"Forgive and forget" or "Forgive, but you don't have to forget." Oh that's easy for *you* (You as in society in general) to say. Maybe it's not. Have *you* taken your own advice? Has someone told you those words, after someone else hurt you and/or you learned new information about a situation that changed everything as you thought you knew it? Did *you* make a snap decision to forgive immediately? Or are *you* using your hearer as a social guinea pig, of sorts? Perhaps *you* want to see whether or not the hearer will forgive the other person. Maybe *you* are "timing" them. To see how long it will take for them to forgive. Then you can validate your own slothfulness.
Now let's get to the subject. Early last year I learned, from my mother, that the abortion was my grandma's idea. You can read about it here and here. Perhaps I said some things that were a bit cruel and crossed a line. At the time I was in a fog. It all seemed like a dream. A dream where you know the characters and think you know the story while simultaneously not knowing the story.
The wounds have now been healed. I am in different place. My state of mind is changed.
Since the flashbacks started and I was searching for information, through online articles and books,to help understand what was going on forgiveness was one the focuses. At the time of reading, I didn't know the extent of my grandma's involvement. So it never even crossed my mind to forgive her.
A few things happened, before and after, since learning the information about my grandma. Soon after the breakdown I had confessed and received absolution from a (denomination redacted) pastor, in regards to the sin of the abortions; and a few related things. That should go into a post all of its own. Then at some point I was able to forgive myself for the abortions.
My grandmother is the oldest daughter of six children. Two of her siblings passed away many years ago. Recently she lost her oldest brother and a sister. Both within a couple months. Her and one sister are the only two remaining "children" of her parents. She is over ninety years old. Our family is dying out. There are many carrying out future generations on her brothers' side. There aren't many of us able to carry out future generations on the sisters' side.
With this I am realizing my grandma probably won't be with the family much longer. Maybe a few more years left for her. A decade, tops. Having been forgiven from God, of this and many other sins, I should also extend forgiveness towards her. But how do I do this? I have already told my mother that I am at this stage in my healing. Should I just forgive in my heart? Let her know? How I would I go about that when she hasn't asked forgiveness? Obviously I can't tell her over the phone. When seeing next do I bring it up casually "Grandma, I forgive you in your role in the abortion. Pass the peas."
The books and articles never said it would be easy. The authors, who have been in the same situation and/or talked with those who have, admit to that. It takes prayer and contemplation. It must be worked out with time. For some it takes longer than others.
Showing posts with label Questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Questions. Show all posts
Monday, September 11, 2017
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Does He Even Remember Me?
That's a question I asked myself last night while trying to sleep.
I sometimes have dreams about getting back together with "Matt." Many times it comes to fruition. But then he disappears. Or one of us we will try to contact each other, yet missing a connection. We are never parents in any of the dreams. I never really gave much thought to any of these dreams, other than wonder where that came from after waking up.
Until last night. I was thinking about him. Thought about the good times and the bad times. And yes, there were good times. But does he remember any of them? Does he remember the woman he dated for a year and a half? Does he remember the woman whom he impregnated? Does he ever wonder if the child really was lost to miscarriage? Did he ever wonder if she was pregnant before breaking up with him? If he thought yes, did he wonder what happened to that child?
Does he even remember her name? Does he remember what she looks like? Does he remember that he was her first...everything?
I remember the first time he kissed me. I giggled. It was nothing against him. I wasn't laughing at him. I was almost twenty years old, and had never been kissed! Heck, I had never even dated anyone! It was a nervous reaction. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to say it back. He was rather offended by that. I wasn't sure if I did love him. I didn't know what love is. Perhaps I still don't. I did end up reciprocating the sentiment. But did I mean it? Did he mean it? I don't know. Perhaps, on both accounts.
I remember the first time he tried to have sex with me. I remember being swept away and taken in. Almost relenting. Then pulling back. I remember the first time of surrendering to him. The details of which would not be appropriate to speak of.
During the breakdown of 2014 I did check on Facebook to see if he had a profile set up. Not really that I wanted to reconnect, just checking to see if he was on there. What would I even say to him? Why would I tell him that I was contacting him after all this time? At that time he was in a relationship. He may or may not still be.
I have since found out that he now has a son. Doing the math, that son is less than a year younger than what Hanelore would be. Because I don't know the exact mathematics of that boy's birth month or even when Hanelore's due date would have been; I am not sure if "Matt" impregnated another woman towards the end of our relationship or soon after my breaking up with him.
