was getting bigger. In fact, I never really even noticed. He asked me if I were pregnant. I denied it, not just to him, but to myself also.
Even if after he pointed it out, I still ignored any thoughts of being pregnant. Then one day while I was at work I went to use the rest room. For some reason when I looked down at my belly I noticed that my tummy was bigger. Then that's when the reality hit that I could be pregnant. So many thoughts came running through all flashing at the speed of light.
I was scared, I recalled everything that went on during the first pregnancy and abortion. "Matt's" reaction and attitude. My mother's attitude and coercion. I really didn't know what to do. I hate to admit it, but I could not envision carrying the pregnancy to term. But I did not like the idea of going through another abortion.
I guess I picked up an at home pregnancy test after work. I don't know. I know sometime soon after I did purchase said test. Maybe it was the next day or during one of my first day off after seeing my large belly. I do remember when seeing the positive results. I know it was quite early in the morning. I was hopelessly frantic. The first thought was abortion, totally unlike the reaction to the first pregnancy.
Very odd, but the first person I called was a professor from college. I should probably back track there. See, even though I was in a relationship with "Matt" I was seeing a professor from the college I was attending. Seeing as in having a bit of a fling. The class I met him in had already finished before anything happened between us. Not that I am excusing anything, just adding the back story.
Gosh, I have no idea how early in the day it was. Just I know it was quite early. I think I woke him up when I called. No "hey, how you doing" I just simply blurted out "I have to have an abortion!". He just said "I can't talk right now." My heart just sank. I felt even more alone than I did before. I didn't even think he could be the father. He had been using condoms during our "trysts." I suppose there could have been a minuscule chance, but I was thinking of Mike being the father. I guess the reason for calling him may have been deep down I wanted him to convince me not to.
Feeling scared, confused and trapped; I looked in the phone book looking under "abortions." I found one ad that said something to the effect of "Pregnant? Feeling scared? Wanting an abortion? Call us." So that's what I did. I called. Some lady answered. I blurted out that I was looking to have an abortion. The lady was really snotty. She said "We don't do abortions!" In a very judgmental tone, and hung up. Not sure which of us hung up first.
I felt even more bad. I thought I could do this on my own without anyone knowing. Now what was I going to do? I was too scared to call anyone after that. I guessed I was going to have to tell my mother.
Looking back, the place I called with the snotty lady was most likely a pregnancy crisis center. Fine, they didn't do abortions. But why couldn't she have tried to talk to me? Ask me questions? Ask why I wanted an abortion? Tried to talk me out of it?
Later in the day Mr. Professor called me. Said he was sorry he wasn't able to talk to me when I called. He was telling me I should have the abortion and that it would probably be best. He told me that he knew others who had abortions. I still wasn't even thinking about the first abortion. It's like I remembered it, but didn't. Looking back, I wonder if he ever wondered if there was a possibility it was his child.
Fast forward to Fourth of July 1996. My family was planning on having a picnic at my grandmother's. My mother and I drove in separate cars. The plan was to meet "Matt" after both of our families had their picnics. I just couldn't face him. I didn't want to. I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to be able to see him. I broke up with him over the phone. He accused me of cheating. I denied it. Yes, I know, Mr. Professor, and all. But he didn't know. There's no way he could know. OK, so there's no excuse.
I just wanted to be alone, away from people. I left my grandmother's. Told my mom I wasn't feeling well. Drove home.
When my mother got home I broke down and told her. I told her I wanted an abortion. She never questioned me or asked if maybe I would want to carry the baby to terms. She asked if I was certain I was pregnant. I told her I was sure and that the pregnancy test had two tests in the kit. Didn't even have to wait the 5 or 10 minutes or however long the instructions said. I could practically see the results show up as I was peeing on the stick.
At some point a doctor's appointment was made. It was confirmed I was pregnant. My mother told the doctor I was for certain going to have an abortion. The insurance and the doctor was connected the Catholic hospital in town. He said because of that he couldn't refer me to an abortionist. Yet, he didn't try to convince me not to have the abortion.
