Looks like it's been about six months since my last posting. Oh my, where has the time gone? Where do I even start?
Perhaps I should get back to where I left off and "move forward" (that's kind of my catch phrase from now on) from there.
So the last post was about the Her Choice to Heal book by Sydna Masse. I stated that I would like to start a weekly book report about different post abortive books on healing. I still plan on doing that. Currently I am participating in an online book group for Lent. So, I will get back to sharing info on the books soon after Easter.
Part of what distracted me from writing was my mother came to visit, from the current state in which she lives. Actually, things went pretty well. We may have had a small tiff here or there. But generally we got along. And I would like to share that specific aspect of the healing journey in upcoming posts.
Been reading past posts, wow somebody needs a proof reader! But I digress. Seems since the breakdown I always seem to become physically ill in one form or another off and on from January to March. Yep. Been like that this year, of 2018. It will probably be like that, if not forever, for the next few years. And you know what? That's OK.
At the beginning of this year I decided to make an "anti-resolution." Let me explain. At the start of every calendar year so many of us make resolutions for this thing or the other. Usually it's weight loss, being more healthy, being a better spouse, employee, student, giving up one habit of another, giving more to charity, volunteering, or just a better person in general.
Every year at the start of January, since the memories surfaced, I would always make my little vows that "this year will be better." I would proclaim that I would not let the anxiety bother me. I would proclaim to not let the memories get to to me. How that would happen I don't know.
This year I decided not to even try. Despite being sick off and on, this has probably been my best first quarter of the year since the breakdowns. Perhaps even since the abortions.
Do I still fall? Yes. Do I get back up? Yes. A while back I chose to get up and dust off, over forget and move on. By the way, I hate that phrase about forgetting and moving on with every passion in my being. My falling seems to be less extreme and injurious, the bumps and bruises are less painful. This of course from an emotional standpoint. When I get up from the falls I stand taller. I stand prouder. The dust that needs to be shaken off is less thick.
Why is this? It could be just the old standby of "time heals old wounds." Which I will give credence to that. But I think there is an aspect of when the memories do surface I just let it ride. I don't attempt to will them away. The memories do seem less frequent. Frankly, there really is not many new memories to come to the surface. Though there are still some blank spots, I think I have remembered all that I can.
Perhaps I am remembering all that God will allow. Perhaps He will give me more memories as He sees fit that I can handle. Perhaps not. Truly I could not do this without my faith in Him. My morning prayers don't include specifities about the memories, unless I may have had a rather jarring dream that recalled back to the memories. But I do pray that He will watch over, guide me, and keep the anxiety at bay. Should I have anxiety in the day, I will stop what I am doing and get on my knees to pray.
One area in which I will be making a conscious effort is ideas for future posts, besides those mentioned above. I will be writing thoughts that have been stuck in my head since last year, but still relevant to share. I want to keep up the Random Thoughts page, when quick quips pop in my head. I also want to fill in the gaps about the first ten or so years following the abortions. I will be adding current pro-life articles that are in the news. Perhaps just sharing, maybe adding my own thoughts. I will be adding a few Christian posts, that focus on grief and abortion.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Monday, September 11, 2017
Monday Book Reads - Her Choice to Heal
I have mentioned before that soon after the memories came to light I started reading books regarding post abortion healing. I would like to share some of those books in which have helped me in my healing journey. I am thinking of doing a weekly book spotlight. I have chosen Monday. Seems a good day as any. The best way to give a description of the books is to do a copy/paste of the Amazon.com description. It would be the best way to give credit to what the author is trying to convey through their writings. I may reread the book and give quick short review, within the week. It may be interesting to reread with fresh eyes.
Perhaps, you dear reader, are post-abortive and/or know someone who is. The abortion may have been recent. Perhaps happened a few years ago. Maybe even a few decades. And the woman is just now remembering, as is what happened with me. You are trying to figure out what's going on, within yourself. Or you want to help your friend/family member. But you don't know how. While most of these books are written with the post abortive woman as the reader in mind, they can also help others to understand the thoughts and actions of the post abortive woman. They can be a suggestion for the post abortive woman in your life. But do not, I repeat DO NOT suggest any book to her UNLESS and only unless she has shown interest in getting healing information.
Most books on the subject are Christian based. A few are non religious in nature. The Christian based books are not so overt as to be of uninterest to non Christians.
Whether you are the post abortive woman or she is someone you know, the healing may come right away, or it may take a while, even a few years. Please do not begin reading with a healing timeline. Just give to God in prayer and let Him do his work in you.
That being said, the inauguration book for this new series is Her Choice to Heal by Sydna Masse. The title itself says it all. The choice to heal needs to be the woman's herself. She does not need anybody to be "helpful," as it can seem a bit pushy, putting her on the spot.
Description from Amazon.com;
Can be purchased at this link.
Perhaps, you dear reader, are post-abortive and/or know someone who is. The abortion may have been recent. Perhaps happened a few years ago. Maybe even a few decades. And the woman is just now remembering, as is what happened with me. You are trying to figure out what's going on, within yourself. Or you want to help your friend/family member. But you don't know how. While most of these books are written with the post abortive woman as the reader in mind, they can also help others to understand the thoughts and actions of the post abortive woman. They can be a suggestion for the post abortive woman in your life. But do not, I repeat DO NOT suggest any book to her UNLESS and only unless she has shown interest in getting healing information.
Most books on the subject are Christian based. A few are non religious in nature. The Christian based books are not so overt as to be of uninterest to non Christians.
Whether you are the post abortive woman or she is someone you know, the healing may come right away, or it may take a while, even a few years. Please do not begin reading with a healing timeline. Just give to God in prayer and let Him do his work in you.
That being said, the inauguration book for this new series is Her Choice to Heal by Sydna Masse. The title itself says it all. The choice to heal needs to be the woman's herself. She does not need anybody to be "helpful," as it can seem a bit pushy, putting her on the spot.
Description from Amazon.com;
What do 33% of American women have in common? They've experienced abortion.
