Still Healing and Recovering

Warning: The following is a bit disjointed.  Firing out thoughts as they come.  No rhythm or concise order of anything.  

Been debating writing about this.  As was stated I attended a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat about 3 weekends ago.  Oddly it seems longer ago than that.  Yet, it seems more recent.  I have been doing that for the past year or so, since "*coming to terms" with the abortions.

*Really, can one truly come to terms with an abortion?  I don't know.  I can't answer that.  No matter how much support one has from a confident(s), retreats, online groups, prayer, Bible reading, etc "automatic healing" will not take place.  All I can do is trust in Christ.  Yes, it's an uphill battle.  One that I must climb everyday and trust in God.  Look, I don't have all the answers.  I just know I am going to fall.  Heck sometimes even go snowball rolling down that hill.  I know when I do fall to get on my knees and pray.  Even before starting up the hill to get on my knees and prayer.  Regardless of my mood.  Do I always heed my own advice?  No!  But I must keep persevering.

Looks like I kind of went off track.  Let's get back to the subject.  So the reason, or one reason, I debated writing about this is that I was afraid of possibly coming off as saying that the retreat didn't help me.  It did.  Believe me. I don't want the following to be a discouragement to those who may be considering attending a retreat. Whether you are in the look-up stage or making plans to attend a specific retreat in your area or somewhere else; I want to tell you that despite any of your fears it really truly is a healing experience.  Or part of the healing experience.

Currently, I am writing from my "sick bed."  Not really like I have the flu or something.  Just tired.  Don't want to do anything right now.  Playing Christian/Gospel/Hymn music.  Reading from the Bible.  Praying the rosary.  May read a few verses from the Book of Psalms.  Checking out the Twitter feed.  Of course writing too.  Playing online games, just to release some stress. 
Although I am currently not at the point I was when I "discovered" that I had the abortions.  That time was horrible.  All I did was lay around, desiring to cry yet the tears would not flow, lay in a fetal position, wishing the world would go away.  I have made some progress in that time.

I have been somewhat lethargic since coming home from the retreat.  The leaders did state to take it easy when getting home and not be wonder-woman.  I did try to heed that advice.  But at the same time I felt like I had so much in my life and home that were neglected during my reflection time.  I thought I could come home and do all kinds of spring cleaning and DIY projects.  But I was also being careful not to overdo things.  I would wake up, drink my coffee, sit and stare, think about the things I needed to do.  I thought "the next cup of coffee will give me the energy to do things."  Nope.  After finishing a day of doing nothing,except for maybe the basics I would go to bed  feeling defeated and lazy. 
Finally, I have just collapsed.  I am laying on the couch propped up by a throw pillow and a bed pillow.  Doing nothing.  And that is fine!I don't know how long I will be on my sick bed.  And that is fine.  I am not going to schedule the time I will be on the sick bed.  And that is fine.  I am not going to schedule things I need to do.  And that is fine. 

There is a photo on the sidebar along with the same photo at the top of the blog that is of the prayer and meditation shrine in memorial of my girls, Anastasia and Hanelore.  I have it set up in my kitchen.  It is a nice spot to be able to remind me to look to God in all my sorrows and joys.  Have my devotions and prayer time there.  Feel as though I have my daughters near me during meal and prep times.  I am not at the point where I set a place and meals for them.  Yet, I think it is now time to take down the shrine and put the memory items in a safe and secure spot, to be able to look at when I need to. 
Although my hoarding issues seem to get in the way of that.  Don't know why but in some ways it feels as though I am getting rid of my daughters again.  Possibly as though I am "hiding them."  These are issues I need to work on.

Point is; there is no one true miracle that is going to all of a sudden make my emotions be all Maria from The Sound of Music dancing in a field of flowers.  And that too is fine!

Abortion and Hoarding? A Connection?

Still working on things to talk about in regards to the Rachel's Vineyard Retreat.  In the meantime; I had planned on doing spring cleaning early.  I started, really I did.  Look, it's May already and not even close to finished!  Well, I did try.  Still planning on working on that.  Got a good portion done in the kitchen.

Went through a lot of my, let's call it what it is, crap!  That's what it is.  So many things found in my cupboards just sitting there taking up space for absolutely no reason.  I have no clue whatsoever how it ended up in my house or what even possessed me to purchase it.  Granted, some of it was given to me by friends and family.  And for whatever reason I just could not tell them "thanks but no thanks."

Oh, it's not just kitchen items that I "collect."  It's anything and everything.   I really don't collect anything specific; I likes, I buys.  I mean I do have some collections that fit in a certain category.  And that's what I am trying to do in my sorting and separating.  If the item is not part of a collection and really truly isn't very useful for any purpose then out it goes.  By which I mean not throwing anything away, I plan on having a garage sale.  Anything I don't sell will be donated to the thrift store.  Yay, you can have my junk!  Lucky you!

So here is where the deep thoughts come in.  So here I am, looking at the said "crap."  Wondering why I even bought it.  Then I wondered, is this one of the residual effects of my abortion?  When I go to a store, thrift shop or garage sale I have this overwhelming sense to buy something, anything, doesn't matter what.  I can search through the store and not find one stinking thing.   So I find some cheap little trinket.  Possibly a 10c. Mason jar.  I really don't need that 10c. Mason jar, and I know at the time I don't need it, yet I buy it just so I can leave with something in my hands. 
Here is where the possible connection to the abortion comes in.  I left the abortion clinics empty handed.  Looking back, I feel empty from the abortions.  Like I left something behind.  I don't want to feel empty.  Yet, after the shopping high is over, I don't feel any better.  Especially if money is getting tight afterwards.  I regret the purchase.  Individual items may be cheap, but those little items can add up.  Both financially and physically.

Again, as I have said a million times before, I am no expert.  I have no idea if there really is an abortion and hoarding connection.  Maybe I am the only one this happens to.  And of course I do know not everyone who hoards has had an abortion and/or has been affected be abortion in one way or the other.  I just know this is a reality for me.  A reality I need to change.