Get Up and Dust Off

No, that's not like telling someone to "forget and move on." Nor is it asking of anyone to do this. Simply talking to myself. Been about half a year since my last posting. Was busy with work and gardening most of the spring and summer. More on that later. Yes, it is true that I stated I had a breakthrough. And yes I really did.

But does it mean that everything is hunky-dory, happy, smiley all the time? No. Does it mean I will sometimes have setbacks? Yes. Does it mean I will sometimes memory recalls? Yes. Does it mean I will sometimes have bouts of anxiety? Yes.

Look, I am a realist. I can never be positive NOR negative at all times. It's just not within me. My mantra is like the line from The Facts of Life theme song; "You take the good, you take the bad. The facts of life, the facts of life."

During the past six months I've had ups and downs. Nothing extreme, one way or the other. Started gardening. Or should I say the first time I have actually stuck with it? Was all excited; ordering seeds, imagining the yummy veggies that would grow in my own yard, the happy arrival, sowing some seeds indoors, waiting for better weather to direct sow the rest outside. But not everything went as planned; unpredictable weather, wind storm taking down greenhouse and with it quite a few seedlings, bugs and slugs.
The negativity of gardening would bring me down. Sometimes wanting to give up. From which I would take a break. Sometimes I had to force myself to do the simple things like watering the plants. Wondering why I even bothered. Would have tight knots of anxiety at the thought of wandering out into the garden. But once I got over the hump my enthusiasm would come back. Would stay outside as long as I could to make the yard and garden all pretty.
As I posted a couple years ago, the neighbors' lawn equipment would give me anxiety. Not much of a problem this year. There were a few times I would pace about, wanting the noise to stop. But all in all, no big deal.

Some stress at work. But nothing beyond normal. Mostly, it's a job. Would be too tired to partake in local summer festivities. Took part in a few church activities. Everything about church is terrific.

While majority of the time wasn't bothered with much in regard to the abortion. I do recall a setback on the Fourth of July. As long time readers recall, this was the date I broke up with "Matt" just before the second abortion. Not that I was dwelling on it before the anxiety. The anxiety happened first. Was pretty much fine before that, and then *whomp*! Let it ride out. Then I was fine again.
Anxiety showed up again around Labor Day weekend. This would be the anniversary of having one of my cats put down. Of all the cats that have passed on his death I took the hardest. Sometimes, looking back, I think transposed my feelings of the abortion onto the grieving of his death. Though this happened before the flashbacks, the memories were readying to bubble up.

I am still healing. I will probably always be in some sort of state of healing. I don't think this is something you can totally forget once you remember. The thing to do is move forward. Not "move on." Trying to "move on" can be futile. Causes nothing but frustration when memory recalls come up. I think that was one of my biggest mistakes for the first year or so after the flashbacks.
Sometimes I will fall. I will get back up. Dust myself off. Move forward on my journey. I will probably fall again and get back up again. With many repeats for the rest of my time on this earth. I have just learned to take that prospect in stride.

I really couldn't get through this without faith in God. Mostly I do my daily devotional routine and read from scripture, keeping my focus on Jesus. But if I am having a particular rough time with things I will take time to pray and ask God respite from my anxiety.
One comfort I receive is from the "Categories of the Psalms" in the back of "Reading the Psalms with Luther." I will choose a few suggested verses from a category that matches with my current thoughts and what's going on at the moment. This was a suggestion by someone I consider a friend and confidant. Oh "The Golden Girls"!