Oh no, liberals and feminists wouldn't like those names! That's not very empowering, nor conforming to the "my body, my choice" false narrative.
Now what am I yammering about?
Yesterday across the internet was talk about a Twitter tweet that stated "We need a disney (sic) princess who's had an abortion, We need a disney (sic) princess who's pro-choice." Originating from Planned Parenthood Keystone of Trexlertown, Pennsylvania. The tweet had been deleted an hour or so after posting.
I had first read of the tweet from an LCMS Life Ministry post on Facebook. The news was rather new at the time. With a few of the comments being "this is fake news," mostly from pro-choicers. One comment gold was "it was deleted because it's fake news" or something to that effect. Yeah, that really makes no sense. The person who was saying this is essentially admitting that the tweet existed. So how is it fake news, if the tweet existed? My head hurts.
So I went on about my day. Then I read an article from The Dailywire, about the deleted tweet. "Oh no, The Dailywire has a conservative bent!" Yes, The Dailywire does lean conservative, but they are probably the most reliable news/editorial site out there. Be it conservative or liberal.
Then as the evening went on the subject became a trending news item on Facebook. Many well known news sites were writing about it. Those having mostly a liberal bent. Instead of linking to a few, I shall link to search results; https://www.bing.com/search?q=disney+princess+planned+parenthood+tweet+&qs=n&form=QBRE&sp=-1&pq=disney+princess+planned+parenthood+tweet+&sc=0-41&sk=&cvid=10B0F9F7F25E408B93AFE217BCFF9643
OK, so I don't have any small children. So why do I even care? Eh, I'm not completely sure.
Perhaps it could be the whole screeching of "Fake news!" from those who don't like being confronted with the truth of what their "side" is doing. Actually, I have a future post on that running through my puny little head. Be warned ain't nobody gonna be safe!
Perhaps there could be the aspect of being sad that there are people out there wanting to impress their agendas upon children, the future of our country and world. If there is any time in history where children should have their innocence preserved, it is now.
When I was young enough to be interested in Disney cartoons most of them were replays from my mother's childhood, being shown at movie theaters. I never took them serious. It was just fantasy. I liked the pretty dresses. I did question "how did they 'live happily ever after'?"
Personally, I preferred the original Grimm's Fairytales, that Disney took and sugar coated. Tragic endings, sometimes. But there were moral tales, without it being filled with agendas.
Showing posts with label Pro-Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pro-Life. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
First of the Year Quarterly Update
Looks like it's been about six months since my last posting. Oh my, where has the time gone? Where do I even start?
Perhaps I should get back to where I left off and "move forward" (that's kind of my catch phrase from now on) from there.
So the last post was about the Her Choice to Heal book by Sydna Masse. I stated that I would like to start a weekly book report about different post abortive books on healing. I still plan on doing that. Currently I am participating in an online book group for Lent. So, I will get back to sharing info on the books soon after Easter.
Part of what distracted me from writing was my mother came to visit, from the current state in which she lives. Actually, things went pretty well. We may have had a small tiff here or there. But generally we got along. And I would like to share that specific aspect of the healing journey in upcoming posts.
Been reading past posts, wow somebody needs a proof reader! But I digress. Seems since the breakdown I always seem to become physically ill in one form or another off and on from January to March. Yep. Been like that this year, of 2018. It will probably be like that, if not forever, for the next few years. And you know what? That's OK.
At the beginning of this year I decided to make an "anti-resolution." Let me explain. At the start of every calendar year so many of us make resolutions for this thing or the other. Usually it's weight loss, being more healthy, being a better spouse, employee, student, giving up one habit of another, giving more to charity, volunteering, or just a better person in general.
Every year at the start of January, since the memories surfaced, I would always make my little vows that "this year will be better." I would proclaim that I would not let the anxiety bother me. I would proclaim to not let the memories get to to me. How that would happen I don't know.
This year I decided not to even try. Despite being sick off and on, this has probably been my best first quarter of the year since the breakdowns. Perhaps even since the abortions.
Do I still fall? Yes. Do I get back up? Yes. A while back I chose to get up and dust off, over forget and move on. By the way, I hate that phrase about forgetting and moving on with every passion in my being. My falling seems to be less extreme and injurious, the bumps and bruises are less painful. This of course from an emotional standpoint. When I get up from the falls I stand taller. I stand prouder. The dust that needs to be shaken off is less thick.
Why is this? It could be just the old standby of "time heals old wounds." Which I will give credence to that. But I think there is an aspect of when the memories do surface I just let it ride. I don't attempt to will them away. The memories do seem less frequent. Frankly, there really is not many new memories to come to the surface. Though there are still some blank spots, I think I have remembered all that I can.
Perhaps I am remembering all that God will allow. Perhaps He will give me more memories as He sees fit that I can handle. Perhaps not. Truly I could not do this without my faith in Him. My morning prayers don't include specifities about the memories, unless I may have had a rather jarring dream that recalled back to the memories. But I do pray that He will watch over, guide me, and keep the anxiety at bay. Should I have anxiety in the day, I will stop what I am doing and get on my knees to pray.
One area in which I will be making a conscious effort is ideas for future posts, besides those mentioned above. I will be writing thoughts that have been stuck in my head since last year, but still relevant to share. I want to keep up the Random Thoughts page, when quick quips pop in my head. I also want to fill in the gaps about the first ten or so years following the abortions. I will be adding current pro-life articles that are in the news. Perhaps just sharing, maybe adding my own thoughts. I will be adding a few Christian posts, that focus on grief and abortion.
Perhaps I should get back to where I left off and "move forward" (that's kind of my catch phrase from now on) from there.
