That's a question I asked myself last night while trying to sleep.
I sometimes have dreams about getting back together with "Matt." Many times it comes to fruition. But then he disappears. Or one of us we will try to contact each other, yet missing a connection. We are never parents in any of the dreams. I never really gave much thought to any of these dreams, other than wonder where that came from after waking up.
Until last night. I was thinking about him. Thought about the good times and the bad times. And yes, there were good times. But does he remember any of them? Does he remember the woman he dated for a year and a half? Does he remember the woman whom he impregnated? Does he ever wonder if the child really was lost to miscarriage? Did he ever wonder if she was pregnant before breaking up with him? If he thought yes, did he wonder what happened to that child?
Does he even remember her name? Does he remember what she looks like? Does he remember that he was her first...everything?
I remember the first time he kissed me. I giggled. It was nothing against him. I wasn't laughing at him. I was almost twenty years old, and had never been kissed! Heck, I had never even dated anyone! It was a nervous reaction. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to say it back. He was rather offended by that. I wasn't sure if I did love him. I didn't know what love is. Perhaps I still don't. I did end up reciprocating the sentiment. But did I mean it? Did he mean it? I don't know. Perhaps, on both accounts.
I remember the first time he tried to have sex with me. I remember being swept away and taken in. Almost relenting. Then pulling back. I remember the first time of surrendering to him. The details of which would not be appropriate to speak of.
During the breakdown of 2014 I did check on Facebook to see if he had a profile set up. Not really that I wanted to reconnect, just checking to see if he was on there. What would I even say to him? Why would I tell him that I was contacting him after all this time? At that time he was in a relationship. He may or may not still be.
I have since found out that he now has a son. Doing the math, that son is less than a year younger than what Hanelore would be. Because I don't know the exact mathematics of that boy's birth month or even when Hanelore's due date would have been; I am not sure if "Matt" impregnated another woman towards the end of our relationship or soon after my breaking up with him.
There is a bit of hurt in that. Whether he was cheating on me or started a relationship soon after the break up. I can't help but wonder what was so special about the mother of his son that she was "allowed to" give birth to his child, but I wasn't. Did she have support from "Matt"? Did she have support from her family? Or was she stronger than me and stood up to them all? Is she the woman "Matt" is in a relationship with, or was recently? Does "Matt" look at his son and think that the son may or may not have a sister? Does he regret his non committal attitude toward my pregnancy with Anastasia?
Showing posts with label Bullshit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bullshit. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Which is the Real Punishment; Baby or Abortion?
I was thinking about the comment President Barack Obama made regarding not wanting his daughters to be "punished with a baby," in 2008, during his first presidential election.
While I try to leave political views out of my posts I believe in looking at all angles of an issue. I am not one to get my information from just one source or the other. I refuse to focus on information that leans to one agenda or the other. So I decided to refresh myself with the segment of his speech through a Google search. Supposedly, he wasn't talking about abortion or supporting getting abortions for his daughters. I watched the video clip, read the "explanations" from both sides. Yeah, it's rather iffy and can be taken either way; depending on what the person's view is already. Typical of most politicians. I will let you click the Google search here and decide on your own. Either way, the attitude of being "punished with a baby" seems to be within the pro-abortion side.
This got me to thinking; in comparison to a pregnancy or abortion, which is really the punishment? A baby is a gift. Not a gift from the woman's husband or boyfriend (or fill in other possibilities). But she is a gift from God. Would you take a gift from a friend or beloved family member and say "gee thanks, I really like this, but not right now or not ever" and then tear it up and throw it in the trash?
Remember, I have had abortions also, so I am not judging. Just reflecting and looking back.
I am reminded of when I was in the third grade, being the latchkey kid that I was, while my mom was at work I snuck into her closet to find two Cabbage Patch dolls that she was holding until Christmas. I guess I had misbehaved in school or didn't do my homework or something. So she took one of the dolls back. After opening Christmas presents that year I looked around asking my mom where the other doll was. Oops. She asked me why I thought there was another doll. I had to tell her. She was mad.
