A positive change of heart story taken from LifeNews.com;
After trying to kill myself to escape the overwhelming guilt after my
abortion, I emerged from my month spent in an adolescent psychiatric
unit with an incongruous newly-found zeal for abortion rights.
Within weeks of my discharge from the psych unit, I found myself on a bus to Washington, D.C. to march for abortion rights
and soon after I began volunteering as an escort for a first-trimester
abortion clinic. An advanced degree in psychology isn’t necessary to see
that I was plainly trying to assuage my guilt (and protect my delicate
and damaged psyche) by assuming the precise opposite of what I truly
believed. Freud called this reaction formation, one of many coping strategies he dubbed defense mechanisms.
I certainly took reaction formation to the extreme by espousing the
most diametrically opposed position of my innermost heart when I
accepted the offer of a job at an abortion clinic.
Read More Here
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
The Yellow Onesie
To read previous posts leading up to this one click the links below.
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
"Matt" Didn't Care
Her Views Turned on a Dime
Damn! That Hurt!
After a few days I returned from my mother's either I called "Matt" or he called me. I did not tell him about the abortion. He came over to my apartment. We talked. He showed me a onesie he bought for our baby, the baby that no longer exists. It was a typical yellow non gender onesie. While much of my memory is fuzzy, this is one of the exact things I remember. I remember exactly the layout of my old apartment. I remember where in the apartment I was sitting. I was sitting on "Matt's" lap and told him I had a "miscarriage." He cried. Or so I thought. It could have been crocodile tears. I am not sure. I do know that I was unable to cry. I just put my head upon his shoulder.
He never asked about any of the details. Then I was glad, because I didn't want to make anything up nor was I ready to tell him the truth. But looking back, I wonder did he suspect? Did he even actually care?
I had a horrible sinking feeling inside. Hurt because of the abortion. Felt bad because of lying to him. Angry because of all that time I was pregnant he never acknowledged that I had a child inside me. And now that she was gone he acknowledges the situation?! Where was he when I was pregnant? Why wasn't he "fighting" for me and our child?
I did have sex with him that night. I have since found out that women are told not to have sex for at least 2 weeks after the abortion. I was never told that. I was given antibiotics and instructions, but not the no having sex part. But unless it wasn't written down for me, if I was only told verbally I probably wasn't paying attention in the state of mind I was in.
"Matt" did find the antibiotics. I told him I had to take those because of the miscarriage. Next day or two he told me his sister told him that the antibiotics are only for abortions. Yeah, after the baby's gone is when he tells any of his family members. I insisted that it was a miscarriage I had. After all, my own mother convinced my that abortion and miscarriage are basically the same thing. Right? We didn't fight or anything. He just dropped the subject.
Then came having to tell my best friend. This is the friend from the Christian school who did the book report about abortion. I called and told her that I was no longer going to get married. And that I had a miscarriage. She didn't press me on details. Just gave me sympathy. I felt worse lying to her than I did to "Matt." Why didn't I say something to her, before the abortion? Maybe she would have been able to help me or find someone who could?
Should Men Have a Say?
H/T LifeNews.com
Abortion Is A Mens’ Issue Too, One’s Sex Is Irrelevant
...
Abortion is absolutely not a woman-only issue. It affects men because every child has a father, it affects men because half of children are male, and it affects men because many of the people involved in abortions, such as doctors are men. There has been a scandal recently about sex-selective abortions, terminations carried out because the parents would rather not have a child of that sex. Some left wing publications (that would normally only have positive things to say about so-called reproductive rights) have come out to condemn it...
Read More Here
Abortion Is A Mens’ Issue Too, One’s Sex Is Irrelevant
...
Abortion is absolutely not a woman-only issue. It affects men because every child has a father, it affects men because half of children are male, and it affects men because many of the people involved in abortions, such as doctors are men. There has been a scandal recently about sex-selective abortions, terminations carried out because the parents would rather not have a child of that sex. Some left wing publications (that would normally only have positive things to say about so-called reproductive rights) have come out to condemn it...
Read More Here
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Damn! That Hurt!
More of my story, previous posts in chronological order;
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
"Matt" Didn't Care
Her Views Turned on a Dime
This is probably the scariest part of my story in regards to the first abortion. I have told of all the events leading up to this moment.
The following may contain "colorful language" and graphic subject matter. This is also where memories seem to be the haziest.
After relenting to the having the abortion done my mother came to pick me up to take me to the town she was living in. See Her Views Turned on a Dime for more on my mother's change of heart in regards to my pregnancy. I do not remember much about the ride to her apartment. I do recall her "reassuring talk" about the daughter of one of her friends from work who had an abortion. When I asked my mother "what if this is the only chance I could have a baby" she responded with telling me about the girl's abortion. She had said that when the girl's sister was pregnant she told her mother, my mother's work friend, that the baby she was carrying could be "the spirit of her sister's aborted baby." I have recently been seeing this whole "spirit of the aborted baby come back in a new baby" sort of thing in a few "words of comfort" stories. I don't think I actually bought it then, and I sure as hell don't buy it now! But at that time, I was grabbing at straws and trying to believe anything while nothing seemed believable. S
he also told me that I would have plenty of chances to have more children and would be married and settle down. How did she know that? Did she really believe what she was saying? The future is no guarantee.
I do not know if "Matt" knew about me visiting my mother or not. I may have told him, I may have not. The next day we went to the abortion clinic. I do not know if the trauma has blocked out my memory or if I had been drugged, possibly to not notice any protestors or just basic avoid backing out. Either way, I do not recall the drive to the clinic. Though I do know exactly where it was. The locale was inside an older plaza type building. It is now another business, with a Planned Parenthood across the street in a newer building. I do not recall the walking in. I do not recall anything about the waiting area. I do not know if I sat in the waiting area or if I was ushered directly into the "procedure" room. I do not know if there were other people in the waiting area. I do not remember filling out the paper work. I do not know if my mother stayed in the waiting room or not.
