I am Responsible

I am sure to some readers the writing of my abortion experience may seem as though I am bragging about it. Or maybe that I am not taking responsibility for my part. Maybe I am placing blame on others.

It is a delicate balancing act for me. I do take responsibility for my part. But that is just it, my part. I was the one who was pregnant. I was the last in line to choose to have my children sucked out of me. I should have stood up for the sake of my daughters. The blame for the second abortion lies more on part than the first. That is a hard reality to take, but I take it. In the middle of the night I find myself saying aloud "I killed my children." Completely audible.

Am I the only one to blame? No. When the first pregnancy was confirmed I may not have been elated, but abortion sure as hell didn't come across my mind! There were others who led, maybe even manipulated me into relenting to the abortion. "Matt" for his non committal attitude. My mother for the turn around in support. My grandmother for the deception.

The common consensus is that people need to take the blame for their own actions. Yes, that is true. While the woman is the ultimate decider in whether to have the abortion; those who influence, coerce, or even at times force her, should accept their culpability in the death of the woman's child.
A few days ago I did a Google search about the statistics regarding the percentage of women who are coerced into abortion. Many websites and pro-life books state around 64%. Personally, I would believe the statistics to be at a much higher rate. From a website, The UnChoice, is this;

 Up to 64 percent of abortions involve feelings of being pressured to have an abortion, and other factors, such as rushed, deceptive, negligent or conflicted or profit-driven counseling, can also have a significant and often synergistic coercive effect.⁴ Furthermore, based on even the most minimal standards of care and human rights, such assembly-line care is exploitative at best and a recognized human rights abuse, even under liberal abortion laws.

Full article of How Common is Coercion, here.

My Name is Kathy, I Live in Michigan

In May I was considering coming out of the closet, the abortion closet that is.  I was contemplating letting friends and family know I have had two abortions.  With much fear, I came out.  Is it freeing?  Perhaps.  But maybe not.  What made me finally decide to do it?  Issues with my mother.

How did I do it?  Due to issues with my mother I was texting with an out of state friend.  I was feeling stressed.  I decided right then and there the truth needed to be told.  I wanted to shout it out on Facebook.  I needed to shout it out somewhere.  I felt like I was going to burst!  Problem was, my internet access was down at the time.  After much prayerful thought I gave my friend the go ahead to post to my wall.  It was scary.  I did not know if I was doing the right thing or not.  All I could do was trust in God.  Many of my friends are pro-life.  I even have a few family members on Facebook.  I was afraid they may think of me as a bad person - not for having the abortion - but for letting out the secret.  Even though they did not know at the time.  I was afraid they would tell my mother.  And my mother would get upset at me, for revealing the secret sin.  I did receive support in comments.  The friend who posted was kind enough to share said comments. 

Why am I not so sure if it is freeing?  As I said above, there is that fear of what people would think.  I was afraid of loosing friends on Facebook.  But at the same time if they are going to stop being friends because of a past abortion sin then they were probably never friends.  In some ways I do want to lose friends.  I feel I don't deserve friends.  I feel I deserve to be left alone. 

Why did I do it?  It needs to be done.  The pro-abortion side is going into overdrive with their agenda.  Using TV and popular culture to make abortion look cool and normal.  Attacking pro-life movements outright.  Also, I felt stifled in my talking about pro-life issues.  I would start to talk about something and then feel like I would need to hold back.  I was afraid of others wondering how I would know anything about what it is really like for a post abortive woman.  I was afraid of them knowing I was post abortive.  When reading comments to posts from pro-life pages on social media I would see nasty judgmental comments.  I would want to respond.  I would overthink on how to reply and try to sound as impersonal as possible.  One of the many specifics I have wanted to talk about is how I think the "doctor" from the second abortion is somewhat a Kermit Gosnell of Michigan.  I want to be able to share the pro-life books I have read, here on this blog and on Facebook, without anyone getting suspicious.  If everyone knows who I am, there is no reason to fear.  And not having fear is how I can tackle the pro-abortion side.