So the last post was about the Her Choice to Heal book by Sydna Masse. I stated that I would like to start a weekly book report about different post abortive books on healing. I still plan on doing that. Currently I am participating in an online book group for Lent. So, I will get back to sharing info on the books soon after Easter.
Part of what distracted me from writing was my mother came to visit, from the current state in which she lives. Actually, things went pretty well. We may have had a small tiff here or there. But generally we got along. And I would like to share that specific aspect of the healing journey in upcoming posts.
Been reading past posts, wow somebody needs a proof reader! But I digress. Seems since the breakdown I always seem to become physically ill in one form or another off and on from January to March. Yep. Been like that this year, of 2018. It will probably be like that, if not forever, for the next few years. And you know what? That's OK.
At the beginning of this year I decided to make an "anti-resolution." Let me explain. At the start of every calendar year so many of us make resolutions for this thing or the other. Usually it's weight loss, being more healthy, being a better spouse, employee, student, giving up one habit of another, giving more to charity, volunteering, or just a better person in general.
Every year at the start of January, since the memories surfaced, I would always make my little vows that "this year will be better." I would proclaim that I would not let the anxiety bother me. I would proclaim to not let the memories get to to me. How that would happen I don't know.
This year I decided not to even try. Despite being sick off and on, this has probably been my best first quarter of the year since the breakdowns. Perhaps even since the abortions.
Do I still fall? Yes. Do I get back up? Yes. A while back I chose to get up and dust off, over forget and move on. By the way, I hate that phrase about forgetting and moving on with every passion in my being. My falling seems to be less extreme and injurious, the bumps and bruises are less painful. This of course from an emotional standpoint. When I get up from the falls I stand taller. I stand prouder. The dust that needs to be shaken off is less thick.
Why is this? It could be just the old standby of "time heals old wounds." Which I will give credence to that. But I think there is an aspect of when the memories do surface I just let it ride. I don't attempt to will them away. The memories do seem less frequent. Frankly, there really is not many new memories to come to the surface. Though there are still some blank spots, I think I have remembered all that I can.
Perhaps I am remembering all that God will allow. Perhaps He will give me more memories as He sees fit that I can handle. Perhaps not. Truly I could not do this without my faith in Him. My morning prayers don't include specifities about the memories, unless I may have had a rather jarring dream that recalled back to the memories. But I do pray that He will watch over, guide me, and keep the anxiety at bay. Should I have anxiety in the day, I will stop what I am doing and get on my knees to pray.
One area in which I will be making a conscious effort is ideas for future posts, besides those mentioned above. I will be writing thoughts that have been stuck in my head since last year, but still relevant to share. I want to keep up the Random Thoughts page, when quick quips pop in my head. I also want to fill in the gaps about the first ten or so years following the abortions. I will be adding current pro-life articles that are in the news. Perhaps just sharing, maybe adding my own thoughts. I will be adding a few Christian posts, that focus on grief and abortion.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Multi-Gemstone Pro-Life Rosary Bracelet
At the retreat I was given a few gifts from some of the retreat leaders. Some of them were gifts of the same thing that were given to each attendee. Some were individual gifts given to me. Most of them were saint medals and charms for jewelry. I am sure others were given "personalized" gifts.
I am not sure, but I think the reason I was given so many medals is because I told someone at the retreat that I had wanted to bring my full Rosary that also had an Untier of Knots center, but left it at home. And I also told them about the bracelet. Since the place of the retreat was held at a Catholic retreat center there were many Christian images, such as Jesus (of course), Mary (of course), Joseph, well known saints, popes and such. I had asked them if they knew if one of the images was the Undoer of Knots, somewhere. Just to look at and bring some comfort. Wouldn't you know it?! That person also had a medal of the Untier of Knots! They give it to me. And said I could keep it. Which was very nice. I thought I would add it to my bracelet when I came home.
Others at the retreat had heard about this. Then they gave me some charms, at different breaks/after sessions during the retreat. They had said that the priest who was there as the spiritual leader had blessed them. So I am not sure if they asked him to bless them with me in mind or not. So I decided I would add those to my bracelet also.
During my stay at the local hotel in the town of the retreat, not having anything to do with the retreat, I felt lead to make a completely new bracelet inspired by the retreat. The bracelet would be inspired by the wonderful persons I met. Since there was ten of us, myself included, it was the perfect number for a full decade! Of course I won't tell how each person inspired me, but I will say that each different and individual bead was chosen by all the wonderful qualities of each attendee. Please read below about the charms and choosing of the Crucifix, Our Father Bead, and main medal.
Each bead is a genuine gemstone. Medals and charms given to me are Mary Untier of Knots, Our Lady of Fatima, tag that says "blessed," and St. Therese of the Little Flower. The charms are foot prints, baby carriage, and a teddy bear holding a bouquet of flowers; that I already had.
I had chosen the Pope Francis cross for the Crucifix, for the simple of humbleness of it. As a reminder of Jesus being The Shepherd leading his flock who doesn't forget a one of us who stumbles and becomes lost. I choose a large crimson colored bead as the Our Father bead, as a symbol of Jesus' blood shed on the cross; for all us sinners. The main medal is Mary of the Streets. Chosen for the humility and unpretentiousness. According to this Wikipedia link the image was not originally intended as religious. But so evoked the thought of Mary holding baby Jesus.
I only wear this bracelet at home. I want to avoid anyone asking me about it. I have no problem with anyone noticing the other one. If someone were to ask about it, I could just say I made it because of my pro-life views, without mentioning my having had the abortions. This one it might would be more difficult to avoid that in the explanation.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Choosing Abortion or Adoption?
