Monday Book Reads - Her Choice to Heal

I have mentioned before that soon after the memories came to light I started reading books regarding post abortion healing. I would like to share some of those books in which have helped me in my healing journey. I am thinking of doing a weekly book spotlight. I have chosen Monday. Seems a good day as any. The best way to give a description of the books is to do a copy/paste of the Amazon.com description. It would be the best way to give credit to what the author is trying to convey through their writings. I may reread the book and give quick short review, within the week. It may be interesting to reread with fresh eyes.
Perhaps, you dear reader, are post-abortive and/or know someone who is. The abortion may have been recent. Perhaps happened a few years ago. Maybe even a few decades. And the woman is just now remembering, as is what happened with me. You are trying to figure out what's going on, within yourself. Or you want to help your friend/family member. But you don't know how. While most of these books are written with the post abortive woman as the reader in mind, they can also help others to understand the thoughts and actions of the post abortive woman. They can be a suggestion for the post abortive woman in your life. But do not, I repeat DO NOT suggest any book to her UNLESS and only unless she has shown interest in getting healing information.
Most books on the subject are Christian based. A few are non religious in nature. The Christian based books are not so overt as to be of uninterest to non Christians.
Whether you are the post abortive woman or she is someone you know, the healing may come right away, or it may take a while, even a few years. Please do not begin reading with a healing timeline. Just give to God in prayer and let Him do his work in you.

That being said, the inauguration book for this new series is Her Choice to Heal by Sydna Masse. The title itself says it all. The choice to heal needs to be the woman's herself. She does not need anybody to be "helpful," as it can seem a bit pushy, putting her on the spot.

Description from Amazon.com;

What do 33% of American women have in common?  They've experienced abortion.

You might be one of these women. Or maybe it's your friend, sister, coworker, or the woman sitting next to you at church. Regardless, post-abortive women are in pain, and at some point, most will experience post-abortion syndrome (PAS), a form of post traumatic stress disorder. But they may never talk about it. Many are silent because they are filled with shame, grief and guilt, afraid of judgment and condemnation.  Few realize that peace is attainable through Christ's mourning process and the knowledge that because of His grace, they will reunite with their lost loved ones in Heaven.
Her Choice to Heal is designed to help women find a way to God's healing after this devastating choice.  Written by a post-abortive woman, it includes testimonies of strength, healing and hope.  Sydna compassionately leads you on the difficult journey through denial, anger, and grief, to forgiveness, redemption, and letting go.  Her Choice to Heal offers a roadmap to healing - practical suggestions, resources for help, space to journal, with the encouragement and hope found in Christ alone. 

Can be purchased at this link.

Giving to Toys for Tots

Gawd, Christmas is rather crappy this year. Or at least the commercialization sappy Frosty the Snowman crap is.  I have always tried to remember Christmas is about Jesus, the birth of the coming of Our Savior. But I haven't really put much emphasis on that.  Until this year.
This year the main focus decorations are a ceramic Nativity set of my grandma's with a new Creche I bought on Amazon and an Advent Wreath all prominently displayed on the mantle.  Surrounded by a a couple of Eastern style icons.  Previously I would go all out with bright colorful decorations and bright lights.  All that I've got for the more "holiday themed" stuff is a small white tree with a few ornaments and white lights. I do have some of the old "holiday" decor scattered about on my desk, debating whether they should go back in the packing box.  Not really sure where to put them.

For many of the Christmases during the past 20 years after the abortions; when I have seen children's toys prominently displayed I have had a strange yearning.  A yearning to buy the toys.  But I didn't know why.  As I had no one to give the toys to.  And up until early 2014, the abortions never even crossed my mind.  I was a good little girl like my mom and Planned Parenthood told me to be and "forgot all about it."

I am not one to tell others of giving to charity.  I find it rather tacky.  But part for my healing I felt the need to purchase some little girl toys and give them to the local Toys for Tots.  Though Anastasia and Hanelore would now be college age, I tried to think of what they would have liked to play with had they been allowed a childhood.  I thought of things I liked when I was little.  Got a set of white and pink pots and pans and cooking utensils, a purse puppy in a pink purse that comes with a a doggie brush and bone, a tiara princess set with white and pink rhinestones, an Elsa and Anna dolls from the Frozen movie.  That movie didn't come out until a couple years ago, but I saw it once and thought it was a cute movie so I figured some little girls would like to play with them.
I am not going to buy anything for friends and family this year.  I used to make presents for people.  But this year my heart just isn't in it.  Nor is my heart into buying presents.