Here's my point. Kids get presents from their parents. When they misbehave the parents sometimes take away the gift. There is a similarity to that and abortion, especially when the mother is forced or coerced. Maybe even when the mother was in full decision of the abortion, whether she let anyone know about it. Whether there is pressure from family, boyfriend/husband, friends, or society they are the ones who are telling the woman that "she is a bad little girl" and should have her gift taken away as her punishment. She doesn't deserve to have the baby. Yet, it is packaged as the pregnancy being the punishment. Again, even for the woman who made the decision on her own, she too is being punished by society. Due to society's view on pregnancy during "imperfect circumstances" and abortion.
*I don't quite recall if the actual word "punishment" was used during the "family intervention" but I do remember the allusion to the "fact" that continuing a pregnancy would be a "punishment."
When making the comparisons to parents taking away a gift and pressure to abort it is almost like these YouTube videos out there where parents hammer out or shoot up a kid's expensive tech item such as iPhone, iPad, laptop, Xbox, etc. Kid misused the privilege, that comes along with such tech objects, given to them. So the parents destroy the object, while the kid can do nothing but witness the destruction. Never again to be in a useable condition or to be seen anymore.
Which is quite similar to abortion being used as a punishment. The child is destroyed. Never to be loved. Never to be held. Never for the parents to see or hear his firsts; words, crawling, walking, eating solids, attending school, extracurricular activities, marriage, family of their own. The mother of the aborted child is there to witness the destruction. There is nothing she can do to stop it. Afterwards she just stares at the destruction, not able to anything but cry. Maybe not now, but possibly later.
I have always thought these videos of the parents destroying their kids' high end toys are dumb. The parents could hold onto the toy until the kid straightens up. Give it to charity. Sell it on eBay. Do something where the item is not destroyed and can still be used.
Same with a child where the mother is currently unable take care of the child. She should be encouraged to carry the pregnancy to terms. Her family should be there to support her and the child, given resources on being able to care for the child while being raised by her. If there is no way to do that perhaps someone could step up and take care of the child until the mother is in a situation to raise the child herself. If there is no one able to do that for her then encourage adoption.
Of course a child can not completely be compared to an inanimate object. That is where the similarities differ. Yes, when the Xbox or whatever is being destroyed the kid is going to be upset and cry. But they will not look back years or decades away and mourn for the object that was destroyed. They may possibly realize they were dumb for doing whatever it was that caused the destruction of the object.
As for the abortion she will look back at the abortion and regret it. Regret that there is no way to bring back the child. She may even regret partaking in the action that got her pregnant. Of course I am looking at this from the perspective of a woman who was unmarried at the time. I do realize that there are women who are married at the time of their pregnancies,who abort. My empathy goes out to them, whatever the situation.
Another difference between the parents who destroy inanimate objects and abortions is that the tech gadget is a gift from the earthly parents. While a baby is a gift from God, our Heavenly Father. The gift from the parents is destroyed by the parents who gave them the gift. The gift from God is NOT destroyed by The Father who gave the gift to the family. But is destroyed by the world and the culture.
This is something I am finally coming to terms with. At the time of my first abortion I came to "the 'realization' that there was no God." I never knew I had that thought until sometime last year, in 2014.
*Recent additions after editing
While I try to leave political views out of my posts I believe in looking at all angles of an issue. I am not one to get my information from just one source or the other. I refuse to focus on information that leans to one agenda or the other. So I decided to refresh myself with the segment of his speech through a Google search. Supposedly, he wasn't talking about abortion or supporting getting abortions for his daughters. I watched the video clip, read the "explanations" from both sides. Yeah, it's rather iffy and can be taken either way; depending on what the person's view is already. Typical of most politicians. I will let you click the Google search here and decide on your own. Either way, the attitude of being "punished with a baby" seems to be within the pro-abortion side.
This got me to thinking; in comparison to a pregnancy or abortion, which is really the punishment? A baby is a gift. Not a gift from the woman's husband or boyfriend (or fill in other possibilities). But she is a gift from God. Would you take a gift from a friend or beloved family member and say "gee thanks, I really like this, but not right now or not ever" and then tear it up and throw it in the trash?
Remember, I have had abortions also, so I am not judging. Just reflecting and looking back.
