I'm Mad at God!

Well, not really. Well, yes, maybe. I don't know.

I am coming up over a cold that had me bed ridden for a while, other than going to work. But not only that, it is around about the time my first child (Anastasia) would have been conceived twenty years ago. Funny thing about when you are sick in bed; not much you can do except sleep, read, watch online movies, and think. The thinking is what can sometimes knock you down. Heck, even the sleeping, if you are notorious for weird dreams. Which I am.

Been having buttload of baby and young child dreams. Nothing I can really remember much of. Sometimes it can just be simply giving birth. Having the baby in my life, yet being kept at arms lengths from being able to hold her. An older child being introduced to her new sibling. Being at an airport or some sort of transportation center; handing children over to some random woman and saying goodbye.

OK. That being said; let's get to the title of this post. The phrase "hindsight is 20/20" seems to be fitting for my current situation. When I have been awake I am just mopey. Hard to clean house, fix a meal, or do any regular household chores. Just sit and stare. While not technically a thing, I would call it "conception mourning." I already Googled to see if the description existed. Nope. I guess there is a rock band by that name, or a song.
I have read that women who have had abortions will mourn many anniversaries surrounding the abortion(s). One of those times could be in regard to the time the child was conceived. Probably true for women who have experienced miscarriages.
Looking back, that could be consciously or sub-consciously. In my case, I think it is leaning more towards the sub-contentiously. January has always been a sucky month for me. Never knew why. Always attributed to coming down from the holidays. Which could easily be true. But not the complete picture.
It was about this time three years ago, in 2014, in which I had my first break down. I felt like absolute crap! Yet I didn't know why. Oh, this has got to be a whole separate post as to when my break down and memories started. I will get to that soon. Hopefully sooner than later.

In the looking back, I feel as though I am mad at God. Where was He during the "family intervention"? Why didn't He give me the words to convince my family that abortion was wrong? Why didn't He smite my family; mom, aunt, grandmother? OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. Why didn't He at least temporarily incapacitate them, to give me time to get away from them? I could have run off and hid until I could find something resembling a nineties version of a crisis pregnancy center. Where was He the night before the abortion? Where was He when I walked into that clinic? Where was He just before the abortion happened? Where was He afterward?
Actually, come to think of it, where was God when I first met "Matt"? Where was He when"Matt" was first trying to seduce me? Where was He the night I finally did relent?

As has been stated in the post about the abortion itself, I came to a "conclusion" "that there is no God." But the reality is; I rejected God before the abortion. Sure, I had been baptized as a toddler. Sure, my mother occasionally took me to Sunday school, sometimes keeping me with her during church services. Sure, I did attend church during high school. Even belonging to the teen club at church and joining the teen choir. Of course calling myself a Christian. But I didn't really have much of a prayer life, nor attended church after graduating high school.
So, basically I didn't turn to Him during any of the moments leading up to the abortion. Didn't pray for the relationship between "Matt" and myself. Didn't pray about my child after I became pregnant. Don't remember much about what I was doing or thinking in the time between the "intervention" and the abortion. But I do know I didn't pray about it.

So in the end, it is myself I am mad at me. Not God.

(Since the time of the abortion I have since came back to church. It has been a journey. Becoming a member of a denomination different than that which I grew up. Joining a church of another denomination, once again. But this time I am sticking to it to the end. Have a much stronger prayer life. Perhaps I will talk about that at a later time.)

Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) EDITED

Below is the edited add ons; with an * in front.


So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet.  I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet.  But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past.  It will not bring my babies back.  So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.

Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),

I don't know you.  You don't know me.  But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance.  You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy.  You are searching the internet looking for advice.  You are unsure what to do.  Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption.  You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do.  Some of them you know personally.  Others are just noise in the media.  You have no room in your mind to think.  Girl, I know.  I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella.  Rings and wedding plans already made.  Perhaps you are in a casual relationship.  Maybe you are already married already with or without other children.  Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared.  Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception.  My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion.  Saying it is the only way or the best way.  You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do.  The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue.  It's not a person.  It is so small that it can't really be a person.  Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body?  Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now.  Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows.  They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby.  Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him.  Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption.  Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family. 
Maybe you are on the other spectrum.  Maybe you do want an abortion.  Maybe those around you do support your decision.  Maybe they don't.  Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization.  I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life.  So I can't give the best advice that others can give you.  But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion.  And I do know how the after effects will be.  Once it is done there is no turning back.  There is no bringing that baby back.  Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion.  Time does not heal.  Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later.  To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side.  This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of  raising the child or releasing to adoption.  There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about. 

* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know.  Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes.  Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business."  Believe me, I know how you are feeling.  I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy.  I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time.  Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now.  I was too scared to call them.  This being the era before the internet.  You may be saying "But I am not Catholic."  They will help you anyways.  And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services.  When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic.  We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child."  Or something like that.  Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life.  I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image." 
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice.  Please, please do not give up.  Give her all the pro-life information you can.

