Monday Book Reads - Her Choice to Heal

I have mentioned before that soon after the memories came to light I started reading books regarding post abortion healing. I would like to share some of those books in which have helped me in my healing journey. I am thinking of doing a weekly book spotlight. I have chosen Monday. Seems a good day as any. The best way to give a description of the books is to do a copy/paste of the Amazon.com description. It would be the best way to give credit to what the author is trying to convey through their writings. I may reread the book and give quick short review, within the week. It may be interesting to reread with fresh eyes.
Perhaps, you dear reader, are post-abortive and/or know someone who is. The abortion may have been recent. Perhaps happened a few years ago. Maybe even a few decades. And the woman is just now remembering, as is what happened with me. You are trying to figure out what's going on, within yourself. Or you want to help your friend/family member. But you don't know how. While most of these books are written with the post abortive woman as the reader in mind, they can also help others to understand the thoughts and actions of the post abortive woman. They can be a suggestion for the post abortive woman in your life. But do not, I repeat DO NOT suggest any book to her UNLESS and only unless she has shown interest in getting healing information.
Most books on the subject are Christian based. A few are non religious in nature. The Christian based books are not so overt as to be of uninterest to non Christians.
Whether you are the post abortive woman or she is someone you know, the healing may come right away, or it may take a while, even a few years. Please do not begin reading with a healing timeline. Just give to God in prayer and let Him do his work in you.

That being said, the inauguration book for this new series is Her Choice to Heal by Sydna Masse. The title itself says it all. The choice to heal needs to be the woman's herself. She does not need anybody to be "helpful," as it can seem a bit pushy, putting her on the spot.

Description from Amazon.com;

What do 33% of American women have in common?  They've experienced abortion.

You might be one of these women. Or maybe it's your friend, sister, coworker, or the woman sitting next to you at church. Regardless, post-abortive women are in pain, and at some point, most will experience post-abortion syndrome (PAS), a form of post traumatic stress disorder. But they may never talk about it. Many are silent because they are filled with shame, grief and guilt, afraid of judgment and condemnation.  Few realize that peace is attainable through Christ's mourning process and the knowledge that because of His grace, they will reunite with their lost loved ones in Heaven.
Her Choice to Heal is designed to help women find a way to God's healing after this devastating choice.  Written by a post-abortive woman, it includes testimonies of strength, healing and hope.  Sydna compassionately leads you on the difficult journey through denial, anger, and grief, to forgiveness, redemption, and letting go.  Her Choice to Heal offers a roadmap to healing - practical suggestions, resources for help, space to journal, with the encouragement and hope found in Christ alone. 

Can be purchased at this link.

Ready to Forgive my Grandmother

"Forgive and forget" or "Forgive, but you don't have to forget." Oh that's easy for *you* (You as in society in general) to say. Maybe it's not. Have *you* taken your own advice? Has someone told you those words, after someone else hurt you and/or you learned new information about a situation that changed everything as you thought you knew it? Did *you* make a snap decision to forgive immediately? Or are *you* using your hearer as a social guinea pig, of sorts? Perhaps *you* want to see whether or not the hearer will forgive the other person. Maybe *you* are "timing" them. To see how long it will take for them to forgive. Then you can validate your own slothfulness.

Now let's get to the subject. Early last year I learned, from my mother, that the abortion was my grandma's idea. You can read about it here and here. Perhaps I said some things that were a bit cruel and crossed a line. At the time I was in a fog. It all seemed like a dream. A dream where you know the characters and think you know the story while simultaneously not knowing the story.

The wounds have now been healed. I am in different place. My state of mind is changed.

Since the flashbacks started and I was searching for information, through online articles and books,to help understand what was going on forgiveness was one the focuses. At the time of reading, I didn't know the extent of my grandma's involvement. So it never even crossed my mind to forgive her.

A few things happened, before and after, since learning the information about my grandma. Soon after the breakdown I had confessed and received absolution from a (denomination redacted) pastor, in regards to the sin of the abortions; and a few related things. That should go into a post all of its own. Then at some point I was able to forgive myself for the abortions.
My grandmother is the oldest daughter of six children. Two of her siblings passed away many years ago. Recently she lost her oldest brother and a sister. Both within a couple months. Her and one sister are the only two remaining "children" of her parents. She is over ninety years old. Our family is dying out. There are many carrying out future generations on her brothers' side. There aren't many of us able to carry out future generations on the sisters' side.