I am reminded of when I was in the third grade, being the latchkey kid that I was, while my mom was at work I snuck into her closet to find two Cabbage Patch dolls that she was holding until Christmas. I guess I had misbehaved in school or didn't do my homework or something. So she took one of the dolls back. After opening Christmas presents that year I looked around asking my mom where the other doll was. Oops. She asked me why I thought there was another doll. I had to tell her. She was mad.
Here's my point. Kids get presents from their parents. When they misbehave the parents sometimes take away the gift. There is a similarity to that and abortion, especially when the mother is forced or coerced. Maybe even when the mother was in full decision of the abortion, whether she let anyone know about it. Whether there is pressure from family, boyfriend/husband, friends, or society they are the ones who are telling the woman that "she is a bad little girl" and should have her gift taken away as her punishment. She doesn't deserve to have the baby. Yet, it is packaged as the pregnancy being the punishment. Again, even for the woman who made the decision on her own, she too is being punished by society. Due to society's view on pregnancy during "imperfect circumstances" and abortion.
*I don't quite recall if the actual word "punishment" was used during the "family intervention" but I do remember the allusion to the "fact" that continuing a pregnancy would be a "punishment."
When making the comparisons to parents taking away a gift and pressure to abort it is almost like these YouTube videos out there where parents hammer out or shoot up a kid's expensive tech item such as iPhone, iPad, laptop, Xbox, etc. Kid misused the privilege, that comes along with such tech objects, given to them. So the parents destroy the object, while the kid can do nothing but witness the destruction. Never again to be in a useable condition or to be seen anymore.
Which is quite similar to abortion being used as a punishment. The child is destroyed. Never to be loved. Never to be held. Never for the parents to see or hear his firsts; words, crawling, walking, eating solids, attending school, extracurricular activities, marriage, family of their own. The mother of the aborted child is there to witness the destruction. There is nothing she can do to stop it. Afterwards she just stares at the destruction, not able to anything but cry. Maybe not now, but possibly later.
I have always thought these videos of the parents destroying their kids' high end toys are dumb. The parents could hold onto the toy until the kid straightens up. Give it to charity. Sell it on eBay. Do something where the item is not destroyed and can still be used.
Same with a child where the mother is currently unable take care of the child. She should be encouraged to carry the pregnancy to terms. Her family should be there to support her and the child, given resources on being able to care for the child while being raised by her. If there is no way to do that perhaps someone could step up and take care of the child until the mother is in a situation to raise the child herself. If there is no one able to do that for her then encourage adoption.
Of course a child can not completely be compared to an inanimate object. That is where the similarities differ. Yes, when the Xbox or whatever is being destroyed the kid is going to be upset and cry. But they will not look back years or decades away and mourn for the object that was destroyed. They may possibly realize they were dumb for doing whatever it was that caused the destruction of the object.
As for the abortion she will look back at the abortion and regret it. Regret that there is no way to bring back the child. She may even regret partaking in the action that got her pregnant. Of course I am looking at this from the perspective of a woman who was unmarried at the time. I do realize that there are women who are married at the time of their pregnancies,who abort. My empathy goes out to them, whatever the situation.
Another difference between the parents who destroy inanimate objects and abortions is that the tech gadget is a gift from the earthly parents. While a baby is a gift from God, our Heavenly Father. The gift from the parents is destroyed by the parents who gave them the gift. The gift from God is NOT destroyed by The Father who gave the gift to the family. But is destroyed by the world and the culture.
This is something I am finally coming to terms with. At the time of my first abortion I came to "the 'realization' that there was no God." I never knew I had that thought until sometime last year, in 2014.
*Recent additions after editing
Friday, May 22, 2015
7 Absurd Planned Parenthood Tweets
From the category of "if weren't so pathetic it would be funny, sort of," going through my Twitter feed I came across this link to a Christian Post article with screen shots of Planned Parenthood tweets. Basically it is the usual drivel you would expect from them and the pro-abortion crowd.
