Giving to Toys for Tots

Gawd, Christmas is rather crappy this year. Or at least the commercialization sappy Frosty the Snowman crap is.  I have always tried to remember Christmas is about Jesus, the birth of the coming of Our Savior. But I haven't really put much emphasis on that.  Until this year.
This year the main focus decorations are a ceramic Nativity set of my grandma's with a new Creche I bought on Amazon and an Advent Wreath all prominently displayed on the mantle.  Surrounded by a a couple of Eastern style icons.  Previously I would go all out with bright colorful decorations and bright lights.  All that I've got for the more "holiday themed" stuff is a small white tree with a few ornaments and white lights. I do have some of the old "holiday" decor scattered about on my desk, debating whether they should go back in the packing box.  Not really sure where to put them.

For many of the Christmases during the past 20 years after the abortions; when I have seen children's toys prominently displayed I have had a strange yearning.  A yearning to buy the toys.  But I didn't know why.  As I had no one to give the toys to.  And up until early 2014, the abortions never even crossed my mind.  I was a good little girl like my mom and Planned Parenthood told me to be and "forgot all about it."

I am not one to tell others of giving to charity.  I find it rather tacky.  But part for my healing I felt the need to purchase some little girl toys and give them to the local Toys for Tots.  Though Anastasia and Hanelore would now be college age, I tried to think of what they would have liked to play with had they been allowed a childhood.  I thought of things I liked when I was little.  Got a set of white and pink pots and pans and cooking utensils, a purse puppy in a pink purse that comes with a a doggie brush and bone, a tiara princess set with white and pink rhinestones, an Elsa and Anna dolls from the Frozen movie.  That movie didn't come out until a couple years ago, but I saw it once and thought it was a cute movie so I figured some little girls would like to play with them.
I am not going to buy anything for friends and family this year.  I used to make presents for people.  But this year my heart just isn't in it.  Nor is my heart into buying presents.

I was fine up until I got into the store.  Even while I was shopping for other things I needed in the house I was excited to buy the toys.  But then when I got to the toy aisle I just about lost it.  I was a bit teary eyed. Oh, and it didn't help there was a grandma shopping with her younger grandkids.  Yeah, and grandma was probably no more than ten years older than me.  Cute, I am almost grandma age and I don't even have kids.  Though I was supposed to have them, but denied them.  I was trying so hard not to cry in front of them all.  Yay, and the store was playing the obligatory cheery happy "holiday" songs.  You now about reindeer, Frosty the snowman, The Chipmunks singing "holiday" music, sitting cozy by the fireplace with your significant other, family gathering, etc.  Oh happy joy!

Where I purchased the toys from no longer had the drop box.  But I know other places in town have drop boxes.  So I took the toys home and put them under the tree.  Oddly, I found it rather comforting.  Although it is rather bittersweet.  Made me think of the presents I didn't get to, but should have put under the tree for my daughters.  I have asked around and found a few places where I can take them before they get picked up.  For now I will think of the little girls who will find joy in the toys.

My Name is Kathy, I Live in Michigan

In May I was considering coming out of the closet, the abortion closet that is.  I was contemplating letting friends and family know I have had two abortions.  With much fear, I came out.  Is it freeing?  Perhaps.  But maybe not.  What made me finally decide to do it?  Issues with my mother.

How did I do it?  Due to issues with my mother I was texting with an out of state friend.  I was feeling stressed.  I decided right then and there the truth needed to be told.  I wanted to shout it out on Facebook.  I needed to shout it out somewhere.  I felt like I was going to burst!  Problem was, my internet access was down at the time.  After much prayerful thought I gave my friend the go ahead to post to my wall.  It was scary.  I did not know if I was doing the right thing or not.  All I could do was trust in God.  Many of my friends are pro-life.  I even have a few family members on Facebook.  I was afraid they may think of me as a bad person - not for having the abortion - but for letting out the secret.  Even though they did not know at the time.  I was afraid they would tell my mother.  And my mother would get upset at me, for revealing the secret sin.  I did receive support in comments.  The friend who posted was kind enough to share said comments. 

Why am I not so sure if it is freeing?  As I said above, there is that fear of what people would think.  I was afraid of loosing friends on Facebook.  But at the same time if they are going to stop being friends because of a past abortion sin then they were probably never friends.  In some ways I do want to lose friends.  I feel I don't deserve friends.  I feel I deserve to be left alone. 

Why did I do it?  It needs to be done.  The pro-abortion side is going into overdrive with their agenda.  Using TV and popular culture to make abortion look cool and normal.  Attacking pro-life movements outright.  Also, I felt stifled in my talking about pro-life issues.  I would start to talk about something and then feel like I would need to hold back.  I was afraid of others wondering how I would know anything about what it is really like for a post abortive woman.  I was afraid of them knowing I was post abortive.  When reading comments to posts from pro-life pages on social media I would see nasty judgmental comments.  I would want to respond.  I would overthink on how to reply and try to sound as impersonal as possible.  One of the many specifics I have wanted to talk about is how I think the "doctor" from the second abortion is somewhat a Kermit Gosnell of Michigan.  I want to be able to share the pro-life books I have read, here on this blog and on Facebook, without anyone getting suspicious.  If everyone knows who I am, there is no reason to fear.  And not having fear is how I can tackle the pro-abortion side.

Should I Go to Church?

This is a post that I originally started in the Daily Thoughts Page, but I started getting long winded and decided to make it into a post.

It is after midnight already, so I guess that makes today Sunday already.  As I have stated, I do not have issues with God or Christianity.  Or at least not now.  But I do have issues with church itself.  I have said that I am a member of a local Protestant church that I really don't attend.  I would like to get back to attending church.  But the thought of going does give me anxiety.  Should I go to the church I am a member of?  A different Protestant church?  But which one?  A Catholic church?  Which I am somewhat considering.

The issue is that the church, the denomination as a whole, that I am a member of is known for it's liberal leanings.  Their "official" statement on abortion is rather wishy washy and worded so the member/reader can take the meaning to however they want.  But basically they are so called "pro-choice" in their dealings and actions.

I am a single woman.  Never been married.  No prospects on the horizon.  The idea of marital status in most churches is that you need to be married, to be taken seriously. This even in the more liberal churches that "champion" gay marriage, homosexuality, and/or abortion; with a "meh" attitude towards premarital sex.
I feel that even in the church I belong to if I were to proclaim "I am a proud lesbian who has had multiple abortions.  No regrets!  My body, my choice!" I would be taken more seriously than being unmarried, heterosexual, conservative and pro-life.
Many of the churches that are known as pro-life and traditional family/marriage will look akin to a woman who is unmarried.  Yet, not really so much towards unmarried men. The attitude is that the men are just not ready or something.  But unmarried women are to be pitied.  There must be something wrong with her.  Maybe she's a promiscuous feminist.
Whether the church is liberal or conservative, women are expected to be married, unless they are gay.  You will only be expected to be taken seriously if you can physically give them future members or pew sitters.  Oh gosh, and the gossip.  No one will talk to you, but will make up stories about you left and right.

Yes, I know, the focus should be on Christ.  I am being guided in this area in finding a Christ centered Bible based church.  But still, isn't community supposed be part of the church?  If that is the fact, then shouldn't all Christians be accepted into the church community, regardless of their station in life?