Princess Sucky? Lady Coerced?

Oh no, liberals and feminists wouldn't like those names! That's not very empowering, nor conforming to the "my body, my choice" false narrative.

Now what am I yammering about?

Yesterday across the internet was talk about a Twitter tweet that stated "We need a disney (sic) princess who's had an abortion, We need a disney (sic) princess who's pro-choice." Originating from Planned Parenthood Keystone of Trexlertown, Pennsylvania. The tweet had been deleted an hour or so after posting.

I had first read of the tweet from an LCMS Life Ministry post on Facebook. The news was rather new at the time. With a few of the comments being "this is fake news," mostly from pro-choicers. One comment gold was "it was deleted because it's fake news" or something to that effect. Yeah, that really makes no sense. The person who was saying this is essentially admitting that the tweet existed. So how is it fake news, if the tweet existed? My head hurts.

So I went on about my day. Then I read an article from The Dailywire, about the deleted tweet. "Oh no, The Dailywire has a conservative bent!" Yes, The Dailywire does lean conservative, but they are probably the most reliable news/editorial site out there. Be it conservative or liberal. 
Then as the evening went on the subject became a trending news item on Facebook. Many well known news sites were writing about it. Those having mostly a liberal bent. Instead of linking to a few, I shall link to search results; https://www.bing.com/search?q=disney+princess+planned+parenthood+tweet+&qs=n&form=QBRE&sp=-1&pq=disney+princess+planned+parenthood+tweet+&sc=0-41&sk=&cvid=10B0F9F7F25E408B93AFE217BCFF9643

OK, so I don't have any small children. So why do I even care? Eh, I'm not completely sure. 
Perhaps it could be the whole screeching of "Fake news!" from those who don't like being confronted with the truth of what their "side" is doing. Actually, I have a future post on that running through my puny little head. Be warned ain't nobody gonna be safe! 
Perhaps there could be the aspect of being sad that there are people out there wanting to impress their agendas upon children, the future of our country and world. If there is any time in history where children should have their innocence preserved, it is now. 
When I was young enough to be interested in Disney cartoons most of them were replays from my mother's childhood, being shown at movie theaters. I never took them serious. It was just fantasy. I liked the pretty dresses. I did question "how did they 'live happily ever after'?" 
Personally, I preferred the original Grimm's Fairytales, that Disney took and sugar coated. Tragic endings, sometimes. But there were moral tales, without it being filled with agendas.

Does He Even Remember Me?

That's a question I asked myself last night while trying to sleep.

I sometimes have dreams about getting back together with "Matt." Many times it comes to fruition. But then he disappears. Or one of us we will try to contact each other, yet missing a connection. We are never parents in any of the dreams. I never really gave much thought to any of these dreams, other than wonder where that came from after waking up.

Until last night. I was thinking about him. Thought about the good times and the bad times. And yes, there were good times. But does he remember any of them? Does he remember the woman he dated for a year and a half? Does he remember the woman whom he impregnated? Does he ever wonder if the child really was lost to miscarriage? Did he ever wonder if she was pregnant before breaking up with him? If he thought yes, did he wonder what happened to that child?

Does he even remember her name? Does he remember what she looks like? Does he remember that he was her first...everything?
I remember the first time he kissed me. I giggled. It was nothing against him. I wasn't laughing at him. I was almost twenty years old, and had never been kissed! Heck, I had never even dated anyone! It was a nervous reaction. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to say it back. He was rather offended by that. I wasn't sure if I did love him. I didn't know what love is. Perhaps I still don't. I did end up reciprocating the sentiment. But did I mean it? Did he mean it? I don't know. Perhaps, on both accounts.
I remember the first time he tried to have sex with me. I remember being swept away and taken in. Almost relenting. Then pulling back. I remember the first time of surrendering to him. The details of which would not be appropriate to speak of.

During the breakdown of 2014 I did check on Facebook to see if he had a profile set up. Not really that I wanted to reconnect, just checking to see if he was on there. What would I even say to him? Why would I tell him that I was contacting him after all this time? At that time he was in a relationship. He may or may not still be.

I have since found out that he now has a son. Doing the math, that son is less than a year younger than what Hanelore would be. Because I don't know the exact mathematics of that boy's birth month or even when Hanelore's due date would have been; I am not sure if "Matt" impregnated another woman towards the end of our relationship or soon after my breaking up with him.
There is a bit of hurt in that. Whether he was cheating on me or started a relationship soon after the break up. I can't help but wonder what was so special about the mother of his son that she was "allowed to" give birth to his child, but I wasn't. Did she have support from "Matt"? Did she have support from her family? Or was she stronger than me and stood up to them all? Is she the woman "Matt" is in a relationship with, or was recently? Does "Matt" look at his son and think that the son may or may not have a sister? Does he regret his non committal attitude toward my pregnancy with Anastasia? 