Dreams of my Daughters

In dreams I walk with you
In dreams I talk to you
In dreams you're mine
All of the time
We're together, in dreams, in dreams... 
...In beautiful dreams of you

In Dreams ~ Roy Orbison

I have been singing this song in my head for the past couple days.  This is the chorus to the Roy Orbison song In Dreams.  I am a huge fan of Roy Orbison.  I love his music.  So passionate, so melancholy, so deep.  Most of his songs can be sad, full of lovelorn, unrequited love and love lost.  But recently I have been attaching the melancholy of his music to the grief over the loss of my daughters, especially this song.

Listen to the full song;

See, the thing is, I may have only started writing of my experiences just less than a year ago.  I had my breakdown in February of 2014.  But even before that, was when I think the lead up to my grief, I was confronted with the memories of the abortion deaths of Anastasia and Hanelore.
About 7 or 8 years ago I had a dream.  I was in the waiting room of a doctor's office, health clinic or hospital or somewhere.  There were two preteen girls.  I think the modern word now is tween.  The taller one who looked like she may have been older spoke to me.  I am not sure why, or how the conversation started.  She told me they were waiting for their mother.  She left them there and hasn't come back for them.  I couldn't imagine why a mother would leave her children at a doctor's office, or anywhere for that matter.  The girls never told me how long they had been waiting.
The older taller girl had long dark brown wavy hair.  Wasn't too big or too small body wise.  Had somewhat of a curvy shape of a young lady developing.  She had beautiful clear blue eyes.  I couldn't completely make out her face.  Her younger sister had long straight light auburn hair with a slight strawberry blonde tint.  She was very slender and wispy.  As if a bit of a medieval look to her.  She too, though I could not make out her facial features, had beautiful clear blue eyes.
I woke up, trying to figure out who those girls were and why I would dream about them.  Then it dawned on me.  They were my daughters!  The daughters I ordered the killing of.  I hadn't thought about the abortions since then.  I had slightly remembered.  But I had so put everything out of my mind that it was almost to the point of forgetting about them.

I still do dream about them.  Sometimes they are very young girls. Sometimes they are the ages they would be had they been allowed to live.  But mostly I wake up knowing I dreamt about them without recalling the details.  All I have are dreams...

Which is the Real Punishment; Baby or Abortion?

I was thinking about the comment President Barack Obama made regarding not wanting his daughters to be "punished with a baby," in 2008, during his first presidential election.
While I try to leave political views out of my posts I believe in looking at all angles of an issue.  I am not one to get my information from just one source or the other.  I refuse to focus on information that leans to one agenda or the other.  So I decided to refresh myself with the segment of his speech through a Google search.  Supposedly, he wasn't talking about abortion or supporting getting abortions for his daughters.  I watched the video clip, read the "explanations" from both sides.  Yeah, it's rather iffy and can be taken either way; depending on what the person's view is already. Typical of most politicians.  I will let you click the Google search here and decide on your own.  Either way, the attitude of being "punished with a baby" seems to be within the pro-abortion side.

This got me to thinking; in comparison to a pregnancy or abortion, which is really the punishment?  A baby is a gift.  Not a gift from the woman's husband or boyfriend (or fill in other possibilities).  But she is a gift from God.  Would you take a gift from a friend or beloved family member and say "gee thanks, I really like this, but not right now or not ever" and then tear it up and throw it in the trash?
Remember, I have had abortions also, so I am not judging.  Just reflecting and looking back.

I am reminded of when I was in the third grade, being the latchkey kid that I was, while my mom was at work I snuck into her closet to find two Cabbage Patch dolls that she was holding until Christmas.  I guess I had misbehaved in school or didn't do my homework or something.  So she took one of the dolls back.  After opening Christmas presents that year I looked around asking my mom where the other doll was.  Oops.  She asked me why I thought there was another doll.  I had to tell her.  She was mad.

