On my bedroom dresser is a photo of four generations of "girls" in my family, me, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. It was a studiophotograph taken in the late 1970's. I believe I was about three years old then.
Taking a day to just chilax today, was stretching out on the bed cat style. Meaning instead of lying in the specific spot for my head on the pillow and my feet placed at the foot of the bed, just lying down in any position I felt comfy. Looked over to the dresser. Saw the photo.
There should have been such a photo that would have included Ana and Hanna, along with myself, mother and grandmother. But there is no such photo. Because they were not allowed to be born. And ironically, that is because of a decision made by myself, my mother, and grandmother.
There never would have been a five generation photo that would have included my great grandmother, even should my daughters had been born. My great grandmother passed on the summer after my first abortion. She didn't know I was ever pregnant.
I do wonder how she would have reacted to news of my pregnancy had I told her. I am sure she would have been saddened by the fact that I was pregnant before marriage. But would she have been disappointed in me? That I am unsure of. Would she have supported me in a decision to keep my child, or put her up for adoption? I suppose these are things I will never know.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
I was Once Pro-Choice...
The following will be rather disjointed and slightly out of order...
Pro-Choice. What does that even mean? I suppose it could mean anything to any people. So many labels. Pro-Choice. Pro-Life. Pro-Abortion. Anti-Life. Anti-Abortion. Some of these labels are self identified, by individuals and organizations. Some of these labels are thrown onto "the enemy," by individuals, organizations, media and pundits. So much of "don't call me this, call me that," "that label sounds cruel and heartless," "this label sounds more kinder."
That being said; let's focus mainly on the Pro-Choice label. Seems to have gone through many definitions since my abortion in 1995. Mainly, I have thought of it as someone who doesn't "personally support abortion, but supports other women's 'right' to abort." Of course there are others, from both "sides," who could explain the definition better.
I had always considered myself Pro-Life; since high school, at the time of my pregnancy with Anastasia, and even after the abortion. Ironic, huh? Yeah, I was Pro-Life, yet I couldn't even keep my own child, my flesh and blood, alive.
I recall sometime after the second abortion watching some sort of docudrama about Margaret Sanger, founder of Planned Parenthood, on Lifetime Television. You know, the network for women, about women, by women; or something like that. Actress Dana Delaney played the so-called "heroine." Off topic, but they did quite a good casting. They do resemble each other quite well.
Back to the subject at hand. While watching the movie the "big bad lawmakers," media, society, and law enforcement was being meany-weany to her. She was talking to doctors and "medical experts." Doing "research." Making housecalls to women who were doing the supposed coat hanger abortions on themselves at home. Oh I was sitting in front of the TV just rooting her on.
That's not even the worst. I was going through a cruel period in my life. I recall watching Maury or Sally Jesse, this was the big age of talk shows in the mid 90's. The show was girlfriends and ex-girlfriends revealing big major secrets. Believe it or not, I had the cruel fantasy of someday I would go on the show and reveal both abortions to "Matt." LORD forgive me!
Then, at some point I went through a black out period in regards to the abortions. Totally forgetting about them. Didn't think about them at all. Yet still, I considered myself Pro-Life.
Fast forward a decade or so. I started getting involved politically. I identified as a Republican. Got involved with political meetings. Did some volunteering for a few campaigns. Went to conventions and such.
Did quite a bit of conservative blogging. No, I will not reveal the old blog. It has been taken down, no more to be written there. One of the Republican and conservative issues is the Pro-Life cause, more or less. Again, remember, I was thinking myself Pro-Life. Yet in a few of my posts I was lamenting "why is everyone so obsessed with abortion."
It is rather hard to explain, but I had forgotten my abortions yet simultaneously remembering I had had abortions. My attitude toward those talking about Pro-Life was "stop obsessing," "yeah, abortion is bad," "but it's going to happen anyways," "it's been going on since just about the beginning of time," "focus on the economy."
I still believe there is a correlation between economy and abortion. But both need to be focused on. Believe it or not, I still considered myself Pro-Life. I don't even know if I supported making abortion illegal at the time.
In conclusion, many of those on the Pro-Life end of things say that if one does not believe in making abortion illegal and is whole heartedly against abortion for all then really you are Pro-Choice or Pro-Abortion. Basically, I have come to believe that yes I was once Pro-Choice.
I am now wholly and fully Pro-Life. I would like to talk more about how I came about that view. But I need to fill in a few gaps. It would have to include the beginning of my breakdown. That was not a one time thing. It was a slow process leading up. I am not sure I am ready for that. Perhaps I am. But it would take some sit down time to think and pray for the right words.
Pro-Choice. What does that even mean? I suppose it could mean anything to any people. So many labels. Pro-Choice. Pro-Life. Pro-Abortion. Anti-Life. Anti-Abortion. Some of these labels are self identified, by individuals and organizations. Some of these labels are thrown onto "the enemy," by individuals, organizations, media and pundits. So much of "don't call me this, call me that," "that label sounds cruel and heartless," "this label sounds more kinder."
That being said; let's focus mainly on the Pro-Choice label. Seems to have gone through many definitions since my abortion in 1995. Mainly, I have thought of it as someone who doesn't "personally support abortion, but supports other women's 'right' to abort." Of course there are others, from both "sides," who could explain the definition better.
I had always considered myself Pro-Life; since high school, at the time of my pregnancy with Anastasia, and even after the abortion. Ironic, huh? Yeah, I was Pro-Life, yet I couldn't even keep my own child, my flesh and blood, alive.
