This is a hard post to write. After writing about the first abortion, in categorized posts, I was unable to go forward with writing about the second abortion. Perhaps the reason for that is mental exhaustion, feeling like collapsing after writing about it. Perhaps shame. I don't know. Maybe a bit of both.
It took me forever to even remember the abortions. Though I always knew in the back of my mind, I ignored them. Though they always affected my life in one way or another. The way I lived. The way I reacted around men. The men I chose, or more or less put up with and let choose me.
All the while I lied even to myself after remembering the abortions. I only told myself about the first one. Perhaps it was the differing reactions to finding out about the pregnancies. During the first pregnancy plans were being made for, Anastasia, my first daughter. The second time I never even acknowledged, Hanelore, the child within me. There are even more "blank spots" in this abortion.
Perhaps you may want to start and the beginning and read about the first abortions to know where my story starts and come back when you are finished; My first abortion story.
The following memories are quite fuzzy, possibly more so than those of the first abortion. So, since having the second abortion I moved away from (my hometown) and to (town my mom lived in). I was still seeing "Matt" after the move. I would drive to (his town) see him, or occasionally he would drive to (town) to see me. Of course we were having sexual relations. During one of the visits he saw my belly, it was getting bigger. In fact, I never really even noticed. He asked me if I were pregnant. I denied it, not just to him, but to myself also.
Even if after he pointed it out, I still ignored any thoughts of being pregnant. Then one day while I was at work I went to use the rest room. For some reason when I looked down at my belly I noticed that my tummy was bigger. Then that's when the reality hit that I could be pregnant. So many thoughts came running through all flashing at the speed of light.
I was scared, I recalled everything that went on during the first pregnancy and abortion. "Matt's" reaction and attitude. My mother's attitude and coercion. I really didn't know what to do. I hate to admit it, but I could not envision carrying the pregnancy to term. But I did not like the idea of going through another abortion.
I guess I picked up an at home pregnancy test after work. I don't know. I know sometime soon after I did purchase said test. Maybe it was the next day or during one of my first day off after seeing my large belly. I do remember when seeing the positive results. I know it was quite early in the morning. I was hopelessly frantic. The first thought was abortion, totally unlike the reaction to the first pregnancy.
Very odd, but the first person I called was a professor from college. I should probably back track there. See, even though I was in a relationship with "Matt" I was seeing a professor from the college I was attending. Seeing as in having a bit of a fling. The class I met him in had already finished before anything happened between us. Not that I am excusing anything, just adding the back story.
Gosh, I have no idea how early in the day it was. Just I know it was quite early. I think I woke him up when I called. No "hey, how you doing" I just simply blurted out "I have to have an abortion!". He just said "I can't talk right now." My heart just sank. I felt even more alone than I did before. I didn't even think he could be the father. He had been using condoms during our "trysts." I suppose there could have been a minuscule chance, but I was thinking of Mike being the father. I guess the reason for calling him may have been deep down I wanted him to convince me not to.
Feeling scared, confused and trapped; I looked in the phone book looking under "abortions." I found one ad that said something to the effect of "Pregnant? Feeling scared? Wanting an abortion? Call us." So that's what I did. I called. Some lady answered. I blurted out that I was looking to have an abortion. The lady was really snotty. She said "We don't do abortions!" In a very judgmental tone, and hung up. Not sure which of us hung up first.
I felt even more bad. I thought I could do this on my own without anyone knowing. Now what was I going to do? I was too scared to call anyone after that. I guessed I was going to have to tell my mother.
Looking back, the place I called with the snotty lady was most likely a pregnancy crisis center. Fine, they didn't do abortions. But why couldn't she have tried to talk to me? Ask me questions? Ask why I wanted an abortion? Tried to talk me out of it?
Later in the day Mr. Professor called me. Said he was sorry he wasn't able to talk to me when I called. He was telling me I should have the abortion and that it would probably be best. He told me that he knew others who had abortions. I still wasn't even thinking about the first abortion. It's like I remembered it, but didn't. Looking back, I wonder if he ever wondered if there was a possibility it was his child.
Fast forward to Fourth of July 1996. My family was planning on having a picnic at my grandmother's. My mother and I drove in separate cars. The plan was to meet "Matt" after both of our families had their picnics. I just couldn't face him. I didn't want to. I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to be able to see him. I broke up with him over the phone. He accused me of cheating. I denied it. Yes, I know, Mr. Professor, and all. But he didn't know. There's no way he could know. OK, so there's no excuse.