There is a bit of hurt in that. Whether he was cheating on me or started a relationship soon after the break up. I can't help but wonder what was so special about the mother of his son that she was "allowed to" give birth to his child, but I wasn't. Did she have support from "Matt"? Did she have support from her family? Or was she stronger than me and stood up to them all? Is she the woman "Matt" is in a relationship with, or was recently? Does "Matt" look at his son and think that the son may or may not have a sister? Does he regret his non committal attitude toward my pregnancy with Anastasia?
I sometimes have dreams about getting back together with "Matt." Many times it comes to fruition. But then he disappears. Or one of us we will try to contact each other, yet missing a connection. We are never parents in any of the dreams. I never really gave much thought to any of these dreams, other than wonder where that came from after waking up.
Until last night. I was thinking about him. Thought about the good times and the bad times. And yes, there were good times. But does he remember any of them? Does he remember the woman he dated for a year and a half? Does he remember the woman whom he impregnated? Does he ever wonder if the child really was lost to miscarriage? Did he ever wonder if she was pregnant before breaking up with him? If he thought yes, did he wonder what happened to that child?
Does he even remember her name? Does he remember what she looks like? Does he remember that he was her first...everything?
I remember the first time he kissed me. I giggled. It was nothing against him. I wasn't laughing at him. I was almost twenty years old, and had never been kissed! Heck, I had never even dated anyone! It was a nervous reaction. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to say it back. He was rather offended by that. I wasn't sure if I did love him. I didn't know what love is. Perhaps I still don't. I did end up reciprocating the sentiment. But did I mean it? Did he mean it? I don't know. Perhaps, on both accounts.
I remember the first time he tried to have sex with me. I remember being swept away and taken in. Almost relenting. Then pulling back. I remember the first time of surrendering to him. The details of which would not be appropriate to speak of.
During the breakdown of 2014 I did check on Facebook to see if he had a profile set up. Not really that I wanted to reconnect, just checking to see if he was on there. What would I even say to him? Why would I tell him that I was contacting him after all this time? At that time he was in a relationship. He may or may not still be.
I have since found out that he now has a son. Doing the math, that son is less than a year younger than what Hanelore would be. Because I don't know the exact mathematics of that boy's birth month or even when Hanelore's due date would have been; I am not sure if "Matt" impregnated another woman towards the end of our relationship or soon after my breaking up with him.
There is a bit of hurt in that. Whether he was cheating on me or started a relationship soon after the break up. I can't help but wonder what was so special about the mother of his son that she was "allowed to" give birth to his child, but I wasn't. Did she have support from "Matt"? Did she have support from her family? Or was she stronger than me and stood up to them all? Is she the woman "Matt" is in a relationship with, or was recently? Does "Matt" look at his son and think that the son may or may not have a sister? Does he regret his non committal attitude toward my pregnancy with Anastasia?
Sunday, January 15, 2017
I'm Mad at God!
Well, not really. Well, yes, maybe. I don't know.
I am coming up over a cold that had me bed ridden for a while, other than going to work. But not only that, it is around about the time my first child (Anastasia) would have been conceived twenty years ago. Funny thing about when you are sick in bed; not much you can do except sleep, read, watch online movies, and think. The thinking is what can sometimes knock you down. Heck, even the sleeping, if you are notorious for weird dreams. Which I am.
Been having buttload of baby and young child dreams. Nothing I can really remember much of. Sometimes it can just be simply giving birth. Having the baby in my life, yet being kept at arms lengths from being able to hold her. An older child being introduced to her new sibling. Being at an airport or some sort of transportation center; handing children over to some random woman and saying goodbye.
OK. That being said; let's get to the title of this post. The phrase "hindsight is 20/20" seems to be fitting for my current situation. When I have been awake I am just mopey. Hard to clean house, fix a meal, or do any regular household chores. Just sit and stare. While not technically a thing, I would call it "conception mourning." I already Googled to see if the description existed. Nope. I guess there is a rock band by that name, or a song.
I have read that women who have had abortions will mourn many anniversaries surrounding the abortion(s). One of those times could be in regard to the time the child was conceived. Probably true for women who have experienced miscarriages.
Looking back, that could be consciously or sub-consciously. In my case, I think it is leaning more towards the sub-contentiously. January has always been a sucky month for me. Never knew why. Always attributed to coming down from the holidays. Which could easily be true. But not the complete picture.
It was about this time three years ago, in 2014, in which I had my first break down. I felt like absolute crap! Yet I didn't know why. Oh, this has got to be a whole separate post as to when my break down and memories started. I will get to that soon. Hopefully sooner than later.