7 Absurd Planned Parenthood Tweets
1. The only person who matters, when having an abortion, is "me."
2. Sixty percent of voters are opposed to late term abortions?
3. Planned Parenthood loves Moms
4. Bring back our girls.
5. Use condoms every time.
6. Protecting your character on prom night is despicable.
To view the article with the screenshots and author's commentary click here.7. Women need abortions for Valentine's Day.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Straight Talk
Still writing from the sick bed today. Drinking hot tea with honey. And that is fine. It is already known I have a Twitter account. As Twitter only allows up to 140 characters sometimes I have thoughts that are more than 140 characters, yet those thoughts are rather short for a blog post. So I may just start a series of "Daily Twitter Thoughts." Just a running rambling of thoughts on my mind.
I want to be able to do this so as it doesn't come of boring. I also don't want to come off as a "crazy cat lady." I need to be careful with my words. As has been stated, I hope and pray for the ongoing story of my journey to be a help to others who have gone through the same things as me; along with preventing someone else to be in the position I currently am in. Or those who know someone who has had an abortion or possibly may have.
If I look crazy to those in the past experience camp, they may think they are crazy for their feelings. If I look crazy to those in the considering camp they will just assume my situation is an anomaly and they could never be weird like me. Anyways, I am going to try to figure out how to do this.
I want to be able to do this so as it doesn't come of boring. I also don't want to come off as a "crazy cat lady." I need to be careful with my words. As has been stated, I hope and pray for the ongoing story of my journey to be a help to others who have gone through the same things as me; along with preventing someone else to be in the position I currently am in. Or those who know someone who has had an abortion or possibly may have.
If I look crazy to those in the past experience camp, they may think they are crazy for their feelings. If I look crazy to those in the considering camp they will just assume my situation is an anomaly and they could never be weird like me. Anyways, I am going to try to figure out how to do this.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) EDITED
Below is the edited add ons; with an * in front.
So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet. I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet. But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past. It will not bring my babies back. So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.
Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),
I don't know you. You don't know me. But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance. You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy. You are searching the internet looking for advice. You are unsure what to do. Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption. You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do. Some of them you know personally. Others are just noise in the media. You have no room in your mind to think. Girl, I know. I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella. Rings and wedding plans already made. Perhaps you are in a casual relationship. Maybe you are already married already with or without other children. Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared. Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception. My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion. Saying it is the only way or the best way. You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do. The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue. It's not a person. It is so small that it can't really be a person. Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body? Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now. Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows. They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby. Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him. Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption. Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family.
Maybe you are on the other spectrum. Maybe you do want an abortion. Maybe those around you do support your decision. Maybe they don't. Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization. I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life. So I can't give the best advice that others can give you. But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion. And I do know how the after effects will be. Once it is done there is no turning back. There is no bringing that baby back. Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion. Time does not heal. Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later. To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side. This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of raising the child or releasing to adoption. There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet. I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet. But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past. It will not bring my babies back. So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.
Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),
I don't know you. You don't know me. But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance. You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy. You are searching the internet looking for advice. You are unsure what to do. Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption. You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do. Some of them you know personally. Others are just noise in the media. You have no room in your mind to think. Girl, I know. I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella. Rings and wedding plans already made. Perhaps you are in a casual relationship. Maybe you are already married already with or without other children. Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared. Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception. My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion. Saying it is the only way or the best way. You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do. The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue. It's not a person. It is so small that it can't really be a person. Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body? Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now. Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows. They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby. Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him. Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption. Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family.
Maybe you are on the other spectrum. Maybe you do want an abortion. Maybe those around you do support your decision. Maybe they don't. Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization. I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life. So I can't give the best advice that others can give you. But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion. And I do know how the after effects will be. Once it is done there is no turning back. There is no bringing that baby back. Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion. Time does not heal. Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later. To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side. This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of raising the child or releasing to adoption. There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Damn! That Hurt!
More of my story, previous posts in chronological order;
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
"Matt" Didn't Care
Her Views Turned on a Dime
This is probably the scariest part of my story in regards to the first abortion. I have told of all the events leading up to this moment.
The following may contain "colorful language" and graphic subject matter. This is also where memories seem to be the haziest.