The only time I was told anything about what would happen was in the "procedure" room. I was told by someone I assumed was a nurse that they would be applying local anesthesia to my cervix. Then use a few instruments to dilate the cervix. Then use a vacuum aspirator to pull the baby out. They made it sound like the baby would be pulled out in one piece. Not that that makes it any better, just less gory than the reality of it being pulled out in pieces. That seems about right. I don't think I was really listening. My body was on the exam table, but I have no clue where the hell my mind was. I do not recall actually seeing the instruments or given many details.
I do not recall when the doctor was in the room. He may have been there as soon as I arrived in the room or later after the anesthesia. Or not there at all. I really don't know.
They told me it wouldn't hurt a bit and it would just be a pinch. LIARS! It freakin hurt like hell!!! I literally felt like every damn organ was being sucked out! It was at that moment that I decided there is no God. The moment of my rejection of God is only a revelation I have only realized until now.
I must have gotten up off the table. That or I floated to the doorway. Either option is a possibility. The nurse type lady told me that I would need to sit in a recovery room. I had horrible cramping in my abdomen, bowels and rectal area. The best way to describe it was like my butthole was getting ready to release an atomic fart, but something was obstructing it. I recall making a dumb joke that I wasn't sure if I wanted to puke or take a dump. That is the last thing I remember. Perhaps I used the restroom, perhaps I didn't. I do not even remembering being in the recovery room. I do not know if I slept, read a magazine, watched TV or stared at a wall until my mother picked me up. I do not remember her taking me from the clinic.
I do not recall how long I was at my mother's apartment. I don't know if I slept or what I did during that time. The only thing I clearly remember after that was going to a Wal-Mart with my mother. We were in line waiting to purchase our items. Behind us was a couple about my age. They had a baby in a stroller with them. The baby was crying. Basic fussing, like babies do, not causing too much of a scene. I was about ready to burst into tears. I asked my mother for the car keys to wait in the car.
I bolted out of that store so fast. The moment I got in the car I bawled like never before. Tears streaming down my face and hyperventilating in my breathing. My mother got in the car. Asked me what was wrong. Really? She couldn't put the two together? I said something to the effect of "I killed my baby" or "I will never see my baby" or both of those things. Her response? Oh, that's all. I thought maybe the baby was annoying you and something about I did the right thing, it was no big deal, I would get over it, etc. Then and there I decided that the only thing to do was to be numb about the situation.
The aftermath...To be continued...
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
"Matt" Didn't Care
Her Views Turned on a Dime
This is probably the scariest part of my story in regards to the first abortion. I have told of all the events leading up to this moment.
The following may contain "colorful language" and graphic subject matter. This is also where memories seem to be the haziest.
After relenting to the having the abortion done my mother came to pick me up to take me to the town she was living in. See Her Views Turned on a Dime for more on my mother's change of heart in regards to my pregnancy. I do not remember much about the ride to her apartment. I do recall her "reassuring talk" about the daughter of one of her friends from work who had an abortion. When I asked my mother "what if this is the only chance I could have a baby" she responded with telling me about the girl's abortion. She had said that when the girl's sister was pregnant she told her mother, my mother's work friend, that the baby she was carrying could be "the spirit of her sister's aborted baby." I have recently been seeing this whole "spirit of the aborted baby come back in a new baby" sort of thing in a few "words of comfort" stories. I don't think I actually bought it then, and I sure as hell don't buy it now! But at that time, I was grabbing at straws and trying to believe anything while nothing seemed believable. S
he also told me that I would have plenty of chances to have more children and would be married and settle down. How did she know that? Did she really believe what she was saying? The future is no guarantee.
I do not know if "Matt" knew about me visiting my mother or not. I may have told him, I may have not. The next day we went to the abortion clinic. I do not know if the trauma has blocked out my memory or if I had been drugged, possibly to not notice any protestors or just basic avoid backing out. Either way, I do not recall the drive to the clinic. Though I do know exactly where it was. The locale was inside an older plaza type building. It is now another business, with a Planned Parenthood across the street in a newer building. I do not recall the walking in. I do not recall anything about the waiting area. I do not know if I sat in the waiting area or if I was ushered directly into the "procedure" room. I do not know if there were other people in the waiting area. I do not remember filling out the paper work. I do not know if my mother stayed in the waiting room or not.
The only time I was told anything about what would happen was in the "procedure" room. I was told by someone I assumed was a nurse that they would be applying local anesthesia to my cervix. Then use a few instruments to dilate the cervix. Then use a vacuum aspirator to pull the baby out. They made it sound like the baby would be pulled out in one piece. Not that that makes it any better, just less gory than the reality of it being pulled out in pieces. That seems about right. I don't think I was really listening. My body was on the exam table, but I have no clue where the hell my mind was. I do not recall actually seeing the instruments or given many details.
I do not recall when the doctor was in the room. He may have been there as soon as I arrived in the room or later after the anesthesia. Or not there at all. I really don't know.
They told me it wouldn't hurt a bit and it would just be a pinch. LIARS! It freakin hurt like hell!!! I literally felt like every damn organ was being sucked out! It was at that moment that I decided there is no God. The moment of my rejection of God is only a revelation I have only realized until now.