Eventually I was given a vaginal exam at another doctor's office. Oddly, while I don't remember the abortionist from the first abortion, I do remember this guy. He was a short and somewhat chubby. I don't remember his name. He was either Mexican, Mid Eastern or India Indian. Had somewhat of an accent. Doing some internet searching I think, but not sure, he is someone who has gotten in trouble with the state and a few women have died under his "care." But again, I can't say for certain That it is him. I have no idea how far along I was. Not one stinking clue. I was never even told.
Then the time for the abortion came. It was done at one of the hospitals. Obviously not the above mentioned Catholic hospital. The only thing I really recall is an older lady in the waiting room. She asked what we were there for. I didn't know what to say. My mother "chimed in" and said I was having a D & C. The lady responded that she had that done after having a miscarriage. And that was it.
I don't remember anything after that. I was put on full anesthesia. Out cold. Don't even know if the doctor from the exam was the one who did the procedure or if it was someone else. I do not recall waking up from the procedure. I do not know if they had me rest afterward or for how long. I really don't remember leaving or the car ride back home with my mom. The one and only thing I remember is my mom commenting about the lady in the waiting office; saying that she was being nosy or something like that.
I think I had a day or two of recovery. Maybe more. I don't know. I think my mom went back to work after I got home. I do know that when I went back to work there was some reason I had to grab something from storage. In part of the post abortion instructions I was told I was not to lift heavy objects. Considering that no one knew about the abortion I could not just tell the manager that I wasn't going to grab the item for no reason.
The end, but not really...
It took me forever to even remember the abortions. Though I always knew in the back of my mind, I ignored them. Though they always affected my life in one way or another. The way I lived. The way I reacted around men. The men I chose, or more or less put up with and let choose me.
All the while I lied even to myself after remembering the abortions. I only told myself about the first one. Perhaps it was the differing reactions to finding out about the pregnancies. During the first pregnancy plans were being made for, Anastasia, my first daughter. The second time I never even acknowledged, Hanelore, the child within me. There are even more "blank spots" in this abortion.
Perhaps you may want to start and the beginning and read about the first abortions to know where my story starts and come back when you are finished; My first abortion story.
The following memories are quite fuzzy, possibly more so than those of the first abortion. So, since having the second abortion I moved away from (my hometown) and to (town my mom lived in). I was still seeing "Matt" after the move. I would drive to (his town) see him, or occasionally he would drive to (town) to see me. Of course we were having sexual relations. During one of the visits he saw my belly, it was getting bigger. In fact, I never really even noticed. He asked me if I were pregnant. I denied it, not just to him, but to myself also.
Even if after he pointed it out, I still ignored any thoughts of being pregnant. Then one day while I was at work I went to use the rest room. For some reason when I looked down at my belly I noticed that my tummy was bigger. Then that's when the reality hit that I could be pregnant. So many thoughts came running through all flashing at the speed of light.
I was scared, I recalled everything that went on during the first pregnancy and abortion. "Matt's" reaction and attitude. My mother's attitude and coercion. I really didn't know what to do. I hate to admit it, but I could not envision carrying the pregnancy to term. But I did not like the idea of going through another abortion.
I guess I picked up an at home pregnancy test after work. I don't know. I know sometime soon after I did purchase said test. Maybe it was the next day or during one of my first day off after seeing my large belly. I do remember when seeing the positive results. I know it was quite early in the morning. I was hopelessly frantic. The first thought was abortion, totally unlike the reaction to the first pregnancy.
Very odd, but the first person I called was a professor from college. I should probably back track there. See, even though I was in a relationship with "Matt" I was seeing a professor from the college I was attending. Seeing as in having a bit of a fling. The class I met him in had already finished before anything happened between us. Not that I am excusing anything, just adding the back story.
Gosh, I have no idea how early in the day it was. Just I know it was quite early. I think I woke him up when I called. No "hey, how you doing" I just simply blurted out "I have to have an abortion!". He just said "I can't talk right now." My heart just sank. I felt even more alone than I did before. I didn't even think he could be the father. He had been using condoms during our "trysts." I suppose there could have been a minuscule chance, but I was thinking of Mike being the father. I guess the reason for calling him may have been deep down I wanted him to convince me not to.