You might be one of these women. Or maybe it's your friend, sister, coworker, or the woman sitting next to you at church. Regardless, post-abortive women are in pain, and at some point, most will experience post-abortion syndrome (PAS), a form of post traumatic stress disorder. But they may never talk about it. Many are silent because they are filled with shame, grief and guilt, afraid of judgment and condemnation. Few realize that peace is attainable through Christ's mourning process and the knowledge that because of His grace, they will reunite with their lost loved ones in Heaven.
Her Choice to Heal is designed to help women find a way to God's healing after this devastating choice. Written by a post-abortive woman, it includes testimonies of strength, healing and hope. Sydna compassionately leads you on the difficult journey through denial, anger, and grief, to forgiveness, redemption, and letting go. Her Choice to Heal offers a roadmap to healing - practical suggestions, resources for help, space to journal, with the encouragement and hope found in Christ alone.
Can be purchased at this link.
Ready to Forgive my Grandmother
"Forgive and forget" or "Forgive, but you don't have to forget." Oh that's easy for *you* (You as in society in general) to say. Maybe it's not. Have *you* taken your own advice? Has someone told you those words, after someone else hurt you and/or you learned new information about a situation that changed everything as you thought you knew it? Did *you* make a snap decision to forgive immediately? Or are *you* using your hearer as a social guinea pig, of sorts? Perhaps *you* want to see whether or not the hearer will forgive the other person. Maybe *you* are "timing" them. To see how long it will take for them to forgive. Then you can validate your own slothfulness.
Now let's get to the subject. Early last year I learned, from my mother, that the abortion was my grandma's idea. You can read about it here and here. Perhaps I said some things that were a bit cruel and crossed a line. At the time I was in a fog. It all seemed like a dream. A dream where you know the characters and think you know the story while simultaneously not knowing the story.
The wounds have now been healed. I am in different place. My state of mind is changed.
Since the flashbacks started and I was searching for information, through online articles and books,to help understand what was going on forgiveness was one the focuses. At the time of reading, I didn't know the extent of my grandma's involvement. So it never even crossed my mind to forgive her.
A few things happened, before and after, since learning the information about my grandma. Soon after the breakdown I had confessed and received absolution from a (denomination redacted) pastor, in regards to the sin of the abortions; and a few related things. That should go into a post all of its own. Then at some point I was able to forgive myself for the abortions.
My grandmother is the oldest daughter of six children. Two of her siblings passed away many years ago. Recently she lost her oldest brother and a sister. Both within a couple months. Her and one sister are the only two remaining "children" of her parents. She is over ninety years old. Our family is dying out. There are many carrying out future generations on her brothers' side. There aren't many of us able to carry out future generations on the sisters' side.
With this I am realizing my grandma probably won't be with the family much longer. Maybe a few more years left for her. A decade, tops. Having been forgiven from God, of this and many other sins, I should also extend forgiveness towards her. But how do I do this? I have already told my mother that I am at this stage in my healing. Should I just forgive in my heart? Let her know? How I would I go about that when she hasn't asked forgiveness? Obviously I can't tell her over the phone. When seeing next do I bring it up casually "Grandma, I forgive you in your role in the abortion. Pass the peas."
The books and articles never said it would be easy. The authors, who have been in the same situation and/or talked with those who have, admit to that. It takes prayer and contemplation. It must be worked out with time. For some it takes longer than others.
Now let's get to the subject. Early last year I learned, from my mother, that the abortion was my grandma's idea. You can read about it here and here. Perhaps I said some things that were a bit cruel and crossed a line. At the time I was in a fog. It all seemed like a dream. A dream where you know the characters and think you know the story while simultaneously not knowing the story.
The wounds have now been healed. I am in different place. My state of mind is changed.
Since the flashbacks started and I was searching for information, through online articles and books,to help understand what was going on forgiveness was one the focuses. At the time of reading, I didn't know the extent of my grandma's involvement. So it never even crossed my mind to forgive her.
A few things happened, before and after, since learning the information about my grandma. Soon after the breakdown I had confessed and received absolution from a (denomination redacted) pastor, in regards to the sin of the abortions; and a few related things. That should go into a post all of its own. Then at some point I was able to forgive myself for the abortions.
My grandmother is the oldest daughter of six children. Two of her siblings passed away many years ago. Recently she lost her oldest brother and a sister. Both within a couple months. Her and one sister are the only two remaining "children" of her parents. She is over ninety years old. Our family is dying out. There are many carrying out future generations on her brothers' side. There aren't many of us able to carry out future generations on the sisters' side.
With this I am realizing my grandma probably won't be with the family much longer. Maybe a few more years left for her. A decade, tops. Having been forgiven from God, of this and many other sins, I should also extend forgiveness towards her. But how do I do this? I have already told my mother that I am at this stage in my healing. Should I just forgive in my heart? Let her know? How I would I go about that when she hasn't asked forgiveness? Obviously I can't tell her over the phone. When seeing next do I bring it up casually "Grandma, I forgive you in your role in the abortion. Pass the peas."
The books and articles never said it would be easy. The authors, who have been in the same situation and/or talked with those who have, admit to that. It takes prayer and contemplation. It must be worked out with time. For some it takes longer than others.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
Get Up and Dust Off
No, that's not like telling someone to "forget and move on." Nor is it asking of anyone to do this. Simply talking to myself. Been about half a year since my last posting. Was busy with work and gardening most of the spring and summer. More on that later. Yes, it is true that I stated I had a breakthrough. And yes I really did.
But does it mean that everything is hunky-dory, happy, smiley all the time? No. Does it mean I will sometimes have setbacks? Yes. Does it mean I will sometimes memory recalls? Yes. Does it mean I will sometimes have bouts of anxiety? Yes.
Look, I am a realist. I can never be positive NOR negative at all times. It's just not within me. My mantra is like the line from The Facts of Life theme song; "You take the good, you take the bad. The facts of life, the facts of life."
During the past six months I've had ups and downs. Nothing extreme, one way or the other. Started gardening. Or should I say the first time I have actually stuck with it? Was all excited; ordering seeds, imagining the yummy veggies that would grow in my own yard, the happy arrival, sowing some seeds indoors, waiting for better weather to direct sow the rest outside. But not everything went as planned; unpredictable weather, wind storm taking down greenhouse and with it quite a few seedlings, bugs and slugs.
