No, no, no, I am not pregnant! Goodness, no! I have proudly been a celibate asexual for over ten years. So ain't happening here.
My cousin's wife is pregnant. Making my grandma a great grandmother twenty three years after she was supposed to be the first time. I just found out a few days ago. I think everyone was afraid to tell me. My mother was the one who told me.
At first I was fine with it, perhaps a little numb. But now that the gravity of it all has hit I am feeling a little weirded out. Maybe a lot weirded. I don't know. Spending the day in bed. Perhaps eat comfort food. Read Bible and pray. Watch a movie.
I wish no ill will toward my cousin or his wife, and especially not toward the baby. I am actually happy for them. In fact, I am praying for a healthy pregnancy, a healthy birth and a healthy childhood for the baby.
I am feeling rather conflicted that my grandmother could easily be a great great grandmother already. Considering that Anastasia would now be twenty-two. Yet the situation will be viewed as her being a great grandmother for the first time. Both inside the immediate family, and in the extended family. The great granddaughter she rejected is tossed aside, not even a memory.
I guess she is happy about my cousin's baby. I don't know. She didn't even tell me about it. A part of me wants her to not be happy. I want her to recall the great granddaughter she rejected twenty three years ago. And feel severe pangs of guilt. I want her to understand the pain that it caused.
I know this is wrong. In fact I claimed to have forgiven her about half a year ago. Was the forgiveness a lie? Can I really have forgiven her yet still hurt? And want her to hurt? Am I a bad person for such feelings?
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Does He Even Remember Me?
That's a question I asked myself last night while trying to sleep.
I sometimes have dreams about getting back together with "Matt." Many times it comes to fruition. But then he disappears. Or one of us we will try to contact each other, yet missing a connection. We are never parents in any of the dreams. I never really gave much thought to any of these dreams, other than wonder where that came from after waking up.
Until last night. I was thinking about him. Thought about the good times and the bad times. And yes, there were good times. But does he remember any of them? Does he remember the woman he dated for a year and a half? Does he remember the woman whom he impregnated? Does he ever wonder if the child really was lost to miscarriage? Did he ever wonder if she was pregnant before breaking up with him? If he thought yes, did he wonder what happened to that child?
Does he even remember her name? Does he remember what she looks like? Does he remember that he was her first...everything?
I remember the first time he kissed me. I giggled. It was nothing against him. I wasn't laughing at him. I was almost twenty years old, and had never been kissed! Heck, I had never even dated anyone! It was a nervous reaction. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to say it back. He was rather offended by that. I wasn't sure if I did love him. I didn't know what love is. Perhaps I still don't. I did end up reciprocating the sentiment. But did I mean it? Did he mean it? I don't know. Perhaps, on both accounts.
I remember the first time he tried to have sex with me. I remember being swept away and taken in. Almost relenting. Then pulling back. I remember the first time of surrendering to him. The details of which would not be appropriate to speak of.
During the breakdown of 2014 I did check on Facebook to see if he had a profile set up. Not really that I wanted to reconnect, just checking to see if he was on there. What would I even say to him? Why would I tell him that I was contacting him after all this time? At that time he was in a relationship. He may or may not still be.
I have since found out that he now has a son. Doing the math, that son is less than a year younger than what Hanelore would be. Because I don't know the exact mathematics of that boy's birth month or even when Hanelore's due date would have been; I am not sure if "Matt" impregnated another woman towards the end of our relationship or soon after my breaking up with him.
There is a bit of hurt in that. Whether he was cheating on me or started a relationship soon after the break up. I can't help but wonder what was so special about the mother of his son that she was "allowed to" give birth to his child, but I wasn't. Did she have support from "Matt"? Did she have support from her family? Or was she stronger than me and stood up to them all? Is she the woman "Matt" is in a relationship with, or was recently? Does "Matt" look at his son and think that the son may or may not have a sister? Does he regret his non committal attitude toward my pregnancy with Anastasia?
I sometimes have dreams about getting back together with "Matt." Many times it comes to fruition. But then he disappears. Or one of us we will try to contact each other, yet missing a connection. We are never parents in any of the dreams. I never really gave much thought to any of these dreams, other than wonder where that came from after waking up.
Until last night. I was thinking about him. Thought about the good times and the bad times. And yes, there were good times. But does he remember any of them? Does he remember the woman he dated for a year and a half? Does he remember the woman whom he impregnated? Does he ever wonder if the child really was lost to miscarriage? Did he ever wonder if she was pregnant before breaking up with him? If he thought yes, did he wonder what happened to that child?
Does he even remember her name? Does he remember what she looks like? Does he remember that he was her first...everything?
I remember the first time he kissed me. I giggled. It was nothing against him. I wasn't laughing at him. I was almost twenty years old, and had never been kissed! Heck, I had never even dated anyone! It was a nervous reaction. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to say it back. He was rather offended by that. I wasn't sure if I did love him. I didn't know what love is. Perhaps I still don't. I did end up reciprocating the sentiment. But did I mean it? Did he mean it? I don't know. Perhaps, on both accounts.
I remember the first time he tried to have sex with me. I remember being swept away and taken in. Almost relenting. Then pulling back. I remember the first time of surrendering to him. The details of which would not be appropriate to speak of.
During the breakdown of 2014 I did check on Facebook to see if he had a profile set up. Not really that I wanted to reconnect, just checking to see if he was on there. What would I even say to him? Why would I tell him that I was contacting him after all this time? At that time he was in a relationship. He may or may not still be.
I have since found out that he now has a son. Doing the math, that son is less than a year younger than what Hanelore would be. Because I don't know the exact mathematics of that boy's birth month or even when Hanelore's due date would have been; I am not sure if "Matt" impregnated another woman towards the end of our relationship or soon after my breaking up with him.
There is a bit of hurt in that. Whether he was cheating on me or started a relationship soon after the break up. I can't help but wonder what was so special about the mother of his son that she was "allowed to" give birth to his child, but I wasn't. Did she have support from "Matt"? Did she have support from her family? Or was she stronger than me and stood up to them all? Is she the woman "Matt" is in a relationship with, or was recently? Does "Matt" look at his son and think that the son may or may not have a sister? Does he regret his non committal attitude toward my pregnancy with Anastasia?
Sunday, January 15, 2017
I'm Mad at God!
Well, not really. Well, yes, maybe. I don't know.
I am coming up over a cold that had me bed ridden for a while, other than going to work. But not only that, it is around about the time my first child (Anastasia) would have been conceived twenty years ago. Funny thing about when you are sick in bed; not much you can do except sleep, read, watch online movies, and think. The thinking is what can sometimes knock you down. Heck, even the sleeping, if you are notorious for weird dreams. Which I am.
Been having buttload of baby and young child dreams. Nothing I can really remember much of. Sometimes it can just be simply giving birth. Having the baby in my life, yet being kept at arms lengths from being able to hold her. An older child being introduced to her new sibling. Being at an airport or some sort of transportation center; handing children over to some random woman and saying goodbye.
OK. That being said; let's get to the title of this post. The phrase "hindsight is 20/20" seems to be fitting for my current situation. When I have been awake I am just mopey. Hard to clean house, fix a meal, or do any regular household chores. Just sit and stare. While not technically a thing, I would call it "conception mourning." I already Googled to see if the description existed. Nope. I guess there is a rock band by that name, or a song.
I have read that women who have had abortions will mourn many anniversaries surrounding the abortion(s). One of those times could be in regard to the time the child was conceived. Probably true for women who have experienced miscarriages.
Looking back, that could be consciously or sub-consciously. In my case, I think it is leaning more towards the sub-contentiously. January has always been a sucky month for me. Never knew why. Always attributed to coming down from the holidays. Which could easily be true. But not the complete picture.