After relenting to the having the abortion done my mother came to pick me up to take me to the town she was living in. See Her Views Turned on a Dime for more on my mother's change of heart in regards to my pregnancy. I do not remember much about the ride to her apartment. I do recall her "reassuring talk" about the daughter of one of her friends from work who had an abortion. When I asked my mother "what if this is the only chance I could have a baby" she responded with telling me about the girl's abortion. She had said that when the girl's sister was pregnant she told her mother, my mother's work friend, that the baby she was carrying could be "the spirit of her sister's aborted baby." I have recently been seeing this whole "spirit of the aborted baby come back in a new baby" sort of thing in a few "words of comfort" stories. I don't think I actually bought it then, and I sure as hell don't buy it now! But at that time, I was grabbing at straws and trying to believe anything while nothing seemed believable. S
he also told me that I would have plenty of chances to have more children and would be married and settle down. How did she know that? Did she really believe what she was saying? The future is no guarantee.
I do not know if "Matt" knew about me visiting my mother or not. I may have told him, I may have not. The next day we went to the abortion clinic. I do not know if the trauma has blocked out my memory or if I had been drugged, possibly to not notice any protestors or just basic avoid backing out. Either way, I do not recall the drive to the clinic. Though I do know exactly where it was. The locale was inside an older plaza type building. It is now another business, with a Planned Parenthood across the street in a newer building. I do not recall the walking in. I do not recall anything about the waiting area. I do not know if I sat in the waiting area or if I was ushered directly into the "procedure" room. I do not know if there were other people in the waiting area. I do not remember filling out the paper work. I do not know if my mother stayed in the waiting room or not.
The only time I was told anything about what would happen was in the "procedure" room. I was told by someone I assumed was a nurse that they would be applying local anesthesia to my cervix. Then use a few instruments to dilate the cervix. Then use a vacuum aspirator to pull the baby out. They made it sound like the baby would be pulled out in one piece. Not that that makes it any better, just less gory than the reality of it being pulled out in pieces. That seems about right. I don't think I was really listening. My body was on the exam table, but I have no clue where the hell my mind was. I do not recall actually seeing the instruments or given many details.
I do not recall when the doctor was in the room. He may have been there as soon as I arrived in the room or later after the anesthesia. Or not there at all. I really don't know.
They told me it wouldn't hurt a bit and it would just be a pinch. LIARS! It freakin hurt like hell!!! I literally felt like every damn organ was being sucked out! It was at that moment that I decided there is no God. The moment of my rejection of God is only a revelation I have only realized until now.
I must have gotten up off the table. That or I floated to the doorway. Either option is a possibility. The nurse type lady told me that I would need to sit in a recovery room. I had horrible cramping in my abdomen, bowels and rectal area. The best way to describe it was like my butthole was getting ready to release an atomic fart, but something was obstructing it. I recall making a dumb joke that I wasn't sure if I wanted to puke or take a dump. That is the last thing I remember. Perhaps I used the restroom, perhaps I didn't. I do not even remembering being in the recovery room. I do not know if I slept, read a magazine, watched TV or stared at a wall until my mother picked me up. I do not remember her taking me from the clinic.
I do not recall how long I was at my mother's apartment. I don't know if I slept or what I did during that time. The only thing I clearly remember after that was going to a Wal-Mart with my mother. We were in line waiting to purchase our items. Behind us was a couple about my age. They had a baby in a stroller with them. The baby was crying. Basic fussing, like babies do, not causing too much of a scene. I was about ready to burst into tears. I asked my mother for the car keys to wait in the car.
I bolted out of that store so fast. The moment I got in the car I bawled like never before. Tears streaming down my face and hyperventilating in my breathing. My mother got in the car. Asked me what was wrong. Really? She couldn't put the two together? I said something to the effect of "I killed my baby" or "I will never see my baby" or both of those things. Her response? Oh, that's all. I thought maybe the baby was annoying you and something about I did the right thing, it was no big deal, I would get over it, etc. Then and there I decided that the only thing to do was to be numb about the situation.
The aftermath...To be continued...
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
"Matt" Didn't Care
Her Views Turned on a Dime
This is probably the scariest part of my story in regards to the first abortion. I have told of all the events leading up to this moment.
