That's a question I asked myself last night while trying to sleep.
I sometimes have dreams about getting back together with "Matt." Many times it comes to fruition. But then he disappears. Or one of us we will try to contact each other, yet missing a connection. We are never parents in any of the dreams. I never really gave much thought to any of these dreams, other than wonder where that came from after waking up.
Until last night. I was thinking about him. Thought about the good times and the bad times. And yes, there were good times. But does he remember any of them? Does he remember the woman he dated for a year and a half? Does he remember the woman whom he impregnated? Does he ever wonder if the child really was lost to miscarriage? Did he ever wonder if she was pregnant before breaking up with him? If he thought yes, did he wonder what happened to that child?
Does he even remember her name? Does he remember what she looks like? Does he remember that he was her first...everything?
I remember the first time he kissed me. I giggled. It was nothing against him. I wasn't laughing at him. I was almost twenty years old, and had never been kissed! Heck, I had never even dated anyone! It was a nervous reaction. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to say it back. He was rather offended by that. I wasn't sure if I did love him. I didn't know what love is. Perhaps I still don't. I did end up reciprocating the sentiment. But did I mean it? Did he mean it? I don't know. Perhaps, on both accounts.
I remember the first time he tried to have sex with me. I remember being swept away and taken in. Almost relenting. Then pulling back. I remember the first time of surrendering to him. The details of which would not be appropriate to speak of.
During the breakdown of 2014 I did check on Facebook to see if he had a profile set up. Not really that I wanted to reconnect, just checking to see if he was on there. What would I even say to him? Why would I tell him that I was contacting him after all this time? At that time he was in a relationship. He may or may not still be.
I have since found out that he now has a son. Doing the math, that son is less than a year younger than what Hanelore would be. Because I don't know the exact mathematics of that boy's birth month or even when Hanelore's due date would have been; I am not sure if "Matt" impregnated another woman towards the end of our relationship or soon after my breaking up with him.
There is a bit of hurt in that. Whether he was cheating on me or started a relationship soon after the break up. I can't help but wonder what was so special about the mother of his son that she was "allowed to" give birth to his child, but I wasn't. Did she have support from "Matt"? Did she have support from her family? Or was she stronger than me and stood up to them all? Is she the woman "Matt" is in a relationship with, or was recently? Does "Matt" look at his son and think that the son may or may not have a sister? Does he regret his non committal attitude toward my pregnancy with Anastasia?
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Friday, December 19, 2014
The Yellow Onesie
To read previous posts leading up to this one click the links below.
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
"Matt" Didn't Care
Her Views Turned on a Dime
Damn! That Hurt!
After a few days I returned from my mother's either I called "Matt" or he called me. I did not tell him about the abortion. He came over to my apartment. We talked. He showed me a onesie he bought for our baby, the baby that no longer exists. It was a typical yellow non gender onesie. While much of my memory is fuzzy, this is one of the exact things I remember. I remember exactly the layout of my old apartment. I remember where in the apartment I was sitting. I was sitting on "Matt's" lap and told him I had a "miscarriage." He cried. Or so I thought. It could have been crocodile tears. I am not sure. I do know that I was unable to cry. I just put my head upon his shoulder.
He never asked about any of the details. Then I was glad, because I didn't want to make anything up nor was I ready to tell him the truth. But looking back, I wonder did he suspect? Did he even actually care?
I had a horrible sinking feeling inside. Hurt because of the abortion. Felt bad because of lying to him. Angry because of all that time I was pregnant he never acknowledged that I had a child inside me. And now that she was gone he acknowledges the situation?! Where was he when I was pregnant? Why wasn't he "fighting" for me and our child?
I did have sex with him that night. I have since found out that women are told not to have sex for at least 2 weeks after the abortion. I was never told that. I was given antibiotics and instructions, but not the no having sex part. But unless it wasn't written down for me, if I was only told verbally I probably wasn't paying attention in the state of mind I was in.
"Matt" did find the antibiotics. I told him I had to take those because of the miscarriage. Next day or two he told me his sister told him that the antibiotics are only for abortions. Yeah, after the baby's gone is when he tells any of his family members. I insisted that it was a miscarriage I had. After all, my own mother convinced my that abortion and miscarriage are basically the same thing. Right? We didn't fight or anything. He just dropped the subject.
Then came having to tell my best friend. This is the friend from the Christian school who did the book report about abortion. I called and told her that I was no longer going to get married. And that I had a miscarriage. She didn't press me on details. Just gave me sympathy. I felt worse lying to her than I did to "Matt." Why didn't I say something to her, before the abortion? Maybe she would have been able to help me or find someone who could?
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Her Views Turned on a Dime
Continuation of my abortion story starting at I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception and "Matt" Didn't Care
I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion. No, she does not know about the blog. While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.