It was about this time three years ago, in 2014, in which I had my first break down. I felt like absolute crap! Yet I didn't know why. Oh, this has got to be a whole separate post as to when my break down and memories started. I will get to that soon. Hopefully sooner than later.
In the looking back, I feel as though I am mad at God. Where was He during the "family intervention"? Why didn't He give me the words to convince my family that abortion was wrong? Why didn't He smite my family; mom, aunt, grandmother? OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. Why didn't He at least temporarily incapacitate them, to give me time to get away from them? I could have run off and hid until I could find something resembling a nineties version of a crisis pregnancy center. Where was He the night before the abortion? Where was He when I walked into that clinic? Where was He just before the abortion happened? Where was He afterward?
Actually, come to think of it, where was God when I first met "Matt"? Where was He when"Matt" was first trying to seduce me? Where was He the night I finally did relent?
As has been stated in the post about the abortion itself, I came to a "conclusion" "that there is no God." But the reality is; I rejected God before the abortion. Sure, I had been baptized as a toddler. Sure, my mother occasionally took me to Sunday school, sometimes keeping me with her during church services. Sure, I did attend church during high school. Even belonging to the teen club at church and joining the teen choir. Of course calling myself a Christian. But I didn't really have much of a prayer life, nor attended church after graduating high school.
So, basically I didn't turn to Him during any of the moments leading up to the abortion. Didn't pray for the relationship between "Matt" and myself. Didn't pray about my child after I became pregnant. Don't remember much about what I was doing or thinking in the time between the "intervention" and the abortion. But I do know I didn't pray about it.
So in the end, it is myself I am mad at me. Not God.
(Since the time of the abortion I have since came back to church. It has been a journey. Becoming a member of a denomination different than that which I grew up. Joining a church of another denomination, once again. But this time I am sticking to it to the end. Have a much stronger prayer life. Perhaps I will talk about that at a later time.)
I am coming up over a cold that had me bed ridden for a while, other than going to work. But not only that, it is around about the time my first child (Anastasia) would have been conceived twenty years ago. Funny thing about when you are sick in bed; not much you can do except sleep, read, watch online movies, and think. The thinking is what can sometimes knock you down. Heck, even the sleeping, if you are notorious for weird dreams. Which I am.
Been having buttload of baby and young child dreams. Nothing I can really remember much of. Sometimes it can just be simply giving birth. Having the baby in my life, yet being kept at arms lengths from being able to hold her. An older child being introduced to her new sibling. Being at an airport or some sort of transportation center; handing children over to some random woman and saying goodbye.
OK. That being said; let's get to the title of this post. The phrase "hindsight is 20/20" seems to be fitting for my current situation. When I have been awake I am just mopey. Hard to clean house, fix a meal, or do any regular household chores. Just sit and stare. While not technically a thing, I would call it "conception mourning." I already Googled to see if the description existed. Nope. I guess there is a rock band by that name, or a song.
I have read that women who have had abortions will mourn many anniversaries surrounding the abortion(s). One of those times could be in regard to the time the child was conceived. Probably true for women who have experienced miscarriages.
Looking back, that could be consciously or sub-consciously. In my case, I think it is leaning more towards the sub-contentiously. January has always been a sucky month for me. Never knew why. Always attributed to coming down from the holidays. Which could easily be true. But not the complete picture.
It was about this time three years ago, in 2014, in which I had my first break down. I felt like absolute crap! Yet I didn't know why. Oh, this has got to be a whole separate post as to when my break down and memories started. I will get to that soon. Hopefully sooner than later.
In the looking back, I feel as though I am mad at God. Where was He during the "family intervention"? Why didn't He give me the words to convince my family that abortion was wrong? Why didn't He smite my family; mom, aunt, grandmother? OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. Why didn't He at least temporarily incapacitate them, to give me time to get away from them? I could have run off and hid until I could find something resembling a nineties version of a crisis pregnancy center. Where was He the night before the abortion? Where was He when I walked into that clinic? Where was He just before the abortion happened? Where was He afterward?
Actually, come to think of it, where was God when I first met "Matt"? Where was He when"Matt" was first trying to seduce me? Where was He the night I finally did relent?
As has been stated in the post about the abortion itself, I came to a "conclusion" "that there is no God." But the reality is; I rejected God before the abortion. Sure, I had been baptized as a toddler. Sure, my mother occasionally took me to Sunday school, sometimes keeping me with her during church services. Sure, I did attend church during high school. Even belonging to the teen club at church and joining the teen choir. Of course calling myself a Christian. But I didn't really have much of a prayer life, nor attended church after graduating high school.
So, basically I didn't turn to Him during any of the moments leading up to the abortion. Didn't pray for the relationship between "Matt" and myself. Didn't pray about my child after I became pregnant. Don't remember much about what I was doing or thinking in the time between the "intervention" and the abortion. But I do know I didn't pray about it.
So in the end, it is myself I am mad at me. Not God.
(Since the time of the abortion I have since came back to church. It has been a journey. Becoming a member of a denomination different than that which I grew up. Joining a church of another denomination, once again. But this time I am sticking to it to the end. Have a much stronger prayer life. Perhaps I will talk about that at a later time.)
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Which is the Real Punishment; Baby or Abortion?
I was thinking about the comment President Barack Obama made regarding not wanting his daughters to be "punished with a baby," in 2008, during his first presidential election.
While I try to leave political views out of my posts I believe in looking at all angles of an issue. I am not one to get my information from just one source or the other. I refuse to focus on information that leans to one agenda or the other. So I decided to refresh myself with the segment of his speech through a Google search. Supposedly, he wasn't talking about abortion or supporting getting abortions for his daughters. I watched the video clip, read the "explanations" from both sides. Yeah, it's rather iffy and can be taken either way; depending on what the person's view is already. Typical of most politicians. I will let you click the Google search here and decide on your own. Either way, the attitude of being "punished with a baby" seems to be within the pro-abortion side.
This got me to thinking; in comparison to a pregnancy or abortion, which is really the punishment? A baby is a gift. Not a gift from the woman's husband or boyfriend (or fill in other possibilities). But she is a gift from God. Would you take a gift from a friend or beloved family member and say "gee thanks, I really like this, but not right now or not ever" and then tear it up and throw it in the trash?
Remember, I have had abortions also, so I am not judging. Just reflecting and looking back.
I am reminded of when I was in the third grade, being the latchkey kid that I was, while my mom was at work I snuck into her closet to find two Cabbage Patch dolls that she was holding until Christmas. I guess I had misbehaved in school or didn't do my homework or something. So she took one of the dolls back. After opening Christmas presents that year I looked around asking my mom where the other doll was. Oops. She asked me why I thought there was another doll. I had to tell her. She was mad.
Here's my point. Kids get presents from their parents. When they misbehave the parents sometimes take away the gift. There is a similarity to that and abortion, especially when the mother is forced or coerced. Maybe even when the mother was in full decision of the abortion, whether she let anyone know about it. Whether there is pressure from family, boyfriend/husband, friends, or society they are the ones who are telling the woman that "she is a bad little girl" and should have her gift taken away as her punishment. She doesn't deserve to have the baby. Yet, it is packaged as the pregnancy being the punishment. Again, even for the woman who made the decision on her own, she too is being punished by society. Due to society's view on pregnancy during "imperfect circumstances" and abortion.
*I don't quite recall if the actual word "punishment" was used during the "family intervention" but I do remember the allusion to the "fact" that continuing a pregnancy would be a "punishment."
When making the comparisons to parents taking away a gift and pressure to abort it is almost like these YouTube videos out there where parents hammer out or shoot up a kid's expensive tech item such as iPhone, iPad, laptop, Xbox, etc. Kid misused the privilege, that comes along with such tech objects, given to them. So the parents destroy the object, while the kid can do nothing but witness the destruction. Never again to be in a useable condition or to be seen anymore.