I must have gotten up off the table. That or I floated to the doorway. Either option is a possibility. The nurse type lady told me that I would need to sit in a recovery room. I had horrible cramping in my abdomen, bowels and rectal area. The best way to describe it was like my butthole was getting ready to release an atomic fart, but something was obstructing it. I recall making a dumb joke that I wasn't sure if I wanted to puke or take a dump. That is the last thing I remember. Perhaps I used the restroom, perhaps I didn't. I do not even remembering being in the recovery room. I do not know if I slept, read a magazine, watched TV or stared at a wall until my mother picked me up. I do not remember her taking me from the clinic.
I do not recall how long I was at my mother's apartment. I don't know if I slept or what I did during that time. The only thing I clearly remember after that was going to a Wal-Mart with my mother. We were in line waiting to purchase our items. Behind us was a couple about my age. They had a baby in a stroller with them. The baby was crying. Basic fussing, like babies do, not causing too much of a scene. I was about ready to burst into tears. I asked my mother for the car keys to wait in the car.
I bolted out of that store so fast. The moment I got in the car I bawled like never before. Tears streaming down my face and hyperventilating in my breathing. My mother got in the car. Asked me what was wrong. Really? She couldn't put the two together? I said something to the effect of "I killed my baby" or "I will never see my baby" or both of those things. Her response? Oh, that's all. I thought maybe the baby was annoying you and something about I did the right thing, it was no big deal, I would get over it, etc. Then and there I decided that the only thing to do was to be numb about the situation.
The aftermath...To be continued...
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?
This song by The Bee Gees seems to be stuck in my head all day.
Please (Jesus) help me mend my broken heart and let me live again...
Please (Jesus) help me mend my broken heart and let me live again...
What Were Her True Thoughts?
After finishing writing the Her Views Turned on a Dime, in regards to my mother's coercing of the abortion, I figured I needed to write the following before I continue any further. I have a few questions running through my mind.
I am wondering what my mother's true feelings were when she found out I was pregnant. Was she truly supportive of the pregnancy and my choice to keep the baby, at first? Did she want me to have an abortion from the start? Was her "support" a rouse to relax me and gain my trust? Was she talking to "pro-choice" persons as soon as she found out I was pregnant? Was she waiting for the "right timing" to spring forth coercing me into the abortion? Had she been given talking points from Planned Parenthood or another abortion center about how to coerce me? What did they tell her, if so? Did they tell her I may object? And how to counter my objections? If there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time did they tell her? If so, did they tell her how to avoid having me considering contacting them? Did they tell her that I may bring up the suggestion of adoption?
Did they give her all the information in regards to abortion? Yet, tell her to avoid any of the "grisly" details? Or did they give her the "cute little phrases" and tired old tripe talking points? My mother should have known the details. As she had been a hospital nurse before I was born, along with working in a doctor's office after my parents' divorce. My mother wasn't clueless about all the details involved in pregnancy.
Of course women who have been pregnant know the basic details about babies, pregnancy and birth. But she knew the ins and outs details of the biology and terminology from conception to birth. She still had her biology books from nursing school in the early 70's on her book shelf. Along with books with updated info, from the early to mid 80's.
Did she know that complications, needless complications, can result from abortion? Did she know that women still die from "legal" abortions? Did she know that babies get torn to bits while being sucked through the vacuum? Did she know that the abortion vacuum is 29 times more powerful than a household vacuum? Did she know that damage can be done to the body; i.e. cervix, uterus? Did she know that such damage can cause miscarriages in future pregnancies due to weak cervix muscles? Did she know that overall infertility can be caused due to the damage? Did she know that women who have had abortion can have a higher risk of breast cancer? Did she know that women who have had abortions have a higher risk of suicide than any other groups of women? Did she know that many, if not most, women who have aborted babies have regrets, whether soon after or many years down the road? Despite what she told me during the coercion? Did she not know that messing with a pregnant woman's body is damaging and not right, along with being very invasive?
I really would truly like to believe that she really was supportive of me and my child, her grandchild, at the beginning. But it does make one wonder how she could switch views over something as trite as a dumb old unpaid speeding ticket!
I am wondering what my mother's true feelings were when she found out I was pregnant. Was she truly supportive of the pregnancy and my choice to keep the baby, at first? Did she want me to have an abortion from the start? Was her "support" a rouse to relax me and gain my trust? Was she talking to "pro-choice" persons as soon as she found out I was pregnant? Was she waiting for the "right timing" to spring forth coercing me into the abortion? Had she been given talking points from Planned Parenthood or another abortion center about how to coerce me? What did they tell her, if so? Did they tell her I may object? And how to counter my objections? If there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time did they tell her? If so, did they tell her how to avoid having me considering contacting them? Did they tell her that I may bring up the suggestion of adoption?
Did they give her all the information in regards to abortion? Yet, tell her to avoid any of the "grisly" details? Or did they give her the "cute little phrases" and tired old tripe talking points? My mother should have known the details. As she had been a hospital nurse before I was born, along with working in a doctor's office after my parents' divorce. My mother wasn't clueless about all the details involved in pregnancy.
Of course women who have been pregnant know the basic details about babies, pregnancy and birth. But she knew the ins and outs details of the biology and terminology from conception to birth. She still had her biology books from nursing school in the early 70's on her book shelf. Along with books with updated info, from the early to mid 80's.
Did she know that complications, needless complications, can result from abortion? Did she know that women still die from "legal" abortions? Did she know that babies get torn to bits while being sucked through the vacuum? Did she know that the abortion vacuum is 29 times more powerful than a household vacuum? Did she know that damage can be done to the body; i.e. cervix, uterus? Did she know that such damage can cause miscarriages in future pregnancies due to weak cervix muscles? Did she know that overall infertility can be caused due to the damage? Did she know that women who have had abortion can have a higher risk of breast cancer? Did she know that women who have had abortions have a higher risk of suicide than any other groups of women? Did she know that many, if not most, women who have aborted babies have regrets, whether soon after or many years down the road? Despite what she told me during the coercion? Did she not know that messing with a pregnant woman's body is damaging and not right, along with being very invasive?
