That's a question I asked myself last night while trying to sleep.
I sometimes have dreams about getting back together with "Matt." Many times it comes to fruition. But then he disappears. Or one of us we will try to contact each other, yet missing a connection. We are never parents in any of the dreams. I never really gave much thought to any of these dreams, other than wonder where that came from after waking up.
Until last night. I was thinking about him. Thought about the good times and the bad times. And yes, there were good times. But does he remember any of them? Does he remember the woman he dated for a year and a half? Does he remember the woman whom he impregnated? Does he ever wonder if the child really was lost to miscarriage? Did he ever wonder if she was pregnant before breaking up with him? If he thought yes, did he wonder what happened to that child?
Does he even remember her name? Does he remember what she looks like? Does he remember that he was her first...everything?
I remember the first time he kissed me. I giggled. It was nothing against him. I wasn't laughing at him. I was almost twenty years old, and had never been kissed! Heck, I had never even dated anyone! It was a nervous reaction. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to say it back. He was rather offended by that. I wasn't sure if I did love him. I didn't know what love is. Perhaps I still don't. I did end up reciprocating the sentiment. But did I mean it? Did he mean it? I don't know. Perhaps, on both accounts.
I remember the first time he tried to have sex with me. I remember being swept away and taken in. Almost relenting. Then pulling back. I remember the first time of surrendering to him. The details of which would not be appropriate to speak of.
During the breakdown of 2014 I did check on Facebook to see if he had a profile set up. Not really that I wanted to reconnect, just checking to see if he was on there. What would I even say to him? Why would I tell him that I was contacting him after all this time? At that time he was in a relationship. He may or may not still be.
I have since found out that he now has a son. Doing the math, that son is less than a year younger than what Hanelore would be. Because I don't know the exact mathematics of that boy's birth month or even when Hanelore's due date would have been; I am not sure if "Matt" impregnated another woman towards the end of our relationship or soon after my breaking up with him.
There is a bit of hurt in that. Whether he was cheating on me or started a relationship soon after the break up. I can't help but wonder what was so special about the mother of his son that she was "allowed to" give birth to his child, but I wasn't. Did she have support from "Matt"? Did she have support from her family? Or was she stronger than me and stood up to them all? Is she the woman "Matt" is in a relationship with, or was recently? Does "Matt" look at his son and think that the son may or may not have a sister? Does he regret his non committal attitude toward my pregnancy with Anastasia?
Showing posts with label Premarital Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Premarital Sex. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Which is the Real Punishment; Baby or Abortion?
I was thinking about the comment President Barack Obama made regarding not wanting his daughters to be "punished with a baby," in 2008, during his first presidential election.
While I try to leave political views out of my posts I believe in looking at all angles of an issue. I am not one to get my information from just one source or the other. I refuse to focus on information that leans to one agenda or the other. So I decided to refresh myself with the segment of his speech through a Google search. Supposedly, he wasn't talking about abortion or supporting getting abortions for his daughters. I watched the video clip, read the "explanations" from both sides. Yeah, it's rather iffy and can be taken either way; depending on what the person's view is already. Typical of most politicians. I will let you click the Google search here and decide on your own. Either way, the attitude of being "punished with a baby" seems to be within the pro-abortion side.
This got me to thinking; in comparison to a pregnancy or abortion, which is really the punishment? A baby is a gift. Not a gift from the woman's husband or boyfriend (or fill in other possibilities). But she is a gift from God. Would you take a gift from a friend or beloved family member and say "gee thanks, I really like this, but not right now or not ever" and then tear it up and throw it in the trash?
Remember, I have had abortions also, so I am not judging. Just reflecting and looking back.
I am reminded of when I was in the third grade, being the latchkey kid that I was, while my mom was at work I snuck into her closet to find two Cabbage Patch dolls that she was holding until Christmas. I guess I had misbehaved in school or didn't do my homework or something. So she took one of the dolls back. After opening Christmas presents that year I looked around asking my mom where the other doll was. Oops. She asked me why I thought there was another doll. I had to tell her. She was mad.
Here's my point. Kids get presents from their parents. When they misbehave the parents sometimes take away the gift. There is a similarity to that and abortion, especially when the mother is forced or coerced. Maybe even when the mother was in full decision of the abortion, whether she let anyone know about it. Whether there is pressure from family, boyfriend/husband, friends, or society they are the ones who are telling the woman that "she is a bad little girl" and should have her gift taken away as her punishment. She doesn't deserve to have the baby. Yet, it is packaged as the pregnancy being the punishment. Again, even for the woman who made the decision on her own, she too is being punished by society. Due to society's view on pregnancy during "imperfect circumstances" and abortion.