In the looking back, I feel as though I am mad at God. Where was He during the "family intervention"? Why didn't He give me the words to convince my family that abortion was wrong? Why didn't He smite my family; mom, aunt, grandmother? OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. Why didn't He at least temporarily incapacitate them, to give me time to get away from them? I could have run off and hid until I could find something resembling a nineties version of a crisis pregnancy center. Where was He the night before the abortion? Where was He when I walked into that clinic? Where was He just before the abortion happened? Where was He afterward?
Actually, come to think of it, where was God when I first met "Matt"? Where was He when"Matt" was first trying to seduce me? Where was He the night I finally did relent?
As has been stated in the post about the abortion itself, I came to a "conclusion" "that there is no God." But the reality is; I rejected God before the abortion. Sure, I had been baptized as a toddler. Sure, my mother occasionally took me to Sunday school, sometimes keeping me with her during church services. Sure, I did attend church during high school. Even belonging to the teen club at church and joining the teen choir. Of course calling myself a Christian. But I didn't really have much of a prayer life, nor attended church after graduating high school.
So, basically I didn't turn to Him during any of the moments leading up to the abortion. Didn't pray for the relationship between "Matt" and myself. Didn't pray about my child after I became pregnant. Don't remember much about what I was doing or thinking in the time between the "intervention" and the abortion. But I do know I didn't pray about it.
So in the end, it is myself I am mad at me. Not God.
(Since the time of the abortion I have since came back to church. It has been a journey. Becoming a member of a denomination different than that which I grew up. Joining a church of another denomination, once again. But this time I am sticking to it to the end. Have a much stronger prayer life. Perhaps I will talk about that at a later time.)
I am coming up over a cold that had me bed ridden for a while, other than going to work. But not only that, it is around about the time my first child (Anastasia) would have been conceived twenty years ago. Funny thing about when you are sick in bed; not much you can do except sleep, read, watch online movies, and think. The thinking is what can sometimes knock you down. Heck, even the sleeping, if you are notorious for weird dreams. Which I am.
Been having buttload of baby and young child dreams. Nothing I can really remember much of. Sometimes it can just be simply giving birth. Having the baby in my life, yet being kept at arms lengths from being able to hold her. An older child being introduced to her new sibling. Being at an airport or some sort of transportation center; handing children over to some random woman and saying goodbye.
OK. That being said; let's get to the title of this post. The phrase "hindsight is 20/20" seems to be fitting for my current situation. When I have been awake I am just mopey. Hard to clean house, fix a meal, or do any regular household chores. Just sit and stare. While not technically a thing, I would call it "conception mourning." I already Googled to see if the description existed. Nope. I guess there is a rock band by that name, or a song.
I have read that women who have had abortions will mourn many anniversaries surrounding the abortion(s). One of those times could be in regard to the time the child was conceived. Probably true for women who have experienced miscarriages.
Looking back, that could be consciously or sub-consciously. In my case, I think it is leaning more towards the sub-contentiously. January has always been a sucky month for me. Never knew why. Always attributed to coming down from the holidays. Which could easily be true. But not the complete picture.
It was about this time three years ago, in 2014, in which I had my first break down. I felt like absolute crap! Yet I didn't know why. Oh, this has got to be a whole separate post as to when my break down and memories started. I will get to that soon. Hopefully sooner than later.
In the looking back, I feel as though I am mad at God. Where was He during the "family intervention"? Why didn't He give me the words to convince my family that abortion was wrong? Why didn't He smite my family; mom, aunt, grandmother? OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. Why didn't He at least temporarily incapacitate them, to give me time to get away from them? I could have run off and hid until I could find something resembling a nineties version of a crisis pregnancy center. Where was He the night before the abortion? Where was He when I walked into that clinic? Where was He just before the abortion happened? Where was He afterward?
Actually, come to think of it, where was God when I first met "Matt"? Where was He when"Matt" was first trying to seduce me? Where was He the night I finally did relent?
As has been stated in the post about the abortion itself, I came to a "conclusion" "that there is no God." But the reality is; I rejected God before the abortion. Sure, I had been baptized as a toddler. Sure, my mother occasionally took me to Sunday school, sometimes keeping me with her during church services. Sure, I did attend church during high school. Even belonging to the teen club at church and joining the teen choir. Of course calling myself a Christian. But I didn't really have much of a prayer life, nor attended church after graduating high school.
So, basically I didn't turn to Him during any of the moments leading up to the abortion. Didn't pray for the relationship between "Matt" and myself. Didn't pray about my child after I became pregnant. Don't remember much about what I was doing or thinking in the time between the "intervention" and the abortion. But I do know I didn't pray about it.
So in the end, it is myself I am mad at me. Not God.