Came across this article from LifeNews.com in my Twitter feed. As someone who wanted to choose adoption over abortion in the first pregnancy but didn't fight hard enough for that "choice" I still support adoption choices, yet will always have a pang of guilt that it was "my body, THEIR choice."
Why Do More People Choose Abortion Over Adoption?
[...]
Adoption is the kind, loving choice for everyone involved.
Countless women in the U.S. choose abortion over adoption for their unborn babies every year. When I sat in on counseling sessions at a pregnancy center, I learned that women are often very closed to the idea of adoption. They either want to keep their baby themselves or get rid of the baby now. Adoption statistics are hard to track, since states are not necessarily required to report domestic adoptions. However, the numbers are grim, and much of it is owing to abortion:
[...]
Full article link here
Friday, May 8, 2015
Why do I write?
That, that I am not sure. Well, maybe I am. I don't know. Yesterday I finished up with the story of My Second Abortion. It was the hardest thing ever for me to write. Had it not been for the experience at the Rachel's Vineyard Retreat; I do not think I would have had the courage to write it.
Whenever I write out a post I share to my Twitter feed. Now why do I do that? Am I doing this because I want to be some "internet star"? Ah, not really. Of course I must admit that anyone online with their own websites and/or blogs want a readership following. But I am not doing this for my own adulation. I want for a conversation. I want to bring to light what life is like for those after abortion. I hope and pray for my expressions to help hurting souls who may have had an involvement in abortion some way; or maybe those who are contemplating abortion. I pray for my writings to change the hearts and souls of those who are so called pro-choice.
There are multiple pro-life websites and blogs out there. All with differing styles and purposes. Some goals are to bring to light the atrocities of the actual abortion process, expose those in the abortion industry, places to let post abortive persons tell their stories, places to encourage pregnant women and give them all the resource information, being cheerleaders to those within the pro-life movement, and like with me a place to express their own thoughts, views and expressions. And of course I would be remissed if I did not include that there are also websites that talk of other aspects of quality of life. But as for me, I am focusing mainly on the anti-abortion side of pro-life.
Along with that, I want to be able to do more than just "preach to the choir." I have never been one to shirk away from controversy. I welcome all readers. I have no problem discussing anything in my posts with pro-choice persons. If you are pro-choice/pro-abortion I ask that you remain within topic, be respectful of my views (along with other readers) and any other comments, no mocking. The same goes for the pro-life readers when in a comment discussion of a post.
Back to the writing of the second abortion. I did not write about it because I was proud and all "look at me! I had an abortion!". No, I wrote of it because it needed to be said. I had been debating writing that experience for a long time. It was a stop gap for me. Without such a writing, I was unable to go forward with anything else. Things that need to be said. Things that need to be shown to the light of day. Things that will tell of how my abortions affected many aspects of my post abortive life. Things that will help other women, and men too, realize that they are not abnormal and others or at least another person has had the same things going on.
Whenever I write out a post I share to my Twitter feed. Now why do I do that? Am I doing this because I want to be some "internet star"? Ah, not really. Of course I must admit that anyone online with their own websites and/or blogs want a readership following. But I am not doing this for my own adulation. I want for a conversation. I want to bring to light what life is like for those after abortion. I hope and pray for my expressions to help hurting souls who may have had an involvement in abortion some way; or maybe those who are contemplating abortion. I pray for my writings to change the hearts and souls of those who are so called pro-choice.
There are multiple pro-life websites and blogs out there. All with differing styles and purposes. Some goals are to bring to light the atrocities of the actual abortion process, expose those in the abortion industry, places to let post abortive persons tell their stories, places to encourage pregnant women and give them all the resource information, being cheerleaders to those within the pro-life movement, and like with me a place to express their own thoughts, views and expressions. And of course I would be remissed if I did not include that there are also websites that talk of other aspects of quality of life. But as for me, I am focusing mainly on the anti-abortion side of pro-life.
Along with that, I want to be able to do more than just "preach to the choir." I have never been one to shirk away from controversy. I welcome all readers. I have no problem discussing anything in my posts with pro-choice persons. If you are pro-choice/pro-abortion I ask that you remain within topic, be respectful of my views (along with other readers) and any other comments, no mocking. The same goes for the pro-life readers when in a comment discussion of a post.
Back to the writing of the second abortion. I did not write about it because I was proud and all "look at me! I had an abortion!". No, I wrote of it because it needed to be said. I had been debating writing that experience for a long time. It was a stop gap for me. Without such a writing, I was unable to go forward with anything else. Things that need to be said. Things that need to be shown to the light of day. Things that will tell of how my abortions affected many aspects of my post abortive life. Things that will help other women, and men too, realize that they are not abnormal and others or at least another person has had the same things going on.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Thoughts on Rachel's Vineyard Retreat
Wow, February 13, 2015; last time I wrote a post? Has it been that long? I have had so many thoughts swirling around in that time. I have wrote out quick quips at the Anastasia and Hanelore Twitter account. I am feeling that now is the time to write a few new posts.
This past weekend I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat. While I am still processing everything that happened, I would like to express a few of my quick observations. Perhaps I will write more in detail, without being too personal, at a later time.
For post abortion healing this is a great retreat! I felt validated to connect with men and women who have been through what I have been going through for the past 20 years. While their experiences may not have been exactly as mine, I finally felt as though others understood my pain. There was much peace and healing. I was given many gifts from the retreat, leaders and most importantly a gift of peace from the Lord.
It may have been Catholic oriented, but all from all faiths are welcome. I was the only non-Catholic there. In fact, I am a Christian, a member of a local church, still no "actual" connection to an actual church. (That is a subject for another post) Yet, I felt very accepted by everyone. I even had my own Marian experience/image. Nothing like "an image of Mary on my toast" kind of thing, but through meditation.