Feeling scared, confused and trapped; I looked in the phone book looking under "abortions." I found one ad that said something to the effect of "Pregnant? Feeling scared? Wanting an abortion? Call us." So that's what I did. I called. Some lady answered. I blurted out that I was looking to have an abortion. The lady was really snotty. She said "We don't do abortions!" In a very judgmental tone, and hung up. Not sure which of us hung up first.
I felt even more bad. I thought I could do this on my own without anyone knowing. Now what was I going to do? I was too scared to call anyone after that. I guessed I was going to have to tell my mother.
Looking back, the place I called with the snotty lady was most likely a pregnancy crisis center. Fine, they didn't do abortions. But why couldn't she have tried to talk to me? Ask me questions? Ask why I wanted an abortion? Tried to talk me out of it?
Later in the day Mr. Professor called me. Said he was sorry he wasn't able to talk to me when I called. He was telling me I should have the abortion and that it would probably be best. He told me that he knew others who had abortions. I still wasn't even thinking about the first abortion. It's like I remembered it, but didn't. Looking back, I wonder if he ever wondered if there was a possibility it was his child.
Fast forward to Fourth of July 1996. My family was planning on having a picnic at my grandmother's. My mother and I drove in separate cars. The plan was to meet "Matt" after both of our families had their picnics. I just couldn't face him. I didn't want to. I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to be able to see him. I broke up with him over the phone. He accused me of cheating. I denied it. Yes, I know, Mr. Professor, and all. But he didn't know. There's no way he could know. OK, so there's no excuse.
I just wanted to be alone, away from people. I left my grandmother's. Told my mom I wasn't feeling well. Drove home.
When my mother got home I broke down and told her. I told her I wanted an abortion. She never questioned me or asked if maybe I would want to carry the baby to terms. She asked if I was certain I was pregnant. I told her I was sure and that the pregnancy test had two tests in the kit. Didn't even have to wait the 5 or 10 minutes or however long the instructions said. I could practically see the results show up as I was peeing on the stick.
At some point a doctor's appointment was made. It was confirmed I was pregnant. My mother told the doctor I was for certain going to have an abortion. The insurance and the doctor was connected the Catholic hospital in town. He said because of that he couldn't refer me to an abortionist. Yet, he didn't try to convince me not to have the abortion.
Eventually I was given a vaginal exam at another doctor's office. Oddly, while I don't remember the abortionist from the first abortion, I do remember this guy. He was a short and somewhat chubby. I don't remember his name. He was either Mexican, Mid Eastern or India Indian. Had somewhat of an accent. Doing some internet searching I think, but not sure, he is someone who has gotten in trouble with the state and a few women have died under his "care." But again, I can't say for certain That it is him. I have no idea how far along I was. Not one stinking clue. I was never even told.
Then the time for the abortion came. It was done at one of the hospitals. Obviously not the above mentioned Catholic hospital. The only thing I really recall is an older lady in the waiting room. She asked what we were there for. I didn't know what to say. My mother "chimed in" and said I was having a D & C. The lady responded that she had that done after having a miscarriage. And that was it.
I don't remember anything after that. I was put on full anesthesia. Out cold. Don't even know if the doctor from the exam was the one who did the procedure or if it was someone else. I do not recall waking up from the procedure. I do not know if they had me rest afterward or for how long. I really don't remember leaving or the car ride back home with my mom. The one and only thing I remember is my mom commenting about the lady in the waiting office; saying that she was being nosy or something like that.
I think I had a day or two of recovery. Maybe more. I don't know. I think my mom went back to work after I got home. I do know that when I went back to work there was some reason I had to grab something from storage. In part of the post abortion instructions I was told I was not to lift heavy objects. Considering that no one knew about the abortion I could not just tell the manager that I wasn't going to grab the item for no reason.
The end, but not really...
Abortion and Hoarding? A Connection?