I just wanted to be alone, away from people. I left my grandmother's. Told my mom I wasn't feeling well. Drove home.
When my mother got home I broke down and told her. I told her I wanted an abortion. She never questioned me or asked if maybe I would want to carry the baby to terms. She asked if I was certain I was pregnant. I told her I was sure and that the pregnancy test had two tests in the kit. Didn't even have to wait the 5 or 10 minutes or however long the instructions said. I could practically see the results show up as I was peeing on the stick.
At some point a doctor's appointment was made. It was confirmed I was pregnant. My mother told the doctor I was for certain going to have an abortion. The insurance and the doctor was connected the Catholic hospital in town. He said because of that he couldn't refer me to an abortionist. Yet, he didn't try to convince me not to have the abortion.
Eventually I was given a vaginal exam at another doctor's office. Oddly, while I don't remember the abortionist from the first abortion, I do remember this guy. He was a short and somewhat chubby. I don't remember his name. He was either Mexican, Mid Eastern or India Indian. Had somewhat of an accent. Doing some internet searching I think, but not sure, he is someone who has gotten in trouble with the state and a few women have died under his "care." But again, I can't say for certain That it is him. I have no idea how far along I was. Not one stinking clue. I was never even told.
Then the time for the abortion came. It was done at one of the hospitals. Obviously not the above mentioned Catholic hospital. The only thing I really recall is an older lady in the waiting room. She asked what we were there for. I didn't know what to say. My mother "chimed in" and said I was having a D & C. The lady responded that she had that done after having a miscarriage. And that was it.
I don't remember anything after that. I was put on full anesthesia. Out cold. Don't even know if the doctor from the exam was the one who did the procedure or if it was someone else. I do not recall waking up from the procedure. I do not know if they had me rest afterward or for how long. I really don't remember leaving or the car ride back home with my mom. The one and only thing I remember is my mom commenting about the lady in the waiting office; saying that she was being nosy or something like that.
I think I had a day or two of recovery. Maybe more. I don't know. I think my mom went back to work after I got home. I do know that when I went back to work there was some reason I had to grab something from storage. In part of the post abortion instructions I was told I was not to lift heavy objects. Considering that no one knew about the abortion I could not just tell the manager that I wasn't going to grab the item for no reason.
The end, but not really...
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Abortion and Hoarding? A Connection?
Still working on things to talk about in regards to the Rachel's
Vineyard Retreat. In the meantime; I had planned on doing spring
cleaning early. I started, really I did. Look, it's May already and
not even close to finished! Well, I did try. Still planning on working
on that. Got a good portion done in the kitchen.
Went through a lot of my, let's call it what it is, crap! That's what it is. So many things found in my cupboards just sitting there taking up space for absolutely no reason. I have no clue whatsoever how it ended up in my house or what even possessed me to purchase it. Granted, some of it was given to me by friends and family. And for whatever reason I just could not tell them "thanks but no thanks."
Oh, it's not just kitchen items that I "collect." It's anything and everything. I really don't collect anything specific; I likes, I buys. I mean I do have some collections that fit in a certain category. And that's what I am trying to do in my sorting and separating. If the item is not part of a collection and really truly isn't very useful for any purpose then out it goes. By which I mean not throwing anything away, I plan on having a garage sale. Anything I don't sell will be donated to the thrift store. Yay, you can have my junk! Lucky you!
So here is where the deep thoughts come in. So here I am, looking at the said "crap." Wondering why I even bought it. Then I wondered, is this one of the residual effects of my abortion? When I go to a store, thrift shop or garage sale I have this overwhelming sense to buy something, anything, doesn't matter what. I can search through the store and not find one stinking thing. So I find some cheap little trinket. Possibly a 10c. Mason jar. I really don't need that 10c. Mason jar, and I know at the time I don't need it, yet I buy it just so I can leave with something in my hands.
Here is where the possible connection to the abortion comes in. I left the abortion clinics empty handed. Looking back, I feel empty from the abortions. Like I left something behind. I don't want to feel empty. Yet, after the shopping high is over, I don't feel any better. Especially if money is getting tight afterwards. I regret the purchase. Individual items may be cheap, but those little items can add up. Both financially and physically.
Again, as I have said a million times before, I am no expert. I have no idea if there really is an abortion and hoarding connection. Maybe I am the only one this happens to. And of course I do know not everyone who hoards has had an abortion and/or has been affected be abortion in one way or the other. I just know this is a reality for me. A reality I need to change.