Which is quite similar to abortion being used as a punishment. The child is destroyed. Never to be loved. Never to be held. Never for the parents to see or hear his firsts; words, crawling, walking, eating solids, attending school, extracurricular activities, marriage, family of their own. The mother of the aborted child is there to witness the destruction. There is nothing she can do to stop it. Afterwards she just stares at the destruction, not able to anything but cry. Maybe not now, but possibly later.
I have always thought these videos of the parents destroying their kids' high end toys are dumb. The parents could hold onto the toy until the kid straightens up. Give it to charity. Sell it on eBay. Do something where the item is not destroyed and can still be used.
Same with a child where the mother is currently unable take care of the child. She should be encouraged to carry the pregnancy to terms. Her family should be there to support her and the child, given resources on being able to care for the child while being raised by her. If there is no way to do that perhaps someone could step up and take care of the child until the mother is in a situation to raise the child herself. If there is no one able to do that for her then encourage adoption.
Of course a child can not completely be compared to an inanimate object. That is where the similarities differ. Yes, when the Xbox or whatever is being destroyed the kid is going to be upset and cry. But they will not look back years or decades away and mourn for the object that was destroyed. They may possibly realize they were dumb for doing whatever it was that caused the destruction of the object.
As for the abortion she will look back at the abortion and regret it. Regret that there is no way to bring back the child. She may even regret partaking in the action that got her pregnant. Of course I am looking at this from the perspective of a woman who was unmarried at the time. I do realize that there are women who are married at the time of their pregnancies,who abort. My empathy goes out to them, whatever the situation.
Another difference between the parents who destroy inanimate objects and abortions is that the tech gadget is a gift from the earthly parents. While a baby is a gift from God, our Heavenly Father. The gift from the parents is destroyed by the parents who gave them the gift. The gift from God is NOT destroyed by The Father who gave the gift to the family. But is destroyed by the world and the culture.
This is something I am finally coming to terms with. At the time of my first abortion I came to "the 'realization' that there was no God." I never knew I had that thought until sometime last year, in 2014.
*Recent additions after editing
While I try to leave political views out of my posts I believe in looking at all angles of an issue. I am not one to get my information from just one source or the other. I refuse to focus on information that leans to one agenda or the other. So I decided to refresh myself with the segment of his speech through a Google search. Supposedly, he wasn't talking about abortion or supporting getting abortions for his daughters. I watched the video clip, read the "explanations" from both sides. Yeah, it's rather iffy and can be taken either way; depending on what the person's view is already. Typical of most politicians. I will let you click the Google search here and decide on your own. Either way, the attitude of being "punished with a baby" seems to be within the pro-abortion side.
This got me to thinking; in comparison to a pregnancy or abortion, which is really the punishment? A baby is a gift. Not a gift from the woman's husband or boyfriend (or fill in other possibilities). But she is a gift from God. Would you take a gift from a friend or beloved family member and say "gee thanks, I really like this, but not right now or not ever" and then tear it up and throw it in the trash?
Remember, I have had abortions also, so I am not judging. Just reflecting and looking back.
I am reminded of when I was in the third grade, being the latchkey kid that I was, while my mom was at work I snuck into her closet to find two Cabbage Patch dolls that she was holding until Christmas. I guess I had misbehaved in school or didn't do my homework or something. So she took one of the dolls back. After opening Christmas presents that year I looked around asking my mom where the other doll was. Oops. She asked me why I thought there was another doll. I had to tell her. She was mad.
Here's my point. Kids get presents from their parents. When they misbehave the parents sometimes take away the gift. There is a similarity to that and abortion, especially when the mother is forced or coerced. Maybe even when the mother was in full decision of the abortion, whether she let anyone know about it. Whether there is pressure from family, boyfriend/husband, friends, or society they are the ones who are telling the woman that "she is a bad little girl" and should have her gift taken away as her punishment. She doesn't deserve to have the baby. Yet, it is packaged as the pregnancy being the punishment. Again, even for the woman who made the decision on her own, she too is being punished by society. Due to society's view on pregnancy during "imperfect circumstances" and abortion.
*I don't quite recall if the actual word "punishment" was used during the "family intervention" but I do remember the allusion to the "fact" that continuing a pregnancy would be a "punishment."
When making the comparisons to parents taking away a gift and pressure to abort it is almost like these YouTube videos out there where parents hammer out or shoot up a kid's expensive tech item such as iPhone, iPad, laptop, Xbox, etc. Kid misused the privilege, that comes along with such tech objects, given to them. So the parents destroy the object, while the kid can do nothing but witness the destruction. Never again to be in a useable condition or to be seen anymore.
Which is quite similar to abortion being used as a punishment. The child is destroyed. Never to be loved. Never to be held. Never for the parents to see or hear his firsts; words, crawling, walking, eating solids, attending school, extracurricular activities, marriage, family of their own. The mother of the aborted child is there to witness the destruction. There is nothing she can do to stop it. Afterwards she just stares at the destruction, not able to anything but cry. Maybe not now, but possibly later.
I have always thought these videos of the parents destroying their kids' high end toys are dumb. The parents could hold onto the toy until the kid straightens up. Give it to charity. Sell it on eBay. Do something where the item is not destroyed and can still be used.
Same with a child where the mother is currently unable take care of the child. She should be encouraged to carry the pregnancy to terms. Her family should be there to support her and the child, given resources on being able to care for the child while being raised by her. If there is no way to do that perhaps someone could step up and take care of the child until the mother is in a situation to raise the child herself. If there is no one able to do that for her then encourage adoption.
Of course a child can not completely be compared to an inanimate object. That is where the similarities differ. Yes, when the Xbox or whatever is being destroyed the kid is going to be upset and cry. But they will not look back years or decades away and mourn for the object that was destroyed. They may possibly realize they were dumb for doing whatever it was that caused the destruction of the object.
As for the abortion she will look back at the abortion and regret it. Regret that there is no way to bring back the child. She may even regret partaking in the action that got her pregnant. Of course I am looking at this from the perspective of a woman who was unmarried at the time. I do realize that there are women who are married at the time of their pregnancies,who abort. My empathy goes out to them, whatever the situation.
Another difference between the parents who destroy inanimate objects and abortions is that the tech gadget is a gift from the earthly parents. While a baby is a gift from God, our Heavenly Father. The gift from the parents is destroyed by the parents who gave them the gift. The gift from God is NOT destroyed by The Father who gave the gift to the family. But is destroyed by the world and the culture.
This is something I am finally coming to terms with. At the time of my first abortion I came to "the 'realization' that there was no God." I never knew I had that thought until sometime last year, in 2014.
*Recent additions after editing
Thursday, May 7, 2015
The Second Abortion
This is a hard post to write. After writing about the first abortion, in categorized posts, I was unable to go forward with writing about the second abortion. Perhaps the reason for that is mental exhaustion, feeling like collapsing after writing about it. Perhaps shame. I don't know. Maybe a bit of both.
It took me forever to even remember the abortions. Though I always knew in the back of my mind, I ignored them. Though they always affected my life in one way or another. The way I lived. The way I reacted around men. The men I chose, or more or less put up with and let choose me.
All the while I lied even to myself after remembering the abortions. I only told myself about the first one. Perhaps it was the differing reactions to finding out about the pregnancies. During the first pregnancy plans were being made for, Anastasia, my first daughter. The second time I never even acknowledged, Hanelore, the child within me. There are even more "blank spots" in this abortion.
Perhaps you may want to start and the beginning and read about the first abortions to know where my story starts and come back when you are finished; My first abortion story.
The following memories are quite fuzzy, possibly more so than those of the first abortion. So, since having the second abortion I moved away from (my hometown) and to (town my mom lived in). I was still seeing "Matt" after the move. I would drive to (his town) see him, or occasionally he would drive to (town) to see me. Of course we were having sexual relations. During one of the visits he saw my belly, it was getting bigger. In fact, I never really even noticed. He asked me if I were pregnant. I denied it, not just to him, but to myself also.
