Grandma is Going to be a Great Grandma

No, no, no, I am not pregnant! Goodness, no! I have proudly been a celibate asexual for over ten years. So ain't happening here.

My cousin's wife is pregnant. Making my grandma a great grandmother twenty three years after she was supposed to be the first time. I just found out a few days ago. I think everyone was afraid to tell me. My mother was the one who told me.

At first I was fine with it, perhaps a little numb. But now that the gravity of it all has hit I am feeling a little weirded out. Maybe a lot weirded. I don't know. Spending the day in bed. Perhaps eat comfort food. Read Bible and pray. Watch a movie.
I wish no ill will toward my cousin or his wife, and especially not toward the baby. I am actually happy for them. In fact, I am praying for a healthy pregnancy, a healthy birth and a healthy childhood for the baby.

I am feeling rather conflicted that my grandmother could easily be a great great grandmother already. Considering that Anastasia would now be twenty-two. Yet the situation will be viewed as her being a great grandmother for the first time. Both inside the immediate family, and in the extended family. The great granddaughter she rejected is tossed aside, not even a memory.

I guess she is happy about my cousin's baby. I don't know. She didn't even tell me about it. A part of me wants her to not be happy. I want her to recall the great granddaughter she rejected twenty three years ago. And feel severe pangs of guilt. I want her to understand the pain that it caused.

I know this is wrong. In fact I claimed to have forgiven her about half a year ago. Was the forgiveness a lie? Can I really have forgiven her yet still hurt? And want her to hurt? Am I a bad person for such feelings?

I am Responsible

I am sure to some readers the writing of my abortion experience may seem as though I am bragging about it. Or maybe that I am not taking responsibility for my part. Maybe I am placing blame on others.

It is a delicate balancing act for me. I do take responsibility for my part. But that is just it, my part. I was the one who was pregnant. I was the last in line to choose to have my children sucked out of me. I should have stood up for the sake of my daughters. The blame for the second abortion lies more on part than the first. That is a hard reality to take, but I take it. In the middle of the night I find myself saying aloud "I killed my children." Completely audible.

Am I the only one to blame? No. When the first pregnancy was confirmed I may not have been elated, but abortion sure as hell didn't come across my mind! There were others who led, maybe even manipulated me into relenting to the abortion. "Matt" for his non committal attitude. My mother for the turn around in support. My grandmother for the deception.

The common consensus is that people need to take the blame for their own actions. Yes, that is true. While the woman is the ultimate decider in whether to have the abortion; those who influence, coerce, or even at times force her, should accept their culpability in the death of the woman's child.
A few days ago I did a Google search about the statistics regarding the percentage of women who are coerced into abortion. Many websites and pro-life books state around 64%. Personally, I would believe the statistics to be at a much higher rate. From a website, The UnChoice, is this;

 Up to 64 percent of abortions involve feelings of being pressured to have an abortion, and other factors, such as rushed, deceptive, negligent or conflicted or profit-driven counseling, can also have a significant and often synergistic coercive effect.⁴ Furthermore, based on even the most minimal standards of care and human rights, such assembly-line care is exploitative at best and a recognized human rights abuse, even under liberal abortion laws.

Full article of How Common is Coercion, here.

I'm Mad at God!

Well, not really. Well, yes, maybe. I don't know.

I am coming up over a cold that had me bed ridden for a while, other than going to work. But not only that, it is around about the time my first child (Anastasia) would have been conceived twenty years ago. Funny thing about when you are sick in bed; not much you can do except sleep, read, watch online movies, and think. The thinking is what can sometimes knock you down. Heck, even the sleeping, if you are notorious for weird dreams. Which I am.

Been having buttload of baby and young child dreams. Nothing I can really remember much of. Sometimes it can just be simply giving birth. Having the baby in my life, yet being kept at arms lengths from being able to hold her. An older child being introduced to her new sibling. Being at an airport or some sort of transportation center; handing children over to some random woman and saying goodbye.

