Wednesday, March 21, 2018

First of the Year Quarterly Update

Looks like it's been about six months since my last posting. Oh my, where has the time gone? Where do I even start?
Perhaps I should get back to where I left off and "move forward" (that's kind of my catch phrase from now on) from there.

So the last post was about the Her Choice to Heal book by Sydna Masse. I stated that I would like to start a weekly book report about different post abortive books on healing. I still plan on doing that. Currently I am participating in an online book group for Lent. So, I will get back to sharing info on the books soon after Easter.

Part of what distracted me from writing was my mother came to visit, from the current state in which she lives. Actually, things went pretty well. We may have had a small tiff here or there. But generally we got along. And I would like to share that specific aspect of the healing journey in upcoming posts.

Been reading past posts, wow somebody needs a proof reader! But I digress. Seems since the breakdown I always seem to become physically ill in one form or another off and on from January to March. Yep. Been like that this year, of 2018. It will probably be like that, if not forever, for the next few years. And you know what? That's OK.

At the beginning of this year I decided to make an "anti-resolution." Let me explain. At the start of every calendar year so many of us make resolutions for this thing or the other. Usually it's weight loss, being more healthy, being a better spouse, employee, student, giving up one habit of another, giving more to charity, volunteering, or just a better person in general.
Every year at the start of January, since the memories surfaced, I would always make my little vows that "this year will be better." I would proclaim that I would not let the anxiety bother me. I would proclaim to not let the memories get to to me. How that would happen I don't know.
This year I decided not to even try. Despite being sick off and on, this has probably been my best first quarter of the year since the breakdowns. Perhaps even since the abortions.
Do I still fall? Yes. Do I get back up? Yes. A while back I chose to get up and dust off, over forget and move on. By the way, I hate that phrase about forgetting and moving on with every passion in my being. My falling seems to be less extreme and injurious, the bumps and bruises are less painful. This of course from an emotional standpoint. When I get up from the falls I stand taller. I stand prouder. The dust that needs to be shaken off is less thick.
Why is this? It could be just the old standby of "time heals old wounds." Which I will give credence to that. But I think there is an aspect of when the memories do surface I just let it ride. I don't attempt to will them away. The memories do seem less frequent. Frankly, there really is not many new memories to come to the surface. Though there are still some blank spots, I think I have remembered all that I can.

Perhaps I am remembering all that God will allow. Perhaps He will give me more memories as He sees fit that I can handle. Perhaps not. Truly I could not do this without my faith in Him. My morning prayers don't include specifities about the memories, unless I may have had a rather jarring dream that recalled back to the memories. But I do pray that He will watch over, guide me, and keep the anxiety at bay. Should I have anxiety in the day, I will stop what I am doing and get on my knees to pray.

One area in which I will be making a conscious effort is ideas for future posts, besides those mentioned above. I will be writing thoughts that have been stuck in my head since last year, but still relevant to share. I want to keep up the Random Thoughts page, when quick quips pop in my head. I also want to fill in the gaps about the first ten or so years following the abortions. I will be adding current pro-life articles that are in the news. Perhaps just sharing, maybe adding my own thoughts. I will be adding a few Christian posts, that focus on grief and abortion.

2 comments:

  1. Nice, cheery post. IWelcome back. I’m glad you’re doing so well this year!

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    1. Not quite sure if it is cheery, but if that is how it came across then I suppose that is a good sign in my journey.

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