I am Responsible

I am sure to some readers the writing of my abortion experience may seem as though I am bragging about it. Or maybe that I am not taking responsibility for my part. Maybe I am placing blame on others.

It is a delicate balancing act for me. I do take responsibility for my part. But that is just it, my part. I was the one who was pregnant. I was the last in line to choose to have my children sucked out of me. I should have stood up for the sake of my daughters. The blame for the second abortion lies more on part than the first. That is a hard reality to take, but I take it. In the middle of the night I find myself saying aloud "I killed my children." Completely audible.

Am I the only one to blame? No. When the first pregnancy was confirmed I may not have been elated, but abortion sure as hell didn't come across my mind! There were others who led, maybe even manipulated me into relenting to the abortion. "Matt" for his non committal attitude. My mother for the turn around in support. My grandmother for the deception.

The common consensus is that people need to take the blame for their own actions. Yes, that is true. While the woman is the ultimate decider in whether to have the abortion; those who influence, coerce, or even at times force her, should accept their culpability in the death of the woman's child.
A few days ago I did a Google search about the statistics regarding the percentage of women who are coerced into abortion. Many websites and pro-life books state around 64%. Personally, I would believe the statistics to be at a much higher rate. From a website, The UnChoice, is this;

 Up to 64 percent of abortions involve feelings of being pressured to have an abortion, and other factors, such as rushed, deceptive, negligent or conflicted or profit-driven counseling, can also have a significant and often synergistic coercive effect.⁴ Furthermore, based on even the most minimal standards of care and human rights, such assembly-line care is exploitative at best and a recognized human rights abuse, even under liberal abortion laws.

Full article of How Common is Coercion, here.

I was Once Pro-Choice...

The following will be rather disjointed and slightly out of order...

Pro-Choice. What does that even mean? I suppose it could mean anything to any people. So many labels. Pro-Choice. Pro-Life. Pro-Abortion. Anti-Life. Anti-Abortion. Some of these labels are self identified, by individuals and organizations. Some of these labels are thrown onto "the enemy," by individuals, organizations, media and pundits. So much of "don't call me this, call me that," "that label sounds cruel and heartless," "this label sounds more kinder."

That being said; let's focus mainly on the Pro-Choice label. Seems to have gone through many definitions since my abortion in 1995. Mainly, I have thought of it as someone who doesn't "personally support abortion, but supports other women's 'right' to abort." Of course there are others, from both "sides," who could explain the definition better.

I had always considered myself Pro-Life; since high school, at the time of my pregnancy with Anastasia, and even after the abortion. Ironic, huh? Yeah, I was Pro-Life, yet I couldn't even keep my own child, my flesh and blood, alive.

I recall sometime after the second abortion watching some sort of docudrama about Margaret Sanger, founder of Planned Parenthood, on Lifetime Television. You know, the network for women, about women, by women; or something like that. Actress Dana Delaney played the so-called "heroine." Off topic, but they did quite a good casting. They do resemble each other quite well.
Back to the subject at hand. While watching the movie the "big bad lawmakers," media, society, and law enforcement was being meany-weany to her. She was talking to doctors and "medical experts." Doing "research." Making housecalls to women who were doing the supposed coat hanger abortions on themselves at home. Oh I was sitting in front of the TV just rooting her on.

That's not even the worst. I was going through a cruel period in my life. I recall watching Maury or Sally Jesse, this was the big age of talk shows in the mid 90's. The show was girlfriends and ex-girlfriends revealing big major secrets. Believe it or not, I had the cruel fantasy of someday I would go on the show and reveal both abortions to "Matt." LORD forgive me!

Then, at some point I went through a black out period in regards to the abortions. Totally forgetting about them. Didn't think about them at all. Yet still, I considered myself Pro-Life.

Fast forward a decade or so. I started getting involved politically. I identified as a Republican. Got involved with political meetings. Did some volunteering for a few campaigns. Went to conventions and such.
Did quite a bit of conservative blogging. No, I will not reveal the old blog. It has been taken down, no more to be written there. One of the Republican and conservative issues is the Pro-Life cause, more or less. Again, remember, I was thinking myself Pro-Life. Yet in a few of my posts I was lamenting "why is everyone so obsessed with abortion."
It is rather hard to explain, but I had forgotten my abortions yet simultaneously remembering I had had abortions. My attitude toward those talking about Pro-Life was "stop obsessing," "yeah, abortion is bad," "but it's going to happen anyways," "it's been going on since just about the beginning of time," "focus on the economy."
I still believe there is a correlation between economy and abortion. But both need to be focused on. Believe it or not, I still considered myself Pro-Life. I don't even know if I supported making abortion illegal at the time.

In conclusion, many of those on the Pro-Life end of things say that if one does not believe in making abortion illegal and is whole heartedly against abortion for all then really you are Pro-Choice or Pro-Abortion. Basically, I have come to believe that yes I was once Pro-Choice.
I am now wholly and fully Pro-Life. I would like to talk more about how I came about that view. But I need to fill in a few gaps. It would have to include the beginning of my breakdown. That was not a one time thing. It was a slow process leading up. I am not sure I am ready for that. Perhaps I am. But it would take some sit down time to think and pray for the right words.

From Suicide to Conversion: Recovering From an Abortion

A positive change of heart story taken from LifeNews.com;

After trying to kill myself to escape the overwhelming guilt after my abortion, I emerged from my month spent in an adolescent psychiatric unit with an incongruous newly-found zeal for abortion rights.
Within weeks of my discharge from the psych unit, I found myself on a bus to Washington, D.C. to march for abortion rights and soon after I began volunteering as an escort for a first-trimester abortion clinic. An advanced degree in psychology isn’t necessary to see that I was plainly trying to assuage my guilt (and protect my delicate and damaged psyche) by assuming the precise opposite of what I truly believed. Freud called this reaction formation, one of many coping strategies he dubbed defense mechanisms. I certainly took reaction formation to the extreme by espousing the most diametrically opposed position of my innermost heart when I accepted the offer of a job at an abortion clinic.
Read More Here