I really would truly like to believe that she really was supportive of me and my child, her grandchild, at the beginning. But it does make one wonder how she could switch views over something as trite as a dumb old unpaid speeding ticket!
Her Views Turned on a Dime
Continuation of my abortion story starting at I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception and "Matt" Didn't Care
I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion. No, she does not know about the blog. While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.
As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive. Or so I thought. As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound. I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center. I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia. That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl. Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl. To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time. I think we were both a little shell shocked. We had a conversation in the car. I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me. But there was no talk of abortion.
Here again is where my memories are fuzzy. During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town. Possibly twice. During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area. She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process. And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby. She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks." What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move. How my body would change during the preparations. Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.
Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time. One was in regards to him wanting oral sex. While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable. And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique. Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying. Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive. I don't know. She showed compassion. Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant. I don't know how true that is. Hey, Google it! Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby.
As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day. She decided to check my mail. I had received a letter from DMV. My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets. The revoction was for about 30 days. She blew up. Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby? How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me? She told me I was going to have to have an abortion. Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born. I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's. She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion. We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion. I was giving her reasons why not. She was giving reasons why. My grandma and aunt were parroting her. I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family. One was an aunt on her mother's side. The other was one of my aunts, father's sister. And of course how they are just fine now. She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages. How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly. And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly. Or some mumbo jumbo like that. I was in tears, feeling trapped. I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn. She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me. Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born. Really!? Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child? Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild!
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy. And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter. Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating. They were pro-life in their teaching. They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info. I had repeated some of what I had learned. Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there. And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school. I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place. She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective.
I was suggesting adoption. She didn't like that idea. She did not want my child to grow up with another family. Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family. Telling me she could be abused. I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life. She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up. She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born. That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry. Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side. Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script. It wouldn't hurt at all. They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out. It's only a clump of cells. It's only the size of a dime. She wouldn't feel a thing. She wouldn't be harmed. By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along. As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her. But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide." In that short time I was alone with my thoughts. Deep down, I didn't want to do it. But I didn't know what to do. I knew about adoption. I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services. Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic. I had no idea who to call. I didn't know who to turn to for help. Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had. She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes. I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center. Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet. It may be too late for me. But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help. Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time. So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing
In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father. Just a note, they were divorced. She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views. When actually it was the opposite. He was on his third marriage. They were living in another state, with many other states in between. Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships. I had a half brother from this union. Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born. My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born. Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either. Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt." And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption. My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up. True, he wasn't there much for me growing up. But everyone is allowed redemption. Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine! I will have the abortion to make you happy." Her response was "it's not for me. It's for you to decide." What!? If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work. That, that is true choice! But alas, it was never to be.
To be continued...
I have been debating as to how I want to portray this part of the story, as my mother and I are sort of on a reconciliation of sorts in regards to the abortion. No, she does not know about the blog. While I do not want to portray her in a bad light, I do want to be able to tell the truth about the circumstances leading to said abortion.
As had been stated before in the I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception post, my mother had been upset with the premarital pregnancy, but seemed to be understanding and willing to be supportive. Or so I thought. As had been previously said, she was with me during the ultra sound. I don't recall too much about being at the ultrasound center. I do not remember mine or hers reaction upon seeing little Anastasia. That was the name I had planned for my baby if she were a girl. Years later, it was a dream that told me she was a girl. To recap, I was 6 weeks along at the time. I think we were both a little shell shocked. We had a conversation in the car. I can't recall all what it was about, mostly how she would be a grandma and that I had a baby inside me. But there was no talk of abortion.
Here again is where my memories are fuzzy. During the short time of pregnancy, after the ultrasound, I had made at least one overnight visit to my mother's in another town. Possibly twice. During phone calls I would claim how scared I was that eventually I would be pushing a large baby through my female area. She reassured me that my body would naturally adjust to the birthing process. And that despite any pain it would be made up for after I saw and held my baby. She would prepare me for the stages of pregnancy in "pep talks." What it would be like to feel the baby kick and move. How my body would change during the preparations. Helped me to be comfortable when I visited.
Warning: Graphic subject matter ahead
I had had a fight or two with "Matt" in that time. One was in regards to him wanting oral sex. While I am not judging anyone's choices, I do believe that both persons need to be willing to consent on what makes them comfortable. And some men can approach it in a rather white trash Jerry Springer sort of way, and that was "Matt's" technique. Some men can give it an air of intimacy.
I called my mom and was crying. Perhaps it was the hormones and being sensitive. I don't know. She showed compassion. Even saying that caution needs to be taken when it is the man to the woman whileshe is pregnant. I don't know how true that is. Hey, Google it! Anyhoo, I would take this as her being concerned about the safety of my baby.
As time would have it, my mother came to visit me one day. She decided to check my mail. I had received a letter from DMV. My license had been temporarily revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets. The revoction was for about 30 days. She blew up. Told me I was irresponsible and that if I couldn't pay a speeding ticket how was I going to be able to take care of a baby? How would I get around without a car and be able to take the baby places with me? She told me I was going to have to have an abortion. Over a stupid suspension, that would have been reinstated after 30 days, before the baby was even born. I was crying and upset.
