And That's OK

So the other day one of my coworkers dropped me off at home. A van for a home improvement company for the neighbor's project was parked in front of my house. I just walked around it, through the snow in my yard. One of the workers was coming out of the van. He said "sorry." I responded back with "that's OK." And I meant it. Didn't bother me.

I'm sure most of us respond with "that's OK" when someone responds with "sorry" over something that could be seen as a mild inconvenience, whether it really is or not. Whether we perceive it to be an inconvenience or not.

I usually respond with "that's OK," whether or not I think it is OK. Most the time I am not bothered. But even when I am bothered I go to the basic default of "it's OK."
This especially before I experienced the breakdown. I was a complete and total emotionless doormat.
Especially around men. And most of these men were selfish jerks. No, I do not mean most men are selfish jerks. Those who I allowed in my life were. There are some reasons I allowed jerkbutt men in my life. But not on a conscience level. I know the reasons for it and I am working on that.
They would do some shit that would wrong me. If they actually did apologize I would tell them "that's OK." But it really wasn't. I would be seething inside while pretending I wasn't bothered.

In my current phase of healing there is another type of saying "it's OK." It is reminding me that having not so perfect moments or thoughts are OK.

Some days I have anxiety - and that's OK
Some days I think about my daughters - and that's OK
     Some days I wonder what life would have been like with them - and that's OK
     Some days I wonder who they would be if they were alive - and that's OK
I wonder how to become normal - and that's OK
     I wonder if I ever will be normal - and that's OK
     I wonder if I ever was normal - and that's OK
I still talk to myself, in regards to the abortions - and that's OK.
     I say I miss my daughters - and that's OK
     I say I want my daughters back - and that's OK
     I say you killed my daughters - and that's OK
     Sometimes simply saying my daughters, without anything specific - and that's OK