My Name is Kathy, I Live in Michigan

In May I was considering coming out of the closet, the abortion closet that is.  I was contemplating letting friends and family know I have had two abortions.  With much fear, I came out.  Is it freeing?  Perhaps.  But maybe not.  What made me finally decide to do it?  Issues with my mother.

How did I do it?  Due to issues with my mother I was texting with an out of state friend.  I was feeling stressed.  I decided right then and there the truth needed to be told.  I wanted to shout it out on Facebook.  I needed to shout it out somewhere.  I felt like I was going to burst!  Problem was, my internet access was down at the time.  After much prayerful thought I gave my friend the go ahead to post to my wall.  It was scary.  I did not know if I was doing the right thing or not.  All I could do was trust in God.  Many of my friends are pro-life.  I even have a few family members on Facebook.  I was afraid they may think of me as a bad person - not for having the abortion - but for letting out the secret.  Even though they did not know at the time.  I was afraid they would tell my mother.  And my mother would get upset at me, for revealing the secret sin.  I did receive support in comments.  The friend who posted was kind enough to share said comments. 

Why am I not so sure if it is freeing?  As I said above, there is that fear of what people would think.  I was afraid of loosing friends on Facebook.  But at the same time if they are going to stop being friends because of a past abortion sin then they were probably never friends.  In some ways I do want to lose friends.  I feel I don't deserve friends.  I feel I deserve to be left alone. 

Why did I do it?  It needs to be done.  The pro-abortion side is going into overdrive with their agenda.  Using TV and popular culture to make abortion look cool and normal.  Attacking pro-life movements outright.  Also, I felt stifled in my talking about pro-life issues.  I would start to talk about something and then feel like I would need to hold back.  I was afraid of others wondering how I would know anything about what it is really like for a post abortive woman.  I was afraid of them knowing I was post abortive.  When reading comments to posts from pro-life pages on social media I would see nasty judgmental comments.  I would want to respond.  I would overthink on how to reply and try to sound as impersonal as possible.  One of the many specifics I have wanted to talk about is how I think the "doctor" from the second abortion is somewhat a Kermit Gosnell of Michigan.  I want to be able to share the pro-life books I have read, here on this blog and on Facebook, without anyone getting suspicious.  If everyone knows who I am, there is no reason to fear.  And not having fear is how I can tackle the pro-abortion side.

Coming Out of the Pro-Life Closet

I am torn.  In the post "Do You Know Me?" I had mentioned that a friend expressed an interest in posting some of my posts/about my blog at their church's Facebook page.  I am somewhat leaning that way.  But still not ready to do that, yet.  They would not reveal me as the writer.  But I am still apprehensive about being "recognized."  I would like to think that if anyone were to realize it was written by me they would not judge or think less of me.  And hopefully they would not ask me about it, nor ask the friend if it is me.

Even though there have been times I have considered posting a new post to my Facebook I don't think I am able to do that.  I would still post as though it were just something I came across online.  Which wouldn't be too far off.  As I do post about pro-life issues.  Yet my friends, and family too would wonder why not only I was posting a story about "a woman who has had abortions" but that the whole blog was the telling of the "woman who has had the abortions" from her own view.

I have one friend who is not only adamantly pro-life, but can also be harsh towards women who have had abortions.  This person once posted to Facebook an article about Norma McCorvey, "Jane Roe" from the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court case.  They called her a b&**% and said that "she should rot in hell."  Funny thing is, that the article they posted was from a pro-life website where she was talking about revealing her connection to Roe v. Wade, how she is now pro-life and her activism to stopping abortion.  Did "FB Friend" even read the article or watch the accompanying video?
Of course I could block this person from seeing any of the posts.  But I still, how would others react?  I know I have other pro-life friends.  And they have posted pro-life related items.  While their reactions are not quite as extreme as above described person, they have expressed a dislike for women having abortions and not understanding how someone could have abortions.   Although, they have not alluded to a dislike for the women themselves.  But I do wonder what is in their hearts?

I did talk today with the friend who is the administrator of their church's Facebook page about possibly revealing the blog, but not my "real name."  They said it would be up to me and would not do anything without me expressly giving the go ahead.  This is something I would have to think long and hard about and DEFINITELY pray over before I made a decision.  Once I go forward, I can't go back.  Plus, I would not want to put them in the compromising situation of having to answer any questions should someone ask "about the author of "Abortions Sucks!".