Here's my point.  Kids get presents from their parents.  When they misbehave the parents sometimes take away the gift.  There is a similarity to that and abortion, especially when the mother is forced or coerced.  Maybe even when the mother was in full decision of the abortion, whether she let anyone know about it.  Whether there is pressure from family, boyfriend/husband, friends, or society they are the ones who are telling the woman that "she is a bad little girl" and should have her gift taken away as her punishment.  She doesn't deserve to have the baby.  Yet, it is packaged as the pregnancy being the punishment.  Again, even for the woman who made the decision on her own, she too is being punished by society.  Due to society's view on pregnancy during "imperfect circumstances" and abortion.
*I don't quite recall if the actual word "punishment" was used during the "family intervention" but I do remember the allusion to the "fact" that continuing a pregnancy would be a "punishment."

When making the comparisons to parents taking away a gift and pressure to abort it is almost like these YouTube videos out there where parents hammer out or shoot up a kid's expensive tech item such as iPhone, iPad, laptop, Xbox, etc.  Kid misused the privilege, that comes along with such tech objects, given to them.  So the parents destroy the object, while the kid can do nothing but witness the destruction.  Never again to be in a useable condition or to be seen anymore.
Which is quite similar to abortion being used as a punishment.  The child is destroyed.  Never to be loved.  Never to be held.  Never for the parents to see or hear his firsts; words, crawling, walking, eating solids, attending school, extracurricular activities, marriage, family of their own.  The mother of the aborted child is there to witness the destruction.  There is nothing she can do to stop it.  Afterwards she just stares at the destruction, not able to anything but cry.  Maybe not now, but possibly later.
I have always thought these videos of the parents destroying their kids' high end toys are dumb.  The parents could hold onto the toy until the kid straightens up.  Give it to charity.  Sell it on eBay.  Do something where the item is not destroyed and can still be used.
Same with a child where the mother is currently unable take care of the child.  She should be encouraged to carry the pregnancy to terms.  Her family should be there to support her and the child, given resources on being able to care for the child while being raised by her. If there is no way to do that perhaps someone could step up and take care of the child until the mother is in a situation to raise the child herself.  If there is no one able to do that for her then encourage adoption.

Of course a child can not completely  be compared to an inanimate object.  That is where the similarities differ.  Yes, when the Xbox or whatever is being destroyed the kid is going to be upset and cry.  But they will not look back years or decades away and mourn for the object that was destroyed.  They may possibly realize they were dumb for doing whatever it was that caused the destruction of the object.
As for the abortion she will look back at the abortion and regret it.  Regret that there is no way to bring back the child.  She may even regret partaking in the action that got her pregnant.  Of course I am looking at this from the perspective of a woman who was unmarried at the time.  I do realize that there are women who are married at the time of their pregnancies,who abort.  My empathy goes out to them, whatever the situation.

Another difference between the parents who destroy inanimate objects and abortions is that the tech gadget is a gift from the earthly parents.  While a baby is a gift from God, our Heavenly Father.  The gift from the parents is destroyed by the parents who gave them the gift.  The gift from God is NOT destroyed by The Father who gave the gift to the family.  But is destroyed by the world and the culture. 
This is something I am finally coming to terms with.  At the time of my first abortion I came to "the 'realization' that there was no God."  I never knew I had that thought until sometime last year, in 2014.

*Recent additions after editing

The Second Abortion

This is a hard post to write.  After writing about the first abortion, in categorized posts, I was unable to go forward with writing about the second abortion.  Perhaps the reason for that is mental exhaustion, feeling like collapsing after writing about it. Perhaps shame.  I don't know.  Maybe a bit of both.
It took me forever to even remember the abortions.  Though I always knew in the back of my mind, I ignored them.  Though they always affected my life in one way or another.  The way I lived.  The way I reacted around men. The men I chose, or more or less put up with and let choose me.  
All the while I lied even to myself after remembering the abortions.  I only told myself about the first one.  Perhaps it was the differing reactions to finding out about the pregnancies.  During the first pregnancy plans were being made for, Anastasia, my first daughter.  The second time I never even acknowledged, Hanelore, the child within me.  There are even more "blank spots" in this abortion.