The negativity of gardening would bring me down. Sometimes wanting to give up. From which I would take a break. Sometimes I had to force myself to do the simple things like watering the plants. Wondering why I even bothered. Would have tight knots of anxiety at the thought of wandering out into the garden. But once I got over the hump my enthusiasm would come back. Would stay outside as long as I could to make the yard and garden all pretty.
As I posted a couple years ago, the neighbors' lawn equipment would give me anxiety. Not much of a problem this year. There were a few times I would pace about, wanting the noise to stop. But all in all, no big deal.
Some stress at work. But nothing beyond normal. Mostly, it's a job. Would be too tired to partake in local summer festivities. Took part in a few church activities. Everything about church is terrific.
While majority of the time wasn't bothered with much in regard to the abortion. I do recall a setback on the Fourth of July. As long time readers recall, this was the date I broke up with "Matt" just before the second abortion. Not that I was dwelling on it before the anxiety. The anxiety happened first. Was pretty much fine before that, and then *whomp*! Let it ride out. Then I was fine again.
Anxiety showed up again around Labor Day weekend. This would be the anniversary of having one of my cats put down. Of all the cats that have passed on his death I took the hardest. Sometimes, looking back, I think transposed my feelings of the abortion onto the grieving of his death. Though this happened before the flashbacks, the memories were readying to bubble up.
I am still healing. I will probably always be in some sort of state of healing. I don't think this is something you can totally forget once you remember. The thing to do is move forward. Not "move on." Trying to "move on" can be futile. Causes nothing but frustration when memory recalls come up. I think that was one of my biggest mistakes for the first year or so after the flashbacks.
Sometimes I will fall. I will get back up. Dust myself off. Move forward on my journey. I will probably fall again and get back up again. With many repeats for the rest of my time on this earth. I have just learned to take that prospect in stride.
I really couldn't get through this without faith in God. Mostly I do my daily devotional routine and read from scripture, keeping my focus on Jesus. But if I am having a particular rough time with things I will take time to pray and ask God respite from my anxiety.
One comfort I receive is from the "Categories of the Psalms" in the back of "Reading the Psalms with Luther." I will choose a few suggested verses from a category that matches with my current thoughts and what's going on at the moment. This was a suggestion by someone I consider a friend and confidant. Oh "The Golden Girls"!
But does it mean that everything is hunky-dory, happy, smiley all the time? No. Does it mean I will sometimes have setbacks? Yes. Does it mean I will sometimes memory recalls? Yes. Does it mean I will sometimes have bouts of anxiety? Yes.
Look, I am a realist. I can never be positive NOR negative at all times. It's just not within me. My mantra is like the line from The Facts of Life theme song; "You take the good, you take the bad. The facts of life, the facts of life."
The negativity of gardening would bring me down. Sometimes wanting to give up. From which I would take a break. Sometimes I had to force myself to do the simple things like watering the plants. Wondering why I even bothered. Would have tight knots of anxiety at the thought of wandering out into the garden. But once I got over the hump my enthusiasm would come back. Would stay outside as long as I could to make the yard and garden all pretty.
As I posted a couple years ago, the neighbors' lawn equipment would give me anxiety. Not much of a problem this year. There were a few times I would pace about, wanting the noise to stop. But all in all, no big deal.
Some stress at work. But nothing beyond normal. Mostly, it's a job. Would be too tired to partake in local summer festivities. Took part in a few church activities. Everything about church is terrific.
While majority of the time wasn't bothered with much in regard to the abortion. I do recall a setback on the Fourth of July. As long time readers recall, this was the date I broke up with "Matt" just before the second abortion. Not that I was dwelling on it before the anxiety. The anxiety happened first. Was pretty much fine before that, and then *whomp*! Let it ride out. Then I was fine again.
Anxiety showed up again around Labor Day weekend. This would be the anniversary of having one of my cats put down. Of all the cats that have passed on his death I took the hardest. Sometimes, looking back, I think transposed my feelings of the abortion onto the grieving of his death. Though this happened before the flashbacks, the memories were readying to bubble up.
I am still healing. I will probably always be in some sort of state of healing. I don't think this is something you can totally forget once you remember. The thing to do is move forward. Not "move on." Trying to "move on" can be futile. Causes nothing but frustration when memory recalls come up. I think that was one of my biggest mistakes for the first year or so after the flashbacks.
Sometimes I will fall. I will get back up. Dust myself off. Move forward on my journey. I will probably fall again and get back up again. With many repeats for the rest of my time on this earth. I have just learned to take that prospect in stride.
I really couldn't get through this without faith in God. Mostly I do my daily devotional routine and read from scripture, keeping my focus on Jesus. But if I am having a particular rough time with things I will take time to pray and ask God respite from my anxiety.
One comfort I receive is from the "Categories of the Psalms" in the back of "Reading the Psalms with Luther." I will choose a few suggested verses from a category that matches with my current thoughts and what's going on at the moment. This was a suggestion by someone I consider a friend and confidant. Oh "The Golden Girls"!
Sunday, January 15, 2017
I'm Mad at God!
Well, not really. Well, yes, maybe. I don't know.
I am coming up over a cold that had me bed ridden for a while, other than going to work. But not only that, it is around about the time my first child (Anastasia) would have been conceived twenty years ago. Funny thing about when you are sick in bed; not much you can do except sleep, read, watch online movies, and think. The thinking is what can sometimes knock you down. Heck, even the sleeping, if you are notorious for weird dreams. Which I am.
Been having buttload of baby and young child dreams. Nothing I can really remember much of. Sometimes it can just be simply giving birth. Having the baby in my life, yet being kept at arms lengths from being able to hold her. An older child being introduced to her new sibling. Being at an airport or some sort of transportation center; handing children over to some random woman and saying goodbye.
OK. That being said; let's get to the title of this post. The phrase "hindsight is 20/20" seems to be fitting for my current situation. When I have been awake I am just mopey. Hard to clean house, fix a meal, or do any regular household chores. Just sit and stare. While not technically a thing, I would call it "conception mourning." I already Googled to see if the description existed. Nope. I guess there is a rock band by that name, or a song.
I have read that women who have had abortions will mourn many anniversaries surrounding the abortion(s). One of those times could be in regard to the time the child was conceived. Probably true for women who have experienced miscarriages.
