Ready to Forgive my Grandmother

"Forgive and forget" or "Forgive, but you don't have to forget." Oh that's easy for *you* (You as in society in general) to say. Maybe it's not. Have *you* taken your own advice? Has someone told you those words, after someone else hurt you and/or you learned new information about a situation that changed everything as you thought you knew it? Did *you* make a snap decision to forgive immediately? Or are *you* using your hearer as a social guinea pig, of sorts? Perhaps *you* want to see whether or not the hearer will forgive the other person. Maybe *you* are "timing" them. To see how long it will take for them to forgive. Then you can validate your own slothfulness.

Now let's get to the subject. Early last year I learned, from my mother, that the abortion was my grandma's idea. You can read about it here and here. Perhaps I said some things that were a bit cruel and crossed a line. At the time I was in a fog. It all seemed like a dream. A dream where you know the characters and think you know the story while simultaneously not knowing the story.

The wounds have now been healed. I am in different place. My state of mind is changed.

Since the flashbacks started and I was searching for information, through online articles and books,to help understand what was going on forgiveness was one the focuses. At the time of reading, I didn't know the extent of my grandma's involvement. So it never even crossed my mind to forgive her.

A few things happened, before and after, since learning the information about my grandma. Soon after the breakdown I had confessed and received absolution from a (denomination redacted) pastor, in regards to the sin of the abortions; and a few related things. That should go into a post all of its own. Then at some point I was able to forgive myself for the abortions.
My grandmother is the oldest daughter of six children. Two of her siblings passed away many years ago. Recently she lost her oldest brother and a sister. Both within a couple months. Her and one sister are the only two remaining "children" of her parents. She is over ninety years old. Our family is dying out. There are many carrying out future generations on her brothers' side. There aren't many of us able to carry out future generations on the sisters' side.

With this I am realizing my grandma probably won't be with the family much longer. Maybe a few more years left for her. A decade, tops. Having been forgiven from God, of this and many other sins, I should also extend forgiveness towards her. But how do I do this? I have already told my mother that I am at this stage in my healing. Should I just forgive in my heart? Let her know? How I would I go about that when she hasn't asked forgiveness? Obviously I can't tell her over the phone. When seeing next do I bring it up casually "Grandma, I forgive you in your role in the abortion. Pass the peas."

The books and articles never said it would be easy. The authors, who have been in the same situation and/or talked with those who have, admit to that. It takes prayer and contemplation. It must be worked out with time. For some it takes longer than others.

The Crying Child Within

There's a perpetual child within me. She cries. Not all the time. But she's crying now. Why is there a child in me? Why is she crying? I want to let her out. Yet, I want to keep her within me.

It's been three years since my breakdown of January 2014. I am not sure where to start. As the breadown did not just happen at once out of the blue. But rather gradually, until it just blew.

While I do try to avoid mentioning identifiers about myself. I think I need to mention that I used to do seamstress work from out of my home. I think that may be a good place to start.

I had left my full time job to do sewing and alterations work from home. I had been doing that during my off time from work. Business had been picking up, before quitting the regular job. There were a few lulls and pick ups.
Sometimes the lulls would be quite long. Being short on money and not knowing where my next meal was coming from could cause little breakdowns themselves. When I had the good pick ups and would be paid well it would be a balancing act between purchasing quality supplies for future projects and food.

My specialty was alterations on bridal and formal. Though I did work on most any type of sewing; from lightweight simple repairs to heavy-duty heavyweight fabrics.
The formal work was the best. I thoroughly enjoyed working with the clients, their friends and mothers.

Yet, I think the connections with the clients may have been the lead in to my break down. Ever since the abortions, in certain ways, I was perpetually young. On a subconscious way I didn't see myself aging into someone old enough to have a teen child.
Yet it was while I would be having conversations with the mothers. We would talking about basic news, local issues, politics, music from when we were younger, how things were different when we were kids and teens. Then it hit me, I was older than I felt.