Everyone was given a journal to write their thoughts and stories. I didn't write anything while there. I did stay at a nearby hotel after the retreat was over. There, I did start to write into the journal. I have more to write into it. I can pour out more personally into that. I wanted to make sure I wrote down who gave me what gifts, so as to remember and treasure them. As to treasure within my heart the persons who gave them to me.
Oh, there is so much I want to share, but again, I want to write out personally pouring out my heart. Then edit out that which would be too personal. There were so many meditation places within the center to reflect on Christ's Sacrifice and God's love for ALL us sinners. I will forever treasure everything within my heart.
During my stay at the hotel I created a "portable shrine" from many of the items received from the retreat. After coming home I set up the shrine at my kitchen table, along with personal family oriented items added. I prayed the rosary at this personal shrine, along with a quiet meditation. I truly felt at peace. A peace I have never experienced before.
Please join me in following reflections and growth to come...
This past weekend I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat. While I am still processing everything that happened, I would like to express a few of my quick observations. Perhaps I will write more in detail, without being too personal, at a later time.
For post abortion healing this is a great retreat! I felt validated to connect with men and women who have been through what I have been going through for the past 20 years. While their experiences may not have been exactly as mine, I finally felt as though others understood my pain. There was much peace and healing. I was given many gifts from the retreat, leaders and most importantly a gift of peace from the Lord.
It may have been Catholic oriented, but all from all faiths are welcome. I was the only non-Catholic there. In fact, I am a Christian, a member of a local church, still no "actual" connection to an actual church. (That is a subject for another post) Yet, I felt very accepted by everyone. I even had my own Marian experience/image. Nothing like "an image of Mary on my toast" kind of thing, but through meditation.
Everyone was given a journal to write their thoughts and stories. I didn't write anything while there. I did stay at a nearby hotel after the retreat was over. There, I did start to write into the journal. I have more to write into it. I can pour out more personally into that. I wanted to make sure I wrote down who gave me what gifts, so as to remember and treasure them. As to treasure within my heart the persons who gave them to me.
Oh, there is so much I want to share, but again, I want to write out personally pouring out my heart. Then edit out that which would be too personal. There were so many meditation places within the center to reflect on Christ's Sacrifice and God's love for ALL us sinners. I will forever treasure everything within my heart.
During my stay at the hotel I created a "portable shrine" from many of the items received from the retreat. After coming home I set up the shrine at my kitchen table, along with personal family oriented items added. I prayed the rosary at this personal shrine, along with a quiet meditation. I truly felt at peace. A peace I have never experienced before.
Please join me in following reflections and growth to come...
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) EDITED
Below is the edited add ons; with an * in front.
So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet. I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet. But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past. It will not bring my babies back. So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.
Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),
I don't know you. You don't know me. But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance. You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy. You are searching the internet looking for advice. You are unsure what to do. Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption. You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do. Some of them you know personally. Others are just noise in the media. You have no room in your mind to think. Girl, I know. I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella. Rings and wedding plans already made. Perhaps you are in a casual relationship. Maybe you are already married already with or without other children. Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared. Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception. My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion. Saying it is the only way or the best way. You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do. The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue. It's not a person. It is so small that it can't really be a person. Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body? Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now. Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows. They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby. Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him. Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption. Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family.
Maybe you are on the other spectrum. Maybe you do want an abortion. Maybe those around you do support your decision. Maybe they don't. Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization. I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life. So I can't give the best advice that others can give you. But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion. And I do know how the after effects will be. Once it is done there is no turning back. There is no bringing that baby back. Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion. Time does not heal. Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later. To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side. This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of raising the child or releasing to adoption. There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet. I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet. But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past. It will not bring my babies back. So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.
Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),
I don't know you. You don't know me. But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance. You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy. You are searching the internet looking for advice. You are unsure what to do. Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption. You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do. Some of them you know personally. Others are just noise in the media. You have no room in your mind to think. Girl, I know. I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella. Rings and wedding plans already made. Perhaps you are in a casual relationship. Maybe you are already married already with or without other children. Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared. Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception. My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion. Saying it is the only way or the best way. You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do. The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue. It's not a person. It is so small that it can't really be a person. Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body? Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now. Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows. They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby. Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him. Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption. Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family.
Maybe you are on the other spectrum. Maybe you do want an abortion. Maybe those around you do support your decision. Maybe they don't. Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization. I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life. So I can't give the best advice that others can give you. But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion. And I do know how the after effects will be. Once it is done there is no turning back. There is no bringing that baby back. Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion. Time does not heal. Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later. To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side. This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of raising the child or releasing to adoption. There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
A Letter to my Mother
I have been going through some issues lately. My anxiety seems to come and go. Some days I am totally fine. Others I am a total basket case. During the "basket days" I can go from lethargy to anger and back and forth. One thing going on is my relationship with my mother. We have never really been estranged, but more strained. I have tried to open up communications, at first I thought she was understanding, but I feel it is more she waits for me to show vulnerability to attack me while I am wounded. The following is the first letter/email of my "coming out" in regards to the anxiety about the abortions so many years ago. I did not mention my personal abortions, just alluding to them. The letter has been slightly edited to eliminate names and/or locations that would identify me.
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon. I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits. And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet. Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics. And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector. Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix. Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion. If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon. I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits. And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet. Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics. And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector. Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix. Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion. If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
Saturday, December 20, 2014
From Suicide to Conversion: Recovering From an Abortion
A positive change of heart story taken from LifeNews.com;
After trying to kill myself to escape the overwhelming guilt after my abortion, I emerged from my month spent in an adolescent psychiatric unit with an incongruous newly-found zeal for abortion rights.
