I have been going through some issues lately. My anxiety seems to come and go. Some days I am totally fine. Others I am a total basket case. During the "basket days" I can go from lethargy to anger and back and forth. One thing going on is my relationship with my mother. We have never really been estranged, but more strained. I have tried to open up communications, at first I thought she was understanding, but I feel it is more she waits for me to show vulnerability to attack me while I am wounded. The following is the first letter/email of my "coming out" in regards to the anxiety about the abortions so many years ago. I did not mention my personal abortions, just alluding to them. The letter has been slightly edited to eliminate names and/or locations that would identify me.
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I
am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house
and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am
just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy
anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to
find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and
teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of
all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I
just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have
been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now
realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my
life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps
even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes
of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon.
I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits.
And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the
fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the
other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late
to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to
possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and
protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids
there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good
that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not
really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys
can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time
with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or
need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't
like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also
I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could
only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet.
Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this
is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that
this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is
not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting
at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts,
telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some
like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more
whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates
help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information
on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them
find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills,
online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with
care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no,
no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I
have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are
still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during
the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a
general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics.
And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get
infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that
never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector.
Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become
infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix.
Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions
and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures
of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it
is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be
inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned,
but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect
world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to
become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I
ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see
if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion.
If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or
information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
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