A Letter to my Mother

I have been going through some issues lately.  My anxiety seems to come and go.  Some days I am totally fine.  Others I am a total basket case.  During the "basket days" I can go from lethargy to anger and back and forth.  One thing going on is my relationship with my mother.  We have never really been estranged, but more strained.  I have tried to open up communications, at first I thought she was understanding, but I feel it is more she waits for me to show vulnerability to attack me while I am wounded.  The following is the first letter/email of my "coming out" in regards to the anxiety about the abortions so many years ago.  I did not mention my personal abortions, just alluding to them.  The letter has been slightly edited to eliminate names and/or locations that would identify me.

Hi Mom,

I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas. 

I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area).  And I know I have the house and everything.  I really appreciate everything you have done.  But I am just not happy here anymore.  I don't think I can really be happy anywhere.  But I believe I could be happier (there).  I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church.  One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth.  Somewhere that has people of all walks of life.  I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed.  I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life.  I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life.  I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014).  Perhaps even longer.  But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.

I will be turning 40 soon.  I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits.  And what do I have to show for it?  Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat.  As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family.  It may be too late to have biological children of my own.  But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc.  And for kids there could always be adoption. 

In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men.  I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years.  And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill."  I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality.  Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids.  I have convinced myself I don't like kids.  All in order to protect myself and my emotions.  Yet kids seem to like me.

Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate.  And for me, I think I could only do that (locale).  There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town).  I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet.  Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things.  I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on.  But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me. 
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever.  Yes, there are some like that.  But that is a small minority.  There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp.  Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways.  Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling.  Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views.  I have read up on the information.  I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting).  And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician.  I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics.  And deaths still happen despite "legalization."  Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector.  Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures.  Women who become infertile.  Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix.  Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends.  Pictures of post aborted babies.  No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor."  A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body.  A baby is.  The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature.  There is no perfect world.  Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.

Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much.  And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion.  If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.

Love,
(Your Daughter)

Her Views Turned on a Dime

Continuation of my abortion story starting at I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception and "Matt" Didn't Care

I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion.  No, she does not know about the blog.  While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.

As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive.  Or so I thought.  As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound.  I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center.  I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia.  That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl.  Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl.  To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time.  I think we were both a little shell shocked.  We had a conversation in the car.  I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me.  But there was no talk of abortion.

Here again is where my memories are fuzzy.  During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town.  Possibly twice.  During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area.  She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process.  And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby.  She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks."  What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move.  How my body would change during the preparations.  Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.

Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time.  One was in regards to him wanting oral sex.  While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable.  And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique.  Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying.  Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive.  I don't know.  She showed compassion.  Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant.  I don't know how true that is.  Hey, Google it!  Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby. 

As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day.  She decided to check my mail.  I had received a letter from DMV.  My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets.  The revoction was for about 30 days.  She blew up.  Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby?  How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me?  She told me I was going to have to have an abortion.  Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born.  I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's.  She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion.  We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion.  I was giving her reasons why not.  She was giving reasons why.  My grandma and aunt were parroting her.  I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family.  One was an aunt on her mother's side.  The other was one of my aunts, father's sister.  And of course how they are just fine now.  She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages.  How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly.  And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly.  Or some mumbo jumbo like that.  I was in tears, feeling trapped.  I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn.  She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me.  Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born.  Really!?  Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child?  Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild! 
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy.  And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter.  Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating.  They were pro-life in their teaching.  They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info.  I had repeated some of what I had learned.  Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there.  And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school.  I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place.  She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective. 
I was suggesting adoption.  She didn't like that idea.  She did not want my child to grow up with another family.  Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family.  Telling me she could be abused.  I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life.  She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up.  She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born.  That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry.  Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side.  Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script.  It wouldn't hurt at all.  They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out.  It's only a clump of cells.  It's only the size of a dime.  She wouldn't feel a thing.  She wouldn't be harmed.  By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along.  As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her.  But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide."  In that short time I was alone with my thoughts.  Deep down, I didn't want to do it.  But I didn't know what to do.  I knew about adoption.  I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services.  Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic.  I had no idea who to call.  I didn't know who to turn to for help.  Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had.  She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes.  I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center.  Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet.  It may be too late for me.  But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy.  It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help.  Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time.  So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing

In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father.  Just a note, they were divorced.  She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views.  When actually it was the opposite.  He was on his third marriage.  They were living in another state, with many other states in between.  Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships.  I had a half brother from this union.  Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born.  My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born.  Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either.  Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt."  And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption.  My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up.  True, he wasn't there much for me growing up.  But everyone is allowed redemption.  Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine!  I will have the abortion to make you happy."  Her response was "it's not for me.  It's for you to decide."  What!?  If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work.  That, that is true choice!  But alas, it was never to be.

To be continued...