(Since the time of the abortion I have since came back to church. It has been a journey. Becoming a member of a denomination different than that which I grew up. Joining a church of another denomination, once again. But this time I am sticking to it to the end. Have a much stronger prayer life. Perhaps I will talk about that at a later time.)
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Coming Out of the Pro-Life Closet
I am torn. In the post "Do You Know Me?" I had mentioned that a friend expressed an interest in posting some of my posts/about my blog at their church's Facebook page. I am somewhat leaning that way. But still not ready to do that, yet. They would not reveal me as the writer. But I am still apprehensive about being "recognized." I would like to think that if anyone were to realize it was written by me they would not judge or think less of me. And hopefully they would not ask me about it, nor ask the friend if it is me.
Even though there have been times I have considered posting a new post to my Facebook I don't think I am able to do that. I would still post as though it were just something I came across online. Which wouldn't be too far off. As I do post about pro-life issues. Yet my friends, and family too would wonder why not only I was posting a story about "a woman who has had abortions" but that the whole blog was the telling of the "woman who has had the abortions" from her own view.
I have one friend who is not only adamantly pro-life, but can also be harsh towards women who have had abortions. This person once posted to Facebook an article about Norma McCorvey, "Jane Roe" from the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court case. They called her a b&**% and said that "she should rot in hell." Funny thing is, that the article they posted was from a pro-life website where she was talking about revealing her connection to Roe v. Wade, how she is now pro-life and her activism to stopping abortion. Did "FB Friend" even read the article or watch the accompanying video?
Of course I could block this person from seeing any of the posts. But I still, how would others react? I know I have other pro-life friends. And they have posted pro-life related items. While their reactions are not quite as extreme as above described person, they have expressed a dislike for women having abortions and not understanding how someone could have abortions. Although, they have not alluded to a dislike for the women themselves. But I do wonder what is in their hearts?
I did talk today with the friend who is the administrator of their church's Facebook page about possibly revealing the blog, but not my "real name." They said it would be up to me and would not do anything without me expressly giving the go ahead. This is something I would have to think long and hard about and DEFINITELY pray over before I made a decision. Once I go forward, I can't go back. Plus, I would not want to put them in the compromising situation of having to answer any questions should someone ask "about the author of "Abortions Sucks!".
Even though there have been times I have considered posting a new post to my Facebook I don't think I am able to do that. I would still post as though it were just something I came across online. Which wouldn't be too far off. As I do post about pro-life issues. Yet my friends, and family too would wonder why not only I was posting a story about "a woman who has had abortions" but that the whole blog was the telling of the "woman who has had the abortions" from her own view.
I have one friend who is not only adamantly pro-life, but can also be harsh towards women who have had abortions. This person once posted to Facebook an article about Norma McCorvey, "Jane Roe" from the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court case. They called her a b&**% and said that "she should rot in hell." Funny thing is, that the article they posted was from a pro-life website where she was talking about revealing her connection to Roe v. Wade, how she is now pro-life and her activism to stopping abortion. Did "FB Friend" even read the article or watch the accompanying video?
Of course I could block this person from seeing any of the posts. But I still, how would others react? I know I have other pro-life friends. And they have posted pro-life related items. While their reactions are not quite as extreme as above described person, they have expressed a dislike for women having abortions and not understanding how someone could have abortions. Although, they have not alluded to a dislike for the women themselves. But I do wonder what is in their hearts?
I did talk today with the friend who is the administrator of their church's Facebook page about possibly revealing the blog, but not my "real name." They said it would be up to me and would not do anything without me expressly giving the go ahead. This is something I would have to think long and hard about and DEFINITELY pray over before I made a decision. Once I go forward, I can't go back. Plus, I would not want to put them in the compromising situation of having to answer any questions should someone ask "about the author of "Abortions Sucks!".
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Straight Talk
Still writing from the sick bed today. Drinking hot tea with honey. And that is fine. It is already known I have a Twitter account. As Twitter only allows up to 140 characters sometimes I have thoughts that are more than 140 characters, yet those thoughts are rather short for a blog post. So I may just start a series of "Daily Twitter Thoughts." Just a running rambling of thoughts on my mind.
I want to be able to do this so as it doesn't come of boring. I also don't want to come off as a "crazy cat lady." I need to be careful with my words. As has been stated, I hope and pray for the ongoing story of my journey to be a help to others who have gone through the same things as me; along with preventing someone else to be in the position I currently am in. Or those who know someone who has had an abortion or possibly may have.
If I look crazy to those in the past experience camp, they may think they are crazy for their feelings. If I look crazy to those in the considering camp they will just assume my situation is an anomaly and they could never be weird like me. Anyways, I am going to try to figure out how to do this.