Still working on things to talk about in regards to the Rachel's
Vineyard Retreat. In the meantime; I had planned on doing spring
cleaning early. I started, really I did. Look, it's May already and
not even close to finished! Well, I did try. Still planning on working
on that. Got a good portion done in the kitchen.
Went through a lot of my, let's call it what it is, crap! That's what it is. So many things found in my cupboards just sitting there taking up space for absolutely no reason. I have no clue whatsoever how it ended up in my house or what even possessed me to purchase it. Granted, some of it was given to me by friends and family. And for whatever reason I just could not tell them "thanks but no thanks."
Oh, it's not just kitchen items that I "collect." It's anything and everything. I really don't collect anything specific; I likes, I buys. I mean I do have some collections that fit in a certain category. And that's what I am trying to do in my sorting and separating. If the item is not part of a collection and really truly isn't very useful for any purpose then out it goes. By which I mean not throwing anything away, I plan on having a garage sale. Anything I don't sell will be donated to the thrift store. Yay, you can have my junk! Lucky you!
So here is where the deep thoughts come in. So here I am, looking at the said "crap." Wondering why I even bought it. Then I wondered, is this one of the residual effects of my abortion? When I go to a store, thrift shop or garage sale I have this overwhelming sense to buy something, anything, doesn't matter what. I can search through the store and not find one stinking thing. So I find some cheap little trinket. Possibly a 10c. Mason jar. I really don't need that 10c. Mason jar, and I know at the time I don't need it, yet I buy it just so I can leave with something in my hands.
Here is where the possible connection to the abortion comes in. I left the abortion clinics empty handed. Looking back, I feel empty from the abortions. Like I left something behind. I don't want to feel empty. Yet, after the shopping high is over, I don't feel any better. Especially if money is getting tight afterwards. I regret the purchase. Individual items may be cheap, but those little items can add up. Both financially and physically.
Again, as I have said a million times before, I am no expert. I have no idea if there really is an abortion and hoarding connection. Maybe I am the only one this happens to. And of course I do know not everyone who hoards has had an abortion and/or has been affected be abortion in one way or the other. I just know this is a reality for me. A reality I need to change.
Went through a lot of my, let's call it what it is, crap! That's what it is. So many things found in my cupboards just sitting there taking up space for absolutely no reason. I have no clue whatsoever how it ended up in my house or what even possessed me to purchase it. Granted, some of it was given to me by friends and family. And for whatever reason I just could not tell them "thanks but no thanks."
Oh, it's not just kitchen items that I "collect." It's anything and everything. I really don't collect anything specific; I likes, I buys. I mean I do have some collections that fit in a certain category. And that's what I am trying to do in my sorting and separating. If the item is not part of a collection and really truly isn't very useful for any purpose then out it goes. By which I mean not throwing anything away, I plan on having a garage sale. Anything I don't sell will be donated to the thrift store. Yay, you can have my junk! Lucky you!
So here is where the deep thoughts come in. So here I am, looking at the said "crap." Wondering why I even bought it. Then I wondered, is this one of the residual effects of my abortion? When I go to a store, thrift shop or garage sale I have this overwhelming sense to buy something, anything, doesn't matter what. I can search through the store and not find one stinking thing. So I find some cheap little trinket. Possibly a 10c. Mason jar. I really don't need that 10c. Mason jar, and I know at the time I don't need it, yet I buy it just so I can leave with something in my hands.
Here is where the possible connection to the abortion comes in. I left the abortion clinics empty handed. Looking back, I feel empty from the abortions. Like I left something behind. I don't want to feel empty. Yet, after the shopping high is over, I don't feel any better. Especially if money is getting tight afterwards. I regret the purchase. Individual items may be cheap, but those little items can add up. Both financially and physically.
Again, as I have said a million times before, I am no expert. I have no idea if there really is an abortion and hoarding connection. Maybe I am the only one this happens to. And of course I do know not everyone who hoards has had an abortion and/or has been affected be abortion in one way or the other. I just know this is a reality for me. A reality I need to change.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Thoughts on Rachel's Vineyard Retreat
Wow, February 13, 2015; last time I wrote a post? Has it been that long? I have had so many thoughts swirling around in that time. I have wrote out quick quips at the Anastasia and Hanelore Twitter account. I am feeling that now is the time to write a few new posts.