*I don't quite recall if the actual word "punishment" was used during the "family intervention" but I do remember the allusion to the "fact" that continuing a pregnancy would be a "punishment."
When making the comparisons to parents taking away a gift and pressure to abort it is almost like these YouTube videos out there where parents hammer out or shoot up a kid's expensive tech item such as iPhone, iPad, laptop, Xbox, etc. Kid misused the privilege, that comes along with such tech objects, given to them. So the parents destroy the object, while the kid can do nothing but witness the destruction. Never again to be in a useable condition or to be seen anymore.
Which is quite similar to abortion being used as a punishment. The child is destroyed. Never to be loved. Never to be held. Never for the parents to see or hear his firsts; words, crawling, walking, eating solids, attending school, extracurricular activities, marriage, family of their own. The mother of the aborted child is there to witness the destruction. There is nothing she can do to stop it. Afterwards she just stares at the destruction, not able to anything but cry. Maybe not now, but possibly later.
I have always thought these videos of the parents destroying their kids' high end toys are dumb. The parents could hold onto the toy until the kid straightens up. Give it to charity. Sell it on eBay. Do something where the item is not destroyed and can still be used.
Same with a child where the mother is currently unable take care of the child. She should be encouraged to carry the pregnancy to terms. Her family should be there to support her and the child, given resources on being able to care for the child while being raised by her. If there is no way to do that perhaps someone could step up and take care of the child until the mother is in a situation to raise the child herself. If there is no one able to do that for her then encourage adoption.
Of course a child can not completely be compared to an inanimate object. That is where the similarities differ. Yes, when the Xbox or whatever is being destroyed the kid is going to be upset and cry. But they will not look back years or decades away and mourn for the object that was destroyed. They may possibly realize they were dumb for doing whatever it was that caused the destruction of the object.
As for the abortion she will look back at the abortion and regret it. Regret that there is no way to bring back the child. She may even regret partaking in the action that got her pregnant. Of course I am looking at this from the perspective of a woman who was unmarried at the time. I do realize that there are women who are married at the time of their pregnancies,who abort. My empathy goes out to them, whatever the situation.
Another difference between the parents who destroy inanimate objects and abortions is that the tech gadget is a gift from the earthly parents. While a baby is a gift from God, our Heavenly Father. The gift from the parents is destroyed by the parents who gave them the gift. The gift from God is NOT destroyed by The Father who gave the gift to the family. But is destroyed by the world and the culture.
This is something I am finally coming to terms with. At the time of my first abortion I came to "the 'realization' that there was no God." I never knew I had that thought until sometime last year, in 2014.
*Recent additions after editing
While I try to leave political views out of my posts I believe in looking at all angles of an issue. I am not one to get my information from just one source or the other. I refuse to focus on information that leans to one agenda or the other. So I decided to refresh myself with the segment of his speech through a Google search. Supposedly, he wasn't talking about abortion or supporting getting abortions for his daughters. I watched the video clip, read the "explanations" from both sides. Yeah, it's rather iffy and can be taken either way; depending on what the person's view is already. Typical of most politicians. I will let you click the Google search here and decide on your own. Either way, the attitude of being "punished with a baby" seems to be within the pro-abortion side.
This got me to thinking; in comparison to a pregnancy or abortion, which is really the punishment? A baby is a gift. Not a gift from the woman's husband or boyfriend (or fill in other possibilities). But she is a gift from God. Would you take a gift from a friend or beloved family member and say "gee thanks, I really like this, but not right now or not ever" and then tear it up and throw it in the trash?
Remember, I have had abortions also, so I am not judging. Just reflecting and looking back.
I am reminded of when I was in the third grade, being the latchkey kid that I was, while my mom was at work I snuck into her closet to find two Cabbage Patch dolls that she was holding until Christmas. I guess I had misbehaved in school or didn't do my homework or something. So she took one of the dolls back. After opening Christmas presents that year I looked around asking my mom where the other doll was. Oops. She asked me why I thought there was another doll. I had to tell her. She was mad.
Here's my point. Kids get presents from their parents. When they misbehave the parents sometimes take away the gift. There is a similarity to that and abortion, especially when the mother is forced or coerced. Maybe even when the mother was in full decision of the abortion, whether she let anyone know about it. Whether there is pressure from family, boyfriend/husband, friends, or society they are the ones who are telling the woman that "she is a bad little girl" and should have her gift taken away as her punishment. She doesn't deserve to have the baby. Yet, it is packaged as the pregnancy being the punishment. Again, even for the woman who made the decision on her own, she too is being punished by society. Due to society's view on pregnancy during "imperfect circumstances" and abortion.
*I don't quite recall if the actual word "punishment" was used during the "family intervention" but I do remember the allusion to the "fact" that continuing a pregnancy would be a "punishment."