Within weeks of my discharge from the psych unit, I found myself on a bus to Washington, D.C. to march for abortion rights and soon after I began volunteering as an escort for a first-trimester abortion clinic. An advanced degree in psychology isn’t necessary to see that I was plainly trying to assuage my guilt (and protect my delicate and damaged psyche) by assuming the precise opposite of what I truly believed. Freud called this reaction formation, one of many coping strategies he dubbed defense mechanisms. I certainly took reaction formation to the extreme by espousing the most diametrically opposed position of my innermost heart when I accepted the offer of a job at an abortion clinic.
Read More Here
After trying to kill myself to escape the overwhelming guilt after my abortion, I emerged from my month spent in an adolescent psychiatric unit with an incongruous newly-found zeal for abortion rights.
Within weeks of my discharge from the psych unit, I found myself on a bus to Washington, D.C. to march for abortion rights and soon after I began volunteering as an escort for a first-trimester abortion clinic. An advanced degree in psychology isn’t necessary to see that I was plainly trying to assuage my guilt (and protect my delicate and damaged psyche) by assuming the precise opposite of what I truly believed. Freud called this reaction formation, one of many coping strategies he dubbed defense mechanisms. I certainly took reaction formation to the extreme by espousing the most diametrically opposed position of my innermost heart when I accepted the offer of a job at an abortion clinic.
Read More Here
Friday, December 19, 2014
Should Men Have a Say?
H/T LifeNews.com
Abortion Is A Mens’ Issue Too, One’s Sex Is Irrelevant
...
Abortion is absolutely not a woman-only issue. It affects men because every child has a father, it affects men because half of children are male, and it affects men because many of the people involved in abortions, such as doctors are men. There has been a scandal recently about sex-selective abortions, terminations carried out because the parents would rather not have a child of that sex. Some left wing publications (that would normally only have positive things to say about so-called reproductive rights) have come out to condemn it...
Read More Here
Abortion Is A Mens’ Issue Too, One’s Sex Is Irrelevant
...
Abortion is absolutely not a woman-only issue. It affects men because every child has a father, it affects men because half of children are male, and it affects men because many of the people involved in abortions, such as doctors are men. There has been a scandal recently about sex-selective abortions, terminations carried out because the parents would rather not have a child of that sex. Some left wing publications (that would normally only have positive things to say about so-called reproductive rights) have come out to condemn it...
Read More Here
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
What Were Her True Thoughts?
After finishing writing the Her Views Turned on a Dime, in regards to my mother's coercing of the abortion, I figured I needed to write the following before I continue any further. I have a few questions running through my mind.
I am wondering what my mother's true feelings were when she found out I was pregnant. Was she truly supportive of the pregnancy and my choice to keep the baby, at first? Did she want me to have an abortion from the start? Was her "support" a rouse to relax me and gain my trust? Was she talking to "pro-choice" persons as soon as she found out I was pregnant? Was she waiting for the "right timing" to spring forth coercing me into the abortion? Had she been given talking points from Planned Parenthood or another abortion center about how to coerce me? What did they tell her, if so? Did they tell her I may object? And how to counter my objections? If there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time did they tell her? If so, did they tell her how to avoid having me considering contacting them? Did they tell her that I may bring up the suggestion of adoption?
Did they give her all the information in regards to abortion? Yet, tell her to avoid any of the "grisly" details? Or did they give her the "cute little phrases" and tired old tripe talking points? My mother should have known the details. As she had been a hospital nurse before I was born, along with working in a doctor's office after my parents' divorce. My mother wasn't clueless about all the details involved in pregnancy.
Of course women who have been pregnant know the basic details about babies, pregnancy and birth. But she knew the ins and outs details of the biology and terminology from conception to birth. She still had her biology books from nursing school in the early 70's on her book shelf. Along with books with updated info, from the early to mid 80's.
Did she know that complications, needless complications, can result from abortion? Did she know that women still die from "legal" abortions? Did she know that babies get torn to bits while being sucked through the vacuum? Did she know that the abortion vacuum is 29 times more powerful than a household vacuum? Did she know that damage can be done to the body; i.e. cervix, uterus? Did she know that such damage can cause miscarriages in future pregnancies due to weak cervix muscles? Did she know that overall infertility can be caused due to the damage? Did she know that women who have had abortion can have a higher risk of breast cancer? Did she know that women who have had abortions have a higher risk of suicide than any other groups of women? Did she know that many, if not most, women who have aborted babies have regrets, whether soon after or many years down the road? Despite what she told me during the coercion? Did she not know that messing with a pregnant woman's body is damaging and not right, along with being very invasive?
I really would truly like to believe that she really was supportive of me and my child, her grandchild, at the beginning. But it does make one wonder how she could switch views over something as trite as a dumb old unpaid speeding ticket!
I am wondering what my mother's true feelings were when she found out I was pregnant. Was she truly supportive of the pregnancy and my choice to keep the baby, at first? Did she want me to have an abortion from the start? Was her "support" a rouse to relax me and gain my trust? Was she talking to "pro-choice" persons as soon as she found out I was pregnant? Was she waiting for the "right timing" to spring forth coercing me into the abortion? Had she been given talking points from Planned Parenthood or another abortion center about how to coerce me? What did they tell her, if so? Did they tell her I may object? And how to counter my objections? If there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time did they tell her? If so, did they tell her how to avoid having me considering contacting them? Did they tell her that I may bring up the suggestion of adoption?
Did they give her all the information in regards to abortion? Yet, tell her to avoid any of the "grisly" details? Or did they give her the "cute little phrases" and tired old tripe talking points? My mother should have known the details. As she had been a hospital nurse before I was born, along with working in a doctor's office after my parents' divorce. My mother wasn't clueless about all the details involved in pregnancy.