It still took a while to make the connection that not only was I old enough to have children who were teenagers. I was supposed to have teenage children! I can pinpoint the moment it dawned on me that I should have teenage girls. There I was standing at the kitchen sink. Washing dishes.
All of a sudden I found myself saying something to the effect of "my child is going to college." Where did that come from? Can't remember if I said it aloud, mumbled under my breath, moved my lips without vocalization, or just a strong thought. But there it was. Not only was I talking to myself, I was talking nonsense that wasn't even relevant to my life! Then I said, "my daughter is getting ready for prom." Still didn't click yet, in regards to my past.

This would have been about January of 2014. I ended up catching a cold or the flu. Or something. Decided to rest up on the sofa. Even after coming over the sickness, I still just couldn't do anything. If I got the snow shoveled, I was good for the day. Didn't even have the desire to do any sewing.
Fortunately I didn't have any customer projects that needed done. Oddly, before this time I would be all excited to take a call for a new project. Not anymore. When the phone would ring I would avoid answering and letting it go straight to voicemail. Figuring I would listen to the message later. Couldn't feel up to that. I did not want to deal with people.

There was this feeling I couldn't explain. I felt as though I were trapped within myself. I wanted to jump out of my body and run far away from myself. Yet, I wanted to hide farther within myself. I felt as though I was crying within myself. While no physical tears were released. It was as if there was a small child within me crying.

Then, it was while laying on the sofa, for some reason I decided to Google D&C abortions. Not sure what compelled me to do that. That, that, that is the moment EVERYTHING finally clicked! No, this was not a happy moment. Not at all. D&C was the type of procedure for the second abortion.
All the memories kept flooding back. It all came full circle. I remembered the abortions. It still did not feel like a memory of something that happened to me. More in the vein of being outside of myself. Remembering that it happened to a young twenty something woman I once knew.

I began to search for as much information about abortion as I could. Still can't say why. I knew I needed help and healing. But where to look? I knew about pro-life organizations that want to end abortion. Was using all kinds of search words. In my searching I did find a few sites for healing. Some were of words of encouragement. Some gave words of help to healing. There were even a few organizations that helped directly, such as Rachel's Vineyard. Some where one could write and/or call to talk with someone.
I was not ready to take that step. What would I say? How would I even begin?

This is not the end...

Coming Out of the Pro-Life Closet

I am torn.  In the post "Do You Know Me?" I had mentioned that a friend expressed an interest in posting some of my posts/about my blog at their church's Facebook page.  I am somewhat leaning that way.  But still not ready to do that, yet.  They would not reveal me as the writer.  But I am still apprehensive about being "recognized."  I would like to think that if anyone were to realize it was written by me they would not judge or think less of me.  And hopefully they would not ask me about it, nor ask the friend if it is me.

Even though there have been times I have considered posting a new post to my Facebook I don't think I am able to do that.  I would still post as though it were just something I came across online.  Which wouldn't be too far off.  As I do post about pro-life issues.  Yet my friends, and family too would wonder why not only I was posting a story about "a woman who has had abortions" but that the whole blog was the telling of the "woman who has had the abortions" from her own view.

I have one friend who is not only adamantly pro-life, but can also be harsh towards women who have had abortions.  This person once posted to Facebook an article about Norma McCorvey, "Jane Roe" from the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court case.  They called her a b&**% and said that "she should rot in hell."  Funny thing is, that the article they posted was from a pro-life website where she was talking about revealing her connection to Roe v. Wade, how she is now pro-life and her activism to stopping abortion.  Did "FB Friend" even read the article or watch the accompanying video?
Of course I could block this person from seeing any of the posts.  But I still, how would others react?  I know I have other pro-life friends.  And they have posted pro-life related items.  While their reactions are not quite as extreme as above described person, they have expressed a dislike for women having abortions and not understanding how someone could have abortions.   Although, they have not alluded to a dislike for the women themselves.  But I do wonder what is in their hearts?

