Multi-Gemstone Pro-Life Rosary Bracelet

At the risk of posting something that may "identify" me; this is a pro-life Rosary bracelet I had made soon after being home from the Rachel's Vineyard Retreat.  I like to make Rosaries; full size and bracelet size (one decade).  I had made another pro-life bracelet in pink pearl with a Mary Untier/Undoer of Knots image for the medal and baby themed charms, a few months ago. 
At the retreat I was given a few gifts from some of the retreat leaders.  Some of them were gifts of the same thing that were given to each attendee.  Some were individual gifts given to me.  Most of them were saint medals and charms for jewelry.  I am sure others were given "personalized" gifts. 
I am not sure, but I think the reason I was given so many medals is because I told someone at the retreat that I had wanted to bring my full Rosary that also had an Untier of Knots center, but left it at home.  And I also told them about the bracelet.  Since the place of the retreat was held at a Catholic retreat center there were many Christian images, such as Jesus (of course), Mary (of course), Joseph, well known saints, popes and such.  I had asked them if they knew if one of the images was the Undoer of Knots, somewhere.  Just to look at and bring some comfort.  Wouldn't you know it?!  That person also had a medal of the Untier of Knots!  They give it to me.  And said I could keep it.  Which was very nice.  I thought I would add it to my bracelet when I came home. 
Others at the retreat had heard about this.  Then they gave me some charms, at different breaks/after sessions during the retreat.  They had said that the priest who was there as the spiritual leader had blessed them.  So I am not sure if they asked him to bless them with me in mind or not.  So I decided I would add those to my bracelet also. 
During my stay at the local hotel in the town of the retreat, not having anything to do with the retreat, I felt lead to make a completely new bracelet inspired by the retreat.  The bracelet would be inspired by the wonderful persons I met.  Since there was ten of us, myself included, it was the perfect number for a full decade! Of course I won't tell how each person inspired me, but I will say that each different and individual bead was chosen by all the wonderful qualities of each attendee.  Please read below about the charms and choosing of the Crucifix, Our Father Bead, and main medal.

Each bead is a genuine gemstone.  Medals and charms given to me are Mary Untier of Knots, Our Lady of Fatima, tag that says "blessed," and St. Therese of the Little Flower.  The charms are foot prints, baby carriage, and a teddy bear holding a bouquet of flowers; that I already had. 

I had chosen the Pope Francis cross for the Crucifix, for the simple of humbleness of it.  As a reminder of Jesus being The Shepherd leading his flock who doesn't forget a one of us who stumbles and becomes lost.  I choose a large crimson colored bead as the Our Father bead, as a symbol of Jesus' blood shed on the cross; for all us sinners. The main medal is Mary of the Streets. Chosen for the humility and unpretentiousness.  According to this Wikipedia link the image was not originally intended as religious.  But so evoked the thought of Mary holding baby Jesus.

I only wear this bracelet at home.  I want to avoid anyone asking me about it.  I have no problem with anyone noticing the other one.  If someone were to ask about it, I could just say I made it because of my pro-life views, without mentioning my having had the abortions.  This one it might would be more difficult to avoid that in the explanation.

Should I Go to Church?

This is a post that I originally started in the Daily Thoughts Page, but I started getting long winded and decided to make it into a post.

It is after midnight already, so I guess that makes today Sunday already.  As I have stated, I do not have issues with God or Christianity.  Or at least not now.  But I do have issues with church itself.  I have said that I am a member of a local Protestant church that I really don't attend.  I would like to get back to attending church.  But the thought of going does give me anxiety.  Should I go to the church I am a member of?  A different Protestant church?  But which one?  A Catholic church?  Which I am somewhat considering.

The issue is that the church, the denomination as a whole, that I am a member of is known for it's liberal leanings.  Their "official" statement on abortion is rather wishy washy and worded so the member/reader can take the meaning to however they want.  But basically they are so called "pro-choice" in their dealings and actions.

I am a single woman.  Never been married.  No prospects on the horizon.  The idea of marital status in most churches is that you need to be married, to be taken seriously. This even in the more liberal churches that "champion" gay marriage, homosexuality, and/or abortion; with a "meh" attitude towards premarital sex.
I feel that even in the church I belong to if I were to proclaim "I am a proud lesbian who has had multiple abortions.  No regrets!  My body, my choice!" I would be taken more seriously than being unmarried, heterosexual, conservative and pro-life.
Many of the churches that are known as pro-life and traditional family/marriage will look akin to a woman who is unmarried.  Yet, not really so much towards unmarried men. The attitude is that the men are just not ready or something.  But unmarried women are to be pitied.  There must be something wrong with her.  Maybe she's a promiscuous feminist.
Whether the church is liberal or conservative, women are expected to be married, unless they are gay.  You will only be expected to be taken seriously if you can physically give them future members or pew sitters.  Oh gosh, and the gossip.  No one will talk to you, but will make up stories about you left and right.

Yes, I know, the focus should be on Christ.  I am being guided in this area in finding a Christ centered Bible based church.  But still, isn't community supposed be part of the church?  If that is the fact, then shouldn't all Christians be accepted into the church community, regardless of their station in life? 

Still Healing and Recovering

Warning: The following is a bit disjointed.  Firing out thoughts as they come.  No rhythm or concise order of anything.  

Been debating writing about this.  As was stated I attended a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat about 3 weekends ago.  Oddly it seems longer ago than that.  Yet, it seems more recent.  I have been doing that for the past year or so, since "*coming to terms" with the abortions.

