On my bedroom dresser is a photo of four generations of "girls" in my family, me, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. It was a studiophotograph taken in the late 1970's. I believe I was about three years old then.
Taking a day to just chilax today, was stretching out on the bed cat style. Meaning instead of lying in the specific spot for my head on the pillow and my feet placed at the foot of the bed, just lying down in any position I felt comfy. Looked over to the dresser. Saw the photo.
There should have been such a photo that would have included Ana and Hanna, along with myself, mother and grandmother. But there is no such photo. Because they were not allowed to be born. And ironically, that is because of a decision made by myself, my mother, and grandmother.
There never would have been a five generation photo that would have included my great grandmother, even should my daughters had been born. My great grandmother passed on the summer after my first abortion. She didn't know I was ever pregnant.
I do wonder how she would have reacted to news of my pregnancy had I told her. I am sure she would have been saddened by the fact that I was pregnant before marriage. But would she have been disappointed in me? That I am unsure of. Would she have supported me in a decision to keep my child, or put her up for adoption? I suppose these are things I will never know.
Whatever her initial reaction may have been, she very well could have even a proud, happy, and loving great-grandmother had your children been born and she had lived to hold them.
ReplyDeleteI know. So many woulda, coulda, shouldas. I miss her. And I miss that my daughters were never given a chance at life.
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