This past weekend I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat. While I am still processing everything that happened, I would like to express a few of my quick observations. Perhaps I will write more in detail, without being too personal, at a later time.
For post abortion healing this is a great retreat! I felt validated to connect with men and women who have been through what I have been going through for the past 20 years. While their experiences may not have been exactly as mine, I finally felt as though others understood my pain. There was much peace and healing. I was given many gifts from the retreat, leaders and most importantly a gift of peace from the Lord.
It may have been Catholic oriented, but all from all faiths are welcome. I was the only non-Catholic there. In fact, I am a Christian, a member of a local church, still no "actual" connection to an actual church. (That is a subject for another post) Yet, I felt very accepted by everyone. I even had my own Marian experience/image. Nothing like "an image of Mary on my toast" kind of thing, but through meditation.
Everyone was given a journal to write their thoughts and stories. I didn't write anything while there. I did stay at a nearby hotel after the retreat was over. There, I did start to write into the journal. I have more to write into it. I can pour out more personally into that. I wanted to make sure I wrote down who gave me what gifts, so as to remember and treasure them. As to treasure within my heart the persons who gave them to me.
Oh, there is so much I want to share, but again, I want to write out personally pouring out my heart. Then edit out that which would be too personal. There were so many meditation places within the center to reflect on Christ's Sacrifice and God's love for ALL us sinners. I will forever treasure everything within my heart.
During my stay at the hotel I created a "portable shrine" from many of the items received from the retreat. After coming home I set up the shrine at my kitchen table, along with personal family oriented items added. I prayed the rosary at this personal shrine, along with a quiet meditation. I truly felt at peace. A peace I have never experienced before.
Please join me in following reflections and growth to come...
This past weekend I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat. While I am still processing everything that happened, I would like to express a few of my quick observations. Perhaps I will write more in detail, without being too personal, at a later time.
For post abortion healing this is a great retreat! I felt validated to connect with men and women who have been through what I have been going through for the past 20 years. While their experiences may not have been exactly as mine, I finally felt as though others understood my pain. There was much peace and healing. I was given many gifts from the retreat, leaders and most importantly a gift of peace from the Lord.
It may have been Catholic oriented, but all from all faiths are welcome. I was the only non-Catholic there. In fact, I am a Christian, a member of a local church, still no "actual" connection to an actual church. (That is a subject for another post) Yet, I felt very accepted by everyone. I even had my own Marian experience/image. Nothing like "an image of Mary on my toast" kind of thing, but through meditation.
Everyone was given a journal to write their thoughts and stories. I didn't write anything while there. I did stay at a nearby hotel after the retreat was over. There, I did start to write into the journal. I have more to write into it. I can pour out more personally into that. I wanted to make sure I wrote down who gave me what gifts, so as to remember and treasure them. As to treasure within my heart the persons who gave them to me.
Oh, there is so much I want to share, but again, I want to write out personally pouring out my heart. Then edit out that which would be too personal. There were so many meditation places within the center to reflect on Christ's Sacrifice and God's love for ALL us sinners. I will forever treasure everything within my heart.
During my stay at the hotel I created a "portable shrine" from many of the items received from the retreat. After coming home I set up the shrine at my kitchen table, along with personal family oriented items added. I prayed the rosary at this personal shrine, along with a quiet meditation. I truly felt at peace. A peace I have never experienced before.
Please join me in following reflections and growth to come...
Friday, February 13, 2015
Additions to Previous Post
I reread the previous post Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) an added more that I originally wanted to say when first published. The following is what I added. If you have not read the full post already, please click the link in the title above.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) EDITED
Below is the edited add ons; with an * in front.
So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet. I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet. But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past. It will not bring my babies back. So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.
Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),
I don't know you. You don't know me. But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance. You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy. You are searching the internet looking for advice. You are unsure what to do. Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption. You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do. Some of them you know personally. Others are just noise in the media. You have no room in your mind to think. Girl, I know. I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella. Rings and wedding plans already made. Perhaps you are in a casual relationship. Maybe you are already married already with or without other children. Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared. Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception. My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion. Saying it is the only way or the best way. You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do. The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue. It's not a person. It is so small that it can't really be a person. Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body? Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now. Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows. They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby. Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him. Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption. Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family.
Maybe you are on the other spectrum. Maybe you do want an abortion. Maybe those around you do support your decision. Maybe they don't. Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization. I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life. So I can't give the best advice that others can give you. But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion. And I do know how the after effects will be. Once it is done there is no turning back. There is no bringing that baby back. Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion. Time does not heal. Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later. To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side. This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of raising the child or releasing to adoption. There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet. I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet. But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past. It will not bring my babies back. So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.
Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),
I don't know you. You don't know me. But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance. You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy. You are searching the internet looking for advice. You are unsure what to do. Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption. You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do. Some of them you know personally. Others are just noise in the media. You have no room in your mind to think. Girl, I know. I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella. Rings and wedding plans already made. Perhaps you are in a casual relationship. Maybe you are already married already with or without other children. Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared. Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception. My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion. Saying it is the only way or the best way. You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do. The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue. It's not a person. It is so small that it can't really be a person. Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body? Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now. Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows. They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby. Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him. Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption. Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family.
Maybe you are on the other spectrum. Maybe you do want an abortion. Maybe those around you do support your decision. Maybe they don't. Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization. I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life. So I can't give the best advice that others can give you. But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion. And I do know how the after effects will be. Once it is done there is no turning back. There is no bringing that baby back. Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion. Time does not heal. Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later. To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side. This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of raising the child or releasing to adoption. There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Don't Say That!
In trying to heal and talk through my feelings with my mother I have heard the same tired old trite "I know plenty of women who have had abortions and they are fine. They are married, happy and have children. Blah, blah, blah." This seems to be a tactic of the pro-abortion side. All it does is makes post abortion women who have anxiety issues feel bad about themselves. They end up feeling marginalized, useless, weird, wrong, crazy, add your own adjective.
In fact, every time I talk to my mother it seems I find a new relative who had an abortion. One of these is a cousin of her's. She claims that the cousin is happily married with children and grandchildren. Come to find out, she never heard it from the cousin. I don't know who the source is. But how the hell does she know if the cousin is happy or not, if she has not heard her views from the person directly? I wonder how many others of the "women she knows" are merely third hand?
I have Googled for advice as to what or what not to say to someone who has had an abortion(s). The following, from AfterAbortion.org is probably the best source I found with both don'ts with a corresponding do. I will list the don'ts and link to the full article.
DON'T SAY
DON’T shut them off by changing the subject.
DON’T presume to know their own unique situation or condemn them for making a bad or immoral choice.
DON’T deny that they lost a child.
DON’T encourage them to blame others for the abortion. But don’t push them to forgive others, especially when they are in the initial stages of venting their anger and rage.
DON’T dismiss their feeling or tell them “did what was best,” or to just “get over it.”
DON’T suggest that having another child “someday” can make up for the one that was lost. This can negate their pain, suffering and feelings of loss for that particular child. Future children are a blessing and comfort, but they can’t replace the child who was lost.
DON’T leave them without offering your support and, if needed, encouraging them to seek out the help of post-abortion counselors or peer support groups.
DON’T be afraid to ask them how they are doing with it in the future.
These are just the Don'ts. Please do go to the full link, http://afterabortion.org/1999/what-to-say-and-not-say-when-talking-to-someone-who-has-had-an-abortion/ to also read the dos.
In fact, every time I talk to my mother it seems I find a new relative who had an abortion. One of these is a cousin of her's. She claims that the cousin is happily married with children and grandchildren. Come to find out, she never heard it from the cousin. I don't know who the source is. But how the hell does she know if the cousin is happy or not, if she has not heard her views from the person directly? I wonder how many others of the "women she knows" are merely third hand?