Looking back, that could be consciously or sub-consciously. In my case, I think it is leaning more towards the sub-contentiously. January has always been a sucky month for me. Never knew why. Always attributed to coming down from the holidays. Which could easily be true. But not the complete picture.
It was about this time three years ago, in 2014, in which I had my first break down. I felt like absolute crap! Yet I didn't know why. Oh, this has got to be a whole separate post as to when my break down and memories started. I will get to that soon. Hopefully sooner than later.
In the looking back, I feel as though I am mad at God. Where was He during the "family intervention"? Why didn't He give me the words to convince my family that abortion was wrong? Why didn't He smite my family; mom, aunt, grandmother? OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. Why didn't He at least temporarily incapacitate them, to give me time to get away from them? I could have run off and hid until I could find something resembling a nineties version of a crisis pregnancy center. Where was He the night before the abortion? Where was He when I walked into that clinic? Where was He just before the abortion happened? Where was He afterward?
Actually, come to think of it, where was God when I first met "Matt"? Where was He when"Matt" was first trying to seduce me? Where was He the night I finally did relent?
As has been stated in the post about the abortion itself, I came to a "conclusion" "that there is no God." But the reality is; I rejected God before the abortion. Sure, I had been baptized as a toddler. Sure, my mother occasionally took me to Sunday school, sometimes keeping me with her during church services. Sure, I did attend church during high school. Even belonging to the teen club at church and joining the teen choir. Of course calling myself a Christian. But I didn't really have much of a prayer life, nor attended church after graduating high school.
So, basically I didn't turn to Him during any of the moments leading up to the abortion. Didn't pray for the relationship between "Matt" and myself. Didn't pray about my child after I became pregnant. Don't remember much about what I was doing or thinking in the time between the "intervention" and the abortion. But I do know I didn't pray about it.
So in the end, it is myself I am mad at me. Not God.
(Since the time of the abortion I have since came back to church. It has been a journey. Becoming a member of a denomination different than that which I grew up. Joining a church of another denomination, once again. But this time I am sticking to it to the end. Have a much stronger prayer life. Perhaps I will talk about that at a later time.)
I am coming up over a cold that had me bed ridden for a while, other than going to work. But not only that, it is around about the time my first child (Anastasia) would have been conceived twenty years ago. Funny thing about when you are sick in bed; not much you can do except sleep, read, watch online movies, and think. The thinking is what can sometimes knock you down. Heck, even the sleeping, if you are notorious for weird dreams. Which I am.
Been having buttload of baby and young child dreams. Nothing I can really remember much of. Sometimes it can just be simply giving birth. Having the baby in my life, yet being kept at arms lengths from being able to hold her. An older child being introduced to her new sibling. Being at an airport or some sort of transportation center; handing children over to some random woman and saying goodbye.
OK. That being said; let's get to the title of this post. The phrase "hindsight is 20/20" seems to be fitting for my current situation. When I have been awake I am just mopey. Hard to clean house, fix a meal, or do any regular household chores. Just sit and stare. While not technically a thing, I would call it "conception mourning." I already Googled to see if the description existed. Nope. I guess there is a rock band by that name, or a song.
I have read that women who have had abortions will mourn many anniversaries surrounding the abortion(s). One of those times could be in regard to the time the child was conceived. Probably true for women who have experienced miscarriages.
Looking back, that could be consciously or sub-consciously. In my case, I think it is leaning more towards the sub-contentiously. January has always been a sucky month for me. Never knew why. Always attributed to coming down from the holidays. Which could easily be true. But not the complete picture.
It was about this time three years ago, in 2014, in which I had my first break down. I felt like absolute crap! Yet I didn't know why. Oh, this has got to be a whole separate post as to when my break down and memories started. I will get to that soon. Hopefully sooner than later.
In the looking back, I feel as though I am mad at God. Where was He during the "family intervention"? Why didn't He give me the words to convince my family that abortion was wrong? Why didn't He smite my family; mom, aunt, grandmother? OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. Why didn't He at least temporarily incapacitate them, to give me time to get away from them? I could have run off and hid until I could find something resembling a nineties version of a crisis pregnancy center. Where was He the night before the abortion? Where was He when I walked into that clinic? Where was He just before the abortion happened? Where was He afterward?
Actually, come to think of it, where was God when I first met "Matt"? Where was He when"Matt" was first trying to seduce me? Where was He the night I finally did relent?
As has been stated in the post about the abortion itself, I came to a "conclusion" "that there is no God." But the reality is; I rejected God before the abortion. Sure, I had been baptized as a toddler. Sure, my mother occasionally took me to Sunday school, sometimes keeping me with her during church services. Sure, I did attend church during high school. Even belonging to the teen club at church and joining the teen choir. Of course calling myself a Christian. But I didn't really have much of a prayer life, nor attended church after graduating high school.
So, basically I didn't turn to Him during any of the moments leading up to the abortion. Didn't pray for the relationship between "Matt" and myself. Didn't pray about my child after I became pregnant. Don't remember much about what I was doing or thinking in the time between the "intervention" and the abortion. But I do know I didn't pray about it.
So in the end, it is myself I am mad at me. Not God.
(Since the time of the abortion I have since came back to church. It has been a journey. Becoming a member of a denomination different than that which I grew up. Joining a church of another denomination, once again. But this time I am sticking to it to the end. Have a much stronger prayer life. Perhaps I will talk about that at a later time.)
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Multi-Gemstone Pro-Life Rosary Bracelet
At the retreat I was given a few gifts from some of the retreat leaders. Some of them were gifts of the same thing that were given to each attendee. Some were individual gifts given to me. Most of them were saint medals and charms for jewelry. I am sure others were given "personalized" gifts.
I am not sure, but I think the reason I was given so many medals is because I told someone at the retreat that I had wanted to bring my full Rosary that also had an Untier of Knots center, but left it at home. And I also told them about the bracelet. Since the place of the retreat was held at a Catholic retreat center there were many Christian images, such as Jesus (of course), Mary (of course), Joseph, well known saints, popes and such. I had asked them if they knew if one of the images was the Undoer of Knots, somewhere. Just to look at and bring some comfort. Wouldn't you know it?! That person also had a medal of the Untier of Knots! They give it to me. And said I could keep it. Which was very nice. I thought I would add it to my bracelet when I came home.
