In trying to heal and talk through my feelings with my mother I have heard the same tired old trite "I know plenty of women who have had abortions and they are fine. They are married, happy and have children. Blah, blah, blah." This seems to be a tactic of the pro-abortion side. All it does is makes post abortion women who have anxiety issues feel bad about themselves. They end up feeling marginalized, useless, weird, wrong, crazy, add your own adjective.
In fact, every time I talk to my mother it seems I find a new relative who had an abortion. One of these is a cousin of her's. She claims that the cousin is happily married with children and grandchildren. Come to find out, she never heard it from the cousin. I don't know who the source is. But how the hell does she know if the cousin is happy or not, if she has not heard her views from the person directly? I wonder how many others of the "women she knows" are merely third hand?
I have Googled for advice as to what or what not to say to someone who has had an abortion(s). The following, from AfterAbortion.org is probably the best source I found with both don'ts with a corresponding do. I will list the don'ts and link to the full article.
DON'T SAY
DON’T shut them off by changing the subject.
DON’T presume to know their own unique situation or condemn them for making a bad or immoral choice.
DON’T deny that they lost a child.
DON’T encourage them to blame others for the abortion. But don’t push them to forgive others, especially when they are in the initial stages of venting their anger and rage.
DON’T dismiss their feeling or tell them “did what was best,” or to just “get over it.”
DON’T suggest that having another child “someday” can
make up for the one that was lost. This can negate their pain, suffering
and feelings of loss for that particular child. Future children are a
blessing and comfort, but they can’t replace the child who was lost.
DON’T leave them without offering your support and, if needed, encouraging them to seek out the help of post-abortion counselors or peer support groups.
DON’T be afraid to ask them how they are doing with it in the future.
These are just the Don'ts. Please do go to the full link, http://afterabortion.org/1999/what-to-say-and-not-say-when-talking-to-someone-who-has-had-an-abortion/ to also read the dos.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
A Letter to my Mother
I have been going through some issues lately. My anxiety seems to come and go. Some days I am totally fine. Others I am a total basket case. During the "basket days" I can go from lethargy to anger and back and forth. One thing going on is my relationship with my mother. We have never really been estranged, but more strained. I have tried to open up communications, at first I thought she was understanding, but I feel it is more she waits for me to show vulnerability to attack me while I am wounded. The following is the first letter/email of my "coming out" in regards to the anxiety about the abortions so many years ago. I did not mention my personal abortions, just alluding to them. The letter has been slightly edited to eliminate names and/or locations that would identify me.
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon. I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits. And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet. Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics. And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector. Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix. Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion. If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon. I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits. And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet. Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics. And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector. Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix. Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion. If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
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