Grandma is Going to be a Great Grandma

No, no, no, I am not pregnant! Goodness, no! I have proudly been a celibate asexual for over ten years. So ain't happening here.

My cousin's wife is pregnant. Making my grandma a great grandmother twenty three years after she was supposed to be the first time. I just found out a few days ago. I think everyone was afraid to tell me. My mother was the one who told me.

At first I was fine with it, perhaps a little numb. But now that the gravity of it all has hit I am feeling a little weirded out. Maybe a lot weirded. I don't know. Spending the day in bed. Perhaps eat comfort food. Read Bible and pray. Watch a movie.
I wish no ill will toward my cousin or his wife, and especially not toward the baby. I am actually happy for them. In fact, I am praying for a healthy pregnancy, a healthy birth and a healthy childhood for the baby.

I am feeling rather conflicted that my grandmother could easily be a great great grandmother already. Considering that Anastasia would now be twenty-two. Yet the situation will be viewed as her being a great grandmother for the first time. Both inside the immediate family, and in the extended family. The great granddaughter she rejected is tossed aside, not even a memory.

I guess she is happy about my cousin's baby. I don't know. She didn't even tell me about it. A part of me wants her to not be happy. I want her to recall the great granddaughter she rejected twenty three years ago. And feel severe pangs of guilt. I want her to understand the pain that it caused.

I know this is wrong. In fact I claimed to have forgiven her about half a year ago. Was the forgiveness a lie? Can I really have forgiven her yet still hurt? And want her to hurt? Am I a bad person for such feelings?

I'm Mad at God!

Well, not really. Well, yes, maybe. I don't know.

I am coming up over a cold that had me bed ridden for a while, other than going to work. But not only that, it is around about the time my first child (Anastasia) would have been conceived twenty years ago. Funny thing about when you are sick in bed; not much you can do except sleep, read, watch online movies, and think. The thinking is what can sometimes knock you down. Heck, even the sleeping, if you are notorious for weird dreams. Which I am.

Been having buttload of baby and young child dreams. Nothing I can really remember much of. Sometimes it can just be simply giving birth. Having the baby in my life, yet being kept at arms lengths from being able to hold her. An older child being introduced to her new sibling. Being at an airport or some sort of transportation center; handing children over to some random woman and saying goodbye.

OK. That being said; let's get to the title of this post. The phrase "hindsight is 20/20" seems to be fitting for my current situation. When I have been awake I am just mopey. Hard to clean house, fix a meal, or do any regular household chores. Just sit and stare. While not technically a thing, I would call it "conception mourning." I already Googled to see if the description existed. Nope. I guess there is a rock band by that name, or a song.
I have read that women who have had abortions will mourn many anniversaries surrounding the abortion(s). One of those times could be in regard to the time the child was conceived. Probably true for women who have experienced miscarriages.
Looking back, that could be consciously or sub-consciously. In my case, I think it is leaning more towards the sub-contentiously. January has always been a sucky month for me. Never knew why. Always attributed to coming down from the holidays. Which could easily be true. But not the complete picture.
It was about this time three years ago, in 2014, in which I had my first break down. I felt like absolute crap! Yet I didn't know why. Oh, this has got to be a whole separate post as to when my break down and memories started. I will get to that soon. Hopefully sooner than later.

In the looking back, I feel as though I am mad at God. Where was He during the "family intervention"? Why didn't He give me the words to convince my family that abortion was wrong? Why didn't He smite my family; mom, aunt, grandmother? OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. Why didn't He at least temporarily incapacitate them, to give me time to get away from them? I could have run off and hid until I could find something resembling a nineties version of a crisis pregnancy center. Where was He the night before the abortion? Where was He when I walked into that clinic? Where was He just before the abortion happened? Where was He afterward?
Actually, come to think of it, where was God when I first met "Matt"? Where was He when"Matt" was first trying to seduce me? Where was He the night I finally did relent?

As has been stated in the post about the abortion itself, I came to a "conclusion" "that there is no God." But the reality is; I rejected God before the abortion. Sure, I had been baptized as a toddler. Sure, my mother occasionally took me to Sunday school, sometimes keeping me with her during church services. Sure, I did attend church during high school. Even belonging to the teen club at church and joining the teen choir. Of course calling myself a Christian. But I didn't really have much of a prayer life, nor attended church after graduating high school.
So, basically I didn't turn to Him during any of the moments leading up to the abortion. Didn't pray for the relationship between "Matt" and myself. Didn't pray about my child after I became pregnant. Don't remember much about what I was doing or thinking in the time between the "intervention" and the abortion. But I do know I didn't pray about it.

So in the end, it is myself I am mad at me. Not God.

(Since the time of the abortion I have since came back to church. It has been a journey. Becoming a member of a denomination different than that which I grew up. Joining a church of another denomination, once again. But this time I am sticking to it to the end. Have a much stronger prayer life. Perhaps I will talk about that at a later time.)

I was Once Pro-Choice...

The following will be rather disjointed and slightly out of order...

Pro-Choice. What does that even mean? I suppose it could mean anything to any people. So many labels. Pro-Choice. Pro-Life. Pro-Abortion. Anti-Life. Anti-Abortion. Some of these labels are self identified, by individuals and organizations. Some of these labels are thrown onto "the enemy," by individuals, organizations, media and pundits. So much of "don't call me this, call me that," "that label sounds cruel and heartless," "this label sounds more kinder."