Others at the retreat had heard about this. Then they gave me some charms, at different breaks/after sessions during the retreat. They had said that the priest who was there as the spiritual leader had blessed them. So I am not sure if they asked him to bless them with me in mind or not. So I decided I would add those to my bracelet also.
During my stay at the local hotel in the town of the retreat, not having anything to do with the retreat, I felt lead to make a completely new bracelet inspired by the retreat. The bracelet would be inspired by the wonderful persons I met. Since there was ten of us, myself included, it was the perfect number for a full decade! Of course I won't tell how each person inspired me, but I will say that each different and individual bead was chosen by all the wonderful qualities of each attendee. Please read below about the charms and choosing of the Crucifix, Our Father Bead, and main medal.
Each bead is a genuine gemstone. Medals and charms given to me are Mary Untier of Knots, Our Lady of Fatima, tag that says "blessed," and St. Therese of the Little Flower. The charms are foot prints, baby carriage, and a teddy bear holding a bouquet of flowers; that I already had.
I had chosen the Pope Francis cross for the Crucifix, for the simple of humbleness of it. As a reminder of Jesus being The Shepherd leading his flock who doesn't forget a one of us who stumbles and becomes lost. I choose a large crimson colored bead as the Our Father bead, as a symbol of Jesus' blood shed on the cross; for all us sinners. The main medal is Mary of the Streets. Chosen for the humility and unpretentiousness. According to this Wikipedia link the image was not originally intended as religious. But so evoked the thought of Mary holding baby Jesus.
I only wear this bracelet at home. I want to avoid anyone asking me about it. I have no problem with anyone noticing the other one. If someone were to ask about it, I could just say I made it because of my pro-life views, without mentioning my having had the abortions. This one it might would be more difficult to avoid that in the explanation.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Should I Go to Church?
This is a post that I originally started in the Daily Thoughts Page, but I started getting long winded and decided to make it into a post.
It is after midnight already, so I guess that makes today Sunday already. As I have stated, I do not have issues with God or Christianity. Or at least not now. But I do have issues with church itself. I have said that I am a member of a local Protestant church that I really don't attend. I would like to get back to attending church. But the thought of going does give me anxiety. Should I go to the church I am a member of? A different Protestant church? But which one? A Catholic church? Which I am somewhat considering.
The issue is that the church, the denomination as a whole, that I am a member of is known for it's liberal leanings. Their "official" statement on abortion is rather wishy washy and worded so the member/reader can take the meaning to however they want. But basically they are so called "pro-choice" in their dealings and actions.
I am a single woman. Never been married. No prospects on the horizon. The idea of marital status in most churches is that you need to be married, to be taken seriously. This even in the more liberal churches that "champion" gay marriage, homosexuality, and/or abortion; with a "meh" attitude towards premarital sex.
I feel that even in the church I belong to if I were to proclaim "I am a proud lesbian who has had multiple abortions. No regrets! My body, my choice!" I would be taken more seriously than being unmarried, heterosexual, conservative and pro-life.
Many of the churches that are known as pro-life and traditional family/marriage will look akin to a woman who is unmarried. Yet, not really so much towards unmarried men. The attitude is that the men are just not ready or something. But unmarried women are to be pitied. There must be something wrong with her. Maybe she's a promiscuous feminist.
Whether the church is liberal or conservative, women are expected to be married, unless they are gay. You will only be expected to be taken seriously if you can physically give them future members or pew sitters. Oh gosh, and the gossip. No one will talk to you, but will make up stories about you left and right.
Yes, I know, the focus should be on Christ. I am being guided in this area in finding a Christ centered Bible based church. But still, isn't community supposed be part of the church? If that is the fact, then shouldn't all Christians be accepted into the church community, regardless of their station in life?
It is after midnight already, so I guess that makes today Sunday already. As I have stated, I do not have issues with God or Christianity. Or at least not now. But I do have issues with church itself. I have said that I am a member of a local Protestant church that I really don't attend. I would like to get back to attending church. But the thought of going does give me anxiety. Should I go to the church I am a member of? A different Protestant church? But which one? A Catholic church? Which I am somewhat considering.
The issue is that the church, the denomination as a whole, that I am a member of is known for it's liberal leanings. Their "official" statement on abortion is rather wishy washy and worded so the member/reader can take the meaning to however they want. But basically they are so called "pro-choice" in their dealings and actions.
I am a single woman. Never been married. No prospects on the horizon. The idea of marital status in most churches is that you need to be married, to be taken seriously. This even in the more liberal churches that "champion" gay marriage, homosexuality, and/or abortion; with a "meh" attitude towards premarital sex.
I feel that even in the church I belong to if I were to proclaim "I am a proud lesbian who has had multiple abortions. No regrets! My body, my choice!" I would be taken more seriously than being unmarried, heterosexual, conservative and pro-life.
Many of the churches that are known as pro-life and traditional family/marriage will look akin to a woman who is unmarried. Yet, not really so much towards unmarried men. The attitude is that the men are just not ready or something. But unmarried women are to be pitied. There must be something wrong with her. Maybe she's a promiscuous feminist.
Whether the church is liberal or conservative, women are expected to be married, unless they are gay. You will only be expected to be taken seriously if you can physically give them future members or pew sitters. Oh gosh, and the gossip. No one will talk to you, but will make up stories about you left and right.
Yes, I know, the focus should be on Christ. I am being guided in this area in finding a Christ centered Bible based church. But still, isn't community supposed be part of the church? If that is the fact, then shouldn't all Christians be accepted into the church community, regardless of their station in life?
Which is the Real Punishment; Baby or Abortion?
I was thinking about the comment President Barack Obama made regarding not wanting his daughters to be "punished with a baby," in 2008, during his first presidential election.