Even if after he pointed it out, I still ignored any thoughts of being pregnant. Then one day while I was at work I went to use the rest room. For some reason when I looked down at my belly I noticed that my tummy was bigger. Then that's when the reality hit that I could be pregnant. So many thoughts came running through all flashing at the speed of light.
I was scared, I recalled everything that went on during the first pregnancy and abortion. "Matt's" reaction and attitude. My mother's attitude and coercion. I really didn't know what to do. I hate to admit it, but I could not envision carrying the pregnancy to term. But I did not like the idea of going through another abortion.
I guess I picked up an at home pregnancy test after work. I don't know. I know sometime soon after I did purchase said test. Maybe it was the next day or during one of my first day off after seeing my large belly. I do remember when seeing the positive results. I know it was quite early in the morning. I was hopelessly frantic. The first thought was abortion, totally unlike the reaction to the first pregnancy.
Very odd, but the first person I called was a professor from college. I should probably back track there. See, even though I was in a relationship with "Matt" I was seeing a professor from the college I was attending. Seeing as in having a bit of a fling. The class I met him in had already finished before anything happened between us. Not that I am excusing anything, just adding the back story.
Gosh, I have no idea how early in the day it was. Just I know it was quite early. I think I woke him up when I called. No "hey, how you doing" I just simply blurted out "I have to have an abortion!". He just said "I can't talk right now." My heart just sank. I felt even more alone than I did before. I didn't even think he could be the father. He had been using condoms during our "trysts." I suppose there could have been a minuscule chance, but I was thinking of Mike being the father. I guess the reason for calling him may have been deep down I wanted him to convince me not to.
Feeling scared, confused and trapped; I looked in the phone book looking under "abortions." I found one ad that said something to the effect of "Pregnant? Feeling scared? Wanting an abortion? Call us." So that's what I did. I called. Some lady answered. I blurted out that I was looking to have an abortion. The lady was really snotty. She said "We don't do abortions!" In a very judgmental tone, and hung up. Not sure which of us hung up first.
I felt even more bad. I thought I could do this on my own without anyone knowing. Now what was I going to do? I was too scared to call anyone after that. I guessed I was going to have to tell my mother.
Looking back, the place I called with the snotty lady was most likely a pregnancy crisis center. Fine, they didn't do abortions. But why couldn't she have tried to talk to me? Ask me questions? Ask why I wanted an abortion? Tried to talk me out of it?
Later in the day Mr. Professor called me. Said he was sorry he wasn't able to talk to me when I called. He was telling me I should have the abortion and that it would probably be best. He told me that he knew others who had abortions. I still wasn't even thinking about the first abortion. It's like I remembered it, but didn't. Looking back, I wonder if he ever wondered if there was a possibility it was his child.
Fast forward to Fourth of July 1996. My family was planning on having a picnic at my grandmother's. My mother and I drove in separate cars. The plan was to meet "Matt" after both of our families had their picnics. I just couldn't face him. I didn't want to. I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to be able to see him. I broke up with him over the phone. He accused me of cheating. I denied it. Yes, I know, Mr. Professor, and all. But he didn't know. There's no way he could know. OK, so there's no excuse.
I just wanted to be alone, away from people. I left my grandmother's. Told my mom I wasn't feeling well. Drove home.
When my mother got home I broke down and told her. I told her I wanted an abortion. She never questioned me or asked if maybe I would want to carry the baby to terms. She asked if I was certain I was pregnant. I told her I was sure and that the pregnancy test had two tests in the kit. Didn't even have to wait the 5 or 10 minutes or however long the instructions said. I could practically see the results show up as I was peeing on the stick.
At some point a doctor's appointment was made. It was confirmed I was pregnant. My mother told the doctor I was for certain going to have an abortion. The insurance and the doctor was connected the Catholic hospital in town. He said because of that he couldn't refer me to an abortionist. Yet, he didn't try to convince me not to have the abortion.
Eventually I was given a vaginal exam at another doctor's office. Oddly, while I don't remember the abortionist from the first abortion, I do remember this guy. He was a short and somewhat chubby. I don't remember his name. He was either Mexican, Mid Eastern or India Indian. Had somewhat of an accent. Doing some internet searching I think, but not sure, he is someone who has gotten in trouble with the state and a few women have died under his "care." But again, I can't say for certain That it is him. I have no idea how far along I was. Not one stinking clue. I was never even told.
Then the time for the abortion came. It was done at one of the hospitals. Obviously not the above mentioned Catholic hospital. The only thing I really recall is an older lady in the waiting room. She asked what we were there for. I didn't know what to say. My mother "chimed in" and said I was having a D & C. The lady responded that she had that done after having a miscarriage. And that was it.
I don't remember anything after that. I was put on full anesthesia. Out cold. Don't even know if the doctor from the exam was the one who did the procedure or if it was someone else. I do not recall waking up from the procedure. I do not know if they had me rest afterward or for how long. I really don't remember leaving or the car ride back home with my mom. The one and only thing I remember is my mom commenting about the lady in the waiting office; saying that she was being nosy or something like that.
I think I had a day or two of recovery. Maybe more. I don't know. I think my mom went back to work after I got home. I do know that when I went back to work there was some reason I had to grab something from storage. In part of the post abortion instructions I was told I was not to lift heavy objects. Considering that no one knew about the abortion I could not just tell the manager that I wasn't going to grab the item for no reason.
The end, but not really...
It took me forever to even remember the abortions. Though I always knew in the back of my mind, I ignored them. Though they always affected my life in one way or another. The way I lived. The way I reacted around men. The men I chose, or more or less put up with and let choose me.
All the while I lied even to myself after remembering the abortions. I only told myself about the first one. Perhaps it was the differing reactions to finding out about the pregnancies. During the first pregnancy plans were being made for, Anastasia, my first daughter. The second time I never even acknowledged, Hanelore, the child within me. There are even more "blank spots" in this abortion.
Perhaps you may want to start and the beginning and read about the first abortions to know where my story starts and come back when you are finished; My first abortion story.
The following memories are quite fuzzy, possibly more so than those of the first abortion. So, since having the second abortion I moved away from (my hometown) and to (town my mom lived in). I was still seeing "Matt" after the move. I would drive to (his town) see him, or occasionally he would drive to (town) to see me. Of course we were having sexual relations. During one of the visits he saw my belly, it was getting bigger. In fact, I never really even noticed. He asked me if I were pregnant. I denied it, not just to him, but to myself also.
Even if after he pointed it out, I still ignored any thoughts of being pregnant. Then one day while I was at work I went to use the rest room. For some reason when I looked down at my belly I noticed that my tummy was bigger. Then that's when the reality hit that I could be pregnant. So many thoughts came running through all flashing at the speed of light.
I was scared, I recalled everything that went on during the first pregnancy and abortion. "Matt's" reaction and attitude. My mother's attitude and coercion. I really didn't know what to do. I hate to admit it, but I could not envision carrying the pregnancy to term. But I did not like the idea of going through another abortion.
I guess I picked up an at home pregnancy test after work. I don't know. I know sometime soon after I did purchase said test. Maybe it was the next day or during one of my first day off after seeing my large belly. I do remember when seeing the positive results. I know it was quite early in the morning. I was hopelessly frantic. The first thought was abortion, totally unlike the reaction to the first pregnancy.
Very odd, but the first person I called was a professor from college. I should probably back track there. See, even though I was in a relationship with "Matt" I was seeing a professor from the college I was attending. Seeing as in having a bit of a fling. The class I met him in had already finished before anything happened between us. Not that I am excusing anything, just adding the back story.
