Get Up and Dust Off

No, that's not like telling someone to "forget and move on." Nor is it asking of anyone to do this. Simply talking to myself. Been about half a year since my last posting. Was busy with work and gardening most of the spring and summer. More on that later. Yes, it is true that I stated I had a breakthrough. And yes I really did.

But does it mean that everything is hunky-dory, happy, smiley all the time? No. Does it mean I will sometimes have setbacks? Yes. Does it mean I will sometimes memory recalls? Yes. Does it mean I will sometimes have bouts of anxiety? Yes.

Look, I am a realist. I can never be positive NOR negative at all times. It's just not within me. My mantra is like the line from The Facts of Life theme song; "You take the good, you take the bad. The facts of life, the facts of life."

During the past six months I've had ups and downs. Nothing extreme, one way or the other. Started gardening. Or should I say the first time I have actually stuck with it? Was all excited; ordering seeds, imagining the yummy veggies that would grow in my own yard, the happy arrival, sowing some seeds indoors, waiting for better weather to direct sow the rest outside. But not everything went as planned; unpredictable weather, wind storm taking down greenhouse and with it quite a few seedlings, bugs and slugs.
The negativity of gardening would bring me down. Sometimes wanting to give up. From which I would take a break. Sometimes I had to force myself to do the simple things like watering the plants. Wondering why I even bothered. Would have tight knots of anxiety at the thought of wandering out into the garden. But once I got over the hump my enthusiasm would come back. Would stay outside as long as I could to make the yard and garden all pretty.
As I posted a couple years ago, the neighbors' lawn equipment would give me anxiety. Not much of a problem this year. There were a few times I would pace about, wanting the noise to stop. But all in all, no big deal.

Some stress at work. But nothing beyond normal. Mostly, it's a job. Would be too tired to partake in local summer festivities. Took part in a few church activities. Everything about church is terrific.

While majority of the time wasn't bothered with much in regard to the abortion. I do recall a setback on the Fourth of July. As long time readers recall, this was the date I broke up with "Matt" just before the second abortion. Not that I was dwelling on it before the anxiety. The anxiety happened first. Was pretty much fine before that, and then *whomp*! Let it ride out. Then I was fine again.
Anxiety showed up again around Labor Day weekend. This would be the anniversary of having one of my cats put down. Of all the cats that have passed on his death I took the hardest. Sometimes, looking back, I think transposed my feelings of the abortion onto the grieving of his death. Though this happened before the flashbacks, the memories were readying to bubble up.

I am still healing. I will probably always be in some sort of state of healing. I don't think this is something you can totally forget once you remember. The thing to do is move forward. Not "move on." Trying to "move on" can be futile. Causes nothing but frustration when memory recalls come up. I think that was one of my biggest mistakes for the first year or so after the flashbacks.
Sometimes I will fall. I will get back up. Dust myself off. Move forward on my journey. I will probably fall again and get back up again. With many repeats for the rest of my time on this earth. I have just learned to take that prospect in stride.

I really couldn't get through this without faith in God. Mostly I do my daily devotional routine and read from scripture, keeping my focus on Jesus. But if I am having a particular rough time with things I will take time to pray and ask God respite from my anxiety.
One comfort I receive is from the "Categories of the Psalms" in the back of "Reading the Psalms with Luther." I will choose a few suggested verses from a category that matches with my current thoughts and what's going on at the moment. This was a suggestion by someone I consider a friend and confidant. Oh "The Golden Girls"!

I'm Mad at God!

Well, not really. Well, yes, maybe. I don't know.

I am coming up over a cold that had me bed ridden for a while, other than going to work. But not only that, it is around about the time my first child (Anastasia) would have been conceived twenty years ago. Funny thing about when you are sick in bed; not much you can do except sleep, read, watch online movies, and think. The thinking is what can sometimes knock you down. Heck, even the sleeping, if you are notorious for weird dreams. Which I am.