When making the comparisons to parents taking away a gift and pressure to abort it is almost like these YouTube videos out there where parents hammer out or shoot up a kid's expensive tech item such as iPhone, iPad, laptop, Xbox, etc. Kid misused the privilege, that comes along with such tech objects, given to them. So the parents destroy the object, while the kid can do nothing but witness the destruction. Never again to be in a useable condition or to be seen anymore.
Which is quite similar to abortion being used as a punishment. The child is destroyed. Never to be loved. Never to be held. Never for the parents to see or hear his firsts; words, crawling, walking, eating solids, attending school, extracurricular activities, marriage, family of their own. The mother of the aborted child is there to witness the destruction. There is nothing she can do to stop it. Afterwards she just stares at the destruction, not able to anything but cry. Maybe not now, but possibly later.
I have always thought these videos of the parents destroying their kids' high end toys are dumb. The parents could hold onto the toy until the kid straightens up. Give it to charity. Sell it on eBay. Do something where the item is not destroyed and can still be used.
Same with a child where the mother is currently unable take care of the child. She should be encouraged to carry the pregnancy to terms. Her family should be there to support her and the child, given resources on being able to care for the child while being raised by her. If there is no way to do that perhaps someone could step up and take care of the child until the mother is in a situation to raise the child herself. If there is no one able to do that for her then encourage adoption.
Of course a child can not completely be compared to an inanimate object. That is where the similarities differ. Yes, when the Xbox or whatever is being destroyed the kid is going to be upset and cry. But they will not look back years or decades away and mourn for the object that was destroyed. They may possibly realize they were dumb for doing whatever it was that caused the destruction of the object.
As for the abortion she will look back at the abortion and regret it. Regret that there is no way to bring back the child. She may even regret partaking in the action that got her pregnant. Of course I am looking at this from the perspective of a woman who was unmarried at the time. I do realize that there are women who are married at the time of their pregnancies,who abort. My empathy goes out to them, whatever the situation.
Another difference between the parents who destroy inanimate objects and abortions is that the tech gadget is a gift from the earthly parents. While a baby is a gift from God, our Heavenly Father. The gift from the parents is destroyed by the parents who gave them the gift. The gift from God is NOT destroyed by The Father who gave the gift to the family. But is destroyed by the world and the culture.
This is something I am finally coming to terms with. At the time of my first abortion I came to "the 'realization' that there was no God." I never knew I had that thought until sometime last year, in 2014.
*Recent additions after editing
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) EDITED
Below is the edited add ons; with an * in front.
So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet. I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet. But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past. It will not bring my babies back. So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.
Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),
I don't know you. You don't know me. But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance. You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy. You are searching the internet looking for advice. You are unsure what to do. Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption. You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do. Some of them you know personally. Others are just noise in the media. You have no room in your mind to think. Girl, I know. I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella. Rings and wedding plans already made. Perhaps you are in a casual relationship. Maybe you are already married already with or without other children. Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared. Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception. My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion. Saying it is the only way or the best way. You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do. The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue. It's not a person. It is so small that it can't really be a person. Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body? Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now. Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows. They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby. Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him. Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption. Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family.
Maybe you are on the other spectrum. Maybe you do want an abortion. Maybe those around you do support your decision. Maybe they don't. Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization. I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life. So I can't give the best advice that others can give you. But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion. And I do know how the after effects will be. Once it is done there is no turning back. There is no bringing that baby back. Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion. Time does not heal. Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later. To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side. This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of raising the child or releasing to adoption. There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet. I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet. But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past. It will not bring my babies back. So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.
Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),
I don't know you. You don't know me. But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance. You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy. You are searching the internet looking for advice. You are unsure what to do. Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption. You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do. Some of them you know personally. Others are just noise in the media. You have no room in your mind to think. Girl, I know. I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella. Rings and wedding plans already made. Perhaps you are in a casual relationship. Maybe you are already married already with or without other children. Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared. Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception. My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion. Saying it is the only way or the best way. You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do. The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue. It's not a person. It is so small that it can't really be a person. Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body? Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now. Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows. They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby. Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him. Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption. Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family.
Maybe you are on the other spectrum. Maybe you do want an abortion. Maybe those around you do support your decision. Maybe they don't. Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization. I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life. So I can't give the best advice that others can give you. But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion. And I do know how the after effects will be. Once it is done there is no turning back. There is no bringing that baby back. Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion. Time does not heal. Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later. To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side. This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of raising the child or releasing to adoption. There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Her Views Turned on a Dime
Continuation of my abortion story starting at I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception and "Matt" Didn't Care
I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion. No, she does not know about the blog. While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.