OK. That being said; let's get to the title of this post. The phrase "hindsight is 20/20" seems to be fitting for my current situation. When I have been awake I am just mopey. Hard to clean house, fix a meal, or do any regular household chores. Just sit and stare. While not technically a thing, I would call it "conception mourning." I already Googled to see if the description existed. Nope. I guess there is a rock band by that name, or a song.
I have read that women who have had abortions will mourn many anniversaries surrounding the abortion(s). One of those times could be in regard to the time the child was conceived. Probably true for women who have experienced miscarriages.
Looking back, that could be consciously or sub-consciously. In my case, I think it is leaning more towards the sub-contentiously. January has always been a sucky month for me. Never knew why. Always attributed to coming down from the holidays. Which could easily be true. But not the complete picture.
It was about this time three years ago, in 2014, in which I had my first break down. I felt like absolute crap! Yet I didn't know why. Oh, this has got to be a whole separate post as to when my break down and memories started. I will get to that soon. Hopefully sooner than later.

In the looking back, I feel as though I am mad at God. Where was He during the "family intervention"? Why didn't He give me the words to convince my family that abortion was wrong? Why didn't He smite my family; mom, aunt, grandmother? OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. Why didn't He at least temporarily incapacitate them, to give me time to get away from them? I could have run off and hid until I could find something resembling a nineties version of a crisis pregnancy center. Where was He the night before the abortion? Where was He when I walked into that clinic? Where was He just before the abortion happened? Where was He afterward?
Actually, come to think of it, where was God when I first met "Matt"? Where was He when"Matt" was first trying to seduce me? Where was He the night I finally did relent?

As has been stated in the post about the abortion itself, I came to a "conclusion" "that there is no God." But the reality is; I rejected God before the abortion. Sure, I had been baptized as a toddler. Sure, my mother occasionally took me to Sunday school, sometimes keeping me with her during church services. Sure, I did attend church during high school. Even belonging to the teen club at church and joining the teen choir. Of course calling myself a Christian. But I didn't really have much of a prayer life, nor attended church after graduating high school.
So, basically I didn't turn to Him during any of the moments leading up to the abortion. Didn't pray for the relationship between "Matt" and myself. Didn't pray about my child after I became pregnant. Don't remember much about what I was doing or thinking in the time between the "intervention" and the abortion. But I do know I didn't pray about it.

So in the end, it is myself I am mad at me. Not God.

(Since the time of the abortion I have since came back to church. It has been a journey. Becoming a member of a denomination different than that which I grew up. Joining a church of another denomination, once again. But this time I am sticking to it to the end. Have a much stronger prayer life. Perhaps I will talk about that at a later time.)

Which is the Real Punishment; Baby or Abortion?

I was thinking about the comment President Barack Obama made regarding not wanting his daughters to be "punished with a baby," in 2008, during his first presidential election.
While I try to leave political views out of my posts I believe in looking at all angles of an issue.  I am not one to get my information from just one source or the other.  I refuse to focus on information that leans to one agenda or the other.  So I decided to refresh myself with the segment of his speech through a Google search.  Supposedly, he wasn't talking about abortion or supporting getting abortions for his daughters.  I watched the video clip, read the "explanations" from both sides.  Yeah, it's rather iffy and can be taken either way; depending on what the person's view is already. Typical of most politicians.  I will let you click the Google search here and decide on your own.  Either way, the attitude of being "punished with a baby" seems to be within the pro-abortion side.

This got me to thinking; in comparison to a pregnancy or abortion, which is really the punishment?  A baby is a gift.  Not a gift from the woman's husband or boyfriend (or fill in other possibilities).  But she is a gift from God.  Would you take a gift from a friend or beloved family member and say "gee thanks, I really like this, but not right now or not ever" and then tear it up and throw it in the trash?
Remember, I have had abortions also, so I am not judging.  Just reflecting and looking back.

