No, no, no, I am not pregnant! Goodness, no! I have proudly been a celibate asexual for over ten years. So ain't happening here.
My cousin's wife is pregnant. Making my grandma a great grandmother twenty three years after she was supposed to be the first time. I just found out a few days ago. I think everyone was afraid to tell me. My mother was the one who told me.
At first I was fine with it, perhaps a little numb. But now that the gravity of it all has hit I am feeling a little weirded out. Maybe a lot weirded. I don't know. Spending the day in bed. Perhaps eat comfort food. Read Bible and pray. Watch a movie.
I wish no ill will toward my cousin or his wife, and especially not toward the baby. I am actually happy for them. In fact, I am praying for a healthy pregnancy, a healthy birth and a healthy childhood for the baby.
I am feeling rather conflicted that my grandmother could easily be a great great grandmother already. Considering that Anastasia would now be twenty-two. Yet the situation will be viewed as her being a great grandmother for the first time. Both inside the immediate family, and in the extended family. The great granddaughter she rejected is tossed aside, not even a memory.
I guess she is happy about my cousin's baby. I don't know. She didn't even tell me about it. A part of me wants her to not be happy. I want her to recall the great granddaughter she rejected twenty three years ago. And feel severe pangs of guilt. I want her to understand the pain that it caused.
I know this is wrong. In fact I claimed to have forgiven her about half a year ago. Was the forgiveness a lie? Can I really have forgiven her yet still hurt? And want her to hurt? Am I a bad person for such feelings?
No, the forgiveness was not a lie. And I would think it only natural that you would experience hurt.
ReplyDeleteYou recognize that it’s wrong of you to want your grandma to feel severe pangs of guilt. Otherwise you wouldn’t have posted this and asked the questions you did. It’s good that you recognize this. And most importantly of all, as a Chiristian who has been made new by the grace and forgiveness of the Gospel, you know that you can come before your Father in heaven with all boldness and confidence and seek his help at this time of need. He loves you. He gave His Son for you. You are forgiven. He will see you through this. And He will accomplish His gracious purposes for you even in this.
Thank you so much for this comment! It really is what I needed to hear. Also what other post abortive persons need to hear too.
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