From Breakdown to Breakthrough

This is the post I have been wanting to write ever since the memories flooded my mind three years ago. Or at least since I wrote the "Introduction" piece. I truly believe I have come a long way since that time. I knew one day I would be healed. It just took longer than I expected. Perhaps the timing was right for me.

As of recently, from January of this year until about the beginning March, I had the most craptastic of a time. Quite a bit of that can be attributed to the fact that the first pregnancy happened at the beginning of January 1995. While I can never be sure as to when the "intervention" took place, I am recalling it happening in March of 1995. I truly believe that my body and mind were working in tandem to trigger the recent grieving and mourning.

As of recent a friend took me aside to tell me that mutual friends were concerned about a few Facebook outbursts. It was nice for said friend to talk with me. But where I disagreed was with them was telling me to forget about it and put it out of my mind.
See, that's the root of my problem. I was told 22 years to forget about it and pretend it never happened because hey, "(I) can have another baby." I was told the abortion wasn't shameful, but that talking about it would be shameful. Thus, I put everything in the "closet." Tightly packed those memories. Locked the door; with many chains and padlocks. Certain they would never see the light of the day.
I am sure the friend was well meaning to tell me to forget and not talk about it.

Looking back, I do think maybe it was wrong to have the outbursts online. I recall my mindset during the time of forgetting. I had once written in the post "I Was Once Pro-Choice..."

...
Fast forward a decade or so. I started getting involved politically. I identified as a Republican. Got involved with political meetings. Did some volunteering for a few campaigns. Went to conventions and such.
Did quite a bit of conservative blogging. No, I will not reveal the old blog. It has been taken down, no more to be written there. One of the Republican and conservative issues is the Pro-Life cause, more or less. Again, remember, I was thinking myself Pro-Life. Yet in a few of my posts I was lamenting "why is everyone so obsessed with abortion."
It is rather hard to explain, but I had forgotten my abortions yet simultaneously remembering I had had abortions. My attitude toward those talking about Pro-Life was "stop obsessing," "yeah, abortion is bad," "but it's going to happen anyways," "it's been going on since just about the beginning of time," "focus on the economy."
I still believe there is a correlation between economy and abortion. But both need to be focused on. Believe it or not, I still considered myself Pro-Life. I don't even know if I supported making abortion illegal at the time.
... 

I was basically in denial during this period of my life. If upon meeting a new person and they would ask basic "getting to know you" questions; such as "Are you married?" "Do you have any children?" I could answer without remembering diddly. I would answer that I almost was married. I remembered "Matt." But I wouldn't remember why we didn't marry. I could answer that I had no children. Not once thinking about Anastasia or Hanelore. Not even of the mindset of thinking I need to hide my "secret."
Perhaps some of those reading my outbursts are still in some state of denial. And no, that is not a put down. Denial of such trauma, within oneself is simply a coping mechanism. And that's OK. Not everyone should reveal a past abortion, whether they consider themself pro-life or pro-choice.

Not only do I not wish abortion upon my worst enemy, I also do not wish the smacking of long forgotten memories upon anyone. Although I do think I have seriously grown and learned within this journey. I just do not believe one's trigger point should be reading someone's online outburst. If someone's trigger point should come, it should be on another venue. Yeah, that made about as much sense to me as it did to you.

Yesterday's Breakthrough Point: 

So after all that long rambling and self promotional linking; I shall get to the point. As I said above; the friend claiming that I had should not speak out about my abortions. Out of respect to friends who were upset about my outbursts, I was trying to be quiet. Didn't give my opinions. Haven't been sharing posts from pro-life pages I follow. 

As most know, unless you live under a rock or are completely oblivious to the world around you, the "Day without Women" happened yesterday. I could say a lot about that and my thoughts. But I will try to stay focused, here. 
One of my male Facebook friends posted about it. In his post he made mention to women having the right kill a baby and eluded to the "poor men" who have no choice. Well, as someone who had dealt with a boyfriend/baby daddy who was ambivalent about my pregnancy, this is a big pet peeve of me. In no way am I dismissing men who have had their unborn children aborted without their consent or even knowledge. I won't go into details of the conversation. But I will say that he claimed that I supported Roe v. Wade because I focused on men being able to coerce a woman into aborting their child. Yeah, I don't know either... 
Basically I was telling him that not all, actually most post abortive women, are like the feminist protestors we see in the media. And that he shouldn't let the liberals convince him that the protestors are like the women who do abort. Combined with having this disagreement and the fact that he knows about my abortion, there was a bit of a shaking within me. We do know a couple of mutual people, going back to my formal political/blogging involvement, whom are not Facebook friends of mine. I was a bit afraid he may "out" me. I was thinking of my friend who told me to think about the abortion subject. 
But I decided to persevere and respond with my view. I think of how long I was held prisoner within myself by staying silent. Even though I didn't know I was staying silent; or even why. I refuse to go back to that prison or shove the secrets back in their closet. They really can't be put back. Nor can I go back to that emotional prison.

Despite the shaking. Once I spoke out I felt such a release and relaxation. It was the bust out I have been yearning for since the moment I remembered everything. While not happy smiley, I did have a sense of exhilaration. Almost like the scene with Maria from The Sound of Music, carelessly twirling in the meadow. 

It was like I finally had my chance to bust out of my skin, that I have been feeling for the past three years. Is everything all better? Am I finally fully healed? Will I have any moments of grief again? I don't know. Probably so. But I think, no I know, I am much farther in my journey. 
Continually to be updated...