Been having buttload of baby and young child dreams. Nothing I can really remember much of. Sometimes it can just be simply giving birth. Having the baby in my life, yet being kept at arms lengths from being able to hold her. An older child being introduced to her new sibling. Being at an airport or some sort of transportation center; handing children over to some random woman and saying goodbye.

OK. That being said; let's get to the title of this post. The phrase "hindsight is 20/20" seems to be fitting for my current situation. When I have been awake I am just mopey. Hard to clean house, fix a meal, or do any regular household chores. Just sit and stare. While not technically a thing, I would call it "conception mourning." I already Googled to see if the description existed. Nope. I guess there is a rock band by that name, or a song.
I have read that women who have had abortions will mourn many anniversaries surrounding the abortion(s). One of those times could be in regard to the time the child was conceived. Probably true for women who have experienced miscarriages.
Looking back, that could be consciously or sub-consciously. In my case, I think it is leaning more towards the sub-contentiously. January has always been a sucky month for me. Never knew why. Always attributed to coming down from the holidays. Which could easily be true. But not the complete picture.
It was about this time three years ago, in 2014, in which I had my first break down. I felt like absolute crap! Yet I didn't know why. Oh, this has got to be a whole separate post as to when my break down and memories started. I will get to that soon. Hopefully sooner than later.

In the looking back, I feel as though I am mad at God. Where was He during the "family intervention"? Why didn't He give me the words to convince my family that abortion was wrong? Why didn't He smite my family; mom, aunt, grandmother? OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. Why didn't He at least temporarily incapacitate them, to give me time to get away from them? I could have run off and hid until I could find something resembling a nineties version of a crisis pregnancy center. Where was He the night before the abortion? Where was He when I walked into that clinic? Where was He just before the abortion happened? Where was He afterward?
Actually, come to think of it, where was God when I first met "Matt"? Where was He when"Matt" was first trying to seduce me? Where was He the night I finally did relent?

As has been stated in the post about the abortion itself, I came to a "conclusion" "that there is no God." But the reality is; I rejected God before the abortion. Sure, I had been baptized as a toddler. Sure, my mother occasionally took me to Sunday school, sometimes keeping me with her during church services. Sure, I did attend church during high school. Even belonging to the teen club at church and joining the teen choir. Of course calling myself a Christian. But I didn't really have much of a prayer life, nor attended church after graduating high school.
So, basically I didn't turn to Him during any of the moments leading up to the abortion. Didn't pray for the relationship between "Matt" and myself. Didn't pray about my child after I became pregnant. Don't remember much about what I was doing or thinking in the time between the "intervention" and the abortion. But I do know I didn't pray about it.

So in the end, it is myself I am mad at me. Not God.

(Since the time of the abortion I have since came back to church. It has been a journey. Becoming a member of a denomination different than that which I grew up. Joining a church of another denomination, once again. But this time I am sticking to it to the end. Have a much stronger prayer life. Perhaps I will talk about that at a later time.)

Should I Go to Church?

This is a post that I originally started in the Daily Thoughts Page, but I started getting long winded and decided to make it into a post.

It is after midnight already, so I guess that makes today Sunday already.  As I have stated, I do not have issues with God or Christianity.  Or at least not now.  But I do have issues with church itself.  I have said that I am a member of a local Protestant church that I really don't attend.  I would like to get back to attending church.  But the thought of going does give me anxiety.  Should I go to the church I am a member of?  A different Protestant church?  But which one?  A Catholic church?  Which I am somewhat considering.

The issue is that the church, the denomination as a whole, that I am a member of is known for it's liberal leanings.  Their "official" statement on abortion is rather wishy washy and worded so the member/reader can take the meaning to however they want.  But basically they are so called "pro-choice" in their dealings and actions.