I want to be able to do this so as it doesn't come of boring. I also don't want to come off as a "crazy cat lady." I need to be careful with my words. As has been stated, I hope and pray for the ongoing story of my journey to be a help to others who have gone through the same things as me; along with preventing someone else to be in the position I currently am in. Or those who know someone who has had an abortion or possibly may have.
If I look crazy to those in the past experience camp, they may think they are crazy for their feelings. If I look crazy to those in the considering camp they will just assume my situation is an anomaly and they could never be weird like me. Anyways, I am going to try to figure out how to do this.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
The Second Abortion
This is a hard post to write. After writing about the first abortion, in categorized posts, I was unable to go forward with writing about the second abortion. Perhaps the reason for that is mental exhaustion, feeling like collapsing after writing about it. Perhaps shame. I don't know. Maybe a bit of both.
It took me forever to even remember the abortions. Though I always knew in the back of my mind, I ignored them. Though they always affected my life in one way or another. The way I lived. The way I reacted around men. The men I chose, or more or less put up with and let choose me.
All the while I lied even to myself after remembering the abortions. I only told myself about the first one. Perhaps it was the differing reactions to finding out about the pregnancies. During the first pregnancy plans were being made for, Anastasia, my first daughter. The second time I never even acknowledged, Hanelore, the child within me. There are even more "blank spots" in this abortion.
Perhaps you may want to start and the beginning and read about the first abortions to know where my story starts and come back when you are finished; My first abortion story.
The following memories are quite fuzzy, possibly more so than those of the first abortion. So, since having the second abortion I moved away from (my hometown) and to (town my mom lived in). I was still seeing "Matt" after the move. I would drive to (his town) see him, or occasionally he would drive to (town) to see me. Of course we were having sexual relations. During one of the visits he saw my belly, it was getting bigger. In fact, I never really even noticed. He asked me if I were pregnant. I denied it, not just to him, but to myself also.
Even if after he pointed it out, I still ignored any thoughts of being pregnant. Then one day while I was at work I went to use the rest room. For some reason when I looked down at my belly I noticed that my tummy was bigger. Then that's when the reality hit that I could be pregnant. So many thoughts came running through all flashing at the speed of light.
I was scared, I recalled everything that went on during the first pregnancy and abortion. "Matt's" reaction and attitude. My mother's attitude and coercion. I really didn't know what to do. I hate to admit it, but I could not envision carrying the pregnancy to term. But I did not like the idea of going through another abortion.
I guess I picked up an at home pregnancy test after work. I don't know. I know sometime soon after I did purchase said test. Maybe it was the next day or during one of my first day off after seeing my large belly. I do remember when seeing the positive results. I know it was quite early in the morning. I was hopelessly frantic. The first thought was abortion, totally unlike the reaction to the first pregnancy.
Very odd, but the first person I called was a professor from college. I should probably back track there. See, even though I was in a relationship with "Matt" I was seeing a professor from the college I was attending. Seeing as in having a bit of a fling. The class I met him in had already finished before anything happened between us. Not that I am excusing anything, just adding the back story.
Gosh, I have no idea how early in the day it was. Just I know it was quite early. I think I woke him up when I called. No "hey, how you doing" I just simply blurted out "I have to have an abortion!". He just said "I can't talk right now." My heart just sank. I felt even more alone than I did before. I didn't even think he could be the father. He had been using condoms during our "trysts." I suppose there could have been a minuscule chance, but I was thinking of Mike being the father. I guess the reason for calling him may have been deep down I wanted him to convince me not to.
Feeling scared, confused and trapped; I looked in the phone book looking under "abortions." I found one ad that said something to the effect of "Pregnant? Feeling scared? Wanting an abortion? Call us." So that's what I did. I called. Some lady answered. I blurted out that I was looking to have an abortion. The lady was really snotty. She said "We don't do abortions!" In a very judgmental tone, and hung up. Not sure which of us hung up first.
I felt even more bad. I thought I could do this on my own without anyone knowing. Now what was I going to do? I was too scared to call anyone after that. I guessed I was going to have to tell my mother.
Looking back, the place I called with the snotty lady was most likely a pregnancy crisis center. Fine, they didn't do abortions. But why couldn't she have tried to talk to me? Ask me questions? Ask why I wanted an abortion? Tried to talk me out of it?
Later in the day Mr. Professor called me. Said he was sorry he wasn't able to talk to me when I called. He was telling me I should have the abortion and that it would probably be best. He told me that he knew others who had abortions. I still wasn't even thinking about the first abortion. It's like I remembered it, but didn't. Looking back, I wonder if he ever wondered if there was a possibility it was his child.