I did talk today with the friend who is the administrator of their church's Facebook page about possibly revealing the blog, but not my "real name."  They said it would be up to me and would not do anything without me expressly giving the go ahead.  This is something I would have to think long and hard about and DEFINITELY pray over before I made a decision.  Once I go forward, I can't go back.  Plus, I would not want to put them in the compromising situation of having to answer any questions should someone ask "about the author of "Abortions Sucks!".

Why do I write?

That, that I am not sure. Well, maybe I am.  I don't know.  Yesterday I finished up with the story of My Second Abortion.  It was the hardest thing ever for me to write.  Had it not been for the experience at the Rachel's Vineyard Retreat; I do not think I would have had the courage to write it.
Whenever I write out a post I share to my Twitter feed.  Now why do I do that?  Am I doing this because I want to be some "internet star"?  Ah, not really.  Of course I must admit that anyone online with their own websites and/or blogs want a readership following.  But I am not doing this for my own adulation.  I want for a conversation.  I want to bring to light what life is like for those after abortion.  I hope and pray for my expressions to help hurting souls who may have had an involvement in abortion some way; or maybe those who are contemplating abortion.  I pray for my writings to change the hearts and souls of those who are so called pro-choice.
There are multiple pro-life websites and blogs out there.  All with differing styles and purposes.  Some goals are to bring to light the atrocities of the actual abortion process, expose those in the abortion industry, places to let post abortive persons tell their stories, places to encourage pregnant women and give them all the resource information, being cheerleaders to those within the pro-life movement, and like with me a place to express their own thoughts, views and expressions.  And of course I would be remissed if I did not include that there are also websites that talk of other aspects of quality of life.  But as for me, I am focusing mainly on the anti-abortion side of pro-life.
Along with that, I want to be able to do more than just "preach to the choir."  I have never been one to shirk away from controversy.  I welcome all readers.  I have no problem discussing anything in my posts with pro-choice persons.  If you are pro-choice/pro-abortion I ask that you remain within topic, be respectful of my views (along with other readers) and any other comments, no mocking.  The same goes for the pro-life readers when in a comment discussion of a post.

Back to the writing of the second abortion. I did not write about it because I was proud and all "look at me!  I had an abortion!".  No, I wrote of it because it needed to be said.  I had been debating writing that experience for a long time.  It was a stop gap for me.  Without such a writing, I was unable to go forward with anything else.  Things that need to be said.  Things that need to be shown to the light of day.  Things that will tell of how my abortions affected many aspects of my post abortive life.  Things that will help other women, and men too, realize that they are not abnormal and others or at least another person has had the same things going on.

Don't Say That!

In trying to heal and talk through my feelings with my mother I have heard the same tired old trite "I know plenty of women who have had abortions and they are fine.  They are married, happy and have children.  Blah, blah, blah."  This seems to be a tactic of the pro-abortion side.  All it does is makes post abortion women who have anxiety issues feel bad about themselves.  They end up feeling marginalized, useless, weird, wrong, crazy, add your own adjective.
In fact, every time I talk to my mother it seems I find a new relative who had an abortion.  One of these is a cousin of her's.  She claims that the cousin is happily married with children and grandchildren.  Come to find out, she never heard it from the cousin.  I don't know who the source is.  But how the hell does she know if the cousin is happy or not, if she has not heard her views from the person directly?  I wonder how many others of the "women she knows" are merely third hand?

I have Googled for advice as to what or what not to say to someone who has had an abortion(s).  The following, from AfterAbortion.org is probably the best source I found with both don'ts with a corresponding do.  I will list the don'ts and link to the full article.