While I try to leave political views out of my posts I believe in looking at all angles of an issue. I am not one to get my information from just one source or the other. I refuse to focus on information that leans to one agenda or the other. So I decided to refresh myself with the segment of his speech through a Google search. Supposedly, he wasn't talking about abortion or supporting getting abortions for his daughters. I watched the video clip, read the "explanations" from both sides. Yeah, it's rather iffy and can be taken either way; depending on what the person's view is already. Typical of most politicians. I will let you click the Google search here and decide on your own. Either way, the attitude of being "punished with a baby" seems to be within the pro-abortion side.
This got me to thinking; in comparison to a pregnancy or abortion, which is really the punishment? A baby is a gift. Not a gift from the woman's husband or boyfriend (or fill in other possibilities). But she is a gift from God. Would you take a gift from a friend or beloved family member and say "gee thanks, I really like this, but not right now or not ever" and then tear it up and throw it in the trash?
Remember, I have had abortions also, so I am not judging. Just reflecting and looking back.
I am reminded of when I was in the third grade, being the latchkey kid that I was, while my mom was at work I snuck into her closet to find two Cabbage Patch dolls that she was holding until Christmas. I guess I had misbehaved in school or didn't do my homework or something. So she took one of the dolls back. After opening Christmas presents that year I looked around asking my mom where the other doll was. Oops. She asked me why I thought there was another doll. I had to tell her. She was mad.
Here's my point. Kids get presents from their parents. When they misbehave the parents sometimes take away the gift. There is a similarity to that and abortion, especially when the mother is forced or coerced. Maybe even when the mother was in full decision of the abortion, whether she let anyone know about it. Whether there is pressure from family, boyfriend/husband, friends, or society they are the ones who are telling the woman that "she is a bad little girl" and should have her gift taken away as her punishment. She doesn't deserve to have the baby. Yet, it is packaged as the pregnancy being the punishment. Again, even for the woman who made the decision on her own, she too is being punished by society. Due to society's view on pregnancy during "imperfect circumstances" and abortion.
*I don't quite recall if the actual word "punishment" was used during the "family intervention" but I do remember the allusion to the "fact" that continuing a pregnancy would be a "punishment."
When making the comparisons to parents taking away a gift and pressure to abort it is almost like these YouTube videos out there where parents hammer out or shoot up a kid's expensive tech item such as iPhone, iPad, laptop, Xbox, etc. Kid misused the privilege, that comes along with such tech objects, given to them. So the parents destroy the object, while the kid can do nothing but witness the destruction. Never again to be in a useable condition or to be seen anymore.
Which is quite similar to abortion being used as a punishment. The child is destroyed. Never to be loved. Never to be held. Never for the parents to see or hear his firsts; words, crawling, walking, eating solids, attending school, extracurricular activities, marriage, family of their own. The mother of the aborted child is there to witness the destruction. There is nothing she can do to stop it. Afterwards she just stares at the destruction, not able to anything but cry. Maybe not now, but possibly later.
I have always thought these videos of the parents destroying their kids' high end toys are dumb. The parents could hold onto the toy until the kid straightens up. Give it to charity. Sell it on eBay. Do something where the item is not destroyed and can still be used.
Same with a child where the mother is currently unable take care of the child. She should be encouraged to carry the pregnancy to terms. Her family should be there to support her and the child, given resources on being able to care for the child while being raised by her. If there is no way to do that perhaps someone could step up and take care of the child until the mother is in a situation to raise the child herself. If there is no one able to do that for her then encourage adoption.
Of course a child can not completely be compared to an inanimate object. That is where the similarities differ. Yes, when the Xbox or whatever is being destroyed the kid is going to be upset and cry. But they will not look back years or decades away and mourn for the object that was destroyed. They may possibly realize they were dumb for doing whatever it was that caused the destruction of the object.
As for the abortion she will look back at the abortion and regret it. Regret that there is no way to bring back the child. She may even regret partaking in the action that got her pregnant. Of course I am looking at this from the perspective of a woman who was unmarried at the time. I do realize that there are women who are married at the time of their pregnancies,who abort. My empathy goes out to them, whatever the situation.
Another difference between the parents who destroy inanimate objects and abortions is that the tech gadget is a gift from the earthly parents. While a baby is a gift from God, our Heavenly Father. The gift from the parents is destroyed by the parents who gave them the gift. The gift from God is NOT destroyed by The Father who gave the gift to the family. But is destroyed by the world and the culture.
This is something I am finally coming to terms with. At the time of my first abortion I came to "the 'realization' that there was no God." I never knew I had that thought until sometime last year, in 2014.
*Recent additions after editing
While I try to leave political views out of my posts I believe in looking at all angles of an issue. I am not one to get my information from just one source or the other. I refuse to focus on information that leans to one agenda or the other. So I decided to refresh myself with the segment of his speech through a Google search. Supposedly, he wasn't talking about abortion or supporting getting abortions for his daughters. I watched the video clip, read the "explanations" from both sides. Yeah, it's rather iffy and can be taken either way; depending on what the person's view is already. Typical of most politicians. I will let you click the Google search here and decide on your own. Either way, the attitude of being "punished with a baby" seems to be within the pro-abortion side.
This got me to thinking; in comparison to a pregnancy or abortion, which is really the punishment? A baby is a gift. Not a gift from the woman's husband or boyfriend (or fill in other possibilities). But she is a gift from God. Would you take a gift from a friend or beloved family member and say "gee thanks, I really like this, but not right now or not ever" and then tear it up and throw it in the trash?
Remember, I have had abortions also, so I am not judging. Just reflecting and looking back.
I am reminded of when I was in the third grade, being the latchkey kid that I was, while my mom was at work I snuck into her closet to find two Cabbage Patch dolls that she was holding until Christmas. I guess I had misbehaved in school or didn't do my homework or something. So she took one of the dolls back. After opening Christmas presents that year I looked around asking my mom where the other doll was. Oops. She asked me why I thought there was another doll. I had to tell her. She was mad.
Here's my point. Kids get presents from their parents. When they misbehave the parents sometimes take away the gift. There is a similarity to that and abortion, especially when the mother is forced or coerced. Maybe even when the mother was in full decision of the abortion, whether she let anyone know about it. Whether there is pressure from family, boyfriend/husband, friends, or society they are the ones who are telling the woman that "she is a bad little girl" and should have her gift taken away as her punishment. She doesn't deserve to have the baby. Yet, it is packaged as the pregnancy being the punishment. Again, even for the woman who made the decision on her own, she too is being punished by society. Due to society's view on pregnancy during "imperfect circumstances" and abortion.
