The Second Abortion

I did already add a page with the multiple posts about My First Abortion.  Along with a post about the second abortion.  I am going to copy and paste the full post here; so as for the readers to get a glimpse of my story.

This is a hard post to write.  After writing about the first abortion, in categorized posts, I was unable to go forward with writing about the second abortion.  Perhaps the reason for that is mental exhaustion, feeling like collapsing after writing about it. Perhaps shame.  I don't know.  Maybe a bit of both.
It took me forever to even remember the abortions.  Though I always knew in the back of my mind, I ignored them.  Though they always affected my life in one way or another.  The way I lived.  The way I reacted around men. The men I chose, or more or less put up with and let choose me.  
All the while I lied even to myself after remembering the abortions.  I only told myself about the first one.  Perhaps it was the differing reactions to finding out about the pregnancies.  During the first pregnancy plans were being made for, Anastasia, my first daughter.  The second time I never even acknowledged, Hanelore, the child within me.  There are even more "blank spots" in this abortion.

Perhaps you may want to start and the beginning and read about the first abortions to know where my story starts and come back when you are finished; My first abortion story.

The following memories are quite fuzzy, possibly more so than those of the first abortion.  So, since having the second abortion I moved away from (my hometown) and to (town my mom lived in).  I was still seeing "Matt" after the move.  I would drive to (his town) see him, or occasionally he would drive to (town) to see me.  Of course we were having sexual relations.  During one of the visits he saw my belly, it was getting bigger.  In fact, I never really even noticed.  He asked me if I were pregnant.  I denied it, not just to him, but to myself also. 
Even if after he pointed it out, I still ignored any thoughts of being pregnant.  Then one day while I was at work I went to use the rest room.  For some reason when I looked down at my belly I noticed that my tummy was bigger.  Then that's when the reality hit that I could be pregnant.  So many thoughts came running through all flashing at the speed of light.
I was scared, I recalled everything that went on during the first pregnancy and abortion.  Mike's reaction and attitude.  My mother's attitude and coercion.  I really didn't know what to do.  I hate to admit it, but I could not envision carrying the pregnancy to term.  But I did not like the idea of going through another abortion.

I guess I picked up an at home pregnancy test after work.  I don't know.  I know sometime soon after I did purchase said test.  Maybe it was the next day or during one of my first day off after seeing my large belly.  I do remember when seeing the positive results.  I know it was quite early in the morning.  I was hopelessly frantic.  The first thought was abortion, totally unlike the reaction to the first pregnancy.
Very odd, but the first person I called was a professor from college.  I should probably back track there.  See, even though I was in a relationship with "Matt" I was seeing a professor from the college I was attending.  Seeing as in having a bit of a fling.  The class I met him in had already finished before anything happened between us.  Not that I am excusing anything, just adding the back story.

Gosh, I have no idea how early in the day it was.  Just I know it was quite early.  I think I woke him up when I called.  No "hey, how you doing" I just simply blurted out "I have to have an abortion!".  He just said "I can't talk right now."  My heart just sank.  I felt even more alone than I did before.  I didn't even think he could be the father.  He had been using condoms during our "trysts."  I suppose there could have been a minuscule chance, but I was thinking of "Matt" being the father.  I guess the reason for calling him may have been deep down I wanted him to convince me not to.
Feeling scared, confused and trapped; I looked in the phone book looking under "abortions."  I found one ad that said something to the effect of  "Pregnant? Feeling scared?  Wanting an abortion? Call us."  So that's what I did.  I called.  Some lady answered.  I blurted out that I was looking to have an abortion.  The lady was really snotty.  She said "We don't do abortions!"  In a very judgmental tone, and hung up.  Not sure which of us hung up first.
I felt even more bad.  I thought I could do this on my own without anyone knowing.  Now what was I going to do?  I was too scared to call anyone after that.  I guessed I was going to have to tell my mother.
Looking back, the place I called with the snotty lady was most likely a pregnancy crisis center.  Fine, they didn't do abortions.  But why couldn't she have tried to talk to me?  Ask me questions?  Ask why I wanted an abortion?  Tried to talk me out of it?
Later in the day Mr. Professor called me.  Said he was sorry he wasn't able to talk to me when I called.  He was telling me I should have the abortion and that it would probably be best.  He told me that he knew others who had abortions.  I still wasn't even thinking about the first abortion.  It's like I remembered it, but didn't.  Looking back, I wonder if he ever wondered if there was a possibility it was his child.

Fast forward to Fourth of July 1996.  My family was planning on having a picnic at my grandmother's.  My mother and I drove in separate cars.  The plan was to meet "Matt" after both of our families had their picnics.  I just couldn't face him.  I didn't want to.  I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to be able to see him.  I broke up with him over the phone.  He accused me of cheating.  I denied it.  Yes, I know, Mr. Professor, and all.  But he didn't know.  There's no way he could know.  OK, so there's no excuse.
I just wanted to be alone, away from people.  I left my grandmother's.  Told my mom I wasn't feeling well.  Drove home.
When my mother got home I broke down and told her.  I told her I wanted an abortion.  She never questioned me or asked if maybe I would want to carry the baby to terms.  She asked if I was certain I was pregnant.  I told her I was sure and that the pregnancy test had two tests in the kit.  Didn't even have to wait the 5 or 10 minutes or however long the instructions said.  I could practically see the results show up as I was peeing on the stick.

At some point a doctor's appointment was made.  It was confirmed I was pregnant.  My mother told the doctor I was for certain going to have an abortion.  The insurance and the doctor was connected the Catholic hospital in town.  He said because of that he couldn't refer me to an abortionist.  Yet, he didn't try to convince me not to have the abortion. 
Eventually I was given a vaginal exam at another doctor's office.  Oddly, while I don't remember the abortionist from the first abortion, I do remember this guy.  He was a short and somewhat chubby.  I don't remember his name.  He was either Mexican, Mid Eastern or India Indian.  Had somewhat of an accent.  Doing some internet searching I think, but not sure, he is someone who has gotten in trouble with the state and a few women have died under his "care."  But again, I can't say for certain  That it is him.  I have no idea how far along I was.  Not one stinking clue.  I was never even told.

Then the time for the abortion came.  It was done at one of the hospitals.  Obviously not the above mentioned Catholic hospital.  The only thing I really recall is an older lady in the waiting room.  She asked what we were there for.  I didn't know what to say.  My mother "chimed in" and said I was having a D & C.  The lady responded that she had that done after having a miscarriage.  And that was it.
I don't remember anything after that.  I was put on full anesthesia.  Out cold.  Don't even know if the doctor from the exam was the one who did the procedure or if it was someone else.  I do not recall waking up from the procedure.  I do not know if they had me rest afterward or for how long.  I really don't remember leaving or the car ride back home with my mom.  The one and only thing I remember is my mom commenting about the lady in the waiting office; saying that she was being nosy or something like that.
I think I had a day or two of recovery.  Maybe more.  I don't know.  I think my mom went back to work after I got home.  I do know that when I went back to work there was some reason I had to grab something from storage.  In part of the post abortion instructions I was told I was not to lift heavy objects.  Considering that no one knew about the abortion I could not just tell the manager that I wasn't going to grab the item for no reason.

The end, but not really...