Perhaps you may want to start and the beginning and read about the first abortions to know where my story starts and come back when you are finished; My first abortion story.

The following memories are quite fuzzy, possibly more so than those of the first abortion.  So, since having the second abortion I moved away from (my hometown) and to (town my mom lived in).  I was still seeing "Matt" after the move.  I would drive to (his town) see him, or occasionally he would drive to (town) to see me.  Of course we were having sexual relations.  During one of the visits he saw my belly, it was getting bigger.  In fact, I never really even noticed.  He asked me if I were pregnant.  I denied it, not just to him, but to myself also. 
Even if after he pointed it out, I still ignored any thoughts of being pregnant.  Then one day while I was at work I went to use the rest room.  For some reason when I looked down at my belly I noticed that my tummy was bigger.  Then that's when the reality hit that I could be pregnant.  So many thoughts came running through all flashing at the speed of light.
I was scared, I recalled everything that went on during the first pregnancy and abortion.  "Matt's" reaction and attitude.  My mother's attitude and coercion.  I really didn't know what to do.  I hate to admit it, but I could not envision carrying the pregnancy to term.  But I did not like the idea of going through another abortion.

I guess I picked up an at home pregnancy test after work.  I don't know.  I know sometime soon after I did purchase said test.  Maybe it was the next day or during one of my first day off after seeing my large belly.  I do remember when seeing the positive results.  I know it was quite early in the morning.  I was hopelessly frantic.  The first thought was abortion, totally unlike the reaction to the first pregnancy.
Very odd, but the first person I called was a professor from college.  I should probably back track there.  See, even though I was in a relationship with "Matt" I was seeing a professor from the college I was attending.  Seeing as in having a bit of a fling.  The class I met him in had already finished before anything happened between us.  Not that I am excusing anything, just adding the back story.

Gosh, I have no idea how early in the day it was.  Just I know it was quite early.  I think I woke him up when I called.  No "hey, how you doing" I just simply blurted out "I have to have an abortion!".  He just said "I can't talk right now."  My heart just sank.  I felt even more alone than I did before.  I didn't even think he could be the father.  He had been using condoms during our "trysts."  I suppose there could have been a minuscule chance, but I was thinking of Mike being the father.  I guess the reason for calling him may have been deep down I wanted him to convince me not to.
Feeling scared, confused and trapped; I looked in the phone book looking under "abortions."  I found one ad that said something to the effect of  "Pregnant? Feeling scared?  Wanting an abortion? Call us."  So that's what I did.  I called.  Some lady answered.  I blurted out that I was looking to have an abortion.  The lady was really snotty.  She said "We don't do abortions!"  In a very judgmental tone, and hung up.  Not sure which of us hung up first.
I felt even more bad.  I thought I could do this on my own without anyone knowing.  Now what was I going to do?  I was too scared to call anyone after that.  I guessed I was going to have to tell my mother.
Looking back, the place I called with the snotty lady was most likely a pregnancy crisis center.  Fine, they didn't do abortions.  But why couldn't she have tried to talk to me?  Ask me questions?  Ask why I wanted an abortion?  Tried to talk me out of it?
Later in the day Mr. Professor called me.  Said he was sorry he wasn't able to talk to me when I called.  He was telling me I should have the abortion and that it would probably be best.  He told me that he knew others who had abortions.  I still wasn't even thinking about the first abortion.  It's like I remembered it, but didn't.  Looking back, I wonder if he ever wondered if there was a possibility it was his child.

