This year the main focus decorations are a ceramic Nativity set of my grandma's with a new Creche I bought on Amazon and an Advent Wreath all prominently displayed on the mantle. Surrounded by a a couple of Eastern style icons. Previously I would go all out with bright colorful decorations and bright lights. All that I've got for the more "holiday themed" stuff is a small white tree with a few ornaments and white lights. I do have some of the old "holiday" decor scattered about on my desk, debating whether they should go back in the packing box. Not really sure where to put them.
For many of the Christmases during the past 20 years after the abortions; when I have seen children's toys prominently displayed I have had a strange yearning. A yearning to buy the toys. But I didn't know why. As I had no one to give the toys to. And up until early 2014, the abortions never even crossed my mind. I was a good little girl like my mom and Planned Parenthood told me to be and "forgot all about it."
I am not one to tell others of giving to charity. I find it rather tacky. But part for my healing I felt the need to purchase some little girl toys and give them to the local Toys for Tots. Though Anastasia and Hanelore would now be college age, I tried to think of what they would have liked to play with had they been allowed a childhood. I thought of things I liked when I was little. Got a set of white and pink pots and pans and cooking utensils, a purse puppy in a pink purse that comes with a a doggie brush and bone, a tiara princess set with white and pink rhinestones, an Elsa and Anna dolls from the Frozen movie. That movie didn't come out until a couple years ago, but I saw it once and thought it was a cute movie so I figured some little girls would like to play with them.
I am not going to buy anything for friends and family this year. I used to make presents for people. But this year my heart just isn't in it. Nor is my heart into buying presents.
I was fine up until I got into the store. Even while I was shopping for other things I needed in the house I was excited to buy the toys. But then when I got to the toy aisle I just about lost it. I was a bit teary eyed. Oh, and it didn't help there was a grandma shopping with her younger grandkids. Yeah, and grandma was probably no more than ten years older than me. Cute, I am almost grandma age and I don't even have kids. Though I was supposed to have them, but denied them. I was trying so hard not to cry in front of them all. Yay, and the store was playing the obligatory cheery happy "holiday" songs. You now about reindeer, Frosty the snowman, The Chipmunks singing "holiday" music, sitting cozy by the fireplace with your significant other, family gathering, etc. Oh happy joy!
Where I purchased the toys from no longer had the drop box. But I know other places in town have drop boxes. So I took the toys home and put them under the tree. Oddly, I found it rather comforting. Although it is rather bittersweet. Made me think of the presents I didn't get to, but should have put under the tree for my daughters. I have asked around and found a few places where I can take them before they get picked up. For now I will think of the little girls who will find joy in the toys.
