A Letter to my Mother

I have been going through some issues lately.  My anxiety seems to come and go.  Some days I am totally fine.  Others I am a total basket case.  During the "basket days" I can go from lethargy to anger and back and forth.  One thing going on is my relationship with my mother.  We have never really been estranged, but more strained.  I have tried to open up communications, at first I thought she was understanding, but I feel it is more she waits for me to show vulnerability to attack me while I am wounded.  The following is the first letter/email of my "coming out" in regards to the anxiety about the abortions so many years ago.  I did not mention my personal abortions, just alluding to them.  The letter has been slightly edited to eliminate names and/or locations that would identify me.

Hi Mom,

I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas. 

I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area).  And I know I have the house and everything.  I really appreciate everything you have done.  But I am just not happy here anymore.  I don't think I can really be happy anywhere.  But I believe I could be happier (there).  I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church.  One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth.  Somewhere that has people of all walks of life.  I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed.  I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life.  I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life.  I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014).  Perhaps even longer.  But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.

I will be turning 40 soon.  I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits.  And what do I have to show for it?  Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat.  As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family.  It may be too late to have biological children of my own.  But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc.  And for kids there could always be adoption. 

In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men.  I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years.  And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill."  I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality.  Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids.  I have convinced myself I don't like kids.  All in order to protect myself and my emotions.  Yet kids seem to like me.

Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate.  And for me, I think I could only do that (locale).  There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town).  I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet.  Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things.  I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on.  But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me. 
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever.  Yes, there are some like that.  But that is a small minority.  There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp.  Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways.  Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling.  Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views.  I have read up on the information.  I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting).  And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician.  I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics.  And deaths still happen despite "legalization."  Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector.  Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures.  Women who become infertile.  Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix.  Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends.  Pictures of post aborted babies.  No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor."  A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body.  A baby is.  The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature.  There is no perfect world.  Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.

Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much.  And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion.  If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.

Love,
(Your Daughter)

What Were Her True Thoughts?

After finishing writing the Her Views Turned on a Dime, in regards to my mother's coercing of the abortion, I figured I needed to write the following before I continue any further.  I have a few questions running through my mind.

I am wondering what my mother's true feelings were when she found out I was pregnant.  Was she truly supportive of the pregnancy and my choice to keep the baby, at first?  Did she want me to have an abortion from the start?  Was her "support" a rouse to relax me and gain my trust?  Was she talking to "pro-choice" persons as soon as she found out I was pregnant?  Was she waiting for the "right timing" to spring forth coercing me into the abortion?  Had she been given talking points from Planned Parenthood or another abortion center about how to coerce me?  What did they tell her, if so?  Did they tell her I may object?  And how to counter my objections?  If there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time did they tell her?  If so, did they tell her how to avoid having me considering contacting them?   Did they tell her that I may bring up the suggestion of adoption?
Did they give her all the information in regards to abortion?  Yet, tell her to avoid any of the "grisly" details?  Or did they give her the "cute little phrases" and tired old tripe talking points?  My mother should have known the details.  As she had been a hospital nurse before I was born, along with working in a doctor's office after my parents' divorce.  My mother wasn't clueless about all the details involved in pregnancy.
Of course women who have been pregnant know the basic details about babies, pregnancy and birth.  But she knew the ins and outs details of the biology and terminology from conception to birth.  She still had her biology books from nursing school in the early 70's on her book shelf.  Along with books with updated info, from the early to mid 80's.
Did she know that complications, needless complications, can result from abortion?  Did she know that women still die from "legal" abortions?  Did she know that babies get torn to bits while being sucked through the vacuum?  Did she know that the abortion vacuum is 29 times more powerful than a household vacuum?  Did she know that damage can be done to the body; i.e. cervix, uterus?  Did she know that such damage can cause miscarriages in future pregnancies due to weak cervix muscles?  Did she know that overall infertility can be caused due to the damage?  Did she know that women who have had abortion can have a higher risk of breast cancer?  Did she know that women who have had abortions have a higher risk of suicide than any other groups of women?  Did she know that many, if not most, women who have aborted babies have regrets, whether soon after or many years down the road?  Despite what she told me during the coercion?  Did she not know that messing with a pregnant woman's body is damaging and not right, along with being very invasive?
I really would truly like to believe that she really was supportive of me and my child, her grandchild, at the beginning.  But it does make one wonder how she could switch views over something as trite as a dumb old unpaid speeding ticket!

Her Views Turned on a Dime

Continuation of my abortion story starting at I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception and "Matt" Didn't Care

I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion.  No, she does not know about the blog.  While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.