Then she had me get in the car and we were going to go to my grandma's. She told my grandma and my aunt who was living there at the time I was going to have an abortion. We argued I was telling them I didn't want to have the abortion. I was giving her reasons why not. She was giving reasons why. My grandma and aunt were parroting her. I was finding out about two previous abortions in the family. One was an aunt on her mother's side. The other was one of my aunts, father's sister. And of course how they are just fine now. She was comparing abortion to natural miscarriages. How miscarriages are natures way of ridding the body of a baby that can't develop properly. And abortion is basically the same thing, just the mother is choosing that she won't be able to take care of the baby properly. Or some mumbo jumbo like that. I was in tears, feeling trapped. I literally felt like jumping out of my own skin, with no where to turn. She had me call "Matt" and break up with him.
I don't recall my exact wording, but having born in 1974 after Roe vs. Wade made abortion "legal," I asked why didn't she abort me. Her response was that she was married during my conception, wanted me and loved me before I was born. Really!? Because I wasn't married and didn't plan the pregnancy that I wasn't expected to want or love my child? Very telling, as this must have been her own view of my child, her grandchild!
Another "point" of hers was that the child could look like "Matt," especially if he were a boy. And that every time I looked at him/her I would think of "Matt" and be bitter. Looking back, I now see that maybe my mother projected her views of my father onto me while I was growing up.
I had attended a non denominational Christian high school, before graduating. They were pro-life in their teaching. They didn't give all the details abort abortion, but I did pick up some lessons and info. I had repeated some of what I had learned. Then she got mad and told me she wished she never had sent me there. And that if she had known they were telling me "that drivel" she would have pulled me out of the school. I was telling her that this child could grow up to be someone like a doctor or lawyer or someone who could make the world a better place. She said I was "romanticizing" the whole thing and maybe she would grow up retarded or defective.
I was suggesting adoption. She didn't like that idea. She did not want my child to grow up with another family. Basically, if she couldn't stay in our family she couldn't be in another family. Telling me she could be abused. I had told her that there is such a thing as open adoption where the mother can still be in the child's life. She told me it would be too hard to give birth then have to give her up. She said I would be attached to her as soon as she was born. That I would always wonder about her and what she was doing.
If I had an abortion I would forget about it and never worry. Gave the tired old tripe heard from the pro-abortion side. Almost as if she were reading from a Planned Parenthood script. It wouldn't hurt at all. They just stick a small vacuum inside the vaginal area and pull the baby out. It's only a clump of cells. It's only the size of a dime. She wouldn't feel a thing. She wouldn't be harmed. By this time I would have been about 8 or 9 weeks along. As I have later found out, she would have had her small physical features about her. But of course my mom didn't want me to know that she had arms, legs, fingers, toes and a developing brain.
She gave me a weeks time to "decide." In that short time I was alone with my thoughts. Deep down, I didn't want to do it. But I didn't know what to do. I knew about adoption. I knew at least one place name was Catholic Social Services. Oh, yeah, about that; my mother's attitude was that since our family wasn't Catholic then my child shouldn't be Catholic. I had no idea who to call. I didn't know who to turn to for help. Sad thing is, my best friend at the time, who was going to stand up with me at the wedding to "Matt," had attended the same Christian high school I had. She even did a book report about abortion for one of the classes. I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call, her or an adoption center. Which is why in this day and age I am so glad for the internet. It may be too late for me. But it is not too late for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. It is so easy for her to Google places that can help and if she is afraid to call she can still email such agencies that will help. Since my pregnancy was in the mid nineties, I do not know if there were crisis pregnancy centers at the time. So I did not even think to open a phone book and look for such a thing
In my "deciding" time my mother had called my father. Just a note, they were divorced. She was probably thinking he was going to convince me to see her views. When actually it was the opposite. He was on his third marriage. They were living in another state, with many other states in between. Yeah, I didn't have much of a roll model for marriage and men/women relationships. I had a half brother from this union. Instead of coercing me, my father offered for him and his wife to adopt my child after she was born. My brother would have been a toddler after my child was born. Both my brother and child could have sibling figures to grow up with.
My mother didn't like this idea either. Even though if things had changed within the following seven months circumstances could change between me and "Matt." And if that were the case "Matt" and I would be able to raise the child on our own and be out of the adoption deal with my father easier than outside the family adoption. My mother told me that I would feel bad seeing my father raise my child when he wasn't there for me growing up. True, he wasn't there much for me growing up. But everyone is allowed redemption. Still would have been better than abortion.
Eventually, I relented and told my mother something like, "fine! I will have the abortion to make you happy." Her response was "it's not for me. It's for you to decide." What!? If it was for me to decide then she would have "allowed" for ALL options and supported me to help with ways to find adoption agencies and talked over how the adoption services work. That, that is true choice! But alas, it was never to be.
To be continued...
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Playing with Spiders and Snakes!
Spiders and snakes are gross, icky and scary! Am I right? Why in the heck am I writing about spiders and snakes on a pro-life post abortive blog? Doesn't make sense does it?
Here is how it makes sense. Being post abortive means I need to come to terms with the events of both abortions. This is a scary leap. I have been reading Kindle e-books written by women who have had abortions. Ah, technology. Purchase it online and receive on your mobile device faster than a meal from McDs. Following pro-life pages on Facebook. Reading pro-life blogs, websites and news. Watching YouTube videos. And of course, following Twitter.
So here I am reading my Twitter newsfeed. Seeing gruesome stories about abortion. Reading about unethical "doctors" being caught doing bad stuff topatients victims and/or having unsanitary clinics. Seeing pictures of abortion "procedures" and post abortive babies. These pictures are gross.