That being said; let's focus mainly on the Pro-Choice label. Seems to have gone through many definitions since my abortion in 1995. Mainly, I have thought of it as someone who doesn't "personally support abortion, but supports other women's 'right' to abort." Of course there are others, from both "sides," who could explain the definition better.

I had always considered myself Pro-Life; since high school, at the time of my pregnancy with Anastasia, and even after the abortion. Ironic, huh? Yeah, I was Pro-Life, yet I couldn't even keep my own child, my flesh and blood, alive.

I recall sometime after the second abortion watching some sort of docudrama about Margaret Sanger, founder of Planned Parenthood, on Lifetime Television. You know, the network for women, about women, by women; or something like that. Actress Dana Delaney played the so-called "heroine." Off topic, but they did quite a good casting. They do resemble each other quite well.
Back to the subject at hand. While watching the movie the "big bad lawmakers," media, society, and law enforcement was being meany-weany to her. She was talking to doctors and "medical experts." Doing "research." Making housecalls to women who were doing the supposed coat hanger abortions on themselves at home. Oh I was sitting in front of the TV just rooting her on.

That's not even the worst. I was going through a cruel period in my life. I recall watching Maury or Sally Jesse, this was the big age of talk shows in the mid 90's. The show was girlfriends and ex-girlfriends revealing big major secrets. Believe it or not, I had the cruel fantasy of someday I would go on the show and reveal both abortions to "Matt." LORD forgive me!

Then, at some point I went through a black out period in regards to the abortions. Totally forgetting about them. Didn't think about them at all. Yet still, I considered myself Pro-Life.

Fast forward a decade or so. I started getting involved politically. I identified as a Republican. Got involved with political meetings. Did some volunteering for a few campaigns. Went to conventions and such.
Did quite a bit of conservative blogging. No, I will not reveal the old blog. It has been taken down, no more to be written there. One of the Republican and conservative issues is the Pro-Life cause, more or less. Again, remember, I was thinking myself Pro-Life. Yet in a few of my posts I was lamenting "why is everyone so obsessed with abortion."
It is rather hard to explain, but I had forgotten my abortions yet simultaneously remembering I had had abortions. My attitude toward those talking about Pro-Life was "stop obsessing," "yeah, abortion is bad," "but it's going to happen anyways," "it's been going on since just about the beginning of time," "focus on the economy."
I still believe there is a correlation between economy and abortion. But both need to be focused on. Believe it or not, I still considered myself Pro-Life. I don't even know if I supported making abortion illegal at the time.

In conclusion, many of those on the Pro-Life end of things say that if one does not believe in making abortion illegal and is whole heartedly against abortion for all then really you are Pro-Choice or Pro-Abortion. Basically, I have come to believe that yes I was once Pro-Choice.
I am now wholly and fully Pro-Life. I would like to talk more about how I came about that view. But I need to fill in a few gaps. It would have to include the beginning of my breakdown. That was not a one time thing. It was a slow process leading up. I am not sure I am ready for that. Perhaps I am. But it would take some sit down time to think and pray for the right words.

Coming Out of the Pro-Life Closet

I am torn.  In the post "Do You Know Me?" I had mentioned that a friend expressed an interest in posting some of my posts/about my blog at their church's Facebook page.  I am somewhat leaning that way.  But still not ready to do that, yet.  They would not reveal me as the writer.  But I am still apprehensive about being "recognized."  I would like to think that if anyone were to realize it was written by me they would not judge or think less of me.  And hopefully they would not ask me about it, nor ask the friend if it is me.

Even though there have been times I have considered posting a new post to my Facebook I don't think I am able to do that.  I would still post as though it were just something I came across online.  Which wouldn't be too far off.  As I do post about pro-life issues.  Yet my friends, and family too would wonder why not only I was posting a story about "a woman who has had abortions" but that the whole blog was the telling of the "woman who has had the abortions" from her own view.

I have one friend who is not only adamantly pro-life, but can also be harsh towards women who have had abortions.  This person once posted to Facebook an article about Norma McCorvey, "Jane Roe" from the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court case.  They called her a b&**% and said that "she should rot in hell."  Funny thing is, that the article they posted was from a pro-life website where she was talking about revealing her connection to Roe v. Wade, how she is now pro-life and her activism to stopping abortion.  Did "FB Friend" even read the article or watch the accompanying video?
Of course I could block this person from seeing any of the posts.  But I still, how would others react?  I know I have other pro-life friends.  And they have posted pro-life related items.  While their reactions are not quite as extreme as above described person, they have expressed a dislike for women having abortions and not understanding how someone could have abortions.   Although, they have not alluded to a dislike for the women themselves.  But I do wonder what is in their hearts?

I did talk today with the friend who is the administrator of their church's Facebook page about possibly revealing the blog, but not my "real name."  They said it would be up to me and would not do anything without me expressly giving the go ahead.  This is something I would have to think long and hard about and DEFINITELY pray over before I made a decision.  Once I go forward, I can't go back.  Plus, I would not want to put them in the compromising situation of having to answer any questions should someone ask "about the author of "Abortions Sucks!".