Went through a lot of my, let's call it what it is, crap! That's what it is. So many things found in my cupboards just sitting there taking up space for absolutely no reason. I have no clue whatsoever how it ended up in my house or what even possessed me to purchase it. Granted, some of it was given to me by friends and family. And for whatever reason I just could not tell them "thanks but no thanks."
Oh, it's not just kitchen items that I "collect." It's anything and everything. I really don't collect anything specific; I likes, I buys. I mean I do have some collections that fit in a certain category. And that's what I am trying to do in my sorting and separating. If the item is not part of a collection and really truly isn't very useful for any purpose then out it goes. By which I mean not throwing anything away, I plan on having a garage sale. Anything I don't sell will be donated to the thrift store. Yay, you can have my junk! Lucky you!
So here is where the deep thoughts come in. So here I am, looking at the said "crap." Wondering why I even bought it. Then I wondered, is this one of the residual effects of my abortion? When I go to a store, thrift shop or garage sale I have this overwhelming sense to buy something, anything, doesn't matter what. I can search through the store and not find one stinking thing. So I find some cheap little trinket. Possibly a 10c. Mason jar. I really don't need that 10c. Mason jar, and I know at the time I don't need it, yet I buy it just so I can leave with something in my hands.
Here is where the possible connection to the abortion comes in. I left the abortion clinics empty handed. Looking back, I feel empty from the abortions. Like I left something behind. I don't want to feel empty. Yet, after the shopping high is over, I don't feel any better. Especially if money is getting tight afterwards. I regret the purchase. Individual items may be cheap, but those little items can add up. Both financially and physically.
Again, as I have said a million times before, I am no expert. I have no idea if there really is an abortion and hoarding connection. Maybe I am the only one this happens to. And of course I do know not everyone who hoards has had an abortion and/or has been affected be abortion in one way or the other. I just know this is a reality for me. A reality I need to change.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Thoughts on Rachel's Vineyard Retreat
Wow, February 13, 2015; last time I wrote a post? Has it been that long? I have had so many thoughts swirling around in that time. I have wrote out quick quips at the Anastasia and Hanelore Twitter account. I am feeling that now is the time to write a few new posts.
This past weekend I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat. While I am still processing everything that happened, I would like to express a few of my quick observations. Perhaps I will write more in detail, without being too personal, at a later time.
For post abortion healing this is a great retreat! I felt validated to connect with men and women who have been through what I have been going through for the past 20 years. While their experiences may not have been exactly as mine, I finally felt as though others understood my pain. There was much peace and healing. I was given many gifts from the retreat, leaders and most importantly a gift of peace from the Lord.
It may have been Catholic oriented, but all from all faiths are welcome. I was the only non-Catholic there. In fact, I am a Christian, a member of a local church, still no "actual" connection to an actual church. (That is a subject for another post) Yet, I felt very accepted by everyone. I even had my own Marian experience/image. Nothing like "an image of Mary on my toast" kind of thing, but through meditation.
Everyone was given a journal to write their thoughts and stories. I didn't write anything while there. I did stay at a nearby hotel after the retreat was over. There, I did start to write into the journal. I have more to write into it. I can pour out more personally into that. I wanted to make sure I wrote down who gave me what gifts, so as to remember and treasure them. As to treasure within my heart the persons who gave them to me.
Oh, there is so much I want to share, but again, I want to write out personally pouring out my heart. Then edit out that which would be too personal. There were so many meditation places within the center to reflect on Christ's Sacrifice and God's love for ALL us sinners. I will forever treasure everything within my heart.
During my stay at the hotel I created a "portable shrine" from many of the items received from the retreat. After coming home I set up the shrine at my kitchen table, along with personal family oriented items added. I prayed the rosary at this personal shrine, along with a quiet meditation. I truly felt at peace. A peace I have never experienced before.
Please join me in following reflections and growth to come...
This past weekend I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat. While I am still processing everything that happened, I would like to express a few of my quick observations. Perhaps I will write more in detail, without being too personal, at a later time.
For post abortion healing this is a great retreat! I felt validated to connect with men and women who have been through what I have been going through for the past 20 years. While their experiences may not have been exactly as mine, I finally felt as though others understood my pain. There was much peace and healing. I was given many gifts from the retreat, leaders and most importantly a gift of peace from the Lord.
It may have been Catholic oriented, but all from all faiths are welcome. I was the only non-Catholic there. In fact, I am a Christian, a member of a local church, still no "actual" connection to an actual church. (That is a subject for another post) Yet, I felt very accepted by everyone. I even had my own Marian experience/image. Nothing like "an image of Mary on my toast" kind of thing, but through meditation.