Fast forward to Fourth of July 1996. My family was planning on having a picnic at my grandmother's. My mother and I drove in separate cars. The plan was to meet "Matt" after both of our families had their picnics. I just couldn't face him. I didn't want to. I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to be able to see him. I broke up with him over the phone. He accused me of cheating. I denied it. Yes, I know, Mr. Professor, and all. But he didn't know. There's no way he could know. OK, so there's no excuse.
I just wanted to be alone, away from people. I left my grandmother's. Told my mom I wasn't feeling well. Drove home.
When my mother got home I broke down and told her. I told her I wanted an abortion. She never questioned me or asked if maybe I would want to carry the baby to terms. She asked if I was certain I was pregnant. I told her I was sure and that the pregnancy test had two tests in the kit. Didn't even have to wait the 5 or 10 minutes or however long the instructions said. I could practically see the results show up as I was peeing on the stick.
At some point a doctor's appointment was made. It was confirmed I was pregnant. My mother told the doctor I was for certain going to have an abortion. The insurance and the doctor was connected the Catholic hospital in town. He said because of that he couldn't refer me to an abortionist. Yet, he didn't try to convince me not to have the abortion.
Eventually I was given a vaginal exam at another doctor's office. Oddly, while I don't remember the abortionist from the first abortion, I do remember this guy. He was a short and somewhat chubby. I don't remember his name. He was either Mexican, Mid Eastern or India Indian. Had somewhat of an accent. Doing some internet searching I think, but not sure, he is someone who has gotten in trouble with the state and a few women have died under his "care." But again, I can't say for certain That it is him. I have no idea how far along I was. Not one stinking clue. I was never even told.
Then the time for the abortion came. It was done at one of the hospitals. Obviously not the above mentioned Catholic hospital. The only thing I really recall is an older lady in the waiting room. She asked what we were there for. I didn't know what to say. My mother "chimed in" and said I was having a D & C. The lady responded that she had that done after having a miscarriage. And that was it.
I don't remember anything after that. I was put on full anesthesia. Out cold. Don't even know if the doctor from the exam was the one who did the procedure or if it was someone else. I do not recall waking up from the procedure. I do not know if they had me rest afterward or for how long. I really don't remember leaving or the car ride back home with my mom. The one and only thing I remember is my mom commenting about the lady in the waiting office; saying that she was being nosy or something like that.
I think I had a day or two of recovery. Maybe more. I don't know. I think my mom went back to work after I got home. I do know that when I went back to work there was some reason I had to grab something from storage. In part of the post abortion instructions I was told I was not to lift heavy objects. Considering that no one knew about the abortion I could not just tell the manager that I wasn't going to grab the item for no reason.
The end, but not really...
It took me forever to even remember the abortions. Though I always knew in the back of my mind, I ignored them. Though they always affected my life in one way or another. The way I lived. The way I reacted around men. The men I chose, or more or less put up with and let choose me.
All the while I lied even to myself after remembering the abortions. I only told myself about the first one. Perhaps it was the differing reactions to finding out about the pregnancies. During the first pregnancy plans were being made for, Anastasia, my first daughter. The second time I never even acknowledged, Hanelore, the child within me. There are even more "blank spots" in this abortion.
Perhaps you may want to start and the beginning and read about the first abortions to know where my story starts and come back when you are finished; My first abortion story.
The following memories are quite fuzzy, possibly more so than those of the first abortion. So, since having the second abortion I moved away from (my hometown) and to (town my mom lived in). I was still seeing "Matt" after the move. I would drive to (his town) see him, or occasionally he would drive to (town) to see me. Of course we were having sexual relations. During one of the visits he saw my belly, it was getting bigger. In fact, I never really even noticed. He asked me if I were pregnant. I denied it, not just to him, but to myself also.
Even if after he pointed it out, I still ignored any thoughts of being pregnant. Then one day while I was at work I went to use the rest room. For some reason when I looked down at my belly I noticed that my tummy was bigger. Then that's when the reality hit that I could be pregnant. So many thoughts came running through all flashing at the speed of light.
I was scared, I recalled everything that went on during the first pregnancy and abortion. "Matt's" reaction and attitude. My mother's attitude and coercion. I really didn't know what to do. I hate to admit it, but I could not envision carrying the pregnancy to term. But I did not like the idea of going through another abortion.
I guess I picked up an at home pregnancy test after work. I don't know. I know sometime soon after I did purchase said test. Maybe it was the next day or during one of my first day off after seeing my large belly. I do remember when seeing the positive results. I know it was quite early in the morning. I was hopelessly frantic. The first thought was abortion, totally unlike the reaction to the first pregnancy.