So why am I doing this? Why would I subject myself to such sights? It is almost like staring at a car wreck. You know you shouldn't look. You don't want to look. But you do. I believe this is part of my healing process. For so long the memories didn't seem real. This makes it real. As painful as it may be, it needs to be made real and confronted. I have heard that people with phobias need to be confronted directly with their fears. Whatever they are afraid of they need to touch it, see it, hear it, or be near it. Confronting the abortion issue is to me what handling icky things like spiders and snakes are to those with phobias.
Here is how it makes sense. Being post abortive means I need to come to terms with the events of both abortions. This is a scary leap. I have been reading Kindle e-books written by women who have had abortions. Ah, technology. Purchase it online and receive on your mobile device faster than a meal from McDs. Following pro-life pages on Facebook. Reading pro-life blogs, websites and news. Watching YouTube videos. And of course, following Twitter.
So here I am reading my Twitter newsfeed. Seeing gruesome stories about abortion. Reading about unethical "doctors" being caught doing bad stuff to
So why am I doing this? Why would I subject myself to such sights? It is almost like staring at a car wreck. You know you shouldn't look. You don't want to look. But you do. I believe this is part of my healing process. For so long the memories didn't seem real. This makes it real. As painful as it may be, it needs to be made real and confronted. I have heard that people with phobias need to be confronted directly with their fears. Whatever they are afraid of they need to touch it, see it, hear it, or be near it. Confronting the abortion issue is to me what handling icky things like spiders and snakes are to those with phobias.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
"Matt" Didn't Care
In continuation from a previous post; I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
After telling "Matt" that I was pregnant he didn't seem to care one way or the other. He said something to the effect of "Well my sister is a nurse. She knows of ways to take care of that." What? I took it to mean doing something at home to cause a miscarriage. I told him NO! Then in a jerky sort of way he said "I was just kidding" and said he would help to take care of the child.
I asked him if he was going to "make an honest woman of me." He said he would. OK, so not quite the romantic proposal little girls dream of, but I thought it meant he would marry me. Big misunderstanding on my part. Like most women who are planning on getting married I bought a bridal magazine. Looked at dresses. Talked to my mom. Was focusing on choosing an empire style gown. My best friend at the time had agreed to stand up with me.
Called the church that I had been baptized at, where my parents were married and where my grandparents were married. One of the closest dates that would have been available on my grandparent's anniversary. The baby would have only been a couple weeks old or a couple weeks before birth for that date. Again, as I had stated previously, my memory is foggy. I am just guestimating according to the rememberances of when I would have become pregnant.
At some point after all this was done, probably just a couple days after telling him, "Matt" saw the magazines on my coffee table. He laughed. Asked what that was all about. I said "we are getting married aren't we?". He said yeah. But maybe when the baby was a couple years old. I was hurt. I had just assumed he meant that he would marry me before the baby was born. Then we got into a fight. Arguing about how the baby would be raised, whether we were going to be living separately while raising the baby.
We did decide we would get married before the baby was born. I know, not quite the way to get started. But he didn't want a big wedding because he had been married before and didn't see the point of having a large wedding. Again, another argument. I didn't want a big huge affair. But I did want the traditional church wedding with the white dress.
I can not recall how long I was pregnant for before the abortion. It could have been only a week, two weeks, or three after finding out I was pregnant. I was about six weeks along when I had the ultrasound. In my mind's memory everything seemed at once a short time and a long time. I do recall my mother and I telling my grandmother and aunt. Spending a few pregnancy days with "Matt." Visiting my mother who lived in another town. I was once at his house while he was talking to his parents on the phone. He told them we were going to get married. On his side of the conversation he said "No, she's not pregnant." There was one day when we went to his sister's house to see his nieces and the puppies their dog had given birth too. He told me not to say anything about being pregnant to anyone.
To be continued...
After telling "Matt" that I was pregnant he didn't seem to care one way or the other. He said something to the effect of "Well my sister is a nurse. She knows of ways to take care of that." What? I took it to mean doing something at home to cause a miscarriage. I told him NO! Then in a jerky sort of way he said "I was just kidding" and said he would help to take care of the child.
I asked him if he was going to "make an honest woman of me." He said he would. OK, so not quite the romantic proposal little girls dream of, but I thought it meant he would marry me. Big misunderstanding on my part. Like most women who are planning on getting married I bought a bridal magazine. Looked at dresses. Talked to my mom. Was focusing on choosing an empire style gown. My best friend at the time had agreed to stand up with me.
Called the church that I had been baptized at, where my parents were married and where my grandparents were married. One of the closest dates that would have been available on my grandparent's anniversary. The baby would have only been a couple weeks old or a couple weeks before birth for that date. Again, as I had stated previously, my memory is foggy. I am just guestimating according to the rememberances of when I would have become pregnant.
At some point after all this was done, probably just a couple days after telling him, "Matt" saw the magazines on my coffee table. He laughed. Asked what that was all about. I said "we are getting married aren't we?". He said yeah. But maybe when the baby was a couple years old. I was hurt. I had just assumed he meant that he would marry me before the baby was born. Then we got into a fight. Arguing about how the baby would be raised, whether we were going to be living separately while raising the baby.
We did decide we would get married before the baby was born. I know, not quite the way to get started. But he didn't want a big wedding because he had been married before and didn't see the point of having a large wedding. Again, another argument. I didn't want a big huge affair. But I did want the traditional church wedding with the white dress.
I can not recall how long I was pregnant for before the abortion. It could have been only a week, two weeks, or three after finding out I was pregnant. I was about six weeks along when I had the ultrasound. In my mind's memory everything seemed at once a short time and a long time. I do recall my mother and I telling my grandmother and aunt. Spending a few pregnancy days with "Matt." Visiting my mother who lived in another town. I was once at his house while he was talking to his parents on the phone. He told them we were going to get married. On his side of the conversation he said "No, she's not pregnant." There was one day when we went to his sister's house to see his nieces and the puppies their dog had given birth too. He told me not to say anything about being pregnant to anyone.