Fast forward to Fourth of July 1996.  My family was planning on having a picnic at my grandmother's.  My mother and I drove in separate cars.  The plan was to meet "Matt" after both of our families had their picnics.  I just couldn't face him.  I didn't want to.  I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to be able to see him.  I broke up with him over the phone.  He accused me of cheating.  I denied it.  Yes, I know, Mr. Professor, and all.  But he didn't know.  There's no way he could know.  OK, so there's no excuse.
I just wanted to be alone, away from people.  I left my grandmother's.  Told my mom I wasn't feeling well.  Drove home.
When my mother got home I broke down and told her.  I told her I wanted an abortion.  She never questioned me or asked if maybe I would want to carry the baby to terms.  She asked if I was certain I was pregnant.  I told her I was sure and that the pregnancy test had two tests in the kit.  Didn't even have to wait the 5 or 10 minutes or however long the instructions said.  I could practically see the results show up as I was peeing on the stick.

At some point a doctor's appointment was made.  It was confirmed I was pregnant.  My mother told the doctor I was for certain going to have an abortion.  The insurance and the doctor was connected the Catholic hospital in town.  He said because of that he couldn't refer me to an abortionist.  Yet, he didn't try to convince me not to have the abortion. 
Eventually I was given a vaginal exam at another doctor's office.  Oddly, while I don't remember the abortionist from the first abortion, I do remember this guy.  He was a short and somewhat chubby.  I don't remember his name.  He was either Mexican, Mid Eastern or India Indian.  Had somewhat of an accent.  Doing some internet searching I think, but not sure, he is someone who has gotten in trouble with the state and a few women have died under his "care."  But again, I can't say for certain  That it is him.  I have no idea how far along I was.  Not one stinking clue.  I was never even told.

Then the time for the abortion came.  It was done at one of the hospitals.  Obviously not the above mentioned Catholic hospital.  The only thing I really recall is an older lady in the waiting room.  She asked what we were there for.  I didn't know what to say.  My mother "chimed in" and said I was having a D & C.  The lady responded that she had that done after having a miscarriage.  And that was it.
I don't remember anything after that.  I was put on full anesthesia.  Out cold.  Don't even know if the doctor from the exam was the one who did the procedure or if it was someone else.  I do not recall waking up from the procedure.  I do not know if they had me rest afterward or for how long.  I really don't remember leaving or the car ride back home with my mom.  The one and only thing I remember is my mom commenting about the lady in the waiting office; saying that she was being nosy or something like that.
I think I had a day or two of recovery.  Maybe more.  I don't know.  I think my mom went back to work after I got home.  I do know that when I went back to work there was some reason I had to grab something from storage.  In part of the post abortion instructions I was told I was not to lift heavy objects.  Considering that no one knew about the abortion I could not just tell the manager that I wasn't going to grab the item for no reason.

The end, but not really...

Additions to Previous Post

I reread the previous post Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) an added more that I originally wanted to say when first published.  The following is what I added.  If you have not read the full post already, please click the link in the title above.

* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know.  Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes.  Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business."  Believe me, I know how you are feeling.  I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy.  I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time.  Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now.  I was too scared to call them.  This being the era before the internet.  You may be saying "But I am not Catholic."  They will help you anyways.  And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services.  When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic.  We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child."  Or something like that.  Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life.  I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image." 
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice.  Please, please do not give up.  Give her all the pro-life information you can.

Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) EDITED

Below is the edited add ons; with an * in front.


So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet.  I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet.  But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past.  It will not bring my babies back.  So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.

Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),

I don't know you.  You don't know me.  But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance.  You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy.  You are searching the internet looking for advice.  You are unsure what to do.  Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption.  You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do.  Some of them you know personally.  Others are just noise in the media.  You have no room in your mind to think.  Girl, I know.  I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella.  Rings and wedding plans already made.  Perhaps you are in a casual relationship.  Maybe you are already married already with or without other children.  Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared.  Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception.  My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion.  Saying it is the only way or the best way.  You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do.  The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue.  It's not a person.  It is so small that it can't really be a person.  Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body?  Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now.  Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows.  They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby.  Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him.  Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption.  Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family. 
Maybe you are on the other spectrum.  Maybe you do want an abortion.  Maybe those around you do support your decision.  Maybe they don't.  Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization.  I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life.  So I can't give the best advice that others can give you.  But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion.  And I do know how the after effects will be.  Once it is done there is no turning back.  There is no bringing that baby back.  Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion.  Time does not heal.  Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later.  To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side.  This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of  raising the child or releasing to adoption.  There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about. 

* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know.  Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes.  Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business."  Believe me, I know how you are feeling.  I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy.  I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time.  Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now.  I was too scared to call them.  This being the era before the internet.  You may be saying "But I am not Catholic."  They will help you anyways.  And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services.  When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic.  We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child."  Or something like that.  Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life.  I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image." 
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice.  Please, please do not give up.  Give her all the pro-life information you can.

A Letter to my Mother

I have been going through some issues lately.  My anxiety seems to come and go.  Some days I am totally fine.  Others I am a total basket case.  During the "basket days" I can go from lethargy to anger and back and forth.  One thing going on is my relationship with my mother.  We have never really been estranged, but more strained.  I have tried to open up communications, at first I thought she was understanding, but I feel it is more she waits for me to show vulnerability to attack me while I am wounded.  The following is the first letter/email of my "coming out" in regards to the anxiety about the abortions so many years ago.  I did not mention my personal abortions, just alluding to them.  The letter has been slightly edited to eliminate names and/or locations that would identify me.

Hi Mom,

I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas. 

I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area).  And I know I have the house and everything.  I really appreciate everything you have done.  But I am just not happy here anymore.  I don't think I can really be happy anywhere.  But I believe I could be happier (there).  I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church.  One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth.  Somewhere that has people of all walks of life.  I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed.  I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life.  I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life.  I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014).  Perhaps even longer.  But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.

I will be turning 40 soon.  I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits.  And what do I have to show for it?  Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat.  As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family.  It may be too late to have biological children of my own.  But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc.  And for kids there could always be adoption. 

In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men.  I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years.  And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill."  I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality.  Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids.  I have convinced myself I don't like kids.  All in order to protect myself and my emotions.  Yet kids seem to like me.

Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate.  And for me, I think I could only do that (locale).  There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town).  I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet.  Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things.  I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on.  But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me. 
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever.  Yes, there are some like that.  But that is a small minority.  There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp.  Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways.  Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling.  Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views.  I have read up on the information.  I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting).  And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician.  I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics.  And deaths still happen despite "legalization."  Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector.  Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures.  Women who become infertile.  Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix.  Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends.  Pictures of post aborted babies.  No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor."  A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body.  A baby is.  The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature.  There is no perfect world.  Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.

Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much.  And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion.  If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.

Love,
(Your Daughter)

The Yellow Onesie

Last I finished off with Damn! That Hurt!, the telling of my actual abortion experience.  Now onto the aftermath.  The aftermath is not just a one time incident.  I have since learned that the aftermath is something that has been ongoing in my life for almost 20 years.  Having come to the realization of my abortion; looking back I can see how the planned death of my child affected me throughout my life.  But for now, I will just talk about the immediately following aftermath.

To read previous posts leading up to this one click the links below. 

I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
"Matt" Didn't Care
Her Views Turned on a Dime
Damn! That Hurt!