Everyone was given a journal to write their thoughts and stories. I didn't write anything while there. I did stay at a nearby hotel after the retreat was over. There, I did start to write into the journal. I have more to write into it. I can pour out more personally into that. I wanted to make sure I wrote down who gave me what gifts, so as to remember and treasure them. As to treasure within my heart the persons who gave them to me.
Oh, there is so much I want to share, but again, I want to write out personally pouring out my heart. Then edit out that which would be too personal. There were so many meditation places within the center to reflect on Christ's Sacrifice and God's love for ALL us sinners. I will forever treasure everything within my heart.
During my stay at the hotel I created a "portable shrine" from many of the items received from the retreat. After coming home I set up the shrine at my kitchen table, along with personal family oriented items added. I prayed the rosary at this personal shrine, along with a quiet meditation. I truly felt at peace. A peace I have never experienced before.
Please join me in following reflections and growth to come...
Friday, February 13, 2015
Additions to Previous Post
I reread the previous post Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) an added more that I originally wanted to say when first published. The following is what I added. If you have not read the full post already, please click the link in the title above.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Dear Young Woman...(A Letter) EDITED
Below is the edited add ons; with an * in front.
So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet. I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet. But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past. It will not bring my babies back. So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.
Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),
I don't know you. You don't know me. But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance. You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy. You are searching the internet looking for advice. You are unsure what to do. Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption. You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do. Some of them you know personally. Others are just noise in the media. You have no room in your mind to think. Girl, I know. I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella. Rings and wedding plans already made. Perhaps you are in a casual relationship. Maybe you are already married already with or without other children. Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared. Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception. My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion. Saying it is the only way or the best way. You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do. The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue. It's not a person. It is so small that it can't really be a person. Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body? Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now. Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows. They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby. Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him. Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption. Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family.
Maybe you are on the other spectrum. Maybe you do want an abortion. Maybe those around you do support your decision. Maybe they don't. Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization. I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life. So I can't give the best advice that others can give you. But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion. And I do know how the after effects will be. Once it is done there is no turning back. There is no bringing that baby back. Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion. Time does not heal. Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later. To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side. This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of raising the child or releasing to adoption. There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
So often I see these "letters to my younger self" making the rounds on the internet. I am sure they are all well and good and can provide a therapeutic outlet. But writing a letter to my younger self will not change the past. It will not bring my babies back. So I prefer to write a letter to the woman who is currently pregnant and unsure what to do.
Dear Young Woman (or possibly not so young),
I don't know you. You don't know me. But I do know what it is like to be in your circumstance. You are currently experiencing an unexpected pregnancy. You are searching the internet looking for advice. You are unsure what to do. Or perhaps you are sure you want to raise your baby or release her to adoption. You have so many voices telling you what or what not to do. Some of them you know personally. Others are just noise in the media. You have no room in your mind to think. Girl, I know. I feel for you.
Perhaps you are recently out of high school and planning to marry your fella. Rings and wedding plans already made. Perhaps you are in a casual relationship. Maybe you are already married already with or without other children. Perhaps you are still in school, feeling very scared. Perhaps you never even consented to the acts of conception. My heart and tears go out to you.
Whatever your situation may be those around you may be telling you to have an abortion. Saying it is the only way or the best way. You want so bad not to have an abortion, but don't know what to do. The people talking you into having an abortion may be telling you things like it is just a blob of tissue. It's not a person. It is so small that it can't really be a person. Yet, why are so many physical changes taking places in your body? Yes, they are correct as to him being small right now. Yet your body knows he is supposed to be there and changing as he grows. They are telling you reasons why you can't have the baby. Maybe you are countering them with how you will raise your baby in the best environment you can give him. Or maybe you are countering them with the idea of adoption. Whether the persons talking you into abortion are family, baby's father, or his family; perhaps they are telling you that if the baby can't stay in the family then he can't be raised in another family.
Maybe you are on the other spectrum. Maybe you do want an abortion. Maybe those around you do support your decision. Maybe they don't. Perhaps you still aren't sure if you will be making the right decision.
