A U-Haul on the Back of a Chevy Beretta

Beretta? That's a weird name for a car. But onto the story...

In terms of chronological events I left off in May of 2015 telling the story of the second abortion. Since then I have been mainly giving my opinions and thoughts, updating on my healing progress, and some news in regards to pro-life and social issues. I think it is time to visit the aspects of my life after the abortions.
It will be a journey of "one sin begets another" and subconscious behavior based on forgotten trauma.

To recap; I had been living with my mother at the time of the second abortion. We weren't getting along. Getting on each other's nerves. Fighting about the dumbest things. The anger escalated above the offense. From what I have read this is not uncommon, between persons who have had a mutual involvement in an abortion.

So the year would have been about 1997. I think late in the year. Winter was just beginning. Running away from something, something unknown. Packed up what little stuff I had. Stuffed it in a small U-Haul trailer. Hooked it up to that little Chevy Beretta and from Michigan to Texas I went!

My father had come up from Texas to help load the trailer and drive down. He did most of the night driving and through mountainous hilly terrain. I drove during the day on average roads.
Somehow that little car made it, with the trailer on the back. I left Michigan with the mileage past the 100,000 mark.

There is somewhat of a metaphor here. I have spent most of my adult life careening down hill and back up again, with attached baggage I didn't even know was there. Baggage seems to be a metaphor for the problems in our life.
People always talk about others having baggage and they need to get rid of it. I'm sure that is true to an extent. It's not good to carry it around and let it affect you. But at the same time, it never really can fully leave you. It really is a time waster to drive the baggage around looking for the first available dump.
In ways it can shape you, for better or for worse. If one is able to grab that baggage, look into all the contents, and evaluate it it will make you stronger. Just don't obsess over it. Sometimes the contents of the baggage will make you cry. And that's OK.

This all being said I would like to invite you on my continuing journey. The journey that involves men, drinking, funning, and the sins it led to. I will not chronicle every detail, just the basics.

So buckle your seatbelts baby, it's going to be a bumpy ride!...

Do You Know Me?

This is a post I have been having bopping about in my head for a few days.  It could have a few multiple connections to it.  Then in an email exchange my dummy self told my mother about this blog, just not the title or link.  But more about that later.

I try to stay as anonymous online as possible in regards to the abortions.  When writing I try to be as basic as possible while trying to avoid anyone recognizing me.  I make sure that no one knows where I live or where the abortions took place.  I avoid using names in any way.  There are only a rare few couple of persons who know me and this blog, simultaneously.  Telling others of my abortions is something I am unable to do.  Though I am able to speak of it and my thoughts "behind the safety of a computer."
A friend who is the administrator to their church's Facebook page expresses an interest in linking my blog to one of the page's postings.  The selfLESS side of me would allow it,if it would help someone who has had an abortion, those wondering about the life of a post-abortion person and/or someone in a crisis pregnancy.  The selfISH side of me knows that many of my friends read that page.  While I do try to be as careful as possible not to be recognized, I am still afraid that there may be that one minute thing that a friend could pick up on.
I am many persons to many people.  Those who know of my Anastasia and Hanelore account don't know my personal likes and dislikes or basic bio info.  I have a Facebook account on my real name.  Those people know my likes and dislikes along with basic bio info.  And even though they know I am pro-life and post about pro-life news and issues, they do not know about my abortions.  
Sometimes I wonder if my family, friends and co-workers even know me.

Even as myself, I feel as though others don't really know me.  In this fast paced world, we as a society don't take the time to know others.  All we want to do is make small talk with others.  We judge others.  We make up stories about others.  It's easier than to talk and listen to those who are hurting.

We see so many people around us.  Perhaps they seem fine, perhaps not.  Abortion is legal.  Yet there is shame with it.  No one wants to admit to having one.  Maybe it is because deep down, legal or not, our consciousnesses tell us and know it is a sin.
Perhaps the girl standing behind you at the grocery store has had an abortion.  What about the checkout girl at the grocery store you see once or twice a week during your shopping.  You talk to her about her cats, her home, her kids, her spouse, her parents, etc.  But you don't know the pain she may be hiding.  I am in no way advocating that you ask her about her personal details.  Just saying that many people are hiding hurts that many of us could not imagine.

It is not just about abortion either.  Some of it could be sins that the person was directly involved in.  Maybe it was something beyond their control that the sin was committed against them.  Somebody told them they were in the wrong and they feel guilt for no reason.

One of the things that bugs me is middle age men who say to women, "Why don't you smile?".  And yes, it is almost always middle age men that do that.  But not all middle age men do that.  I mean, REALLY?!  They don't even know me!  Be they customers from my job, someone in line at the store, someone from church that I don't even have regular conversations with, or what have you.  I always want to ask, "do you know me?".
That's the thing with modern society.  Everyone is expected to smile, smile, smile!  For no reason.  It would be one thing for someone to walk around with a constant frown.  Even then still, if you don't know the person, leave them alone.  There life is none of your business!  Can't people just have a neutral look on their face without someone bothering them?