Gosh, I have no idea how early in the day it was. Just I know it was quite early. I think I woke him up when I called. No "hey, how you doing" I just simply blurted out "I have to have an abortion!". He just said "I can't talk right now." My heart just sank. I felt even more alone than I did before. I didn't even think he could be the father. He had been using condoms during our "trysts." I suppose there could have been a minuscule chance, but I was thinking of Mike being the father. I guess the reason for calling him may have been deep down I wanted him to convince me not to.
Feeling scared, confused and trapped; I looked in the phone book looking under "abortions." I found one ad that said something to the effect of "Pregnant? Feeling scared? Wanting an abortion? Call us." So that's what I did. I called. Some lady answered. I blurted out that I was looking to have an abortion. The lady was really snotty. She said "We don't do abortions!" In a very judgmental tone, and hung up. Not sure which of us hung up first.
I felt even more bad. I thought I could do this on my own without anyone knowing. Now what was I going to do? I was too scared to call anyone after that. I guessed I was going to have to tell my mother.
Looking back, the place I called with the snotty lady was most likely a pregnancy crisis center. Fine, they didn't do abortions. But why couldn't she have tried to talk to me? Ask me questions? Ask why I wanted an abortion? Tried to talk me out of it?
Later in the day Mr. Professor called me. Said he was sorry he wasn't able to talk to me when I called. He was telling me I should have the abortion and that it would probably be best. He told me that he knew others who had abortions. I still wasn't even thinking about the first abortion. It's like I remembered it, but didn't. Looking back, I wonder if he ever wondered if there was a possibility it was his child.
Fast forward to Fourth of July 1996. My family was planning on having a picnic at my grandmother's. My mother and I drove in separate cars. The plan was to meet "Matt" after both of our families had their picnics. I just couldn't face him. I didn't want to. I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to be able to see him. I broke up with him over the phone. He accused me of cheating. I denied it. Yes, I know, Mr. Professor, and all. But he didn't know. There's no way he could know. OK, so there's no excuse.
I just wanted to be alone, away from people. I left my grandmother's. Told my mom I wasn't feeling well. Drove home.
When my mother got home I broke down and told her. I told her I wanted an abortion. She never questioned me or asked if maybe I would want to carry the baby to terms. She asked if I was certain I was pregnant. I told her I was sure and that the pregnancy test had two tests in the kit. Didn't even have to wait the 5 or 10 minutes or however long the instructions said. I could practically see the results show up as I was peeing on the stick.
At some point a doctor's appointment was made. It was confirmed I was pregnant. My mother told the doctor I was for certain going to have an abortion. The insurance and the doctor was connected the Catholic hospital in town. He said because of that he couldn't refer me to an abortionist. Yet, he didn't try to convince me not to have the abortion.
Eventually I was given a vaginal exam at another doctor's office. Oddly, while I don't remember the abortionist from the first abortion, I do remember this guy. He was a short and somewhat chubby. I don't remember his name. He was either Mexican, Mid Eastern or India Indian. Had somewhat of an accent. Doing some internet searching I think, but not sure, he is someone who has gotten in trouble with the state and a few women have died under his "care." But again, I can't say for certain That it is him. I have no idea how far along I was. Not one stinking clue. I was never even told.
Then the time for the abortion came. It was done at one of the hospitals. Obviously not the above mentioned Catholic hospital. The only thing I really recall is an older lady in the waiting room. She asked what we were there for. I didn't know what to say. My mother "chimed in" and said I was having a D & C. The lady responded that she had that done after having a miscarriage. And that was it.
I don't remember anything after that. I was put on full anesthesia. Out cold. Don't even know if the doctor from the exam was the one who did the procedure or if it was someone else. I do not recall waking up from the procedure. I do not know if they had me rest afterward or for how long. I really don't remember leaving or the car ride back home with my mom. The one and only thing I remember is my mom commenting about the lady in the waiting office; saying that she was being nosy or something like that.
I think I had a day or two of recovery. Maybe more. I don't know. I think my mom went back to work after I got home. I do know that when I went back to work there was some reason I had to grab something from storage. In part of the post abortion instructions I was told I was not to lift heavy objects. Considering that no one knew about the abortion I could not just tell the manager that I wasn't going to grab the item for no reason.
The end, but not really...
Friday, February 13, 2015
Additions to Previous Post
I reread the previous post Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) an added more that I originally wanted to say when first published. The following is what I added. If you have not read the full post already, please click the link in the title above.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) EDITED
Below is the edited add ons; with an * in front.
So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet. I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet. But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past. It will not bring my babies back. So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.
Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),
I don't know you. You don't know me. But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance. You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy. You are searching the internet looking for advice. You are unsure what to do. Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption. You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do. Some of them you know personally. Others are just noise in the media. You have no room in your mind to think. Girl, I know. I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella. Rings and wedding plans already made. Perhaps you are in a casual relationship. Maybe you are already married already with or without other children. Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared. Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception. My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion. Saying it is the only way or the best way. You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do. The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue. It's not a person. It is so small that it can't really be a person. Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body? Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now. Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows. They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby. Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him. Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption. Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family.
Maybe you are on the other spectrum. Maybe you do want an abortion. Maybe those around you do support your decision. Maybe they don't. Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization. I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life. So I can't give the best advice that others can give you. But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion. And I do know how the after effects will be. Once it is done there is no turning back. There is no bringing that baby back. Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion. Time does not heal. Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later. To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side. This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of raising the child or releasing to adoption. There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet. I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet. But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past. It will not bring my babies back. So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.
Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),
I don't know you. You don't know me. But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance. You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy. You are searching the internet looking for advice. You are unsure what to do. Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption. You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do. Some of them you know personally. Others are just noise in the media. You have no room in your mind to think. Girl, I know. I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella. Rings and wedding plans already made. Perhaps you are in a casual relationship. Maybe you are already married already with or without other children. Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared. Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception. My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion. Saying it is the only way or the best way. You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do. The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue. It's not a person. It is so small that it can't really be a person. Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body? Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now. Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows. They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby. Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him. Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption. Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family.
Maybe you are on the other spectrum. Maybe you do want an abortion. Maybe those around you do support your decision. Maybe they don't. Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization. I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life. So I can't give the best advice that others can give you. But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion. And I do know how the after effects will be. Once it is done there is no turning back. There is no bringing that baby back. Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion. Time does not heal. Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later. To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side. This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of raising the child or releasing to adoption. There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
A Letter to my Mother
I have been going through some issues lately. My anxiety seems to come and go. Some days I am totally fine. Others I am a total basket case. During the "basket days" I can go from lethargy to anger and back and forth. One thing going on is my relationship with my mother. We have never really been estranged, but more strained. I have tried to open up communications, at first I thought she was understanding, but I feel it is more she waits for me to show vulnerability to attack me while I am wounded. The following is the first letter/email of my "coming out" in regards to the anxiety about the abortions so many years ago. I did not mention my personal abortions, just alluding to them. The letter has been slightly edited to eliminate names and/or locations that would identify me.
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon. I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits. And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet. Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics. And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector. Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix. Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion. If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon. I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits. And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet. Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics. And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector. Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix. Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion. If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
Friday, December 19, 2014
The Yellow Onesie
To read previous posts leading up to this one click the links below.
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
"Matt" Didn't Care
Her Views Turned on a Dime
Damn! That Hurt!
After a few days I returned from my mother's either I called "Matt" or he called me. I did not tell him about the abortion. He came over to my apartment. We talked. He showed me a onesie he bought for our baby, the baby that no longer exists. It was a typical yellow non gender onesie. While much of my memory is fuzzy, this is one of the exact things I remember. I remember exactly the layout of my old apartment. I remember where in the apartment I was sitting. I was sitting on "Matt's" lap and told him I had a "miscarriage." He cried. Or so I thought. It could have been crocodile tears. I am not sure. I do know that I was unable to cry. I just put my head upon his shoulder.