I am not part of any organization. I am new to the blogging thing about pro-life. So I can't give the best advice that others can give you. But what I can tell you is that there is a great chance you will regret going through an abortion. And I do know how the after effects will be. Once it is done there is no turning back. There is no bringing that baby back. Most likely you will go through many issues should you have the abortion. Time does not heal. Perhaps you will be fine for a while, but most likely you will hurt many years later. To receive better advice than what I can give, please check some of the links to the right side. This is a very short list of organizations that can help you, either in your decision of raising the child or releasing to adoption. There are many blogs that discuss what the abortion issue is truly about.
* I would like to add that you may be scared to contact organizations or persons whom you don't know. Maybe you are scared of the "judgmental pro-life" stereotypes. Maybe you are scared of "telling others your business." Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I knew about adoption agencies such as adoptions within the Catholic Social Services during my first pregnancy. I did not know of any crisis pregnancy centers at the time. Perhaps they existed, but not as well publicized as now. I was too scared to call them. This being the era before the internet. You may be saying "But I am not Catholic." They will help you anyways. And there are many other adoption services that are not Catholic or non Christian at all; please check here adoption services. When I suggested during the "family intervention" about adoptions through Catholic Social Services I was told "But our family is not Catholic. We wouldn't want Catholics to raise the child." Or something like that. Not calling them is the biggest regret I will have for the rest of my life. I would rather wonder about my "good little Catholic" daughter and what happened to her and how she is doing now than knowing that she was denied a life for the "family image."
*If you are reading this and knowing someone in an unexpected pregnancy who may be feeling the pressure of abortion or she is contemplating it herself you may be feeling discouraged if you are her lone voice. Please, please do not give up. Give her all the pro-life information you can.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Don't Say That!
In trying to heal and talk through my feelings with my mother I have heard the same tired old trite "I know plenty of women who have had abortions and they are fine. They are married, happy and have children. Blah, blah, blah." This seems to be a tactic of the pro-abortion side. All it does is makes post abortion women who have anxiety issues feel bad about themselves. They end up feeling marginalized, useless, weird, wrong, crazy, add your own adjective.
In fact, every time I talk to my mother it seems I find a new relative who had an abortion. One of these is a cousin of her's. She claims that the cousin is happily married with children and grandchildren. Come to find out, she never heard it from the cousin. I don't know who the source is. But how the hell does she know if the cousin is happy or not, if she has not heard her views from the person directly? I wonder how many others of the "women she knows" are merely third hand?
I have Googled for advice as to what or what not to say to someone who has had an abortion(s). The following, from AfterAbortion.org is probably the best source I found with both don'ts with a corresponding do. I will list the don'ts and link to the full article.
DON'T SAY
DON’T shut them off by changing the subject.
DON’T presume to know their own unique situation or condemn them for making a bad or immoral choice.
DON’T deny that they lost a child.
DON’T encourage them to blame others for the abortion. But don’t push them to forgive others, especially when they are in the initial stages of venting their anger and rage.
DON’T dismiss their feeling or tell them “did what was best,” or to just “get over it.”
DON’T suggest that having another child “someday” can make up for the one that was lost. This can negate their pain, suffering and feelings of loss for that particular child. Future children are a blessing and comfort, but they can’t replace the child who was lost.
DON’T leave them without offering your support and, if needed, encouraging them to seek out the help of post-abortion counselors or peer support groups.
DON’T be afraid to ask them how they are doing with it in the future.
These are just the Don'ts. Please do go to the full link, http://afterabortion.org/1999/what-to-say-and-not-say-when-talking-to-someone-who-has-had-an-abortion/ to also read the dos.
In fact, every time I talk to my mother it seems I find a new relative who had an abortion. One of these is a cousin of her's. She claims that the cousin is happily married with children and grandchildren. Come to find out, she never heard it from the cousin. I don't know who the source is. But how the hell does she know if the cousin is happy or not, if she has not heard her views from the person directly? I wonder how many others of the "women she knows" are merely third hand?
I have Googled for advice as to what or what not to say to someone who has had an abortion(s). The following, from AfterAbortion.org is probably the best source I found with both don'ts with a corresponding do. I will list the don'ts and link to the full article.
DON'T SAY
DON’T shut them off by changing the subject.
DON’T presume to know their own unique situation or condemn them for making a bad or immoral choice.
DON’T deny that they lost a child.
DON’T encourage them to blame others for the abortion. But don’t push them to forgive others, especially when they are in the initial stages of venting their anger and rage.
DON’T dismiss their feeling or tell them “did what was best,” or to just “get over it.”
DON’T suggest that having another child “someday” can make up for the one that was lost. This can negate their pain, suffering and feelings of loss for that particular child. Future children are a blessing and comfort, but they can’t replace the child who was lost.