To be continued...
Check Out My Twitter!
Despite not having too many posts and only one reader (the only friend who knows about the abortions), I now have a Twitter account. Not much. Just a way to follow pro-life news and when my thoughts are in 140 characters or less. Occasionally I will get outbursts in my head. Not much to blog about, but enough to write down. You can find me at https://twitter.com/AnaAndHannah.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Things that Make You Go Hmmmm...
I have wanted the first few posts of this here little blog to be of my own personal story, then onto linking to other stories. But then again, not everything is "perfectly planned as we want it to be" ;) . I have been trying to come up with the words to continue my story. I am a follower of many pro-life organizations on FB. One of them being National Right to Life. Just came across one post that links to their main website, that really made me think and feel the need to share now. It is titled 10 amazing things that happen to babies before birth.
Completely shoots down the whole "It's just a clump of cells" or "It's just a blob of tissue" myths. Some of this is just amazing. It is lies that I was told by my own mother when she coerced me to have the abortion done. Such as the "blob" will feel no pain. It has no brain. I will get more into details of the coercion in future postings. In the meantime, check this out;
Anything in italics is my own commentary
1) “On the first day following fertilization, the human embryo is identifiable as a specific individual human being on a molecular level.”
2) A Baby’s Heart Begins to Beat at 21 Days.
Perhaps I had already known that during the coercion, but in the bullying down from family my mind was so confused that I wasn't even thinking that.
3) At 2 to 3 Weeks, a Baby’s Brain is the “First Organ to Appear.”
4) A Baby May Feel Physical Pain as Early as His Fifth Week.
Dear God in heavan! Why!? Why does no one tell you this!? In fact, they tell you just the opposite!
5) A Baby’s Kidneys are Present at Only 5 Weeks.
6) A Baby’s Brainwaves Can be Measured at 6 Weeks Old.
Wow, just wow! All I can say.
7) At 6 Weeks, a Baby Will Move Away if His Mouth is Touched.
8) A Baby’s Ear Can Begin to be Seen Around 6 Weeks.
9) A Baby Has Fingerprints at 9-10 Weeks.
10) A Baby Can Suck Her Thumb and Yawn at 9 1/2 Weeks Old.
This is just the synopsis of the main article. Please click the link above or here for the full article.
Completely shoots down the whole "It's just a clump of cells" or "It's just a blob of tissue" myths. Some of this is just amazing. It is lies that I was told by my own mother when she coerced me to have the abortion done. Such as the "blob" will feel no pain. It has no brain. I will get more into details of the coercion in future postings. In the meantime, check this out;
Anything in italics is my own commentary
1) “On the first day following fertilization, the human embryo is identifiable as a specific individual human being on a molecular level.”
2) A Baby’s Heart Begins to Beat at 21 Days.
Perhaps I had already known that during the coercion, but in the bullying down from family my mind was so confused that I wasn't even thinking that.
3) At 2 to 3 Weeks, a Baby’s Brain is the “First Organ to Appear.”
4) A Baby May Feel Physical Pain as Early as His Fifth Week.
Dear God in heavan! Why!? Why does no one tell you this!? In fact, they tell you just the opposite!
5) A Baby’s Kidneys are Present at Only 5 Weeks.
6) A Baby’s Brainwaves Can be Measured at 6 Weeks Old.
Wow, just wow! All I can say.
7) At 6 Weeks, a Baby Will Move Away if His Mouth is Touched.
8) A Baby’s Ear Can Begin to be Seen Around 6 Weeks.
9) A Baby Has Fingerprints at 9-10 Weeks.
10) A Baby Can Suck Her Thumb and Yawn at 9 1/2 Weeks Old.
This is just the synopsis of the main article. Please click the link above or here for the full article.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
The Memories are Somewhat Foggy and Hazy
I am just starting to write my memories, as I have only recently been confronted with them. As in with the previous post, I found in the timeline of my memories that I could not pinpoint exact times for certain events, mostly just in seasonal and roundabout time frames. That is also going to happen in future posts. Some aspects of the pregnancy and abortions, along with events following and related to said abortions, I have absolute clear memories. Other pieces, kind of sort of. Then some things, drawing total blanks. Please bear with me during the "foggy" parts.
I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception
I had been dating "Matt" since November of 1994. We started out as friends. I had only been living on my own for just a couple months before that. Never had any dating experience. I worked with "Matt." Sometimes he would visit me at my apartment, sometimes I would visit at him at his house. He had attempted quite a few times to get me to sleep with him. I rebuffed him at first. It was early January of 1995 when I finally lost my virginity to him.
I am not sure exactly when I would have gotten pregnant, perhaps it was during "my first time." I do recall at some point "Matt" was staying at my apartment, I think it was late January or early February. I woke up to go to the bathroom, he was still asleep. Nothing seriously physical was wrong with me. Yet, I couldn't shake off a strange feeling that something was "off." Not sure what it was exactly. I had wondered if maybe I were pregnant, yet I didn't really have any symptoms. I could feel something physical inside of me that just didn't seem usual.
Then I started getting a little poochy belly and my boobs were growing quite fast. I was then leaning towards the possibility that I may be pregnant. My family noticed my "growing." I just told them that maybe I was eating too much.