As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive. Or so I thought. As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound. I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center. I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia. That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl. Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl. To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time. I think we were both a little shell shocked. We had a conversation in the car. I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me. But there was no talk of abortion.
Here again is where my memories are fuzzy. During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town. Possibly twice. During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area. She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process. And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby. She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks." What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move. How my body would change during the preparations. Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.
Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time. One was in regards to him wanting oral sex. While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable. And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique. Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying. Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive. I don't know. She showed compassion. Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant. I don't know how true that is. Hey, Google it! Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby.
As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day. She decided to check my mail. I had received a letter from DMV. My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets. The revoction was for about 30 days. She blew up. Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby? How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me? She told me I was going to have to have an abortion. Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born. I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's. She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion. We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion. I was giving her reasons why not. She was giving reasons why. My grandma and aunt were parroting her. I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family. One was an aunt on her mother's side. The other was one of my aunts, father's sister. And of course how they are just fine now. She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages. How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly. And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly. Or some mumbo jumbo like that. I was in tears, feeling trapped. I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn. She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me. Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born. Really!? Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child? Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild!
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy. And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter. Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating. They were pro-life in their teaching. They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info. I had repeated some of what I had learned. Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there. And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school. I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place. She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective.
I was suggesting adoption. She didn't like that idea. She did not want my child to grow up with another family. Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family. Telling me she could be abused. I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life. She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up. She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born. That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry. Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side. Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script. It wouldn't hurt at all. They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out. It's only a clump of cells. It's only the size of a dime. She wouldn't feel a thing. She wouldn't be harmed. By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along. As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her. But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide." In that short time I was alone with my thoughts. Deep down, I didn't want to do it. But I didn't know what to do. I knew about adoption. I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services. Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic. I had no idea who to call. I didn't know who to turn to for help. Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had. She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes. I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center. Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet. It may be too late for me. But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help. Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time. So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing
In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father. Just a note, they were divorced. She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views. When actually it was the opposite. He was on his third marriage. They were living in another state, with many other states in between. Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships. I had a half brother from this union. Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born. My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born. Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either. Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt." And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption. My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up. True, he wasn't there much for me growing up. But everyone is allowed redemption. Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine! I will have the abortion to make you happy." Her response was "it's not for me. It's for you to decide." What!? If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work. That, that is true choice! But alas, it was never to be.
To be continued...
I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion. No, she does not know about the blog. While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.
As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive. Or so I thought. As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound. I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center. I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia. That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl. Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl. To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time. I think we were both a little shell shocked. We had a conversation in the car. I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me. But there was no talk of abortion.
Here again is where my memories are fuzzy. During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town. Possibly twice. During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area. She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process. And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby. She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks." What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move. How my body would change during the preparations. Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.
Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time. One was in regards to him wanting oral sex. While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable. And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique. Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying. Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive. I don't know. She showed compassion. Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant. I don't know how true that is. Hey, Google it! Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby.
As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day. She decided to check my mail. I had received a letter from DMV. My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets. The revoction was for about 30 days. She blew up. Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby? How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me? She told me I was going to have to have an abortion. Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born. I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's. She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion. We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion. I was giving her reasons why not. She was giving reasons why. My grandma and aunt were parroting her. I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family. One was an aunt on her mother's side. The other was one of my aunts, father's sister. And of course how they are just fine now. She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages. How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly. And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly. Or some mumbo jumbo like that. I was in tears, feeling trapped. I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn. She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me. Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born. Really!? Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child? Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild!
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy. And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter. Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating. They were pro-life in their teaching. They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info. I had repeated some of what I had learned. Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there. And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school. I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place. She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective.
I was suggesting adoption. She didn't like that idea. She did not want my child to grow up with another family. Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family. Telling me she could be abused. I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life. She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up. She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born. That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry. Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side. Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script. It wouldn't hurt at all. They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out. It's only a clump of cells. It's only the size of a dime. She wouldn't feel a thing. She wouldn't be harmed. By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along. As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her. But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide." In that short time I was alone with my thoughts. Deep down, I didn't want to do it. But I didn't know what to do. I knew about adoption. I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services. Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic. I had no idea who to call. I didn't know who to turn to for help. Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had. She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes. I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center. Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet. It may be too late for me. But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help. Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time. So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing
In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father. Just a note, they were divorced. She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views. When actually it was the opposite. He was on his third marriage. They were living in another state, with many other states in between. Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships. I had a half brother from this union. Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born. My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born. Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either. Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt." And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption. My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up. True, he wasn't there much for me growing up. But everyone is allowed redemption. Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine! I will have the abortion to make you happy." Her response was "it's not for me. It's for you to decide." What!? If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work. That, that is true choice! But alas, it was never to be.
To be continued...
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