He never asked about any of the details. Then I was glad, because I didn't want to make anything up nor was I ready to tell him the truth. But looking back, I wonder did he suspect? Did he even actually care?
I had a horrible sinking feeling inside. Hurt because of the abortion. Felt bad because of lying to him. Angry because of all that time I was pregnant he never acknowledged that I had a child inside me. And now that she was gone he acknowledges the situation?! Where was he when I was pregnant? Why wasn't he "fighting" for me and our child?
I did have sex with him that night. I have since found out that women are told not to have sex for at least 2 weeks after the abortion. I was never told that. I was given antibiotics and instructions, but not the no having sex part. But unless it wasn't written down for me, if I was only told verbally I probably wasn't paying attention in the state of mind I was in.
"Matt" did find the antibiotics. I told him I had to take those because of the miscarriage. Next day or two he told me his sister told him that the antibiotics are only for abortions. Yeah, after the baby's gone is when he tells any of his family members. I insisted that it was a miscarriage I had. After all, my own mother convinced my that abortion and miscarriage are basically the same thing. Right? We didn't fight or anything. He just dropped the subject.
Then came having to tell my best friend. This is the friend from the Christian school who did the book report about abortion. I called and told her that I was no longer going to get married. And that I had a miscarriage. She didn't press me on details. Just gave me sympathy. I felt worse lying to her than I did to "Matt." Why didn't I say something to her, before the abortion? Maybe she would have been able to help me or find someone who could?
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
What Were Her True Thoughts?
After finishing writing the Her Views Turned on a Dime, in regards to my mother's coercing of the abortion, I figured I needed to write the following before I continue any further. I have a few questions running through my mind.
I am wondering what my mother's true feelings were when she found out I was pregnant. Was she truly supportive of the pregnancy and my choice to keep the baby, at first? Did she want me to have an abortion from the start? Was her "support" a rouse to relax me and gain my trust? Was she talking to "pro-choice" persons as soon as she found out I was pregnant? Was she waiting for the "right timing" to spring forth coercing me into the abortion? Had she been given talking points from Planned Parenthood or another abortion center about how to coerce me? What did they tell her, if so? Did they tell her I may object? And how to counter my objections? If there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time did they tell her? If so, did they tell her how to avoid having me considering contacting them? Did they tell her that I may bring up the suggestion of adoption?
Did they give her all the information in regards to abortion? Yet, tell her to avoid any of the "grisly" details? Or did they give her the "cute little phrases" and tired old tripe talking points? My mother should have known the details. As she had been a hospital nurse before I was born, along with working in a doctor's office after my parents' divorce. My mother wasn't clueless about all the details involved in pregnancy.
Of course women who have been pregnant know the basic details about babies, pregnancy and birth. But she knew the ins and outs details of the biology and terminology from conception to birth. She still had her biology books from nursing school in the early 70's on her book shelf. Along with books with updated info, from the early to mid 80's.
Did she know that complications, needless complications, can result from abortion? Did she know that women still die from "legal" abortions? Did she know that babies get torn to bits while being sucked through the vacuum? Did she know that the abortion vacuum is 29 times more powerful than a household vacuum? Did she know that damage can be done to the body; i.e. cervix, uterus? Did she know that such damage can cause miscarriages in future pregnancies due to weak cervix muscles? Did she know that overall infertility can be caused due to the damage? Did she know that women who have had abortion can have a higher risk of breast cancer? Did she know that women who have had abortions have a higher risk of suicide than any other groups of women? Did she know that many, if not most, women who have aborted babies have regrets, whether soon after or many years down the road? Despite what she told me during the coercion? Did she not know that messing with a pregnant woman's body is damaging and not right, along with being very invasive?
I really would truly like to believe that she really was supportive of me and my child, her grandchild, at the beginning. But it does make one wonder how she could switch views over something as trite as a dumb old unpaid speeding ticket!
I am wondering what my mother's true feelings were when she found out I was pregnant. Was she truly supportive of the pregnancy and my choice to keep the baby, at first? Did she want me to have an abortion from the start? Was her "support" a rouse to relax me and gain my trust? Was she talking to "pro-choice" persons as soon as she found out I was pregnant? Was she waiting for the "right timing" to spring forth coercing me into the abortion? Had she been given talking points from Planned Parenthood or another abortion center about how to coerce me? What did they tell her, if so? Did they tell her I may object? And how to counter my objections? If there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time did they tell her? If so, did they tell her how to avoid having me considering contacting them? Did they tell her that I may bring up the suggestion of adoption?
Did they give her all the information in regards to abortion? Yet, tell her to avoid any of the "grisly" details? Or did they give her the "cute little phrases" and tired old tripe talking points? My mother should have known the details. As she had been a hospital nurse before I was born, along with working in a doctor's office after my parents' divorce. My mother wasn't clueless about all the details involved in pregnancy.
Of course women who have been pregnant know the basic details about babies, pregnancy and birth. But she knew the ins and outs details of the biology and terminology from conception to birth. She still had her biology books from nursing school in the early 70's on her book shelf. Along with books with updated info, from the early to mid 80's.
Did she know that complications, needless complications, can result from abortion? Did she know that women still die from "legal" abortions? Did she know that babies get torn to bits while being sucked through the vacuum? Did she know that the abortion vacuum is 29 times more powerful than a household vacuum? Did she know that damage can be done to the body; i.e. cervix, uterus? Did she know that such damage can cause miscarriages in future pregnancies due to weak cervix muscles? Did she know that overall infertility can be caused due to the damage? Did she know that women who have had abortion can have a higher risk of breast cancer? Did she know that women who have had abortions have a higher risk of suicide than any other groups of women? Did she know that many, if not most, women who have aborted babies have regrets, whether soon after or many years down the road? Despite what she told me during the coercion? Did she not know that messing with a pregnant woman's body is damaging and not right, along with being very invasive?
I really would truly like to believe that she really was supportive of me and my child, her grandchild, at the beginning. But it does make one wonder how she could switch views over something as trite as a dumb old unpaid speeding ticket!
Her Views Turned on a Dime
Continuation of my abortion story starting at I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception and "Matt" Didn't Care
I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion. No, she does not know about the blog. While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.
As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive. Or so I thought. As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound. I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center. I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia. That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl. Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl. To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time. I think we were both a little shell shocked. We had a conversation in the car. I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me. But there was no talk of abortion.
Here again is where my memories are fuzzy. During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town. Possibly twice. During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area. She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process. And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby. She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks." What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move. How my body would change during the preparations. Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.
Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time. One was in regards to him wanting oral sex. While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable. And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique. Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying. Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive. I don't know. She showed compassion. Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant. I don't know how true that is. Hey, Google it! Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby.
As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day. She decided to check my mail. I had received a letter from DMV. My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets. The revoction was for about 30 days. She blew up. Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby? How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me? She told me I was going to have to have an abortion. Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born. I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's. She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion. We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion. I was giving her reasons why not. She was giving reasons why. My grandma and aunt were parroting her. I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family. One was an aunt on her mother's side. The other was one of my aunts, father's sister. And of course how they are just fine now. She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages. How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly. And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly. Or some mumbo jumbo like that. I was in tears, feeling trapped. I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn. She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me. Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born. Really!? Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child? Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild!
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy. And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter. Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating. They were pro-life in their teaching. They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info. I had repeated some of what I had learned. Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there. And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school. I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place. She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective.