Do You Know Me?

This is a post I have been having bopping about in my head for a few days.  It could have a few multiple connections to it.  Then in an email exchange my dummy self told my mother about this blog, just not the title or link.  But more about that later.

I try to stay as anonymous online as possible in regards to the abortions.  When writing I try to be as basic as possible while trying to avoid anyone recognizing me.  I make sure that no one knows where I live or where the abortions took place.  I avoid using names in any way.  There are only a rare few couple of persons who know me and this blog, simultaneously.  Telling others of my abortions is something I am unable to do.  Though I am able to speak of it and my thoughts "behind the safety of a computer."
A friend who is the administrator to their church's Facebook page expresses an interest in linking my blog to one of the page's postings.  The selfLESS side of me would allow it,if it would help someone who has had an abortion, those wondering about the life of a post-abortion person and/or someone in a crisis pregnancy.  The selfISH side of me knows that many of my friends read that page.  While I do try to be as careful as possible not to be recognized, I am still afraid that there may be that one minute thing that a friend could pick up on.
I am many persons to many people.  Those who know of my Anastasia and Hanelore account don't know my personal likes and dislikes or basic bio info.  I have a Facebook account on my real name.  Those people know my likes and dislikes along with basic bio info.  And even though they know I am pro-life and post about pro-life news and issues, they do not know about my abortions.  
Sometimes I wonder if my family, friends and co-workers even know me.

Even as myself, I feel as though others don't really know me.  In this fast paced world, we as a society don't take the time to know others.  All we want to do is make small talk with others.  We judge others.  We make up stories about others.  It's easier than to talk and listen to those who are hurting.

We see so many people around us.  Perhaps they seem fine, perhaps not.  Abortion is legal.  Yet there is shame with it.  No one wants to admit to having one.  Maybe it is because deep down, legal or not, our consciousnesses tell us and know it is a sin.
Perhaps the girl standing behind you at the grocery store has had an abortion.  What about the checkout girl at the grocery store you see once or twice a week during your shopping.  You talk to her about her cats, her home, her kids, her spouse, her parents, etc.  But you don't know the pain she may be hiding.  I am in no way advocating that you ask her about her personal details.  Just saying that many people are hiding hurts that many of us could not imagine.

It is not just about abortion either.  Some of it could be sins that the person was directly involved in.  Maybe it was something beyond their control that the sin was committed against them.  Somebody told them they were in the wrong and they feel guilt for no reason.

One of the things that bugs me is middle age men who say to women, "Why don't you smile?".  And yes, it is almost always middle age men that do that.  But not all middle age men do that.  I mean, REALLY?!  They don't even know me!  Be they customers from my job, someone in line at the store, someone from church that I don't even have regular conversations with, or what have you.  I always want to ask, "do you know me?".
That's the thing with modern society.  Everyone is expected to smile, smile, smile!  For no reason.  It would be one thing for someone to walk around with a constant frown.  Even then still, if you don't know the person, leave them alone.  There life is none of your business!  Can't people just have a neutral look on their face without someone bothering them?

Playing with Spiders and Snakes!

Spiders and snakes are gross, icky and scary!  Am I right?  Why in the heck am I writing about spiders and snakes on a pro-life post abortive blog?  Doesn't make sense does it?

Here is how it makes sense.  Being post abortive means I need to come to terms with the events of both abortions.  This is a scary leap.  I have been reading Kindle e-books written by women who have had abortions.  Ah, technology.  Purchase it online and receive on your mobile device faster than a meal from McDs.  Following pro-life pages on Facebook.  Reading pro-life blogs, websites and news.  Watching YouTube videos.  And of course, following Twitter.

So here I am reading my Twitter newsfeed.  Seeing gruesome stories about abortion.  Reading about unethical "doctors" being caught doing bad stuff to patients victims and/or having unsanitary clinics.  Seeing pictures of abortion "procedures" and post abortive babies.  These pictures are gross.

So why am I doing this?  Why would I subject myself to such sights?  It is almost like staring at a car wreck.  You know you shouldn't look.  You don't want to look.  But you do.  I believe this is part of my healing process.  For so long the memories didn't seem real.  This makes it real.  As painful as it may be, it needs to be made real and confronted.  I have heard that people with phobias need to be confronted directly with their fears.  Whatever they are afraid of they need to touch it, see it, hear it, or be near it.  Confronting the abortion issue is to me what handling icky things like spiders and snakes are to those with phobias.