*Really, can one truly come to terms with an abortion?  I don't know.  I can't answer that.  No matter how much support one has from a confident(s), retreats, online groups, prayer, Bible reading, etc "automatic healing" will not take place.  All I can do is trust in Christ.  Yes, it's an uphill battle.  One that I must climb everyday and trust in God.  Look, I don't have all the answers.  I just know I am going to fall.  Heck sometimes even go snowball rolling down that hill.  I know when I do fall to get on my knees and pray.  Even before starting up the hill to get on my knees and prayer.  Regardless of my mood.  Do I always heed my own advice?  No!  But I must keep persevering.

Looks like I kind of went off track.  Let's get back to the subject.  So the reason, or one reason, I debated writing about this is that I was afraid of possibly coming off as saying that the retreat didn't help me.  It did.  Believe me. I don't want the following to be a discouragement to those who may be considering attending a retreat. Whether you are in the look-up stage or making plans to attend a specific retreat in your area or somewhere else; I want to tell you that despite any of your fears it really truly is a healing experience.  Or part of the healing experience.

Currently, I am writing from my "sick bed."  Not really like I have the flu or something.  Just tired.  Don't want to do anything right now.  Playing Christian/Gospel/Hymn music.  Reading from the Bible.  Praying the rosary.  May read a few verses from the Book of Psalms.  Checking out the Twitter feed.  Of course writing too.  Playing online games, just to release some stress. 
Although I am currently not at the point I was when I "discovered" that I had the abortions.  That time was horrible.  All I did was lay around, desiring to cry yet the tears would not flow, lay in a fetal position, wishing the world would go away.  I have made some progress in that time.

I have been somewhat lethargic since coming home from the retreat.  The leaders did state to take it easy when getting home and not be wonder-woman.  I did try to heed that advice.  But at the same time I felt like I had so much in my life and home that were neglected during my reflection time.  I thought I could come home and do all kinds of spring cleaning and DIY projects.  But I was also being careful not to overdo things.  I would wake up, drink my coffee, sit and stare, think about the things I needed to do.  I thought "the next cup of coffee will give me the energy to do things."  Nope.  After finishing a day of doing nothing,except for maybe the basics I would go to bed  feeling defeated and lazy. 
Finally, I have just collapsed.  I am laying on the couch propped up by a throw pillow and a bed pillow.  Doing nothing.  And that is fine!I don't know how long I will be on my sick bed.  And that is fine.  I am not going to schedule the time I will be on the sick bed.  And that is fine.  I am not going to schedule things I need to do.  And that is fine. 

There is a photo on the sidebar along with the same photo at the top of the blog that is of the prayer and meditation shrine in memorial of my girls, Anastasia and Hanelore.  I have it set up in my kitchen.  It is a nice spot to be able to remind me to look to God in all my sorrows and joys.  Have my devotions and prayer time there.  Feel as though I have my daughters near me during meal and prep times.  I am not at the point where I set a place and meals for them.  Yet, I think it is now time to take down the shrine and put the memory items in a safe and secure spot, to be able to look at when I need to. 
Although my hoarding issues seem to get in the way of that.  Don't know why but in some ways it feels as though I am getting rid of my daughters again.  Possibly as though I am "hiding them."  These are issues I need to work on.

Point is; there is no one true miracle that is going to all of a sudden make my emotions be all Maria from The Sound of Music dancing in a field of flowers.  And that too is fine!

Thoughts on Rachel's Vineyard Retreat

Wow, February 13, 2015; last time I wrote a post?  Has it been that long?  I have had so many thoughts swirling around in that time.  I have wrote out quick quips at the Anastasia and Hanelore Twitter account.  I am feeling that now is the time to write a few new posts.

This past weekend I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat.  While I am still processing everything that happened, I would like to express a few of my quick observations.  Perhaps I will write more in detail, without being too personal, at a later time.
For post abortion healing this is a great retreat!  I felt validated to connect with men and women who have been through what I have been going through for the past 20 years.  While their experiences may not have been exactly as mine, I finally felt as though others understood my pain.  There was much peace and healing. I was given many gifts from the retreat, leaders and most importantly a gift of peace from the Lord. 

It may have been Catholic oriented, but all from all faiths are welcome.  I was the only non-Catholic there.  In fact, I am a Christian, a member of a local church, still no "actual" connection to an actual church.  (That is a subject for another post)  Yet, I felt very accepted by everyone.  I even had my own Marian experience/image.  Nothing like "an image of Mary on my toast" kind of thing, but through meditation.

Everyone was given a journal to write their thoughts and stories.  I didn't write anything while there.  I did stay at a nearby hotel after the retreat was over.  There, I did start to write into the journal.  I have more to write into it.  I can pour out more personally into that.  I wanted to make sure I wrote down who gave me what gifts, so as to remember and treasure them.  As to treasure within my heart the persons who gave them to me. 
Oh, there is so much I want to share, but again, I want to write out personally pouring out my heart.  Then edit out that which would be too personal.  There were so many meditation places within the center to reflect on Christ's Sacrifice and God's love for ALL us sinners.  I will forever treasure everything within my heart. 

During my stay at the hotel I created a "portable shrine" from many of the items received from the retreat.  After coming home I set up the shrine at my kitchen table, along with personal family oriented items added.  I prayed the rosary at this personal shrine, along with a quiet meditation.  I truly felt at peace.  A peace I have never experienced before.

Please join me in following reflections and growth to come...

Additions to Previous Post

I reread the previous post Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) an added more that I originally wanted to say when first published.  The following is what I added.  If you have not read the full post already, please click the link in the title above.

* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know.  Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes.  Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business."  Believe me, I know how you are feeling.  I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy.  I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time.  Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now.  I was too scared to call them.  This being the era before the internet.  You may be saying "But I am not Catholic."  They will help you anyways.  And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services.  When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic.  We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child."  Or something like that.  Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life.  I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image." 
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice.  Please, please do not give up.  Give her all the pro-life information you can.