As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive.  Or so I thought.  As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound.  I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center.  I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia.  That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl.  Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl.  To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time.  I think we were both a little shell shocked.  We had a conversation in the car.  I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me.  But there was no talk of abortion.

Here again is where my memories are fuzzy.  During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town.  Possibly twice.  During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area.  She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process.  And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby.  She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks."  What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move.  How my body would change during the preparations.  Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.

Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time.  One was in regards to him wanting oral sex.  While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable.  And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique.  Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying.  Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive.  I don't know.  She showed compassion.  Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant.  I don't know how true that is.  Hey, Google it!  Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby. 

As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day.  She decided to check my mail.  I had received a letter from DMV.  My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets.  The revoction was for about 30 days.  She blew up.  Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby?  How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me?  She told me I was going to have to have an abortion.  Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born.  I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's.  She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion.  We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion.  I was giving her reasons why not.  She was giving reasons why.  My grandma and aunt were parroting her.  I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family.  One was an aunt on her mother's side.  The other was one of my aunts, father's sister.  And of course how they are just fine now.  She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages.  How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly.  And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly.  Or some mumbo jumbo like that.  I was in tears, feeling trapped.  I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn.  She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me.  Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born.  Really!?  Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child?  Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild! 
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy.  And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter.  Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating.  They were pro-life in their teaching.  They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info.  I had repeated some of what I had learned.  Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there.  And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school.  I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place.  She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective. 
I was suggesting adoption.  She didn't like that idea.  She did not want my child to grow up with another family.  Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family.  Telling me she could be abused.  I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life.  She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up.  She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born.  That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry.  Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side.  Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script.  It wouldn't hurt at all.  They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out.  It's only a clump of cells.  It's only the size of a dime.  She wouldn't feel a thing.  She wouldn't be harmed.  By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along.  As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her.  But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide."  In that short time I was alone with my thoughts.  Deep down, I didn't want to do it.  But I didn't know what to do.  I knew about adoption.  I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services.  Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic.  I had no idea who to call.  I didn't know who to turn to for help.  Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had.  She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes.  I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center.  Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet.  It may be too late for me.  But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy.  It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help.  Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time.  So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing

In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father.  Just a note, they were divorced.  She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views.  When actually it was the opposite.  He was on his third marriage.  They were living in another state, with many other states in between.  Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships.  I had a half brother from this union.  Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born.  My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born.  Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either.  Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt."  And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption.  My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up.  True, he wasn't there much for me growing up.  But everyone is allowed redemption.  Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine!  I will have the abortion to make you happy."  Her response was "it's not for me.  It's for you to decide."  What!?  If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work.  That, that is true choice!  But alas, it was never to be.

To be continued...

Things that Make You Go Hmmmm...

I have wanted the first few posts of this here little blog to be of my own personal story, then onto linking to other stories.  But then again, not everything is "perfectly planned as we want it to be" ;) .  I have been trying to come up with the words to continue my story.  I am a follower of many pro-life organizations on FB.  One of them being National Right to Life.  Just came across one post that links to their main website, that really made me think and feel the need to share now.  It is titled 10 amazing things that happen to babies before birth. 

Completely shoots down the whole "It's just a clump of cells" or "It's just a blob of tissue" myths.  Some of this is just amazing.  It is lies that I was told by my own mother when she coerced me to have the abortion done.  Such as the "blob" will feel no pain.  It has no brain.  I will get more into details of the coercion in future postings.  In the meantime, check this out;
Anything in italics is my own commentary


1) “On the first day following fertilization, the human embryo is identifiable as a specific individual human being on a molecular level.”

2) A Baby’s Heart Begins to Beat at 21 Days.  
Perhaps I had already known that during the coercion, but in the bullying down from family my mind was so confused that I wasn't even thinking that.

3) At 2 to 3 Weeks, a Baby’s Brain is the “First Organ to Appear.”

4) A Baby May Feel Physical Pain as Early as His Fifth Week.
Dear God in heavan!  Why!?  Why does no one tell you this!?  In fact, they tell you just the opposite!

5) A Baby’s Kidneys are Present at Only 5 Weeks.

6) A Baby’s Brainwaves Can be Measured at 6 Weeks Old.
Wow, just wow!  All I can say.

7) At 6 Weeks, a Baby Will Move Away if His Mouth is Touched.

8) A Baby’s Ear Can Begin to be Seen Around 6 Weeks.

9) A Baby Has Fingerprints at 9-10 Weeks.

10) A Baby Can Suck Her Thumb and Yawn at 9 1/2 Weeks Old.

This is just the synopsis of the main article.  Please click the link above or here for the full article.