Does He Even Remember Me?

That's a question I asked myself last night while trying to sleep.

I sometimes have dreams about getting back together with "Matt." Many times it comes to fruition. But then he disappears. Or one of us we will try to contact each other, yet missing a connection. We are never parents in any of the dreams. I never really gave much thought to any of these dreams, other than wonder where that came from after waking up.

Until last night. I was thinking about him. Thought about the good times and the bad times. And yes, there were good times. But does he remember any of them? Does he remember the woman he dated for a year and a half? Does he remember the woman whom he impregnated? Does he ever wonder if the child really was lost to miscarriage? Did he ever wonder if she was pregnant before breaking up with him? If he thought yes, did he wonder what happened to that child?

Does he even remember her name? Does he remember what she looks like? Does he remember that he was her first...everything?
I remember the first time he kissed me. I giggled. It was nothing against him. I wasn't laughing at him. I was almost twenty years old, and had never been kissed! Heck, I had never even dated anyone! It was a nervous reaction. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to say it back. He was rather offended by that. I wasn't sure if I did love him. I didn't know what love is. Perhaps I still don't. I did end up reciprocating the sentiment. But did I mean it? Did he mean it? I don't know. Perhaps, on both accounts.
I remember the first time he tried to have sex with me. I remember being swept away and taken in. Almost relenting. Then pulling back. I remember the first time of surrendering to him. The details of which would not be appropriate to speak of.

During the breakdown of 2014 I did check on Facebook to see if he had a profile set up. Not really that I wanted to reconnect, just checking to see if he was on there. What would I even say to him? Why would I tell him that I was contacting him after all this time? At that time he was in a relationship. He may or may not still be.

I have since found out that he now has a son. Doing the math, that son is less than a year younger than what Hanelore would be. Because I don't know the exact mathematics of that boy's birth month or even when Hanelore's due date would have been; I am not sure if "Matt" impregnated another woman towards the end of our relationship or soon after my breaking up with him.
There is a bit of hurt in that. Whether he was cheating on me or started a relationship soon after the break up. I can't help but wonder what was so special about the mother of his son that she was "allowed to" give birth to his child, but I wasn't. Did she have support from "Matt"? Did she have support from her family? Or was she stronger than me and stood up to them all? Is she the woman "Matt" is in a relationship with, or was recently? Does "Matt" look at his son and think that the son may or may not have a sister? Does he regret his non committal attitude toward my pregnancy with Anastasia? 

I Knew, Almost Soon After Conception

I had been dating "Matt" since November of 1994.  We started out as friends.  I had only been living on my own for just a couple months before that.  Never had any dating experience.  I worked with "Matt."  Sometimes he would visit me at my apartment, sometimes I would visit at him at his house.  He had attempted quite a few times to get me to sleep with him.  I rebuffed him at first.  It was early January of 1995 when I finally lost my virginity to him.
I am not sure exactly when I would have gotten pregnant, perhaps it was during "my first time."  I do recall at some point "Matt" was staying at my apartment, I think it was late January or early February.  I woke up to go to the bathroom, he was still asleep.  Nothing seriously physical was wrong with me.  Yet, I couldn't shake off a strange feeling that something was "off."  Not sure what it was exactly.  I had wondered if maybe I were pregnant, yet I didn't really have any symptoms.  I could feel something physical inside of me that just didn't seem usual.
Then I started getting a little poochy belly and my boobs were growing quite fast.  I was then leaning towards the possibility that I may be pregnant.  My family noticed my "growing."  I just told them that maybe I was eating too much. 
I still kept having gnawing thoughts of pregnancy.  I kept those thoughts to myself.  I had bought a couple at home pregnancy tests.  The package said that results are shown after the first missed period.  Well I didn't have a missed period.  So that was useless.  There was a part of me that didn't want to be pregnant, but a part of me would like to have been a mother.  I can't quite explain the feeling.
Then one day, for no reason at all, I decided to clean the little apartment and rearrange the furniture.  I just wanted a whole new look.  That is when I had the very worst period of my entire life!  The cramps were horrible.  The bleeding was crazy.  I was bed ridden for over a week.  I had never ever had cramps before.  Previously, since age 12, the bleeding was the only sign I was ever having my period. 
Things just didn't seem right.  I made an appointment with the doctor.  I was young, naive and inexperienced.  I was scared to tell her that I thought I may be pregnant.  I just told her my symptoms, in hopes that she would ask the questions.  She never did.  Just gave me some pain pills.
Still, something did not seem right.  I took another at home pregnancy test.  Yep, positive.  I do believe I told my mother first.  I can't remember for sure if it was or her or "Matt" that I told first, most likely it was her. She was a bit disappointed, but she was willing to support me.  She asked about the doctor visit.  I told her that the doctor didn't even do or say  anything leading toward pregnancy.  My mother had called the doctor, and told her about my at home test results.  She referred us to an OB/GYN.  They confirmed that I was pregnant.  An ultra sound was performed.  My mother was with me and saw the ultra sound.  I saw my little child.  "She" was at 6 weeks along.

That is when I told "Matt" I was definitely pregnant.  To be continued...