The following may contain "colorful language" and graphic subject matter. This is also where memories seem to be the haziest.
After relenting to the having the abortion done my mother came to pick me up to take me to the town she was living in. See Her Views Turned on a Dime for more on my mother's change of heart in regards to my pregnancy. I do not remember much about the ride to her apartment. I do recall her "reassuring talk" about the daughter of one of her friends from work who had an abortion. When I asked my mother "what if this is the only chance I could have a baby" she responded with telling me about the girl's abortion. She had said that when the girl's sister was pregnant she told her mother, my mother's work friend, that the baby she was carrying could be "the spirit of her sister's aborted baby." I have recently been seeing this whole "spirit of the aborted baby come back in a new baby" sort of thing in a few "words of comfort" stories. I don't think I actually bought it then, and I sure as hell don't buy it now! But at that time, I was grabbing at straws and trying to believe anything while nothing seemed believable. S
he also told me that I would have plenty of chances to have more children and would be married and settle down. How did she know that? Did she really believe what she was saying? The future is no guarantee.
I do not know if "Matt" knew about me visiting my mother or not. I may have told him, I may have not. The next day we went to the abortion clinic. I do not know if the trauma has blocked out my memory or if I had been drugged, possibly to not notice any protestors or just basic avoid backing out. Either way, I do not recall the drive to the clinic. Though I do know exactly where it was. The locale was inside an older plaza type building. It is now another business, with a Planned Parenthood across the street in a newer building. I do not recall the walking in. I do not recall anything about the waiting area. I do not know if I sat in the waiting area or if I was ushered directly into the "procedure" room. I do not know if there were other people in the waiting area. I do not remember filling out the paper work. I do not know if my mother stayed in the waiting room or not.
The only time I was told anything about what would happen was in the "procedure" room. I was told by someone I assumed was a nurse that they would be applying local anesthesia to my cervix. Then use a few instruments to dilate the cervix. Then use a vacuum aspirator to pull the baby out. They made it sound like the baby would be pulled out in one piece. Not that that makes it any better, just less gory than the reality of it being pulled out in pieces. That seems about right. I don't think I was really listening. My body was on the exam table, but I have no clue where the hell my mind was. I do not recall actually seeing the instruments or given many details.
I do not recall when the doctor was in the room. He may have been there as soon as I arrived in the room or later after the anesthesia. Or not there at all. I really don't know.
They told me it wouldn't hurt a bit and it would just be a pinch. LIARS! It freakin hurt like hell!!! I literally felt like every damn organ was being sucked out! It was at that moment that I decided there is no God. The moment of my rejection of God is only a revelation I have only realized until now.
I must have gotten up off the table. That or I floated to the doorway. Either option is a possibility. The nurse type lady told me that I would need to sit in a recovery room. I had horrible cramping in my abdomen, bowels and rectal area. The best way to describe it was like my butthole was getting ready to release an atomic fart, but something was obstructing it. I recall making a dumb joke that I wasn't sure if I wanted to puke or take a dump. That is the last thing I remember. Perhaps I used the restroom, perhaps I didn't. I do not even remembering being in the recovery room. I do not know if I slept, read a magazine, watched TV or stared at a wall until my mother picked me up. I do not remember her taking me from the clinic.
I do not recall how long I was at my mother's apartment. I don't know if I slept or what I did during that time. The only thing I clearly remember after that was going to a Wal-Mart with my mother. We were in line waiting to purchase our items. Behind us was a couple about my age. They had a baby in a stroller with them. The baby was crying. Basic fussing, like babies do, not causing too much of a scene. I was about ready to burst into tears. I asked my mother for the car keys to wait in the car.
I bolted out of that store so fast. The moment I got in the car I bawled like never before. Tears streaming down my face and hyperventilating in my breathing. My mother got in the car. Asked me what was wrong. Really? She couldn't put the two together? I said something to the effect of "I killed my baby" or "I will never see my baby" or both of those things. Her response? Oh, that's all. I thought maybe the baby was annoying you and something about I did the right thing, it was no big deal, I would get over it, etc. Then and there I decided that the only thing to do was to be numb about the situation.
The aftermath...To be continued...
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