As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive. Or so I thought. As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound. I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center. I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia. That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl. Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl. To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time. I think we were both a little shell shocked. We had a conversation in the car. I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me. But there was no talk of abortion.
Here again is where my memories are fuzzy. During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town. Possibly twice. During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area. She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process. And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby. She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks." What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move. How my body would change during the preparations. Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.
Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time. One was in regards to him wanting oral sex. While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable. And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique. Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying. Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive. I don't know. She showed compassion. Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant. I don't know how true that is. Hey, Google it! Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby.
As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day. She decided to check my mail. I had received a letter from DMV. My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets. The revoction was for about 30 days. She blew up. Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby? How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me? She told me I was going to have to have an abortion. Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born. I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's. She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion. We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion. I was giving her reasons why not. She was giving reasons why. My grandma and aunt were parroting her. I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family. One was an aunt on her mother's side. The other was one of my aunts, father's sister. And of course how they are just fine now. She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages. How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly. And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly. Or some mumbo jumbo like that. I was in tears, feeling trapped. I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn. She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me. Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born. Really!? Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child? Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild!
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy. And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter. Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating. They were pro-life in their teaching. They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info. I had repeated some of what I had learned. Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there. And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school. I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place. She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective.
I was suggesting adoption. She didn't like that idea. She did not want my child to grow up with another family. Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family. Telling me she could be abused. I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life. She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up. She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born. That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry. Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side. Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script. It wouldn't hurt at all. They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out. It's only a clump of cells. It's only the size of a dime. She wouldn't feel a thing. She wouldn't be harmed. By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along. As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her. But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide." In that short time I was alone with my thoughts. Deep down, I didn't want to do it. But I didn't know what to do. I knew about adoption. I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services. Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic. I had no idea who to call. I didn't know who to turn to for help. Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had. She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes. I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center. Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet. It may be too late for me. But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help. Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time. So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing
In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father. Just a note, they were divorced. She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views. When actually it was the opposite. He was on his third marriage. They were living in another state, with many other states in between. Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships. I had a half brother from this union. Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born. My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born. Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either. Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt." And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption. My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up. True, he wasn't there much for me growing up. But everyone is allowed redemption. Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine! I will have the abortion to make you happy." Her response was "it's not for me. It's for you to decide." What!? If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work. That, that is true choice! But alas, it was never to be.
To be continued...
I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion. No, she does not know about the blog. While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.
As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive. Or so I thought. As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound. I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center. I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia. That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl. Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl. To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time. I think we were both a little shell shocked. We had a conversation in the car. I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me. But there was no talk of abortion.
Here again is where my memories are fuzzy. During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town. Possibly twice. During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area. She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process. And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby. She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks." What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move. How my body would change during the preparations. Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.
Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time. One was in regards to him wanting oral sex. While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable. And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique. Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying. Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive. I don't know. She showed compassion. Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant. I don't know how true that is. Hey, Google it! Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby.
As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day. She decided to check my mail. I had received a letter from DMV. My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets. The revoction was for about 30 days. She blew up. Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby? How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me? She told me I was going to have to have an abortion. Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born. I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's. She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion. We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion. I was giving her reasons why not. She was giving reasons why. My grandma and aunt were parroting her. I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family. One was an aunt on her mother's side. The other was one of my aunts, father's sister. And of course how they are just fine now. She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages. How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly. And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly. Or some mumbo jumbo like that. I was in tears, feeling trapped. I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn. She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me. Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born. Really!? Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child? Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild!
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy. And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter. Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating. They were pro-life in their teaching. They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info. I had repeated some of what I had learned. Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there. And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school. I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place. She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective.
I was suggesting adoption. She didn't like that idea. She did not want my child to grow up with another family. Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family. Telling me she could be abused. I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life. She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up. She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born. That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry. Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side. Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script. It wouldn't hurt at all. They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out. It's only a clump of cells. It's only the size of a dime. She wouldn't feel a thing. She wouldn't be harmed. By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along. As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her. But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide." In that short time I was alone with my thoughts. Deep down, I didn't want to do it. But I didn't know what to do. I knew about adoption. I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services. Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic. I had no idea who to call. I didn't know who to turn to for help. Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had. She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes. I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center. Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet. It may be too late for me. But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help. Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time. So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing
In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father. Just a note, they were divorced. She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views. When actually it was the opposite. He was on his third marriage. They were living in another state, with many other states in between. Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships. I had a half brother from this union. Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born. My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born. Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either. Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt." And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption. My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up. True, he wasn't there much for me growing up. But everyone is allowed redemption. Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine! I will have the abortion to make you happy." Her response was "it's not for me. It's for you to decide." What!? If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work. That, that is true choice! But alas, it was never to be.