I was suggesting adoption. She didn't like that idea. She did not want my child to grow up with another family. Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family. Telling me she could be abused. I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life. She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up. She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born. That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry. Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side. Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script. It wouldn't hurt at all. They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out. It's only a clump of cells. It's only the size of a dime. She wouldn't feel a thing. She wouldn't be harmed. By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along. As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her. But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide." In that short time I was alone with my thoughts. Deep down, I didn't want to do it. But I didn't know what to do. I knew about adoption. I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services. Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic. I had no idea who to call. I didn't know who to turn to for help. Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had. She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes. I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center. Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet. It may be too late for me. But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help. Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time. So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing
In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father. Just a note, they were divorced. She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views. When actually it was the opposite. He was on his third marriage. They were living in another state, with many other states in between. Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships. I had a half brother from this union. Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born. My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born. Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either. Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt." And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption. My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up. True, he wasn't there much for me growing up. But everyone is allowed redemption. Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine! I will have the abortion to make you happy." Her response was "it's not for me. It's for you to decide." What!? If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work. That, that is true choice! But alas, it was never to be.
To be continued...
I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion. No, she does not know about the blog. While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.
As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive. Or so I thought. As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound. I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center. I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia. That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl. Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl. To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time. I think we were both a little shell shocked. We had a conversation in the car. I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me. But there was no talk of abortion.
Here again is where my memories are fuzzy. During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town. Possibly twice. During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area. She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process. And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby. She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks." What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move. How my body would change during the preparations. Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.
Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time. One was in regards to him wanting oral sex. While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable. And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique. Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying. Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive. I don't know. She showed compassion. Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant. I don't know how true that is. Hey, Google it! Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby.
As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day. She decided to check my mail. I had received a letter from DMV. My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets. The revoction was for about 30 days. She blew up. Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby? How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me? She told me I was going to have to have an abortion. Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born. I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's. She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion. We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion. I was giving her reasons why not. She was giving reasons why. My grandma and aunt were parroting her. I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family. One was an aunt on her mother's side. The other was one of my aunts, father's sister. And of course how they are just fine now. She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages. How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly. And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly. Or some mumbo jumbo like that. I was in tears, feeling trapped. I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn. She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me. Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born. Really!? Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child? Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild!
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy. And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter. Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating. They were pro-life in their teaching. They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info. I had repeated some of what I had learned. Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there. And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school. I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place. She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective.
I was suggesting adoption. She didn't like that idea. She did not want my child to grow up with another family. Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family. Telling me she could be abused. I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life. She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up. She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born. That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry. Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side. Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script. It wouldn't hurt at all. They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out. It's only a clump of cells. It's only the size of a dime. She wouldn't feel a thing. She wouldn't be harmed. By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along. As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her. But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide." In that short time I was alone with my thoughts. Deep down, I didn't want to do it. But I didn't know what to do. I knew about adoption. I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services. Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic. I had no idea who to call. I didn't know who to turn to for help. Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had. She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes. I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center. Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet. It may be too late for me. But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help. Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time. So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing
In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father. Just a note, they were divorced. She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views. When actually it was the opposite. He was on his third marriage. They were living in another state, with many other states in between. Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships. I had a half brother from this union. Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born. My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born. Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either. Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt." And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption. My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up. True, he wasn't there much for me growing up. But everyone is allowed redemption. Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine! I will have the abortion to make you happy." Her response was "it's not for me. It's for you to decide." What!? If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work. That, that is true choice! But alas, it was never to be.
To be continued...
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
"Matt" Didn't Care
In continuation from a previous post; I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
After telling "Matt" that I was pregnant he didn't seem to care one way or the other. He said something to the effect of "Well my sister is a nurse. She knows of ways to take care of that." What? I took it to mean doing something at home to cause a miscarriage. I told him NO! Then in a jerky sort of way he said "I was just kidding" and said he would help to take care of the child.
I asked him if he was going to "make an honest woman of me." He said he would. OK, so not quite the romantic proposal little girls dream of, but I thought it meant he would marry me. Big misunderstanding on my part. Like most women who are planning on getting married I bought a bridal magazine. Looked at dresses. Talked to my mom. Was focusing on choosing an empire style gown. My best friend at the time had agreed to stand up with me.
Called the church that I had been baptized at, where my parents were married and where my grandparents were married. One of the closest dates that would have been available on my grandparent's anniversary. The baby would have only been a couple weeks old or a couple weeks before birth for that date. Again, as I had stated previously, my memory is foggy. I am just guestimating according to the rememberances of when I would have become pregnant.
At some point after all this was done, probably just a couple days after telling him, "Matt" saw the magazines on my coffee table. He laughed. Asked what that was all about. I said "we are getting married aren't we?". He said yeah. But maybe when the baby was a couple years old. I was hurt. I had just assumed he meant that he would marry me before the baby was born. Then we got into a fight. Arguing about how the baby would be raised, whether we were going to be living separately while raising the baby.
We did decide we would get married before the baby was born. I know, not quite the way to get started. But he didn't want a big wedding because he had been married before and didn't see the point of having a large wedding. Again, another argument. I didn't want a big huge affair. But I did want the traditional church wedding with the white dress.
I can not recall how long I was pregnant for before the abortion. It could have been only a week, two weeks, or three after finding out I was pregnant. I was about six weeks along when I had the ultrasound. In my mind's memory everything seemed at once a short time and a long time. I do recall my mother and I telling my grandmother and aunt. Spending a few pregnancy days with "Matt." Visiting my mother who lived in another town. I was once at his house while he was talking to his parents on the phone. He told them we were going to get married. On his side of the conversation he said "No, she's not pregnant." There was one day when we went to his sister's house to see his nieces and the puppies their dog had given birth too. He told me not to say anything about being pregnant to anyone.
To be continued...
After telling "Matt" that I was pregnant he didn't seem to care one way or the other. He said something to the effect of "Well my sister is a nurse. She knows of ways to take care of that." What? I took it to mean doing something at home to cause a miscarriage. I told him NO! Then in a jerky sort of way he said "I was just kidding" and said he would help to take care of the child.
I asked him if he was going to "make an honest woman of me." He said he would. OK, so not quite the romantic proposal little girls dream of, but I thought it meant he would marry me. Big misunderstanding on my part. Like most women who are planning on getting married I bought a bridal magazine. Looked at dresses. Talked to my mom. Was focusing on choosing an empire style gown. My best friend at the time had agreed to stand up with me.
Called the church that I had been baptized at, where my parents were married and where my grandparents were married. One of the closest dates that would have been available on my grandparent's anniversary. The baby would have only been a couple weeks old or a couple weeks before birth for that date. Again, as I had stated previously, my memory is foggy. I am just guestimating according to the rememberances of when I would have become pregnant.
At some point after all this was done, probably just a couple days after telling him, "Matt" saw the magazines on my coffee table. He laughed. Asked what that was all about. I said "we are getting married aren't we?". He said yeah. But maybe when the baby was a couple years old. I was hurt. I had just assumed he meant that he would marry me before the baby was born. Then we got into a fight. Arguing about how the baby would be raised, whether we were going to be living separately while raising the baby.
We did decide we would get married before the baby was born. I know, not quite the way to get started. But he didn't want a big wedding because he had been married before and didn't see the point of having a large wedding. Again, another argument. I didn't want a big huge affair. But I did want the traditional church wedding with the white dress.
I can not recall how long I was pregnant for before the abortion. It could have been only a week, two weeks, or three after finding out I was pregnant. I was about six weeks along when I had the ultrasound. In my mind's memory everything seemed at once a short time and a long time. I do recall my mother and I telling my grandmother and aunt. Spending a few pregnancy days with "Matt." Visiting my mother who lived in another town. I was once at his house while he was talking to his parents on the phone. He told them we were going to get married. On his side of the conversation he said "No, she's not pregnant." There was one day when we went to his sister's house to see his nieces and the puppies their dog had given birth too. He told me not to say anything about being pregnant to anyone.
To be continued...
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Things that Make You Go Hmmmm...