After a few days I returned from my mother's either I called "Matt" or he called me.  I did not tell him about the abortion.  He came over to my apartment.  We talked.  He showed me a onesie he bought for our baby, the baby that no longer exists.  It was a typical yellow non gender onesie.  While much of my memory is fuzzy, this is one of the exact things I remember.  I remember exactly the layout of my old apartment.  I remember where in the apartment I was sitting.  I was sitting on "Matt's" lap and told him I had a "miscarriage."  He cried.  Or so I thought.  It could have been crocodile tears.  I am not sure.  I do know that I was unable to cry.  I just put my head upon his shoulder. 
He never asked about any of the details.  Then I was glad, because I didn't want to make anything up nor was I ready to tell him the truth.  But looking back, I wonder did he suspect?  Did he even actually care?
I had a horrible sinking feeling inside.  Hurt because of the abortion.  Felt bad because of lying to him.  Angry because of all that time I was pregnant he never acknowledged that I had a child inside me.  And now that she was gone he acknowledges the situation?!  Where was he when I was pregnant?  Why wasn't he "fighting" for me and our child? 
I did have sex with him that night.  I have since found out that women are told not to have sex for at least 2 weeks after the abortion.  I was never told that.  I was given antibiotics and instructions, but not the no having sex part.  But unless it wasn't written down for me, if I was only told verbally I probably wasn't paying attention in the state of mind I was in. 
"Matt" did find the antibiotics.  I told him I had to take those because of the miscarriage.  Next day or two he told me his sister told him that the antibiotics are only for abortions.  Yeah, after the baby's gone is when he tells any of his family members.  I insisted that it was a miscarriage I had.  After all, my own mother convinced my that abortion and miscarriage are basically the same thing.  Right?  We didn't fight or anything.  He just dropped the subject. 

Then came having to tell my best friend.  This is the friend from the Christian school who did the book report about abortion.  I called and told her that I was no longer going to get married.  And that I had a miscarriage.  She didn't press me on details.  Just gave me sympathy.  I felt worse lying to her than I did to "Matt."  Why didn't I say something to her, before the abortion?  Maybe she would have been able to help me or find someone who could?

What Were Her True Thoughts?

After finishing writing the Her Views Turned on a Dime, in regards to my mother's coercing of the abortion, I figured I needed to write the following before I continue any further.  I have a few questions running through my mind.

I am wondering what my mother's true feelings were when she found out I was pregnant.  Was she truly supportive of the pregnancy and my choice to keep the baby, at first?  Did she want me to have an abortion from the start?  Was her "support" a rouse to relax me and gain my trust?  Was she talking to "pro-choice" persons as soon as she found out I was pregnant?  Was she waiting for the "right timing" to spring forth coercing me into the abortion?  Had she been given talking points from Planned Parenthood or another abortion center about how to coerce me?  What did they tell her, if so?  Did they tell her I may object?  And how to counter my objections?  If there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time did they tell her?  If so, did they tell her how to avoid having me considering contacting them?   Did they tell her that I may bring up the suggestion of adoption?
Did they give her all the information in regards to abortion?  Yet, tell her to avoid any of the "grisly" details?  Or did they give her the "cute little phrases" and tired old tripe talking points?  My mother should have known the details.  As she had been a hospital nurse before I was born, along with working in a doctor's office after my parents' divorce.  My mother wasn't clueless about all the details involved in pregnancy.
Of course women who have been pregnant know the basic details about babies, pregnancy and birth.  But she knew the ins and outs details of the biology and terminology from conception to birth.  She still had her biology books from nursing school in the early 70's on her book shelf.  Along with books with updated info, from the early to mid 80's.
Did she know that complications, needless complications, can result from abortion?  Did she know that women still die from "legal" abortions?  Did she know that babies get torn to bits while being sucked through the vacuum?  Did she know that the abortion vacuum is 29 times more powerful than a household vacuum?  Did she know that damage can be done to the body; i.e. cervix, uterus?  Did she know that such damage can cause miscarriages in future pregnancies due to weak cervix muscles?  Did she know that overall infertility can be caused due to the damage?  Did she know that women who have had abortion can have a higher risk of breast cancer?  Did she know that women who have had abortions have a higher risk of suicide than any other groups of women?  Did she know that many, if not most, women who have aborted babies have regrets, whether soon after or many years down the road?  Despite what she told me during the coercion?  Did she not know that messing with a pregnant woman's body is damaging and not right, along with being very invasive?
I really would truly like to believe that she really was supportive of me and my child, her grandchild, at the beginning.  But it does make one wonder how she could switch views over something as trite as a dumb old unpaid speeding ticket!