DON'T SAY

DON’T shut them off by changing the subject.
DON’T presume to know their own unique situation or condemn them for making a bad or immoral choice.
DON’T deny that they lost a child.
DON’T encourage them to blame others for the abortion. But don’t push them to forgive others, especially when they are in the initial stages of venting their anger and rage.
DON’T dismiss their feeling or tell them “did what was best,” or to just “get over it.”
DON’T suggest that having another child “someday” can make up for the one that was lost. This can negate their pain, suffering and feelings of loss for that particular child. Future children are a blessing and comfort, but they can’t replace the child who was lost.
DON’T leave them without offering your support and, if needed, encouraging them to seek out the help of post-abortion counselors or peer support groups.
DON’T be afraid to ask them how they are doing with it in the future.

These are just the Don'ts.  Please do go to the full link, http://afterabortion.org/1999/what-to-say-and-not-say-when-talking-to-someone-who-has-had-an-abortion/ to also read the dos.  

A Letter to my Mother

I have been going through some issues lately.  My anxiety seems to come and go.  Some days I am totally fine.  Others I am a total basket case.  During the "basket days" I can go from lethargy to anger and back and forth.  One thing going on is my relationship with my mother.  We have never really been estranged, but more strained.  I have tried to open up communications, at first I thought she was understanding, but I feel it is more she waits for me to show vulnerability to attack me while I am wounded.  The following is the first letter/email of my "coming out" in regards to the anxiety about the abortions so many years ago.  I did not mention my personal abortions, just alluding to them.  The letter has been slightly edited to eliminate names and/or locations that would identify me.

Hi Mom,

I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas. 

I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area).  And I know I have the house and everything.  I really appreciate everything you have done.  But I am just not happy here anymore.  I don't think I can really be happy anywhere.  But I believe I could be happier (there).  I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church.  One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth.  Somewhere that has people of all walks of life.  I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed.  I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life.  I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life.  I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014).  Perhaps even longer.  But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.

I will be turning 40 soon.  I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits.  And what do I have to show for it?  Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat.  As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family.  It may be too late to have biological children of my own.  But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc.  And for kids there could always be adoption. 

In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men.  I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years.  And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill."  I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality.  Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids.  I have convinced myself I don't like kids.  All in order to protect myself and my emotions.  Yet kids seem to like me.

Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate.  And for me, I think I could only do that (locale).  There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town).  I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet.  Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things.  I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on.  But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me. 
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever.  Yes, there are some like that.  But that is a small minority.  There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp.  Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways.  Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling.  Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views.  I have read up on the information.  I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting).  And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician.  I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics.  And deaths still happen despite "legalization."  Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector.  Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures.  Women who become infertile.  Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix.  Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends.  Pictures of post aborted babies.  No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor."  A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body.  A baby is.  The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature.  There is no perfect world.  Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.

Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much.  And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion.  If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.

Love,
(Your Daughter)

Playing with Spiders and Snakes!

Spiders and snakes are gross, icky and scary!  Am I right?  Why in the heck am I writing about spiders and snakes on a pro-life post abortive blog?  Doesn't make sense does it?

Here is how it makes sense.  Being post abortive means I need to come to terms with the events of both abortions.  This is a scary leap.  I have been reading Kindle e-books written by women who have had abortions.  Ah, technology.  Purchase it online and receive on your mobile device faster than a meal from McDs.  Following pro-life pages on Facebook.  Reading pro-life blogs, websites and news.  Watching YouTube videos.  And of course, following Twitter.

So here I am reading my Twitter newsfeed.  Seeing gruesome stories about abortion.  Reading about unethical "doctors" being caught doing bad stuff to patients victims and/or having unsanitary clinics.  Seeing pictures of abortion "procedures" and post abortive babies.  These pictures are gross.

So why am I doing this?  Why would I subject myself to such sights?  It is almost like staring at a car wreck.  You know you shouldn't look.  You don't want to look.  But you do.  I believe this is part of my healing process.  For so long the memories didn't seem real.  This makes it real.  As painful as it may be, it needs to be made real and confronted.  I have heard that people with phobias need to be confronted directly with their fears.  Whatever they are afraid of they need to touch it, see it, hear it, or be near it.  Confronting the abortion issue is to me what handling icky things like spiders and snakes are to those with phobias.