Of course women who have been pregnant know the basic details about babies, pregnancy and birth. But she knew the ins and outs details of the biology and terminology from conception to birth. She still had her biology books from nursing school in the early 70's on her book shelf. Along with books with updated info, from the early to mid 80's.
Did she know that complications, needless complications, can result from abortion? Did she know that women still die from "legal" abortions? Did she know that babies get torn to bits while being sucked through the vacuum? Did she know that the abortion vacuum is 29 times more powerful than a household vacuum? Did she know that damage can be done to the body; i.e. cervix, uterus? Did she know that such damage can cause miscarriages in future pregnancies due to weak cervix muscles? Did she know that overall infertility can be caused due to the damage? Did she know that women who have had abortion can have a higher risk of breast cancer? Did she know that women who have had abortions have a higher risk of suicide than any other groups of women? Did she know that many, if not most, women who have aborted babies have regrets, whether soon after or many years down the road? Despite what she told me during the coercion? Did she not know that messing with a pregnant woman's body is damaging and not right, along with being very invasive?
I really would truly like to believe that she really was supportive of me and my child, her grandchild, at the beginning. But it does make one wonder how she could switch views over something as trite as a dumb old unpaid speeding ticket!
Her Views Turned on a Dime
Continuation of my abortion story starting at I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception and "Matt" Didn't Care
I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion. No, she does not know about the blog. While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.
As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive. Or so I thought. As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound. I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center. I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia. That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl. Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl. To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time. I think we were both a little shell shocked. We had a conversation in the car. I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me. But there was no talk of abortion.
Here again is where my memories are fuzzy. During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town. Possibly twice. During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area. She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process. And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby. She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks." What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move. How my body would change during the preparations. Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.
Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time. One was in regards to him wanting oral sex. While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable. And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique. Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying. Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive. I don't know. She showed compassion. Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant. I don't know how true that is. Hey, Google it! Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby.
As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day. She decided to check my mail. I had received a letter from DMV. My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets. The revoction was for about 30 days. She blew up. Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby? How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me? She told me I was going to have to have an abortion. Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born. I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's. She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion. We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion. I was giving her reasons why not. She was giving reasons why. My grandma and aunt were parroting her. I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family. One was an aunt on her mother's side. The other was one of my aunts, father's sister. And of course how they are just fine now. She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages. How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly. And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly. Or some mumbo jumbo like that. I was in tears, feeling trapped. I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn. She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me. Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born. Really!? Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child? Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild!
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy. And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter. Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating. They were pro-life in their teaching. They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info. I had repeated some of what I had learned. Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there. And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school. I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place. She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective.
I was suggesting adoption. She didn't like that idea. She did not want my child to grow up with another family. Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family. Telling me she could be abused. I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life. She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up. She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born. That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry. Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side. Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script. It wouldn't hurt at all. They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out. It's only a clump of cells. It's only the size of a dime. She wouldn't feel a thing. She wouldn't be harmed. By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along. As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her. But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide." In that short time I was alone with my thoughts. Deep down, I didn't want to do it. But I didn't know what to do. I knew about adoption. I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services. Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic. I had no idea who to call. I didn't know who to turn to for help. Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had. She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes. I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center. Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet. It may be too late for me. But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help. Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time. So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing
In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father. Just a note, they were divorced. She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views. When actually it was the opposite. He was on his third marriage. They were living in another state, with many other states in between. Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships. I had a half brother from this union. Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born. My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born. Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either. Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt." And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption. My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up. True, he wasn't there much for me growing up. But everyone is allowed redemption. Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine! I will have the abortion to make you happy." Her response was "it's not for me. It's for you to decide." What!? If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work. That, that is true choice! But alas, it was never to be.
To be continued...
I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion. No, she does not know about the blog. While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.
As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive. Or so I thought. As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound. I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center. I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia. That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl. Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl. To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time. I think we were both a little shell shocked. We had a conversation in the car. I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me. But there was no talk of abortion.
Here again is where my memories are fuzzy. During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town. Possibly twice. During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area. She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process. And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby. She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks." What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move. How my body would change during the preparations. Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.
Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time. One was in regards to him wanting oral sex. While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable. And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique. Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying. Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive. I don't know. She showed compassion. Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant. I don't know how true that is. Hey, Google it! Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby.
As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day. She decided to check my mail. I had received a letter from DMV. My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets. The revoction was for about 30 days. She blew up. Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby? How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me? She told me I was going to have to have an abortion. Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born. I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's. She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion. We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion. I was giving her reasons why not. She was giving reasons why. My grandma and aunt were parroting her. I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family. One was an aunt on her mother's side. The other was one of my aunts, father's sister. And of course how they are just fine now. She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages. How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly. And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly. Or some mumbo jumbo like that. I was in tears, feeling trapped. I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn. She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me. Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born. Really!? Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child? Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild!
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy. And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter. Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating. They were pro-life in their teaching. They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info. I had repeated some of what I had learned. Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there. And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school. I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place. She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective.
I was suggesting adoption. She didn't like that idea. She did not want my child to grow up with another family. Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family. Telling me she could be abused. I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life. She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up. She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born. That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry. Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side. Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script. It wouldn't hurt at all. They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out. It's only a clump of cells. It's only the size of a dime. She wouldn't feel a thing. She wouldn't be harmed. By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along. As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her. But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide." In that short time I was alone with my thoughts. Deep down, I didn't want to do it. But I didn't know what to do. I knew about adoption. I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services. Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic. I had no idea who to call. I didn't know who to turn to for help. Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had. She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes. I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center. Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet. It may be too late for me. But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help. Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time. So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing
In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father. Just a note, they were divorced. She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views. When actually it was the opposite. He was on his third marriage. They were living in another state, with many other states in between. Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships. I had a half brother from this union. Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born. My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born. Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either. Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt." And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption. My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up. True, he wasn't there much for me growing up. But everyone is allowed redemption. Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine! I will have the abortion to make you happy." Her response was "it's not for me. It's for you to decide." What!? If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work. That, that is true choice! But alas, it was never to be.