Very odd, but the first person I called was a professor from college. I should probably back track there. See, even though I was in a relationship with "Matt" I was seeing a professor from the college I was attending. Seeing as in having a bit of a fling. The class I met him in had already finished before anything happened between us. Not that I am excusing anything, just adding the back story.
Gosh, I have no idea how early in the day it was. Just I know it was quite early. I think I woke him up when I called. No "hey, how you doing" I just simply blurted out "I have to have an abortion!". He just said "I can't talk right now." My heart just sank. I felt even more alone than I did before. I didn't even think he could be the father. He had been using condoms during our "trysts." I suppose there could have been a minuscule chance, but I was thinking of Mike being the father. I guess the reason for calling him may have been deep down I wanted him to convince me not to.
Feeling scared, confused and trapped; I looked in the phone book looking under "abortions." I found one ad that said something to the effect of "Pregnant? Feeling scared? Wanting an abortion? Call us." So that's what I did. I called. Some lady answered. I blurted out that I was looking to have an abortion. The lady was really snotty. She said "We don't do abortions!" In a very judgmental tone, and hung up. Not sure which of us hung up first.
I felt even more bad. I thought I could do this on my own without anyone knowing. Now what was I going to do? I was too scared to call anyone after that. I guessed I was going to have to tell my mother.
Looking back, the place I called with the snotty lady was most likely a pregnancy crisis center. Fine, they didn't do abortions. But why couldn't she have tried to talk to me? Ask me questions? Ask why I wanted an abortion? Tried to talk me out of it?
Later in the day Mr. Professor called me. Said he was sorry he wasn't able to talk to me when I called. He was telling me I should have the abortion and that it would probably be best. He told me that he knew others who had abortions. I still wasn't even thinking about the first abortion. It's like I remembered it, but didn't. Looking back, I wonder if he ever wondered if there was a possibility it was his child.
Fast forward to Fourth of July 1996. My family was planning on having a picnic at my grandmother's. My mother and I drove in separate cars. The plan was to meet "Matt" after both of our families had their picnics. I just couldn't face him. I didn't want to. I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to be able to see him. I broke up with him over the phone. He accused me of cheating. I denied it. Yes, I know, Mr. Professor, and all. But he didn't know. There's no way he could know. OK, so there's no excuse.
I just wanted to be alone, away from people. I left my grandmother's. Told my mom I wasn't feeling well. Drove home.
When my mother got home I broke down and told her. I told her I wanted an abortion. She never questioned me or asked if maybe I would want to carry the baby to terms. She asked if I was certain I was pregnant. I told her I was sure and that the pregnancy test had two tests in the kit. Didn't even have to wait the 5 or 10 minutes or however long the instructions said. I could practically see the results show up as I was peeing on the stick.
At some point a doctor's appointment was made. It was confirmed I was pregnant. My mother told the doctor I was for certain going to have an abortion. The insurance and the doctor was connected the Catholic hospital in town. He said because of that he couldn't refer me to an abortionist. Yet, he didn't try to convince me not to have the abortion.
Eventually I was given a vaginal exam at another doctor's office. Oddly, while I don't remember the abortionist from the first abortion, I do remember this guy. He was a short and somewhat chubby. I don't remember his name. He was either Mexican, Mid Eastern or India Indian. Had somewhat of an accent. Doing some internet searching I think, but not sure, he is someone who has gotten in trouble with the state and a few women have died under his "care." But again, I can't say for certain That it is him. I have no idea how far along I was. Not one stinking clue. I was never even told.
Then the time for the abortion came. It was done at one of the hospitals. Obviously not the above mentioned Catholic hospital. The only thing I really recall is an older lady in the waiting room. She asked what we were there for. I didn't know what to say. My mother "chimed in" and said I was having a D & C. The lady responded that she had that done after having a miscarriage. And that was it.
I don't remember anything after that. I was put on full anesthesia. Out cold. Don't even know if the doctor from the exam was the one who did the procedure or if it was someone else. I do not recall waking up from the procedure. I do not know if they had me rest afterward or for how long. I really don't remember leaving or the car ride back home with my mom. The one and only thing I remember is my mom commenting about the lady in the waiting office; saying that she was being nosy or something like that.
I think I had a day or two of recovery. Maybe more. I don't know. I think my mom went back to work after I got home. I do know that when I went back to work there was some reason I had to grab something from storage. In part of the post abortion instructions I was told I was not to lift heavy objects. Considering that no one knew about the abortion I could not just tell the manager that I wasn't going to grab the item for no reason.
The end, but not really...