I am a single woman.  Never been married.  No prospects on the horizon.  The idea of marital status in most churches is that you need to be married, to be taken seriously. This even in the more liberal churches that "champion" gay marriage, homosexuality, and/or abortion; with a "meh" attitude towards premarital sex.
I feel that even in the church I belong to if I were to proclaim "I am a proud lesbian who has had multiple abortions.  No regrets!  My body, my choice!" I would be taken more seriously than being unmarried, heterosexual, conservative and pro-life.
Many of the churches that are known as pro-life and traditional family/marriage will look akin to a woman who is unmarried.  Yet, not really so much towards unmarried men. The attitude is that the men are just not ready or something.  But unmarried women are to be pitied.  There must be something wrong with her.  Maybe she's a promiscuous feminist.
Whether the church is liberal or conservative, women are expected to be married, unless they are gay.  You will only be expected to be taken seriously if you can physically give them future members or pew sitters.  Oh gosh, and the gossip.  No one will talk to you, but will make up stories about you left and right.

Yes, I know, the focus should be on Christ.  I am being guided in this area in finding a Christ centered Bible based church.  But still, isn't community supposed be part of the church?  If that is the fact, then shouldn't all Christians be accepted into the church community, regardless of their station in life? 

Thoughts on Rachel's Vineyard Retreat

Wow, February 13, 2015; last time I wrote a post?  Has it been that long?  I have had so many thoughts swirling around in that time.  I have wrote out quick quips at the Anastasia and Hanelore Twitter account.  I am feeling that now is the time to write a few new posts.

This past weekend I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat.  While I am still processing everything that happened, I would like to express a few of my quick observations.  Perhaps I will write more in detail, without being too personal, at a later time.
For post abortion healing this is a great retreat!  I felt validated to connect with men and women who have been through what I have been going through for the past 20 years.  While their experiences may not have been exactly as mine, I finally felt as though others understood my pain.  There was much peace and healing. I was given many gifts from the retreat, leaders and most importantly a gift of peace from the Lord. 

It may have been Catholic oriented, but all from all faiths are welcome.  I was the only non-Catholic there.  In fact, I am a Christian, a member of a local church, still no "actual" connection to an actual church.  (That is a subject for another post)  Yet, I felt very accepted by everyone.  I even had my own Marian experience/image.  Nothing like "an image of Mary on my toast" kind of thing, but through meditation.

Everyone was given a journal to write their thoughts and stories.  I didn't write anything while there.  I did stay at a nearby hotel after the retreat was over.  There, I did start to write into the journal.  I have more to write into it.  I can pour out more personally into that.  I wanted to make sure I wrote down who gave me what gifts, so as to remember and treasure them.  As to treasure within my heart the persons who gave them to me. 
Oh, there is so much I want to share, but again, I want to write out personally pouring out my heart.  Then edit out that which would be too personal.  There were so many meditation places within the center to reflect on Christ's Sacrifice and God's love for ALL us sinners.  I will forever treasure everything within my heart. 

During my stay at the hotel I created a "portable shrine" from many of the items received from the retreat.  After coming home I set up the shrine at my kitchen table, along with personal family oriented items added.  I prayed the rosary at this personal shrine, along with a quiet meditation.  I truly felt at peace.  A peace I have never experienced before.

Please join me in following reflections and growth to come...

Additions to Previous Post

I reread the previous post Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) an added more that I originally wanted to say when first published.  The following is what I added.  If you have not read the full post already, please click the link in the title above.

* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know.  Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes.  Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business."  Believe me, I know how you are feeling.  I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy.  I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time.  Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now.  I was too scared to call them.  This being the era before the internet.  You may be saying "But I am not Catholic."  They will help you anyways.  And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services.  When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic.  We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child."  Or something like that.  Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life.  I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image." 
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice.  Please, please do not give up.  Give her all the pro-life information you can.

A Letter to my Mother

I have been going through some issues lately.  My anxiety seems to come and go.  Some days I am totally fine.  Others I am a total basket case.  During the "basket days" I can go from lethargy to anger and back and forth.  One thing going on is my relationship with my mother.  We have never really been estranged, but more strained.  I have tried to open up communications, at first I thought she was understanding, but I feel it is more she waits for me to show vulnerability to attack me while I am wounded.  The following is the first letter/email of my "coming out" in regards to the anxiety about the abortions so many years ago.  I did not mention my personal abortions, just alluding to them.  The letter has been slightly edited to eliminate names and/or locations that would identify me.