"Matt" Didn't Care

In continuation from a previous post; I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception

After telling "Matt" that I was pregnant he didn't seem to care one way or the other.  He said something to the effect of "Well my sister is a nurse.  She knows of ways to take care of that."  What?  I took it to mean doing something at home to cause a miscarriage.  I told him NO!  Then in a jerky sort of way he said "I was just kidding" and said he would help to take care of the child.

I asked him if he was going to "make an honest woman of me."  He said he would.  OK, so not quite the romantic proposal little girls dream of, but I thought it meant he would marry me.  Big misunderstanding on my part.  Like most women who are planning on getting married I bought a bridal magazine.  Looked at dresses.  Talked to my mom.  Was focusing on choosing an empire style gown.  My best friend at the time had agreed to stand up with me.
Called the church that I had been baptized at, where my parents were married and where my grandparents were married.  One of the closest dates that would have been available on my grandparent's anniversary.  The baby would have only been a couple weeks old or a couple weeks before birth for that date.  Again, as I had stated previously, my memory is foggy.  I am just guestimating according to the rememberances of when I would have become pregnant. 

At some point after all this was done, probably just a couple days after telling him, "Matt" saw the magazines on my coffee table.  He laughed.  Asked what that was all about.  I said "we are getting married aren't we?".  He said yeah.  But maybe when the baby was a couple years old.  I was hurt.  I had just assumed he meant  that he would marry me before the baby was born.  Then we got into a fight.  Arguing about how the baby would be raised, whether we were going to be living separately while raising the baby.

We did decide we would get married before the baby was born.  I know, not quite the way to get started.  But he didn't want a big wedding because he had been married before and didn't see the point of having a large wedding.   Again, another argument.  I didn't want a big huge affair.  But I did want the traditional church wedding with the white dress.

I can not recall how long I was pregnant for before the abortion.  It could have been only a week, two weeks, or three after finding out I was pregnant.  I was about six weeks along when I had the ultrasound.  In my mind's memory everything seemed at once a short time and a long time.  I do recall my mother and I telling my grandmother and aunt.  Spending a few pregnancy days with "Matt."  Visiting my mother who lived in another town.  I was once at his house while he was talking to his parents on the phone.  He told them we were going to get married.  On his side of the conversation he said "No, she's not pregnant."  There was one day when we went to his sister's house to see his nieces and the puppies their dog had given birth too.  He told me not to say anything about being pregnant to anyone. 

To be continued...

I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception

I had been dating "Matt" since November of 1994.  We started out as friends.  I had only been living on my own for just a couple months before that.  Never had any dating experience.  I worked with "Matt."  Sometimes he would visit me at my apartment, sometimes I would visit at him at his house.  He had attempted quite a few times to get me to sleep with him.  I rebuffed him at first.  It was early January of 1995 when I finally lost my virginity to him.
I am not sure exactly when I would have gotten pregnant, perhaps it was during "my first time."  I do recall at some point "Matt" was staying at my apartment, I think it was late January or early February.  I woke up to go to the bathroom, he was still asleep.  Nothing seriously physical was wrong with me.  Yet, I couldn't shake off a strange feeling that something was "off."  Not sure what it was exactly.  I had wondered if maybe I were pregnant, yet I didn't really have any symptoms.  I could feel something physical inside of me that just didn't seem usual.
Then I started getting a little poochy belly and my boobs were growing quite fast.  I was then leaning towards the possibility that I may be pregnant.  My family noticed my "growing."  I just told them that maybe I was eating too much. 
I still kept having gnawing thoughts of pregnancy.  I kept those thoughts to myself.  I had bought a couple at home pregnancy tests.  The package said that results are shown after the first missed period.  Well I didn't have a missed period.  So that was useless.  There was a part of me that didn't want to be pregnant, but a part of me would like to have been a mother.  I can't quite explain the feeling.
Then one day, for no reason at all, I decided to clean the little apartment and rearrange the furniture.  I just wanted a whole new look.  That is when I had the very worst period of my entire life!  The cramps were horrible.  The bleeding was crazy.  I was bed ridden for over a week.  I had never ever had cramps before.  Previously, since age 12, the bleeding was the only sign I was ever having my period. 
Things just didn't seem right.  I made an appointment with the doctor.  I was young, naive and inexperienced.  I was scared to tell her that I thought I may be pregnant.  I just told her my symptoms, in hopes that she would ask the questions.  She never did.  Just gave me some pain pills.
Still, something did not seem right.  I took another at home pregnancy test.  Yep, positive.  I do believe I told my mother first.  I can't remember for sure if it was or her or "Matt" that I told first, most likely it was her. She was a bit disappointed, but she was willing to support me.  She asked about the doctor visit.  I told her that the doctor didn't even do or say  anything leading toward pregnancy.  My mother had called the doctor, and told her about my at home test results.  She referred us to an OB/GYN.  They confirmed that I was pregnant.  An ultra sound was performed.  My mother was with me and saw the ultra sound.  I saw my little child.  "She" was at 6 weeks along.

That is when I told "Matt" I was definitely pregnant.  To be continued...