I have wanted the first few posts of this here little blog to be of my own personal story, then onto linking to other stories. But then again, not everything is "perfectly planned as we want it to be" ;) . I have been trying to come up with the words to continue my story. I am a follower of many pro-life organizations on FB. One of them being National Right to Life. Just came across one post that links to their main website, that really made me think and feel the need to share now. It is titled 10 amazing things that happen to babies before birth.
Completely shoots down the whole "It's just a clump of cells" or "It's just a blob of tissue" myths. Some of this is just amazing. It is lies that I was told by my own mother when she coerced me to have the abortion done. Such as the "blob" will feel no pain. It has no brain. I will get more into details of the coercion in future postings. In the meantime, check this out;
Anything in italics is my own commentary
1) “On the first day following fertilization, the human embryo is identifiable as a specific individual human being on a molecular level.”
2) A Baby’s Heart Begins to Beat at 21 Days.
Perhaps I had already known that during the coercion, but in the bullying down from family my mind was so confused that I wasn't even thinking that.
3) At 2 to 3 Weeks, a Baby’s Brain is the “First Organ to Appear.”
4) A Baby May Feel Physical Pain as Early as His Fifth Week.
Dear God in heavan! Why!? Why does no one tell you this!? In fact, they tell you just the opposite!
5) A Baby’s Kidneys are Present at Only 5 Weeks.
6) A Baby’s Brainwaves Can be Measured at 6 Weeks Old.
Wow, just wow! All I can say.
7) At 6 Weeks, a Baby Will Move Away if His Mouth is Touched.
8) A Baby’s Ear Can Begin to be Seen Around 6 Weeks.
9) A Baby Has Fingerprints at 9-10 Weeks.
10) A Baby Can Suck Her Thumb and Yawn at 9 1/2 Weeks Old.
This is just the synopsis of the main article. Please click the link above or here for the full article.
Completely shoots down the whole "It's just a clump of cells" or "It's just a blob of tissue" myths. Some of this is just amazing. It is lies that I was told by my own mother when she coerced me to have the abortion done. Such as the "blob" will feel no pain. It has no brain. I will get more into details of the coercion in future postings. In the meantime, check this out;
Anything in italics is my own commentary
1) “On the first day following fertilization, the human embryo is identifiable as a specific individual human being on a molecular level.”
2) A Baby’s Heart Begins to Beat at 21 Days.
Perhaps I had already known that during the coercion, but in the bullying down from family my mind was so confused that I wasn't even thinking that.
3) At 2 to 3 Weeks, a Baby’s Brain is the “First Organ to Appear.”
4) A Baby May Feel Physical Pain as Early as His Fifth Week.
Dear God in heavan! Why!? Why does no one tell you this!? In fact, they tell you just the opposite!
5) A Baby’s Kidneys are Present at Only 5 Weeks.
6) A Baby’s Brainwaves Can be Measured at 6 Weeks Old.
Wow, just wow! All I can say.
7) At 6 Weeks, a Baby Will Move Away if His Mouth is Touched.
8) A Baby’s Ear Can Begin to be Seen Around 6 Weeks.
9) A Baby Has Fingerprints at 9-10 Weeks.
10) A Baby Can Suck Her Thumb and Yawn at 9 1/2 Weeks Old.
This is just the synopsis of the main article. Please click the link above or here for the full article.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
I had been dating "Matt" since November of 1994. We started out as friends. I had only been living on my own for just a couple months before that. Never had any dating experience. I worked with "Matt." Sometimes he would visit me at my apartment, sometimes I would visit at him at his house. He had attempted quite a few times to get me to sleep with him. I rebuffed him at first. It was early January of 1995 when I finally lost my virginity to him.
I am not sure exactly when I would have gotten pregnant, perhaps it was during "my first time." I do recall at some point "Matt" was staying at my apartment, I think it was late January or early February. I woke up to go to the bathroom, he was still asleep. Nothing seriously physical was wrong with me. Yet, I couldn't shake off a strange feeling that something was "off." Not sure what it was exactly. I had wondered if maybe I were pregnant, yet I didn't really have any symptoms. I could feel something physical inside of me that just didn't seem usual.
Then I started getting a little poochy belly and my boobs were growing quite fast. I was then leaning towards the possibility that I may be pregnant. My family noticed my "growing." I just told them that maybe I was eating too much.
I still kept having gnawing thoughts of pregnancy. I kept those thoughts to myself. I had bought a couple at home pregnancy tests. The package said that results are shown after the first missed period. Well I didn't have a missed period. So that was useless. There was a part of me that didn't want to be pregnant, but a part of me would like to have been a mother. I can't quite explain the feeling.
Then one day, for no reason at all, I decided to clean the little apartment and rearrange the furniture. I just wanted a whole new look. That is when I had the very worst period of my entire life! The cramps were horrible. The bleeding was crazy. I was bed ridden for over a week. I had never ever had cramps before. Previously, since age 12, the bleeding was the only sign I was ever having my period.
Things just didn't seem right. I made an appointment with the doctor. I was young, naive and inexperienced. I was scared to tell her that I thought I may be pregnant. I just told her my symptoms, in hopes that she would ask the questions. She never did. Just gave me some pain pills.
Still, something did not seem right. I took another at home pregnancy test. Yep, positive. I do believe I told my mother first. I can't remember for sure if it was or her or "Matt" that I told first, most likely it was her. She was a bit disappointed, but she was willing to support me. She asked about the doctor visit. I told her that the doctor didn't even do or say anything leading toward pregnancy. My mother had called the doctor, and told her about my at home test results. She referred us to an OB/GYN. They confirmed that I was pregnant. An ultra sound was performed. My mother was with me and saw the ultra sound. I saw my little child. "She" was at 6 weeks along.
That is when I told "Matt" I was definitely pregnant. To be continued...
I am not sure exactly when I would have gotten pregnant, perhaps it was during "my first time." I do recall at some point "Matt" was staying at my apartment, I think it was late January or early February. I woke up to go to the bathroom, he was still asleep. Nothing seriously physical was wrong with me. Yet, I couldn't shake off a strange feeling that something was "off." Not sure what it was exactly. I had wondered if maybe I were pregnant, yet I didn't really have any symptoms. I could feel something physical inside of me that just didn't seem usual.
Then I started getting a little poochy belly and my boobs were growing quite fast. I was then leaning towards the possibility that I may be pregnant. My family noticed my "growing." I just told them that maybe I was eating too much.
I still kept having gnawing thoughts of pregnancy. I kept those thoughts to myself. I had bought a couple at home pregnancy tests. The package said that results are shown after the first missed period. Well I didn't have a missed period. So that was useless. There was a part of me that didn't want to be pregnant, but a part of me would like to have been a mother. I can't quite explain the feeling.
Then one day, for no reason at all, I decided to clean the little apartment and rearrange the furniture. I just wanted a whole new look. That is when I had the very worst period of my entire life! The cramps were horrible. The bleeding was crazy. I was bed ridden for over a week. I had never ever had cramps before. Previously, since age 12, the bleeding was the only sign I was ever having my period.
Things just didn't seem right. I made an appointment with the doctor. I was young, naive and inexperienced. I was scared to tell her that I thought I may be pregnant. I just told her my symptoms, in hopes that she would ask the questions. She never did. Just gave me some pain pills.
Still, something did not seem right. I took another at home pregnancy test. Yep, positive. I do believe I told my mother first. I can't remember for sure if it was or her or "Matt" that I told first, most likely it was her. She was a bit disappointed, but she was willing to support me. She asked about the doctor visit. I told her that the doctor didn't even do or say anything leading toward pregnancy. My mother had called the doctor, and told her about my at home test results. She referred us to an OB/GYN. They confirmed that I was pregnant. An ultra sound was performed. My mother was with me and saw the ultra sound. I saw my little child. "She" was at 6 weeks along.
That is when I told "Matt" I was definitely pregnant. To be continued...
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