To be continued...
Saturday, December 6, 2014
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
I had been dating "Matt" since November of 1994. We started out as friends. I had only been living on my own for just a couple months before that. Never had any dating experience. I worked with "Matt." Sometimes he would visit me at my apartment, sometimes I would visit at him at his house. He had attempted quite a few times to get me to sleep with him. I rebuffed him at first. It was early January of 1995 when I finally lost my virginity to him.
I am not sure exactly when I would have gotten pregnant, perhaps it was during "my first time." I do recall at some point "Matt" was staying at my apartment, I think it was late January or early February. I woke up to go to the bathroom, he was still asleep. Nothing seriously physical was wrong with me. Yet, I couldn't shake off a strange feeling that something was "off." Not sure what it was exactly. I had wondered if maybe I were pregnant, yet I didn't really have any symptoms. I could feel something physical inside of me that just didn't seem usual.
Then I started getting a little poochy belly and my boobs were growing quite fast. I was then leaning towards the possibility that I may be pregnant. My family noticed my "growing." I just told them that maybe I was eating too much.
I still kept having gnawing thoughts of pregnancy. I kept those thoughts to myself. I had bought a couple at home pregnancy tests. The package said that results are shown after the first missed period. Well I didn't have a missed period. So that was useless. There was a part of me that didn't want to be pregnant, but a part of me would like to have been a mother. I can't quite explain the feeling.
Then one day, for no reason at all, I decided to clean the little apartment and rearrange the furniture. I just wanted a whole new look. That is when I had the very worst period of my entire life! The cramps were horrible. The bleeding was crazy. I was bed ridden for over a week. I had never ever had cramps before. Previously, since age 12, the bleeding was the only sign I was ever having my period.
Things just didn't seem right. I made an appointment with the doctor. I was young, naive and inexperienced. I was scared to tell her that I thought I may be pregnant. I just told her my symptoms, in hopes that she would ask the questions. She never did. Just gave me some pain pills.
Still, something did not seem right. I took another at home pregnancy test. Yep, positive. I do believe I told my mother first. I can't remember for sure if it was or her or "Matt" that I told first, most likely it was her. She was a bit disappointed, but she was willing to support me. She asked about the doctor visit. I told her that the doctor didn't even do or say anything leading toward pregnancy. My mother had called the doctor, and told her about my at home test results. She referred us to an OB/GYN. They confirmed that I was pregnant. An ultra sound was performed. My mother was with me and saw the ultra sound. I saw my little child. "She" was at 6 weeks along.
That is when I told "Matt" I was definitely pregnant. To be continued...
I am not sure exactly when I would have gotten pregnant, perhaps it was during "my first time." I do recall at some point "Matt" was staying at my apartment, I think it was late January or early February. I woke up to go to the bathroom, he was still asleep. Nothing seriously physical was wrong with me. Yet, I couldn't shake off a strange feeling that something was "off." Not sure what it was exactly. I had wondered if maybe I were pregnant, yet I didn't really have any symptoms. I could feel something physical inside of me that just didn't seem usual.
Then I started getting a little poochy belly and my boobs were growing quite fast. I was then leaning towards the possibility that I may be pregnant. My family noticed my "growing." I just told them that maybe I was eating too much.
I still kept having gnawing thoughts of pregnancy. I kept those thoughts to myself. I had bought a couple at home pregnancy tests. The package said that results are shown after the first missed period. Well I didn't have a missed period. So that was useless. There was a part of me that didn't want to be pregnant, but a part of me would like to have been a mother. I can't quite explain the feeling.
Then one day, for no reason at all, I decided to clean the little apartment and rearrange the furniture. I just wanted a whole new look. That is when I had the very worst period of my entire life! The cramps were horrible. The bleeding was crazy. I was bed ridden for over a week. I had never ever had cramps before. Previously, since age 12, the bleeding was the only sign I was ever having my period.
Things just didn't seem right. I made an appointment with the doctor. I was young, naive and inexperienced. I was scared to tell her that I thought I may be pregnant. I just told her my symptoms, in hopes that she would ask the questions. She never did. Just gave me some pain pills.
Still, something did not seem right. I took another at home pregnancy test. Yep, positive. I do believe I told my mother first. I can't remember for sure if it was or her or "Matt" that I told first, most likely it was her. She was a bit disappointed, but she was willing to support me. She asked about the doctor visit. I told her that the doctor didn't even do or say anything leading toward pregnancy. My mother had called the doctor, and told her about my at home test results. She referred us to an OB/GYN. They confirmed that I was pregnant. An ultra sound was performed. My mother was with me and saw the ultra sound. I saw my little child. "She" was at 6 weeks along.
That is when I told "Matt" I was definitely pregnant. To be continued...
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