I have Googled for advice as to what or what not to say to someone who has had an abortion(s). The following, from AfterAbortion.org is probably the best source I found with both don'ts with a corresponding do. I will list the don'ts and link to the full article.
DON'T SAY
DON’T shut them off by changing the subject.
DON’T presume to know their own unique situation or condemn them for making a bad or immoral choice.
DON’T deny that they lost a child.
DON’T encourage them to blame others for the abortion. But don’t push them to forgive others, especially when they are in the initial stages of venting their anger and rage.
DON’T dismiss their feeling or tell them “did what was best,” or to just “get over it.”
DON’T suggest that having another child “someday” can make up for the one that was lost. This can negate their pain, suffering and feelings of loss for that particular child. Future children are a blessing and comfort, but they can’t replace the child who was lost.
DON’T leave them without offering your support and, if needed, encouraging them to seek out the help of post-abortion counselors or peer support groups.
DON’T be afraid to ask them how they are doing with it in the future.
These are just the Don'ts. Please do go to the full link, http://afterabortion.org/1999/what-to-say-and-not-say-when-talking-to-someone-who-has-had-an-abortion/ to also read the dos.
A Letter to my Mother
I have been going through some issues lately. My anxiety seems to come and go. Some days I am totally fine. Others I am a total basket case. During the "basket days" I can go from lethargy to anger and back and forth. One thing going on is my relationship with my mother. We have never really been estranged, but more strained. I have tried to open up communications, at first I thought she was understanding, but I feel it is more she waits for me to show vulnerability to attack me while I am wounded. The following is the first letter/email of my "coming out" in regards to the anxiety about the abortions so many years ago. I did not mention my personal abortions, just alluding to them. The letter has been slightly edited to eliminate names and/or locations that would identify me.
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon. I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits. And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet. Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics. And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector. Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix. Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion. If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon. I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits. And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet. Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics. And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector. Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix. Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion. If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
Friday, December 19, 2014
The Yellow Onesie
To read previous posts leading up to this one click the links below.
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
"Matt" Didn't Care
Her Views Turned on a Dime
Damn! That Hurt!
After a few days I returned from my mother's either I called "Matt" or he called me. I did not tell him about the abortion. He came over to my apartment. We talked. He showed me a onesie he bought for our baby, the baby that no longer exists. It was a typical yellow non gender onesie. While much of my memory is fuzzy, this is one of the exact things I remember. I remember exactly the layout of my old apartment. I remember where in the apartment I was sitting. I was sitting on "Matt's" lap and told him I had a "miscarriage." He cried. Or so I thought. It could have been crocodile tears. I am not sure. I do know that I was unable to cry. I just put my head upon his shoulder.
He never asked about any of the details. Then I was glad, because I didn't want to make anything up nor was I ready to tell him the truth. But looking back, I wonder did he suspect? Did he even actually care?
I had a horrible sinking feeling inside. Hurt because of the abortion. Felt bad because of lying to him. Angry because of all that time I was pregnant he never acknowledged that I had a child inside me. And now that she was gone he acknowledges the situation?! Where was he when I was pregnant? Why wasn't he "fighting" for me and our child?
I did have sex with him that night. I have since found out that women are told not to have sex for at least 2 weeks after the abortion. I was never told that. I was given antibiotics and instructions, but not the no having sex part. But unless it wasn't written down for me, if I was only told verbally I probably wasn't paying attention in the state of mind I was in.
"Matt" did find the antibiotics. I told him I had to take those because of the miscarriage. Next day or two he told me his sister told him that the antibiotics are only for abortions. Yeah, after the baby's gone is when he tells any of his family members. I insisted that it was a miscarriage I had. After all, my own mother convinced my that abortion and miscarriage are basically the same thing. Right? We didn't fight or anything. He just dropped the subject.
Then came having to tell my best friend. This is the friend from the Christian school who did the book report about abortion. I called and told her that I was no longer going to get married. And that I had a miscarriage. She didn't press me on details. Just gave me sympathy. I felt worse lying to her than I did to "Matt." Why didn't I say something to her, before the abortion? Maybe she would have been able to help me or find someone who could?
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