I was fine up until I got into the store.  Even while I was shopping for other things I needed in the house I was excited to buy the toys.  But then when I got to the toy aisle I just about lost it.  I was a bit teary eyed. Oh, and it didn't help there was a grandma shopping with her younger grandkids.  Yeah, and grandma was probably no more than ten years older than me.  Cute, I am almost grandma age and I don't even have kids.  Though I was supposed to have them, but denied them.  I was trying so hard not to cry in front of them all.  Yay, and the store was playing the obligatory cheery happy "holiday" songs.  You now about reindeer, Frosty the snowman, The Chipmunks singing "holiday" music, sitting cozy by the fireplace with your significant other, family gathering, etc.  Oh happy joy!

Where I purchased the toys from no longer had the drop box.  But I know other places in town have drop boxes.  So I took the toys home and put them under the tree.  Oddly, I found it rather comforting.  Although it is rather bittersweet.  Made me think of the presents I didn't get to, but should have put under the tree for my daughters.  I have asked around and found a few places where I can take them before they get picked up.  For now I will think of the little girls who will find joy in the toys.

My Name is Kathy, I Live in Michigan

In May I was considering coming out of the closet, the abortion closet that is.  I was contemplating letting friends and family know I have had two abortions.  With much fear, I came out.  Is it freeing?  Perhaps.  But maybe not.  What made me finally decide to do it?  Issues with my mother.

How did I do it?  Due to issues with my mother I was texting with an out of state friend.  I was feeling stressed.  I decided right then and there the truth needed to be told.  I wanted to shout it out on Facebook.  I needed to shout it out somewhere.  I felt like I was going to burst!  Problem was, my internet access was down at the time.  After much prayerful thought I gave my friend the go ahead to post to my wall.  It was scary.  I did not know if I was doing the right thing or not.  All I could do was trust in God.  Many of my friends are pro-life.  I even have a few family members on Facebook.  I was afraid they may think of me as a bad person - not for having the abortion - but for letting out the secret.  Even though they did not know at the time.  I was afraid they would tell my mother.  And my mother would get upset at me, for revealing the secret sin.  I did receive support in comments.  The friend who posted was kind enough to share said comments. 

Why am I not so sure if it is freeing?  As I said above, there is that fear of what people would think.  I was afraid of loosing friends on Facebook.  But at the same time if they are going to stop being friends because of a past abortion sin then they were probably never friends.  In some ways I do want to lose friends.  I feel I don't deserve friends.  I feel I deserve to be left alone. 

Why did I do it?  It needs to be done.  The pro-abortion side is going into overdrive with their agenda.  Using TV and popular culture to make abortion look cool and normal.  Attacking pro-life movements outright.  Also, I felt stifled in my talking about pro-life issues.  I would start to talk about something and then feel like I would need to hold back.  I was afraid of others wondering how I would know anything about what it is really like for a post abortive woman.  I was afraid of them knowing I was post abortive.  When reading comments to posts from pro-life pages on social media I would see nasty judgmental comments.  I would want to respond.  I would overthink on how to reply and try to sound as impersonal as possible.  One of the many specifics I have wanted to talk about is how I think the "doctor" from the second abortion is somewhat a Kermit Gosnell of Michigan.  I want to be able to share the pro-life books I have read, here on this blog and on Facebook, without anyone getting suspicious.  If everyone knows who I am, there is no reason to fear.  And not having fear is how I can tackle the pro-abortion side.

Coming Out of the Pro-Life Closet

I am torn.  In the post "Do You Know Me?" I had mentioned that a friend expressed an interest in posting some of my posts/about my blog at their church's Facebook page.  I am somewhat leaning that way.  But still not ready to do that, yet.  They would not reveal me as the writer.  But I am still apprehensive about being "recognized."  I would like to think that if anyone were to realize it was written by me they would not judge or think less of me.  And hopefully they would not ask me about it, nor ask the friend if it is me.

Even though there have been times I have considered posting a new post to my Facebook I don't think I am able to do that.  I would still post as though it were just something I came across online.  Which wouldn't be too far off.  As I do post about pro-life issues.  Yet my friends, and family too would wonder why not only I was posting a story about "a woman who has had abortions" but that the whole blog was the telling of the "woman who has had the abortions" from her own view.