I am reminded of when I was in the third grade, being the latchkey kid that I was, while my mom was at work I snuck into her closet to find two Cabbage Patch dolls that she was holding until Christmas.  I guess I had misbehaved in school or didn't do my homework or something.  So she took one of the dolls back.  After opening Christmas presents that year I looked around asking my mom where the other doll was.  Oops.  She asked me why I thought there was another doll.  I had to tell her.  She was mad.

Here's my point.  Kids get presents from their parents.  When they misbehave the parents sometimes take away the gift.  There is a similarity to that and abortion, especially when the mother is forced or coerced.  Maybe even when the mother was in full decision of the abortion, whether she let anyone know about it.  Whether there is pressure from family, boyfriend/husband, friends, or society they are the ones who are telling the woman that "she is a bad little girl" and should have her gift taken away as her punishment.  She doesn't deserve to have the baby.  Yet, it is packaged as the pregnancy being the punishment.  Again, even for the woman who made the decision on her own, she too is being punished by society.  Due to society's view on pregnancy during "imperfect circumstances" and abortion.
*I don't quite recall if the actual word "punishment" was used during the "family intervention" but I do remember the allusion to the "fact" that continuing a pregnancy would be a "punishment."

When making the comparisons to parents taking away a gift and pressure to abort it is almost like these YouTube videos out there where parents hammer out or shoot up a kid's expensive tech item such as iPhone, iPad, laptop, Xbox, etc.  Kid misused the privilege, that comes along with such tech objects, given to them.  So the parents destroy the object, while the kid can do nothing but witness the destruction.  Never again to be in a useable condition or to be seen anymore.
Which is quite similar to abortion being used as a punishment.  The child is destroyed.  Never to be loved.  Never to be held.  Never for the parents to see or hear his firsts; words, crawling, walking, eating solids, attending school, extracurricular activities, marriage, family of their own.  The mother of the aborted child is there to witness the destruction.  There is nothing she can do to stop it.  Afterwards she just stares at the destruction, not able to anything but cry.  Maybe not now, but possibly later.
I have always thought these videos of the parents destroying their kids' high end toys are dumb.  The parents could hold onto the toy until the kid straightens up.  Give it to charity.  Sell it on eBay.  Do something where the item is not destroyed and can still be used.
Same with a child where the mother is currently unable take care of the child.  She should be encouraged to carry the pregnancy to terms.  Her family should be there to support her and the child, given resources on being able to care for the child while being raised by her. If there is no way to do that perhaps someone could step up and take care of the child until the mother is in a situation to raise the child herself.  If there is no one able to do that for her then encourage adoption.

Of course a child can not completely  be compared to an inanimate object.  That is where the similarities differ.  Yes, when the Xbox or whatever is being destroyed the kid is going to be upset and cry.  But they will not look back years or decades away and mourn for the object that was destroyed.  They may possibly realize they were dumb for doing whatever it was that caused the destruction of the object.
As for the abortion she will look back at the abortion and regret it.  Regret that there is no way to bring back the child.  She may even regret partaking in the action that got her pregnant.  Of course I am looking at this from the perspective of a woman who was unmarried at the time.  I do realize that there are women who are married at the time of their pregnancies,who abort.  My empathy goes out to them, whatever the situation.

Another difference between the parents who destroy inanimate objects and abortions is that the tech gadget is a gift from the earthly parents.  While a baby is a gift from God, our Heavenly Father.  The gift from the parents is destroyed by the parents who gave them the gift.  The gift from God is NOT destroyed by The Father who gave the gift to the family.  But is destroyed by the world and the culture. 
This is something I am finally coming to terms with.  At the time of my first abortion I came to "the 'realization' that there was no God."  I never knew I had that thought until sometime last year, in 2014.

*Recent additions after editing

Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) EDITED

Below is the edited add ons; with an * in front.


So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet.  I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet.  But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past.  It will not bring my babies back.  So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.

Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),

I don't know you.  You don't know me.  But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance.  You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy.  You are searching the internet looking for advice.  You are unsure what to do.  Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption.  You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do.  Some of them you know personally.  Others are just noise in the media.  You have no room in your mind to think.  Girl, I know.  I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella.  Rings and wedding plans already made.  Perhaps you are in a casual relationship.  Maybe you are already married already with or without other children.  Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared.  Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception.  My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion.  Saying it is the only way or the best way.  You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do.  The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue.  It's not a person.  It is so small that it can't really be a person.  Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body?  Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now.  Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows.  They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby.  Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him.  Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption.  Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family. 
Maybe you are on the other spectrum.  Maybe you do want an abortion.  Maybe those around you do support your decision.  Maybe they don't.  Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization.  I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life.  So I can't give the best advice that others can give you.  But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion.  And I do know how the after effects will be.  Once it is done there is no turning back.  There is no bringing that baby back.  Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion.  Time does not heal.  Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later.  To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side.  This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of  raising the child or releasing to adoption.  There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about. 

* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know.  Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes.  Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business."  Believe me, I know how you are feeling.  I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy.  I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time.  Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now.  I was too scared to call them.  This being the era before the internet.  You may be saying "But I am not Catholic."  They will help you anyways.  And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services.  When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic.  We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child."  Or something like that.  Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life.  I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image." 
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice.  Please, please do not give up.  Give her all the pro-life information you can.

What Were Her True Thoughts?

After finishing writing the Her Views Turned on a Dime, in regards to my mother's coercing of the abortion, I figured I needed to write the following before I continue any further.  I have a few questions running through my mind.

I am wondering what my mother's true feelings were when she found out I was pregnant.  Was she truly supportive of the pregnancy and my choice to keep the baby, at first?  Did she want me to have an abortion from the start?  Was her "support" a rouse to relax me and gain my trust?  Was she talking to "pro-choice" persons as soon as she found out I was pregnant?  Was she waiting for the "right timing" to spring forth coercing me into the abortion?  Had she been given talking points from Planned Parenthood or another abortion center about how to coerce me?  What did they tell her, if so?  Did they tell her I may object?  And how to counter my objections?  If there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time did they tell her?  If so, did they tell her how to avoid having me considering contacting them?   Did they tell her that I may bring up the suggestion of adoption?
Did they give her all the information in regards to abortion?  Yet, tell her to avoid any of the "grisly" details?  Or did they give her the "cute little phrases" and tired old tripe talking points?  My mother should have known the details.  As she had been a hospital nurse before I was born, along with working in a doctor's office after my parents' divorce.  My mother wasn't clueless about all the details involved in pregnancy.
Of course women who have been pregnant know the basic details about babies, pregnancy and birth.  But she knew the ins and outs details of the biology and terminology from conception to birth.  She still had her biology books from nursing school in the early 70's on her book shelf.  Along with books with updated info, from the early to mid 80's.
Did she know that complications, needless complications, can result from abortion?  Did she know that women still die from "legal" abortions?  Did she know that babies get torn to bits while being sucked through the vacuum?  Did she know that the abortion vacuum is 29 times more powerful than a household vacuum?  Did she know that damage can be done to the body; i.e. cervix, uterus?  Did she know that such damage can cause miscarriages in future pregnancies due to weak cervix muscles?  Did she know that overall infertility can be caused due to the damage?  Did she know that women who have had abortion can have a higher risk of breast cancer?  Did she know that women who have had abortions have a higher risk of suicide than any other groups of women?  Did she know that many, if not most, women who have aborted babies have regrets, whether soon after or many years down the road?  Despite what she told me during the coercion?  Did she not know that messing with a pregnant woman's body is damaging and not right, along with being very invasive?
I really would truly like to believe that she really was supportive of me and my child, her grandchild, at the beginning.  But it does make one wonder how she could switch views over something as trite as a dumb old unpaid speeding ticket!