With this I am realizing my grandma probably won't be with the family much longer. Maybe a few more years left for her. A decade, tops. Having been forgiven from God, of this and many other sins, I should also extend forgiveness towards her. But how do I do this? I have already told my mother that I am at this stage in my healing. Should I just forgive in my heart? Let her know? How I would I go about that when she hasn't asked forgiveness? Obviously I can't tell her over the phone. When seeing next do I bring it up casually "Grandma, I forgive you in your role in the abortion. Pass the peas."

The books and articles never said it would be easy. The authors, who have been in the same situation and/or talked with those who have, admit to that. It takes prayer and contemplation. It must be worked out with time. For some it takes longer than others.

Get Up and Dust Off

No, that's not like telling someone to "forget and move on." Nor is it asking of anyone to do this. Simply talking to myself. Been about half a year since my last posting. Was busy with work and gardening most of the spring and summer. More on that later. Yes, it is true that I stated I had a breakthrough. And yes I really did.

But does it mean that everything is hunky-dory, happy, smiley all the time? No. Does it mean I will sometimes have setbacks? Yes. Does it mean I will sometimes memory recalls? Yes. Does it mean I will sometimes have bouts of anxiety? Yes.

Look, I am a realist. I can never be positive NOR negative at all times. It's just not within me. My mantra is like the line from The Facts of Life theme song; "You take the good, you take the bad. The facts of life, the facts of life."

During the past six months I've had ups and downs. Nothing extreme, one way or the other. Started gardening. Or should I say the first time I have actually stuck with it? Was all excited; ordering seeds, imagining the yummy veggies that would grow in my own yard, the happy arrival, sowing some seeds indoors, waiting for better weather to direct sow the rest outside. But not everything went as planned; unpredictable weather, wind storm taking down greenhouse and with it quite a few seedlings, bugs and slugs.
The negativity of gardening would bring me down. Sometimes wanting to give up. From which I would take a break. Sometimes I had to force myself to do the simple things like watering the plants. Wondering why I even bothered. Would have tight knots of anxiety at the thought of wandering out into the garden. But once I got over the hump my enthusiasm would come back. Would stay outside as long as I could to make the yard and garden all pretty.
As I posted a couple years ago, the neighbors' lawn equipment would give me anxiety. Not much of a problem this year. There were a few times I would pace about, wanting the noise to stop. But all in all, no big deal.

Some stress at work. But nothing beyond normal. Mostly, it's a job. Would be too tired to partake in local summer festivities. Took part in a few church activities. Everything about church is terrific.

While majority of the time wasn't bothered with much in regard to the abortion. I do recall a setback on the Fourth of July. As long time readers recall, this was the date I broke up with "Matt" just before the second abortion. Not that I was dwelling on it before the anxiety. The anxiety happened first. Was pretty much fine before that, and then *whomp*! Let it ride out. Then I was fine again.
Anxiety showed up again around Labor Day weekend. This would be the anniversary of having one of my cats put down. Of all the cats that have passed on his death I took the hardest. Sometimes, looking back, I think transposed my feelings of the abortion onto the grieving of his death. Though this happened before the flashbacks, the memories were readying to bubble up.

I am still healing. I will probably always be in some sort of state of healing. I don't think this is something you can totally forget once you remember. The thing to do is move forward. Not "move on." Trying to "move on" can be futile. Causes nothing but frustration when memory recalls come up. I think that was one of my biggest mistakes for the first year or so after the flashbacks.
Sometimes I will fall. I will get back up. Dust myself off. Move forward on my journey. I will probably fall again and get back up again. With many repeats for the rest of my time on this earth. I have just learned to take that prospect in stride.

I really couldn't get through this without faith in God. Mostly I do my daily devotional routine and read from scripture, keeping my focus on Jesus. But if I am having a particular rough time with things I will take time to pray and ask God respite from my anxiety.
One comfort I receive is from the "Categories of the Psalms" in the back of "Reading the Psalms with Luther." I will choose a few suggested verses from a category that matches with my current thoughts and what's going on at the moment. This was a suggestion by someone I consider a friend and confidant. Oh "The Golden Girls"!