I have one friend who is not only adamantly pro-life, but can also be harsh towards women who have had abortions.  This person once posted to Facebook an article about Norma McCorvey, "Jane Roe" from the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court case.  They called her a b&**% and said that "she should rot in hell."  Funny thing is, that the article they posted was from a pro-life website where she was talking about revealing her connection to Roe v. Wade, how she is now pro-life and her activism to stopping abortion.  Did "FB Friend" even read the article or watch the accompanying video?
Of course I could block this person from seeing any of the posts.  But I still, how would others react?  I know I have other pro-life friends.  And they have posted pro-life related items.  While their reactions are not quite as extreme as above described person, they have expressed a dislike for women having abortions and not understanding how someone could have abortions.   Although, they have not alluded to a dislike for the women themselves.  But I do wonder what is in their hearts?

I did talk today with the friend who is the administrator of their church's Facebook page about possibly revealing the blog, but not my "real name."  They said it would be up to me and would not do anything without me expressly giving the go ahead.  This is something I would have to think long and hard about and DEFINITELY pray over before I made a decision.  Once I go forward, I can't go back.  Plus, I would not want to put them in the compromising situation of having to answer any questions should someone ask "about the author of "Abortions Sucks!".

Do You Know Me?

This is a post I have been having bopping about in my head for a few days.  It could have a few multiple connections to it.  Then in an email exchange my dummy self told my mother about this blog, just not the title or link.  But more about that later.

I try to stay as anonymous online as possible in regards to the abortions.  When writing I try to be as basic as possible while trying to avoid anyone recognizing me.  I make sure that no one knows where I live or where the abortions took place.  I avoid using names in any way.  There are only a rare few couple of persons who know me and this blog, simultaneously.  Telling others of my abortions is something I am unable to do.  Though I am able to speak of it and my thoughts "behind the safety of a computer."
A friend who is the administrator to their church's Facebook page expresses an interest in linking my blog to one of the page's postings.  The selfLESS side of me would allow it,if it would help someone who has had an abortion, those wondering about the life of a post-abortion person and/or someone in a crisis pregnancy.  The selfISH side of me knows that many of my friends read that page.  While I do try to be as careful as possible not to be recognized, I am still afraid that there may be that one minute thing that a friend could pick up on.
I am many persons to many people.  Those who know of my Anastasia and Hanelore account don't know my personal likes and dislikes or basic bio info.  I have a Facebook account on my real name.  Those people know my likes and dislikes along with basic bio info.  And even though they know I am pro-life and post about pro-life news and issues, they do not know about my abortions.  
Sometimes I wonder if my family, friends and co-workers even know me.

Even as myself, I feel as though others don't really know me.  In this fast paced world, we as a society don't take the time to know others.  All we want to do is make small talk with others.  We judge others.  We make up stories about others.  It's easier than to talk and listen to those who are hurting.

We see so many people around us.  Perhaps they seem fine, perhaps not.  Abortion is legal.  Yet there is shame with it.  No one wants to admit to having one.  Maybe it is because deep down, legal or not, our consciousnesses tell us and know it is a sin.
Perhaps the girl standing behind you at the grocery store has had an abortion.  What about the checkout girl at the grocery store you see once or twice a week during your shopping.  You talk to her about her cats, her home, her kids, her spouse, her parents, etc.  But you don't know the pain she may be hiding.  I am in no way advocating that you ask her about her personal details.  Just saying that many people are hiding hurts that many of us could not imagine.

It is not just about abortion either.  Some of it could be sins that the person was directly involved in.  Maybe it was something beyond their control that the sin was committed against them.  Somebody told them they were in the wrong and they feel guilt for no reason.

One of the things that bugs me is middle age men who say to women, "Why don't you smile?".  And yes, it is almost always middle age men that do that.  But not all middle age men do that.  I mean, REALLY?!  They don't even know me!  Be they customers from my job, someone in line at the store, someone from church that I don't even have regular conversations with, or what have you.  I always want to ask, "do you know me?".
That's the thing with modern society.  Everyone is expected to smile, smile, smile!  For no reason.  It would be one thing for someone to walk around with a constant frown.  Even then still, if you don't know the person, leave them alone.  There life is none of your business!  Can't people just have a neutral look on their face without someone bothering them?