My Name is Kathy, I Live in Michigan

In May I was considering coming out of the closet, the abortion closet that is.  I was contemplating letting friends and family know I have had two abortions.  With much fear, I came out.  Is it freeing?  Perhaps.  But maybe not.  What made me finally decide to do it?  Issues with my mother.

How did I do it?  Due to issues with my mother I was texting with an out of state friend.  I was feeling stressed.  I decided right then and there the truth needed to be told.  I wanted to shout it out on Facebook.  I needed to shout it out somewhere.  I felt like I was going to burst!  Problem was, my internet access was down at the time.  After much prayerful thought I gave my friend the go ahead to post to my wall.  It was scary.  I did not know if I was doing the right thing or not.  All I could do was trust in God.  Many of my friends are pro-life.  I even have a few family members on Facebook.  I was afraid they may think of me as a bad person - not for having the abortion - but for letting out the secret.  Even though they did not know at the time.  I was afraid they would tell my mother.  And my mother would get upset at me, for revealing the secret sin.  I did receive support in comments.  The friend who posted was kind enough to share said comments. 

Why am I not so sure if it is freeing?  As I said above, there is that fear of what people would think.  I was afraid of loosing friends on Facebook.  But at the same time if they are going to stop being friends because of a past abortion sin then they were probably never friends.  In some ways I do want to lose friends.  I feel I don't deserve friends.  I feel I deserve to be left alone. 

Why did I do it?  It needs to be done.  The pro-abortion side is going into overdrive with their agenda.  Using TV and popular culture to make abortion look cool and normal.  Attacking pro-life movements outright.  Also, I felt stifled in my talking about pro-life issues.  I would start to talk about something and then feel like I would need to hold back.  I was afraid of others wondering how I would know anything about what it is really like for a post abortive woman.  I was afraid of them knowing I was post abortive.  When reading comments to posts from pro-life pages on social media I would see nasty judgmental comments.  I would want to respond.  I would overthink on how to reply and try to sound as impersonal as possible.  One of the many specifics I have wanted to talk about is how I think the "doctor" from the second abortion is somewhat a Kermit Gosnell of Michigan.  I want to be able to share the pro-life books I have read, here on this blog and on Facebook, without anyone getting suspicious.  If everyone knows who I am, there is no reason to fear.  And not having fear is how I can tackle the pro-abortion side.

Dreams of my Daughters

In dreams I walk with you
In dreams I talk to you
In dreams you're mine
All of the time
We're together, in dreams, in dreams... 
...In beautiful dreams of you

In Dreams ~ Roy Orbison

I have been singing this song in my head for the past couple days.  This is the chorus to the Roy Orbison song In Dreams.  I am a huge fan of Roy Orbison.  I love his music.  So passionate, so melancholy, so deep.  Most of his songs can be sad, full of lovelorn, unrequited love and love lost.  But recently I have been attaching the melancholy of his music to the grief over the loss of my daughters, especially this song.

Listen to the full song;

See, the thing is, I may have only started writing of my experiences just less than a year ago.  I had my breakdown in February of 2014.  But even before that, was when I think the lead up to my grief, I was confronted with the memories of the abortion deaths of Anastasia and Hanelore.
About 7 or 8 years ago I had a dream.  I was in the waiting room of a doctor's office, health clinic or hospital or somewhere.  There were two preteen girls.  I think the modern word now is tween.  The taller one who looked like she may have been older spoke to me.  I am not sure why, or how the conversation started.  She told me they were waiting for their mother.  She left them there and hasn't come back for them.  I couldn't imagine why a mother would leave her children at a doctor's office, or anywhere for that matter.  The girls never told me how long they had been waiting.
The older taller girl had long dark brown wavy hair.  Wasn't too big or too small body wise.  Had somewhat of a curvy shape of a young lady developing.  She had beautiful clear blue eyes.  I couldn't completely make out her face.  Her younger sister had long straight light auburn hair with a slight strawberry blonde tint.  She was very slender and wispy.  As if a bit of a medieval look to her.  She too, though I could not make out her facial features, had beautiful clear blue eyes.
I woke up, trying to figure out who those girls were and why I would dream about them.  Then it dawned on me.  They were my daughters!  The daughters I ordered the killing of.  I hadn't thought about the abortions since then.  I had slightly remembered.  But I had so put everything out of my mind that it was almost to the point of forgetting about them.

I still do dream about them.  Sometimes they are very young girls. Sometimes they are the ages they would be had they been allowed to live.  But mostly I wake up knowing I dreamt about them without recalling the details.  All I have are dreams...