I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
I had been dating "Matt" since November of 1994. We started out as friends. I had only been living on my own for just a couple months before that. Never had any dating experience. I worked with "Matt." Sometimes he would visit me at my apartment, sometimes I would visit at him at his house. He had attempted quite a few times to get me to sleep with him. I rebuffed him at first. It was early January of 1995 when I finally lost my virginity to him.
[...]
After telling "Matt" that I was pregnant he didn't seem to care one way
or the other. He said something to the effect of "Well my sister is a
nurse. She knows of ways to take care of that." What? I took it to
mean doing something at home to cause a miscarriage. I told him NO!
Then in a jerky sort of way he said "I was just kidding" and said he
would help to take care of the child.
[...]
[...]
As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but
seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive. Or so I
thought. As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra
sound. I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center. I
do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia.
That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl. Years
later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl. To recap, I was 6
weeks along at the time. I think we were both a little shell shocked.
We had a conversation in the car. I can't recall all what it was about,
mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me. But
there was no talk of abortion.
[...]
After relenting to the having the abortion done my mother came to pick me up to take me to the town she was living in. See Her Views Turned on a Dime
for more on my mother's change of heart in regards to my pregnancy. I
do not remember much about the ride to her apartment. I do recall her
"reassuring talk" about the daughter of one of her friends from work who
had an abortion. When I asked my mother "what if this is the only
chance I could have a baby" she responded with telling me about the
girl's abortion. She had said that when the girl's sister was pregnant
she told her mother, my mother's work friend, that the baby she was
carrying could be "the spirit of her sister's aborted baby." I have
recently been seeing this whole "spirit of the aborted baby come back in
a new baby" sort of thing in a few "words of comfort" stories. I don't
think I actually bought it then, and I sure as hell don't buy it now!
But at that time, I was grabbing at straws and trying to believe
anything while nothing seemed believable. She also told me that I would have plenty of chances to have more
children and would be married and settle down. How did she know that?
Did she really believe what she was saying? The future is no guarantee.
[...]
After a few days I returned from my mother's either I called "Matt" or
he called me. I did not tell him about the abortion. He came over to
my apartment. We talked. He showed me a onesie he bought for our baby,
the baby that no longer exists. It was a typical yellow non gender
onesie. While much of my memory is fuzzy, this is one of the exact
things I remember. I remember exactly the layout of my old apartment. I
remember where in the apartment I was sitting. I was sitting on
"Matt's" lap and told him I had a "miscarriage." He cried. Or so I
thought. It could have been crocodile tears. I am not sure. I do know
that I was unable to cry. I just put my head upon his shoulder.
He never asked about any of the details. Then I was glad, because I didn't want to make anything up nor was I ready to tell him the truth. But looking back, I wonder did he suspect? Did he even actually care?
He never asked about any of the details. Then I was glad, because I didn't want to make anything up nor was I ready to tell him the truth. But looking back, I wonder did he suspect? Did he even actually care?
[...]
No comments:
Post a Comment