*I don't quite recall if the actual word "punishment" was used during the "family intervention" but I do remember the allusion to the "fact" that continuing a pregnancy would be a "punishment."
When making the comparisons to parents taking away a gift and pressure to abort it is almost like these YouTube videos out there where parents hammer out or shoot up a kid's expensive tech item such as iPhone, iPad, laptop, Xbox, etc. Kid misused the privilege, that comes along with such tech objects, given to them. So the parents destroy the object, while the kid can do nothing but witness the destruction. Never again to be in a useable condition or to be seen anymore.
Which is quite similar to abortion being used as a punishment. The child is destroyed. Never to be loved. Never to be held. Never for the parents to see or hear his firsts; words, crawling, walking, eating solids, attending school, extracurricular activities, marriage, family of their own. The mother of the aborted child is there to witness the destruction. There is nothing she can do to stop it. Afterwards she just stares at the destruction, not able to anything but cry. Maybe not now, but possibly later.
I have always thought these videos of the parents destroying their kids' high end toys are dumb. The parents could hold onto the toy until the kid straightens up. Give it to charity. Sell it on eBay. Do something where the item is not destroyed and can still be used.
Same with a child where the mother is currently unable take care of the child. She should be encouraged to carry the pregnancy to terms. Her family should be there to support her and the child, given resources on being able to care for the child while being raised by her. If there is no way to do that perhaps someone could step up and take care of the child until the mother is in a situation to raise the child herself. If there is no one able to do that for her then encourage adoption.
Of course a child can not completely be compared to an inanimate object. That is where the similarities differ. Yes, when the Xbox or whatever is being destroyed the kid is going to be upset and cry. But they will not look back years or decades away and mourn for the object that was destroyed. They may possibly realize they were dumb for doing whatever it was that caused the destruction of the object.
As for the abortion she will look back at the abortion and regret it. Regret that there is no way to bring back the child. She may even regret partaking in the action that got her pregnant. Of course I am looking at this from the perspective of a woman who was unmarried at the time. I do realize that there are women who are married at the time of their pregnancies,who abort. My empathy goes out to them, whatever the situation.
Another difference between the parents who destroy inanimate objects and abortions is that the tech gadget is a gift from the earthly parents. While a baby is a gift from God, our Heavenly Father. The gift from the parents is destroyed by the parents who gave them the gift. The gift from God is NOT destroyed by The Father who gave the gift to the family. But is destroyed by the world and the culture.
This is something I am finally coming to terms with. At the time of my first abortion I came to "the 'realization' that there was no God." I never knew I had that thought until sometime last year, in 2014.
*Recent additions after editing
Friday, February 13, 2015
Additions to Previous Post
I reread the previous post Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) an added more that I originally wanted to say when first published. The following is what I added. If you have not read the full post already, please click the link in the title above.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
A Letter to my Mother
I have been going through some issues lately. My anxiety seems to come and go. Some days I am totally fine. Others I am a total basket case. During the "basket days" I can go from lethargy to anger and back and forth. One thing going on is my relationship with my mother. We have never really been estranged, but more strained. I have tried to open up communications, at first I thought she was understanding, but I feel it is more she waits for me to show vulnerability to attack me while I am wounded. The following is the first letter/email of my "coming out" in regards to the anxiety about the abortions so many years ago. I did not mention my personal abortions, just alluding to them. The letter has been slightly edited to eliminate names and/or locations that would identify me.
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon. I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits. And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet. Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics. And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector. Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix. Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion. If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon. I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits. And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet. Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics. And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector. Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix. Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion. If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Damn! That Hurt!
More of my story, previous posts in chronological order;
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
"Matt" Didn't Care
Her Views Turned on a Dime
This is probably the scariest part of my story in regards to the first abortion. I have told of all the events leading up to this moment.
The following may contain "colorful language" and graphic subject matter. This is also where memories seem to be the haziest.
After relenting to the having the abortion done my mother came to pick me up to take me to the town she was living in. See Her Views Turned on a Dime for more on my mother's change of heart in regards to my pregnancy. I do not remember much about the ride to her apartment. I do recall her "reassuring talk" about the daughter of one of her friends from work who had an abortion. When I asked my mother "what if this is the only chance I could have a baby" she responded with telling me about the girl's abortion. She had said that when the girl's sister was pregnant she told her mother, my mother's work friend, that the baby she was carrying could be "the spirit of her sister's aborted baby." I have recently been seeing this whole "spirit of the aborted baby come back in a new baby" sort of thing in a few "words of comfort" stories. I don't think I actually bought it then, and I sure as hell don't buy it now! But at that time, I was grabbing at straws and trying to believe anything while nothing seemed believable. S
he also told me that I would have plenty of chances to have more children and would be married and settle down. How did she know that? Did she really believe what she was saying? The future is no guarantee.
I do not know if "Matt" knew about me visiting my mother or not. I may have told him, I may have not. The next day we went to the abortion clinic. I do not know if the trauma has blocked out my memory or if I had been drugged, possibly to not notice any protestors or just basic avoid backing out. Either way, I do not recall the drive to the clinic. Though I do know exactly where it was. The locale was inside an older plaza type building. It is now another business, with a Planned Parenthood across the street in a newer building. I do not recall the walking in. I do not recall anything about the waiting area. I do not know if I sat in the waiting area or if I was ushered directly into the "procedure" room. I do not know if there were other people in the waiting area. I do not remember filling out the paper work. I do not know if my mother stayed in the waiting room or not.
The only time I was told anything about what would happen was in the "procedure" room. I was told by someone I assumed was a nurse that they would be applying local anesthesia to my cervix. Then use a few instruments to dilate the cervix. Then use a vacuum aspirator to pull the baby out. They made it sound like the baby would be pulled out in one piece. Not that that makes it any better, just less gory than the reality of it being pulled out in pieces. That seems about right. I don't think I was really listening. My body was on the exam table, but I have no clue where the hell my mind was. I do not recall actually seeing the instruments or given many details.