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
What Were Her True Thoughts?
After finishing writing the Her Views Turned on a Dime, in regards to my mother's coercing of the abortion, I figured I needed to write the following before I continue any further. I have a few questions running through my mind.
I am wondering what my mother's true feelings were when she found out I was pregnant. Was she truly supportive of the pregnancy and my choice to keep the baby, at first? Did she want me to have an abortion from the start? Was her "support" a rouse to relax me and gain my trust? Was she talking to "pro-choice" persons as soon as she found out I was pregnant? Was she waiting for the "right timing" to spring forth coercing me into the abortion? Had she been given talking points from Planned Parenthood or another abortion center about how to coerce me? What did they tell her, if so? Did they tell her I may object? And how to counter my objections? If there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time did they tell her? If so, did they tell her how to avoid having me considering contacting them? Did they tell her that I may bring up the suggestion of adoption?
Did they give her all the information in regards to abortion? Yet, tell her to avoid any of the "grisly" details? Or did they give her the "cute little phrases" and tired old tripe talking points? My mother should have known the details. As she had been a hospital nurse before I was born, along with working in a doctor's office after my parents' divorce. My mother wasn't clueless about all the details involved in pregnancy.
Of course women who have been pregnant know the basic details about babies, pregnancy and birth. But she knew the ins and outs details of the biology and terminology from conception to birth. She still had her biology books from nursing school in the early 70's on her book shelf. Along with books with updated info, from the early to mid 80's.
Did she know that complications, needless complications, can result from abortion? Did she know that women still die from "legal" abortions? Did she know that babies get torn to bits while being sucked through the vacuum? Did she know that the abortion vacuum is 29 times more powerful than a household vacuum? Did she know that damage can be done to the body; i.e. cervix, uterus? Did she know that such damage can cause miscarriages in future pregnancies due to weak cervix muscles? Did she know that overall infertility can be caused due to the damage? Did she know that women who have had abortion can have a higher risk of breast cancer? Did she know that women who have had abortions have a higher risk of suicide than any other groups of women? Did she know that many, if not most, women who have aborted babies have regrets, whether soon after or many years down the road? Despite what she told me during the coercion? Did she not know that messing with a pregnant woman's body is damaging and not right, along with being very invasive?
I really would truly like to believe that she really was supportive of me and my child, her grandchild, at the beginning. But it does make one wonder how she could switch views over something as trite as a dumb old unpaid speeding ticket!
I am wondering what my mother's true feelings were when she found out I was pregnant. Was she truly supportive of the pregnancy and my choice to keep the baby, at first? Did she want me to have an abortion from the start? Was her "support" a rouse to relax me and gain my trust? Was she talking to "pro-choice" persons as soon as she found out I was pregnant? Was she waiting for the "right timing" to spring forth coercing me into the abortion? Had she been given talking points from Planned Parenthood or another abortion center about how to coerce me? What did they tell her, if so? Did they tell her I may object? And how to counter my objections? If there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time did they tell her? If so, did they tell her how to avoid having me considering contacting them? Did they tell her that I may bring up the suggestion of adoption?
Did they give her all the information in regards to abortion? Yet, tell her to avoid any of the "grisly" details? Or did they give her the "cute little phrases" and tired old tripe talking points? My mother should have known the details. As she had been a hospital nurse before I was born, along with working in a doctor's office after my parents' divorce. My mother wasn't clueless about all the details involved in pregnancy.
Of course women who have been pregnant know the basic details about babies, pregnancy and birth. But she knew the ins and outs details of the biology and terminology from conception to birth. She still had her biology books from nursing school in the early 70's on her book shelf. Along with books with updated info, from the early to mid 80's.
Did she know that complications, needless complications, can result from abortion? Did she know that women still die from "legal" abortions? Did she know that babies get torn to bits while being sucked through the vacuum? Did she know that the abortion vacuum is 29 times more powerful than a household vacuum? Did she know that damage can be done to the body; i.e. cervix, uterus? Did she know that such damage can cause miscarriages in future pregnancies due to weak cervix muscles? Did she know that overall infertility can be caused due to the damage? Did she know that women who have had abortion can have a higher risk of breast cancer? Did she know that women who have had abortions have a higher risk of suicide than any other groups of women? Did she know that many, if not most, women who have aborted babies have regrets, whether soon after or many years down the road? Despite what she told me during the coercion? Did she not know that messing with a pregnant woman's body is damaging and not right, along with being very invasive?
I really would truly like to believe that she really was supportive of me and my child, her grandchild, at the beginning. But it does make one wonder how she could switch views over something as trite as a dumb old unpaid speeding ticket!
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