I recall sometime after the second abortion watching some sort of docudrama about Margaret Sanger, founder of Planned Parenthood, on Lifetime Television. You know, the network for women, about women, by women; or something like that. Actress Dana Delaney played the so-called "heroine." Off topic, but they did quite a good casting. They do resemble each other quite well.
Back to the subject at hand. While watching the movie the "big bad lawmakers," media, society, and law enforcement was being meany-weany to her. She was talking to doctors and "medical experts." Doing "research." Making housecalls to women who were doing the supposed coat hanger abortions on themselves at home. Oh I was sitting in front of the TV just rooting her on.
That's not even the worst. I was going through a cruel period in my life. I recall watching Maury or Sally Jesse, this was the big age of talk shows in the mid 90's. The show was girlfriends and ex-girlfriends revealing big major secrets. Believe it or not, I had the cruel fantasy of someday I would go on the show and reveal both abortions to "Matt." LORD forgive me!
Then, at some point I went through a black out period in regards to the abortions. Totally forgetting about them. Didn't think about them at all. Yet still, I considered myself Pro-Life.
Fast forward a decade or so. I started getting involved politically. I identified as a Republican. Got involved with political meetings. Did some volunteering for a few campaigns. Went to conventions and such.
Did quite a bit of conservative blogging. No, I will not reveal the old blog. It has been taken down, no more to be written there. One of the Republican and conservative issues is the Pro-Life cause, more or less. Again, remember, I was thinking myself Pro-Life. Yet in a few of my posts I was lamenting "why is everyone so obsessed with abortion."
It is rather hard to explain, but I had forgotten my abortions yet simultaneously remembering I had had abortions. My attitude toward those talking about Pro-Life was "stop obsessing," "yeah, abortion is bad," "but it's going to happen anyways," "it's been going on since just about the beginning of time," "focus on the economy."
I still believe there is a correlation between economy and abortion. But both need to be focused on. Believe it or not, I still considered myself Pro-Life. I don't even know if I supported making abortion illegal at the time.
In conclusion, many of those on the Pro-Life end of things say that if one does not believe in making abortion illegal and is whole heartedly against abortion for all then really you are Pro-Choice or Pro-Abortion. Basically, I have come to believe that yes I was once Pro-Choice.
I am now wholly and fully Pro-Life. I would like to talk more about how I came about that view. But I need to fill in a few gaps. It would have to include the beginning of my breakdown. That was not a one time thing. It was a slow process leading up. I am not sure I am ready for that. Perhaps I am. But it would take some sit down time to think and pray for the right words.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Hey You!
When you kill a child you also kill her mother, and sometimes father. If not physically, in the soul. And by "you" I am not just talking about the actual abortionist, but yeah, him too. Nor just his "assistants," but yeah, them too.
YOU are society. YOU are the politicians. YOU are the psychologists and sociologists. YOU are the "oh so enlightened" "inclusive" church that embraces "feminism."
Closer to home; YOU are the parents of the pregnant woman. YOU are her other family members. YOU are her husband, boyfriend, lover, or whatever. YOU are her teachers or advisers YOU are her boss or coworkers. YOU are her friends. YOU are her roommate. YOU are her neighbor.
Where were any of YOU when she needed you? Maybe YOU talked her into the abortion. Maybe YOU litterally forced it upon her. Maybe YOU were nonchalant about it and told her it was "her choice." Maybe YOU weren't even there for her, acting as though she weren't even pregnant. Maybe YOU tried to tamp her enthusiasm when she showed excitement towards her pregnancy and talked of the future with her baby. Maybe YOU thought you were doing "the right thing" when telling her to abort.
And YOU, don't think YOU are being let off the hook. Yeah, YOU, the woman in the mirror. I'm talking to YOU also. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Unless YOU were forced against your will, YOU are not totally blameless. YOU could have done something to save your child(ren). Couldn't you have? Didn't you know about other options? Did YOU even make an effort to check out other options? What about pregnancy care centers? What about adoption services? What about churches, or other religious organizations? Did YOU mention any of this to those around you trying to convince YOU to abort? What was there reaction? Why didn't they want YOU to research said options?
YOU are society. YOU are the politicians. YOU are the psychologists and sociologists. YOU are the "oh so enlightened" "inclusive" church that embraces "feminism."
Closer to home; YOU are the parents of the pregnant woman. YOU are her other family members. YOU are her husband, boyfriend, lover, or whatever. YOU are her teachers or advisers YOU are her boss or coworkers. YOU are her friends. YOU are her roommate. YOU are her neighbor.
Where were any of YOU when she needed you? Maybe YOU talked her into the abortion. Maybe YOU litterally forced it upon her. Maybe YOU were nonchalant about it and told her it was "her choice." Maybe YOU weren't even there for her, acting as though she weren't even pregnant. Maybe YOU tried to tamp her enthusiasm when she showed excitement towards her pregnancy and talked of the future with her baby. Maybe YOU thought you were doing "the right thing" when telling her to abort.
And YOU, don't think YOU are being let off the hook. Yeah, YOU, the woman in the mirror. I'm talking to YOU also. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Unless YOU were forced against your will, YOU are not totally blameless. YOU could have done something to save your child(ren). Couldn't you have? Didn't you know about other options? Did YOU even make an effort to check out other options? What about pregnancy care centers? What about adoption services? What about churches, or other religious organizations? Did YOU mention any of this to those around you trying to convince YOU to abort? What was there reaction? Why didn't they want YOU to research said options?
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