Hi Mom,

I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas. 

I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area).  And I know I have the house and everything.  I really appreciate everything you have done.  But I am just not happy here anymore.  I don't think I can really be happy anywhere.  But I believe I could be happier (there).  I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church.  One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth.  Somewhere that has people of all walks of life.  I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed.  I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life.  I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life.  I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014).  Perhaps even longer.  But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.

I will be turning 40 soon.  I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits.  And what do I have to show for it?  Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat.  As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family.  It may be too late to have biological children of my own.  But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc.  And for kids there could always be adoption. 

In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men.  I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years.  And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill."  I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality.  Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids.  I have convinced myself I don't like kids.  All in order to protect myself and my emotions.  Yet kids seem to like me.

Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate.  And for me, I think I could only do that (locale).  There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town).  I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet.  Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things.  I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on.  But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me. 
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever.  Yes, there are some like that.  But that is a small minority.  There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp.  Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways.  Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling.  Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views.  I have read up on the information.  I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting).  And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician.  I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics.  And deaths still happen despite "legalization."  Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector.  Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures.  Women who become infertile.  Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix.  Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends.  Pictures of post aborted babies.  No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor."  A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body.  A baby is.  The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature.  There is no perfect world.  Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.

Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much.  And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion.  If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.

Love,
(Your Daughter)

"Matt" Didn't Care

In continuation from a previous post; I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception

After telling "Matt" that I was pregnant he didn't seem to care one way or the other.  He said something to the effect of "Well my sister is a nurse.  She knows of ways to take care of that."  What?  I took it to mean doing something at home to cause a miscarriage.  I told him NO!  Then in a jerky sort of way he said "I was just kidding" and said he would help to take care of the child.

I asked him if he was going to "make an honest woman of me."  He said he would.  OK, so not quite the romantic proposal little girls dream of, but I thought it meant he would marry me.  Big misunderstanding on my part.  Like most women who are planning on getting married I bought a bridal magazine.  Looked at dresses.  Talked to my mom.  Was focusing on choosing an empire style gown.  My best friend at the time had agreed to stand up with me.
Called the church that I had been baptized at, where my parents were married and where my grandparents were married.  One of the closest dates that would have been available on my grandparent's anniversary.  The baby would have only been a couple weeks old or a couple weeks before birth for that date.  Again, as I had stated previously, my memory is foggy.  I am just guestimating according to the rememberances of when I would have become pregnant. 

At some point after all this was done, probably just a couple days after telling him, "Matt" saw the magazines on my coffee table.  He laughed.  Asked what that was all about.  I said "we are getting married aren't we?".  He said yeah.  But maybe when the baby was a couple years old.  I was hurt.  I had just assumed he meant  that he would marry me before the baby was born.  Then we got into a fight.  Arguing about how the baby would be raised, whether we were going to be living separately while raising the baby.

We did decide we would get married before the baby was born.  I know, not quite the way to get started.  But he didn't want a big wedding because he had been married before and didn't see the point of having a large wedding.   Again, another argument.  I didn't want a big huge affair.  But I did want the traditional church wedding with the white dress.

I can not recall how long I was pregnant for before the abortion.  It could have been only a week, two weeks, or three after finding out I was pregnant.  I was about six weeks along when I had the ultrasound.  In my mind's memory everything seemed at once a short time and a long time.  I do recall my mother and I telling my grandmother and aunt.  Spending a few pregnancy days with "Matt."  Visiting my mother who lived in another town.  I was once at his house while he was talking to his parents on the phone.  He told them we were going to get married.  On his side of the conversation he said "No, she's not pregnant."  There was one day when we went to his sister's house to see his nieces and the puppies their dog had given birth too.  He told me not to say anything about being pregnant to anyone. 

To be continued...