I do not recall when the doctor was in the room. He may have been there as soon as I arrived in the room or later after the anesthesia. Or not there at all. I really don't know.
They told me it wouldn't hurt a bit and it would just be a pinch. LIARS! It freakin hurt like hell!!! I literally felt like every damn organ was being sucked out! It was at that moment that I decided there is no God. The moment of my rejection of God is only a revelation I have only realized until now.
I must have gotten up off the table. That or I floated to the doorway. Either option is a possibility. The nurse type lady told me that I would need to sit in a recovery room. I had horrible cramping in my abdomen, bowels and rectal area. The best way to describe it was like my butthole was getting ready to release an atomic fart, but something was obstructing it. I recall making a dumb joke that I wasn't sure if I wanted to puke or take a dump. That is the last thing I remember. Perhaps I used the restroom, perhaps I didn't. I do not even remembering being in the recovery room. I do not know if I slept, read a magazine, watched TV or stared at a wall until my mother picked me up. I do not remember her taking me from the clinic.
I do not recall how long I was at my mother's apartment. I don't know if I slept or what I did during that time. The only thing I clearly remember after that was going to a Wal-Mart with my mother. We were in line waiting to purchase our items. Behind us was a couple about my age. They had a baby in a stroller with them. The baby was crying. Basic fussing, like babies do, not causing too much of a scene. I was about ready to burst into tears. I asked my mother for the car keys to wait in the car.
I bolted out of that store so fast. The moment I got in the car I bawled like never before. Tears streaming down my face and hyperventilating in my breathing. My mother got in the car. Asked me what was wrong. Really? She couldn't put the two together? I said something to the effect of "I killed my baby" or "I will never see my baby" or both of those things. Her response? Oh, that's all. I thought maybe the baby was annoying you and something about I did the right thing, it was no big deal, I would get over it, etc. Then and there I decided that the only thing to do was to be numb about the situation.
The aftermath...To be continued...
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
"Matt" Didn't Care
Her Views Turned on a Dime
This is probably the scariest part of my story in regards to the first abortion. I have told of all the events leading up to this moment.
The following may contain "colorful language" and graphic subject matter. This is also where memories seem to be the haziest.
After relenting to the having the abortion done my mother came to pick me up to take me to the town she was living in. See Her Views Turned on a Dime for more on my mother's change of heart in regards to my pregnancy. I do not remember much about the ride to her apartment. I do recall her "reassuring talk" about the daughter of one of her friends from work who had an abortion. When I asked my mother "what if this is the only chance I could have a baby" she responded with telling me about the girl's abortion. She had said that when the girl's sister was pregnant she told her mother, my mother's work friend, that the baby she was carrying could be "the spirit of her sister's aborted baby." I have recently been seeing this whole "spirit of the aborted baby come back in a new baby" sort of thing in a few "words of comfort" stories. I don't think I actually bought it then, and I sure as hell don't buy it now! But at that time, I was grabbing at straws and trying to believe anything while nothing seemed believable. S
he also told me that I would have plenty of chances to have more children and would be married and settle down. How did she know that? Did she really believe what she was saying? The future is no guarantee.
I do not know if "Matt" knew about me visiting my mother or not. I may have told him, I may have not. The next day we went to the abortion clinic. I do not know if the trauma has blocked out my memory or if I had been drugged, possibly to not notice any protestors or just basic avoid backing out. Either way, I do not recall the drive to the clinic. Though I do know exactly where it was. The locale was inside an older plaza type building. It is now another business, with a Planned Parenthood across the street in a newer building. I do not recall the walking in. I do not recall anything about the waiting area. I do not know if I sat in the waiting area or if I was ushered directly into the "procedure" room. I do not know if there were other people in the waiting area. I do not remember filling out the paper work. I do not know if my mother stayed in the waiting room or not.
The only time I was told anything about what would happen was in the "procedure" room. I was told by someone I assumed was a nurse that they would be applying local anesthesia to my cervix. Then use a few instruments to dilate the cervix. Then use a vacuum aspirator to pull the baby out. They made it sound like the baby would be pulled out in one piece. Not that that makes it any better, just less gory than the reality of it being pulled out in pieces. That seems about right. I don't think I was really listening. My body was on the exam table, but I have no clue where the hell my mind was. I do not recall actually seeing the instruments or given many details.
I do not recall when the doctor was in the room. He may have been there as soon as I arrived in the room or later after the anesthesia. Or not there at all. I really don't know.
They told me it wouldn't hurt a bit and it would just be a pinch. LIARS! It freakin hurt like hell!!! I literally felt like every damn organ was being sucked out! It was at that moment that I decided there is no God. The moment of my rejection of God is only a revelation I have only realized until now.
I must have gotten up off the table. That or I floated to the doorway. Either option is a possibility. The nurse type lady told me that I would need to sit in a recovery room. I had horrible cramping in my abdomen, bowels and rectal area. The best way to describe it was like my butthole was getting ready to release an atomic fart, but something was obstructing it. I recall making a dumb joke that I wasn't sure if I wanted to puke or take a dump. That is the last thing I remember. Perhaps I used the restroom, perhaps I didn't. I do not even remembering being in the recovery room. I do not know if I slept, read a magazine, watched TV or stared at a wall until my mother picked me up. I do not remember her taking me from the clinic.
I do not recall how long I was at my mother's apartment. I don't know if I slept or what I did during that time. The only thing I clearly remember after that was going to a Wal-Mart with my mother. We were in line waiting to purchase our items. Behind us was a couple about my age. They had a baby in a stroller with them. The baby was crying. Basic fussing, like babies do, not causing too much of a scene. I was about ready to burst into tears. I asked my mother for the car keys to wait in the car.
I bolted out of that store so fast. The moment I got in the car I bawled like never before. Tears streaming down my face and hyperventilating in my breathing. My mother got in the car. Asked me what was wrong. Really? She couldn't put the two together? I said something to the effect of "I killed my baby" or "I will never see my baby" or both of those things. Her response? Oh, that's all. I thought maybe the baby was annoying you and something about I did the right thing, it was no big deal, I would get over it, etc. Then and there I decided that the only thing to do was to be numb about the situation.
The aftermath...To be continued...
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