I still kept having gnawing thoughts of pregnancy. I kept those thoughts to myself. I had bought a couple at home pregnancy tests. The package said that results are shown after the first missed period. Well I didn't have a missed period. So that was useless. There was a part of me that didn't want to be pregnant, but a part of me would like to have been a mother. I can't quite explain the feeling.
Then one day, for no reason at all, I decided to clean the little apartment and rearrange the furniture. I just wanted a whole new look. That is when I had the very worst period of my entire life! The cramps were horrible. The bleeding was crazy. I was bed ridden for over a week. I had never ever had cramps before. Previously, since age 12, the bleeding was the only sign I was ever having my period.
Things just didn't seem right. I made an appointment with the doctor. I was young, naive and inexperienced. I was scared to tell her that I thought I may be pregnant. I just told her my symptoms, in hopes that she would ask the questions. She never did. Just gave me some pain pills.
Still, something did not seem right. I took another at home pregnancy test. Yep, positive. I do believe I told my mother first. I can't remember for sure if it was or her or "Matt" that I told first, most likely it was her. She was a bit disappointed, but she was willing to support me. She asked about the doctor visit. I told her that the doctor didn't even do or say anything leading toward pregnancy. My mother had called the doctor, and told her about my at home test results. She referred us to an OB/GYN. They confirmed that I was pregnant. An ultra sound was performed. My mother was with me and saw the ultra sound. I saw my little child. "She" was at 6 weeks along.
That is when I told "Matt" I was definitely pregnant. To be continued...
I am not sure exactly when I would have gotten pregnant, perhaps it was during "my first time." I do recall at some point "Matt" was staying at my apartment, I think it was late January or early February. I woke up to go to the bathroom, he was still asleep. Nothing seriously physical was wrong with me. Yet, I couldn't shake off a strange feeling that something was "off." Not sure what it was exactly. I had wondered if maybe I were pregnant, yet I didn't really have any symptoms. I could feel something physical inside of me that just didn't seem usual.
Then I started getting a little poochy belly and my boobs were growing quite fast. I was then leaning towards the possibility that I may be pregnant. My family noticed my "growing." I just told them that maybe I was eating too much.
I still kept having gnawing thoughts of pregnancy. I kept those thoughts to myself. I had bought a couple at home pregnancy tests. The package said that results are shown after the first missed period. Well I didn't have a missed period. So that was useless. There was a part of me that didn't want to be pregnant, but a part of me would like to have been a mother. I can't quite explain the feeling.
Then one day, for no reason at all, I decided to clean the little apartment and rearrange the furniture. I just wanted a whole new look. That is when I had the very worst period of my entire life! The cramps were horrible. The bleeding was crazy. I was bed ridden for over a week. I had never ever had cramps before. Previously, since age 12, the bleeding was the only sign I was ever having my period.
Things just didn't seem right. I made an appointment with the doctor. I was young, naive and inexperienced. I was scared to tell her that I thought I may be pregnant. I just told her my symptoms, in hopes that she would ask the questions. She never did. Just gave me some pain pills.
Still, something did not seem right. I took another at home pregnancy test. Yep, positive. I do believe I told my mother first. I can't remember for sure if it was or her or "Matt" that I told first, most likely it was her. She was a bit disappointed, but she was willing to support me. She asked about the doctor visit. I told her that the doctor didn't even do or say anything leading toward pregnancy. My mother had called the doctor, and told her about my at home test results. She referred us to an OB/GYN. They confirmed that I was pregnant. An ultra sound was performed. My mother was with me and saw the ultra sound. I saw my little child. "She" was at 6 weeks along.
That is when I told "Matt" I was definitely pregnant. To be continued...
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Introduction
I am nearing my 40th birthday. I had my first abortion when I was 20 years old. I have just now come to terms with it. After almost 20 years. At the beginning I was so far in denial that even if I were put through I lie detector test being asked such questions as if I ever had an abortion or was ever even pregnant I could answer no and completely pass said lie detector. A few years after that I did realize that I did have an abortion. Yet, it was so far in the back of my mind that I was reflecting on it in terms of being a third person.
It has only been since March of 2014 in which I realized that I did have any abortions. Where it actually felt like memories, as opposed to being on the outside looking in. The anxiety and other emotions have been constant in my thoughts since then. I replay in my head the circumstances leading up to the procedure. The coercion from family. Myself not standing up to them and protecting my own child. Wishing I had done one thing or another to have stopped it. Wishing that there had been someone with more of a backbone to stop it.
Looking back, I have realized how the abortions affected my life in a sub-conscience way. I have since been reading the truth about what abortion is really about. How the feminists have lied to women, and not just on abortion issues, since the so-called "sexual revolution." I may not know a whole lot. But I do plan to tell my story in parts. Give my opinions. Link to pro-life articles shedding the light on the truth and news that is pertinent to the pro-life movement. I am in no way an expert. But I do have thoughts. Thoughts that need to be shared.
It has only been since March of 2014 in which I realized that I did have any abortions. Where it actually felt like memories, as opposed to being on the outside looking in. The anxiety and other emotions have been constant in my thoughts since then. I replay in my head the circumstances leading up to the procedure. The coercion from family. Myself not standing up to them and protecting my own child. Wishing I had done one thing or another to have stopped it. Wishing that there had been someone with more of a backbone to stop it.
Looking back, I have realized how the abortions affected my life in a sub-conscience way. I have since been reading the truth about what abortion is really about. How the feminists have lied to women, and not just on abortion issues, since the so-called "sexual revolution." I may not know a whole lot. But I do plan to tell my story in parts. Give my opinions. Link to pro-life articles shedding the light on the truth and news that is pertinent to the pro-life movement. I am in no way an expert. But I do have thoughts. Thoughts that need to be shared.
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