To be continued...
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Check Out My Twitter!
Despite not having too many posts and only one reader (the only friend who knows about the abortions), I now have a Twitter account. Not much. Just a way to follow pro-life news and when my thoughts are in 140 characters or less. Occasionally I will get outbursts in my head. Not much to blog about, but enough to write down. You can find me at https://twitter.com/AnaAndHannah.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Things that Make You Go Hmmmm...
I have wanted the first few posts of this here little blog to be of my own personal story, then onto linking to other stories. But then again, not everything is "perfectly planned as we want it to be" ;) . I have been trying to come up with the words to continue my story. I am a follower of many pro-life organizations on FB. One of them being National Right to Life. Just came across one post that links to their main website, that really made me think and feel the need to share now. It is titled 10 amazing things that happen to babies before birth.
Completely shoots down the whole "It's just a clump of cells" or "It's just a blob of tissue" myths. Some of this is just amazing. It is lies that I was told by my own mother when she coerced me to have the abortion done. Such as the "blob" will feel no pain. It has no brain. I will get more into details of the coercion in future postings. In the meantime, check this out;
Anything in italics is my own commentary
1) “On the first day following fertilization, the human embryo is identifiable as a specific individual human being on a molecular level.”
2) A Baby’s Heart Begins to Beat at 21 Days.
Perhaps I had already known that during the coercion, but in the bullying down from family my mind was so confused that I wasn't even thinking that.
3) At 2 to 3 Weeks, a Baby’s Brain is the “First Organ to Appear.”
4) A Baby May Feel Physical Pain as Early as His Fifth Week.
Dear God in heavan! Why!? Why does no one tell you this!? In fact, they tell you just the opposite!
5) A Baby’s Kidneys are Present at Only 5 Weeks.
6) A Baby’s Brainwaves Can be Measured at 6 Weeks Old.
Wow, just wow! All I can say.
7) At 6 Weeks, a Baby Will Move Away if His Mouth is Touched.
8) A Baby’s Ear Can Begin to be Seen Around 6 Weeks.
9) A Baby Has Fingerprints at 9-10 Weeks.
10) A Baby Can Suck Her Thumb and Yawn at 9 1/2 Weeks Old.
This is just the synopsis of the main article. Please click the link above or here for the full article.
Completely shoots down the whole "It's just a clump of cells" or "It's just a blob of tissue" myths. Some of this is just amazing. It is lies that I was told by my own mother when she coerced me to have the abortion done. Such as the "blob" will feel no pain. It has no brain. I will get more into details of the coercion in future postings. In the meantime, check this out;
Anything in italics is my own commentary
1) “On the first day following fertilization, the human embryo is identifiable as a specific individual human being on a molecular level.”
2) A Baby’s Heart Begins to Beat at 21 Days.
Perhaps I had already known that during the coercion, but in the bullying down from family my mind was so confused that I wasn't even thinking that.
3) At 2 to 3 Weeks, a Baby’s Brain is the “First Organ to Appear.”
4) A Baby May Feel Physical Pain as Early as His Fifth Week.
Dear God in heavan! Why!? Why does no one tell you this!? In fact, they tell you just the opposite!
5) A Baby’s Kidneys are Present at Only 5 Weeks.
6) A Baby’s Brainwaves Can be Measured at 6 Weeks Old.
Wow, just wow! All I can say.
7) At 6 Weeks, a Baby Will Move Away if His Mouth is Touched.
8) A Baby’s Ear Can Begin to be Seen Around 6 Weeks.
9) A Baby Has Fingerprints at 9-10 Weeks.
10) A Baby Can Suck Her Thumb and Yawn at 9 1/2 Weeks Old.
This is just the synopsis of the main article. Please click the link above or here for the full article.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
The Memories are Somewhat Foggy and Hazy
I am just starting to write my memories, as I have only recently been confronted with them. As in with the previous post, I found in the timeline of my memories that I could not pinpoint exact times for certain events, mostly just in seasonal and roundabout time frames. That is also going to happen in future posts. Some aspects of the pregnancy and abortions, along with events following and related to said abortions, I have absolute clear memories. Other pieces, kind of sort of. Then some things, drawing total blanks. Please bear with me during the "foggy" parts.
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
I had been dating "Matt" since November of 1994. We started out as friends. I had only been living on my own for just a couple months before that. Never had any dating experience. I worked with "Matt." Sometimes he would visit me at my apartment, sometimes I would visit at him at his house. He had attempted quite a few times to get me to sleep with him. I rebuffed him at first. It was early January of 1995 when I finally lost my virginity to him.
I am not sure exactly when I would have gotten pregnant, perhaps it was during "my first time." I do recall at some point "Matt" was staying at my apartment, I think it was late January or early February. I woke up to go to the bathroom, he was still asleep. Nothing seriously physical was wrong with me. Yet, I couldn't shake off a strange feeling that something was "off." Not sure what it was exactly. I had wondered if maybe I were pregnant, yet I didn't really have any symptoms. I could feel something physical inside of me that just didn't seem usual.
Then I started getting a little poochy belly and my boobs were growing quite fast. I was then leaning towards the possibility that I may be pregnant. My family noticed my "growing." I just told them that maybe I was eating too much.
