Should I Go to Church?

This is a post that I originally started in the Daily Thoughts Page, but I started getting long winded and decided to make it into a post.

It is after midnight already, so I guess that makes today Sunday already.  As I have stated, I do not have issues with God or Christianity.  Or at least not now.  But I do have issues with church itself.  I have said that I am a member of a local Protestant church that I really don't attend.  I would like to get back to attending church.  But the thought of going does give me anxiety.  Should I go to the church I am a member of?  A different Protestant church?  But which one?  A Catholic church?  Which I am somewhat considering.

The issue is that the church, the denomination as a whole, that I am a member of is known for it's liberal leanings.  Their "official" statement on abortion is rather wishy washy and worded so the member/reader can take the meaning to however they want.  But basically they are so called "pro-choice" in their dealings and actions.

I am a single woman.  Never been married.  No prospects on the horizon.  The idea of marital status in most churches is that you need to be married, to be taken seriously. This even in the more liberal churches that "champion" gay marriage, homosexuality, and/or abortion; with a "meh" attitude towards premarital sex.
I feel that even in the church I belong to if I were to proclaim "I am a proud lesbian who has had multiple abortions.  No regrets!  My body, my choice!" I would be taken more seriously than being unmarried, heterosexual, conservative and pro-life.
Many of the churches that are known as pro-life and traditional family/marriage will look akin to a woman who is unmarried.  Yet, not really so much towards unmarried men. The attitude is that the men are just not ready or something.  But unmarried women are to be pitied.  There must be something wrong with her.  Maybe she's a promiscuous feminist.
Whether the church is liberal or conservative, women are expected to be married, unless they are gay.  You will only be expected to be taken seriously if you can physically give them future members or pew sitters.  Oh gosh, and the gossip.  No one will talk to you, but will make up stories about you left and right.

Yes, I know, the focus should be on Christ.  I am being guided in this area in finding a Christ centered Bible based church.  But still, isn't community supposed be part of the church?  If that is the fact, then shouldn't all Christians be accepted into the church community, regardless of their station in life? 

Her Views Turned on a Dime

Continuation of my abortion story starting at I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception and "Matt" Didn't Care

I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion.  No, she does not know about the blog.  While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.

As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive.  Or so I thought.  As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound.  I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center.  I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia.  That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl.  Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl.  To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time.  I think we were both a little shell shocked.  We had a conversation in the car.  I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me.  But there was no talk of abortion.

Here again is where my memories are fuzzy.  During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town.  Possibly twice.  During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area.  She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process.  And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby.  She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks."  What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move.  How my body would change during the preparations.  Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.

Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time.  One was in regards to him wanting oral sex.  While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable.  And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique.  Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying.  Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive.  I don't know.  She showed compassion.  Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant.  I don't know how true that is.  Hey, Google it!  Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby. 

As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day.  She decided to check my mail.  I had received a letter from DMV.  My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets.  The revoction was for about 30 days.  She blew up.  Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby?  How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me?  She told me I was going to have to have an abortion.  Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born.  I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's.  She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion.  We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion.  I was giving her reasons why not.  She was giving reasons why.  My grandma and aunt were parroting her.  I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family.  One was an aunt on her mother's side.  The other was one of my aunts, father's sister.  And of course how they are just fine now.  She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages.  How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly.  And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly.  Or some mumbo jumbo like that.  I was in tears, feeling trapped.  I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn.  She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me.  Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born.  Really!?  Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child?  Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild! 
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy.  And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter.  Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating.  They were pro-life in their teaching.  They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info.  I had repeated some of what I had learned.  Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there.  And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school.  I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place.  She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective. 
I was suggesting adoption.  She didn't like that idea.  She did not want my child to grow up with another family.  Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family.  Telling me she could be abused.  I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life.  She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up.  She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born.  That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry.  Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side.  Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script.  It wouldn't hurt at all.  They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out.  It's only a clump of cells.  It's only the size of a dime.  She wouldn't feel a thing.  She wouldn't be harmed.  By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along.  As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her.  But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide."  In that short time I was alone with my thoughts.  Deep down, I didn't want to do it.  But I didn't know what to do.  I knew about adoption.  I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services.  Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic.  I had no idea who to call.  I didn't know who to turn to for help.  Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had.  She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes.  I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center.  Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet.  It may be too late for me.  But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy.  It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help.  Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time.  So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing

In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father.  Just a note, they were divorced.  She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views.  When actually it was the opposite.  He was on his third marriage.  They were living in another state, with many other states in between.  Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships.  I had a half brother from this union.  Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born.  My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born.  Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either.  Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt."  And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption.  My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up.  True, he wasn't there much for me growing up.  But everyone is allowed redemption.  Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine!  I will have the abortion to make you happy."  Her response was "it's not for me.  It's for you to decide."  What!?  If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work.  That, that is true choice!  But alas, it was never to be.

To be continued...

"Matt" Didn't Care

In continuation from a previous post; I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception

After telling "Matt" that I was pregnant he didn't seem to care one way or the other.  He said something to the effect of "Well my sister is a nurse.  She knows of ways to take care of that."  What?  I took it to mean doing something at home to cause a miscarriage.  I told him NO!  Then in a jerky sort of way he said "I was just kidding" and said he would help to take care of the child.

I asked him if he was going to "make an honest woman of me."  He said he would.  OK, so not quite the romantic proposal little girls dream of, but I thought it meant he would marry me.  Big misunderstanding on my part.  Like most women who are planning on getting married I bought a bridal magazine.  Looked at dresses.  Talked to my mom.  Was focusing on choosing an empire style gown.  My best friend at the time had agreed to stand up with me.
Called the church that I had been baptized at, where my parents were married and where my grandparents were married.  One of the closest dates that would have been available on my grandparent's anniversary.  The baby would have only been a couple weeks old or a couple weeks before birth for that date.  Again, as I had stated previously, my memory is foggy.  I am just guestimating according to the rememberances of when I would have become pregnant. 

At some point after all this was done, probably just a couple days after telling him, "Matt" saw the magazines on my coffee table.  He laughed.  Asked what that was all about.  I said "we are getting married aren't we?".  He said yeah.  But maybe when the baby was a couple years old.  I was hurt.  I had just assumed he meant  that he would marry me before the baby was born.  Then we got into a fight.  Arguing about how the baby would be raised, whether we were going to be living separately while raising the baby.

We did decide we would get married before the baby was born.  I know, not quite the way to get started.  But he didn't want a big wedding because he had been married before and didn't see the point of having a large wedding.   Again, another argument.  I didn't want a big huge affair.  But I did want the traditional church wedding with the white dress.

I can not recall how long I was pregnant for before the abortion.  It could have been only a week, two weeks, or three after finding out I was pregnant.  I was about six weeks along when I had the ultrasound.  In my mind's memory everything seemed at once a short time and a long time.  I do recall my mother and I telling my grandmother and aunt.  Spending a few pregnancy days with "Matt."  Visiting my mother who lived in another town.  I was once at his house while he was talking to his parents on the phone.  He told them we were going to get married.  On his side of the conversation he said "No, she's not pregnant."  There was one day when we went to his sister's house to see his nieces and the puppies their dog had given birth too.  He told me not to say anything about being pregnant to anyone. 

To be continued...