I still kept having gnawing thoughts of pregnancy. I kept those thoughts to myself. I had bought a couple at home pregnancy tests. The package said that results are shown after the first missed period. Well I didn't have a missed period. So that was useless. There was a part of me that didn't want to be pregnant, but a part of me would like to have been a mother. I can't quite explain the feeling.
Then one day, for no reason at all, I decided to clean the little apartment and rearrange the furniture. I just wanted a whole new look. That is when I had the very worst period of my entire life! The cramps were horrible. The bleeding was crazy. I was bed ridden for over a week. I had never ever had cramps before. Previously, since age 12, the bleeding was the only sign I was ever having my period.
Things just didn't seem right. I made an appointment with the doctor. I was young, naive and inexperienced. I was scared to tell her that I thought I may be pregnant. I just told her my symptoms, in hopes that she would ask the questions. She never did. Just gave me some pain pills.
Still, something did not seem right. I took another at home pregnancy test. Yep, positive. I do believe I told my mother first. I can't remember for sure if it was or her or "Matt" that I told first, most likely it was her. She was a bit disappointed, but she was willing to support me. She asked about the doctor visit. I told her that the doctor didn't even do or say anything leading toward pregnancy. My mother had called the doctor, and told her about my at home test results. She referred us to an OB/GYN. They confirmed that I was pregnant. An ultra sound was performed. My mother was with me and saw the ultra sound. I saw my little child. "She" was at 6 weeks along.
That is when I told "Matt" I was definitely pregnant. To be continued...
I am not sure exactly when I would have gotten pregnant, perhaps it was during "my first time." I do recall at some point "Matt" was staying at my apartment, I think it was late January or early February. I woke up to go to the bathroom, he was still asleep. Nothing seriously physical was wrong with me. Yet, I couldn't shake off a strange feeling that something was "off." Not sure what it was exactly. I had wondered if maybe I were pregnant, yet I didn't really have any symptoms. I could feel something physical inside of me that just didn't seem usual.
Then I started getting a little poochy belly and my boobs were growing quite fast. I was then leaning towards the possibility that I may be pregnant. My family noticed my "growing." I just told them that maybe I was eating too much.
I still kept having gnawing thoughts of pregnancy. I kept those thoughts to myself. I had bought a couple at home pregnancy tests. The package said that results are shown after the first missed period. Well I didn't have a missed period. So that was useless. There was a part of me that didn't want to be pregnant, but a part of me would like to have been a mother. I can't quite explain the feeling.
Then one day, for no reason at all, I decided to clean the little apartment and rearrange the furniture. I just wanted a whole new look. That is when I had the very worst period of my entire life! The cramps were horrible. The bleeding was crazy. I was bed ridden for over a week. I had never ever had cramps before. Previously, since age 12, the bleeding was the only sign I was ever having my period.
Things just didn't seem right. I made an appointment with the doctor. I was young, naive and inexperienced. I was scared to tell her that I thought I may be pregnant. I just told her my symptoms, in hopes that she would ask the questions. She never did. Just gave me some pain pills.
Still, something did not seem right. I took another at home pregnancy test. Yep, positive. I do believe I told my mother first. I can't remember for sure if it was or her or "Matt" that I told first, most likely it was her. She was a bit disappointed, but she was willing to support me. She asked about the doctor visit. I told her that the doctor didn't even do or say anything leading toward pregnancy. My mother had called the doctor, and told her about my at home test results. She referred us to an OB/GYN. They confirmed that I was pregnant. An ultra sound was performed. My mother was with me and saw the ultra sound. I saw my little child. "She" was at 6 weeks along.
That is when I told "Matt" I was definitely pregnant. To be continued...
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Introduction
I am nearing my 40th birthday. I had my first abortion when I was 20 years old. I have just now come to terms with it. After almost 20 years. At the beginning I was so far in denial that even if I were put through I lie detector test being asked such questions as if I ever had an abortion or was ever even pregnant I could answer no and completely pass said lie detector. A few years after that I did realize that I did have an abortion. Yet, it was so far in the back of my mind that I was reflecting on it in terms of being a third person.
It has only been since March of 2014 in which I realized that I did have any abortions. Where it actually felt like memories, as opposed to being on the outside looking in. The anxiety and other emotions have been constant in my thoughts since then. I replay in my head the circumstances leading up to the procedure. The coercion from family. Myself not standing up to them and protecting my own child. Wishing I had done one thing or another to have stopped it. Wishing that there had been someone with more of a backbone to stop it.
Looking back, I have realized how the abortions affected my life in a sub-conscience way. I have since been reading the truth about what abortion is really about. How the feminists have lied to women, and not just on abortion issues, since the so-called "sexual revolution." I may not know a whole lot. But I do plan to tell my story in parts. Give my opinions. Link to pro-life articles shedding the light on the truth and news that is pertinent to the pro-life movement. I am in no way an expert. But I do have thoughts. Thoughts that need to be shared.
It has only been since March of 2014 in which I realized that I did have any abortions. Where it actually felt like memories, as opposed to being on the outside looking in. The anxiety and other emotions have been constant in my thoughts since then. I replay in my head the circumstances leading up to the procedure. The coercion from family. Myself not standing up to them and protecting my own child. Wishing I had done one thing or another to have stopped it. Wishing that there had been someone with more of a backbone to stop it.
Looking back, I have realized how the abortions affected my life in a sub-conscience way. I have since been reading the truth about what abortion is really about. How the feminists have lied to women, and not just on abortion issues, since the so-called "sexual revolution." I may not know a whole lot. But I do plan to tell my story in parts. Give my opinions. Link to pro-life articles shedding the light on the truth and news that is pertinent to the pro-life movement. I am in no way an expert. But I do have thoughts. Thoughts that need to be shared.
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