DON’T leave them without offering your support and, if needed, encouraging them to seek out the help of post-abortion counselors or peer support groups.
DON’T be afraid to ask them how they are doing with it in the future.
These are just the Don'ts. Please do go to the full link, http://afterabortion.org/1999/what-to-say-and-not-say-when-talking-to-someone-who-has-had-an-abortion/ to also read the dos.
A Letter to my Mother
I have been going through some issues lately. My anxiety seems to come and go. Some days I am totally fine. Others I am a total basket case. During the "basket days" I can go from lethargy to anger and back and forth. One thing going on is my relationship with my mother. We have never really been estranged, but more strained. I have tried to open up communications, at first I thought she was understanding, but I feel it is more she waits for me to show vulnerability to attack me while I am wounded. The following is the first letter/email of my "coming out" in regards to the anxiety about the abortions so many years ago. I did not mention my personal abortions, just alluding to them. The letter has been slightly edited to eliminate names and/or locations that would identify me.
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon. I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits. And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet. Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics. And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector. Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix. Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion. If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
Hi Mom,
I will be going to grandma's on December...Christmas.
I am thinking about moving back (to hometown area). And I know I have the house and everything. I really appreciate everything you have done. But I am just not happy here anymore. I don't think I can really be happy anywhere. But I believe I could be happier (there). I would like to find a Christ centered Bible believing church. One that believes and teaches that all of the Bible is truth. Somewhere that has people of all walks of life. I think I can only find that (there). Plus I can be closer to grandma.I just want to get rid of most everything that is not needed. I have been hoarding to replace many emptinesses in my life. I have now realized that none of those are going to fill any of the voids in my life. I have been feeling this way since March of this year (2014). Perhaps even longer. But I think now I am just starting to realize the causes of my emptiness.
I will be turning 40 soon. I feel as though so much of my life has been wasted.on petty pursuits. And what do I have to show for it? Cremated cats on the fireplace shelf and one living cat. As much as I love (current cat) and the other cats before him, they are not a real family. It may be too late to have biological children of my own. But it is not too late to possibly find a man who is kind, Christian, could be a provider and protector, believes in a fidelity minded marriage, etc. And for kids there could always be adoption.
In some ways it may be good that I was never in a location where I could meet any men. I have not really liked myself much for the past almost 20 years. And creepy guys can sense that and "go in for the kill." I have spent too much time with a slight man-hating personality. Telling myself I don't want or need some stinkin man and have kids. I have convinced myself I don't like kids. All in order to protect myself and my emotions. Yet kids seem to like me.
Also I would like to become a pro-life advocate. And for me, I think I could only do that (locale). There is actually a pro-life coordinator in (this town). I don't think they do much except for an annual banquet. Perhaps they join the pro-lifers in (that other town) for things. I know this is something we don't see eye to eye on. But please understand that this is an issue that means a lot to me.
The pro-life movement is not all about "whackos" standing in front of Planned Parenthood shouting at and shaming pregnant women, calling them sinners, heathens, sluts, telling them they are going to hell or whatever. Yes, there are some like that. But that is a small minority. There are probably more whackos in the pro-choice movement than in the pro-life camp. Advocates help women in crisis pregnancies in many ways. Give them information on alternatives to abortion, guide them to agencies that can help them find housing; nutrition; medical care; taking care of basic bills, online and phone counseling. Talk to them outside of the clinics with care and compassion and a listening ear without shaming them.
And no, no one is influencing my views. I have read up on the information. I have read stories of regret, some from women as old as grandma (who are still hurting). And many of those who had the "procedure" done during the 40's, 50's or 60s had it done in a back room during off hours of a general physician. I have seen the horror stories of filthy clinics. And deaths still happen despite "legalization." Women who get infections due to carelessness from the actions of the clinics that never receive unannounced inspections from a local health inspector. Women whose organs are ruptured from the procedures. Women who become infertile. Women who have miscarriages due to damage of the cervix. Women who neglect the children they had before or after the abortions and lack any emotional intimacy with husbands or boyfriends. Pictures of post aborted babies. No matter how you slice it (no pun intended) it is not the same as "removing a tumor." A tumor is not supposed to be inside of a body. A baby is. The pregnancy may not have been planned, but in general it is a part of human nature. There is no perfect world. Even when the parents are married and purposefully attempt to become pregnant.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write so much. And I ask that you do your own research and come to your own conclusion to see if I am "being brainwashed" or if I have come to a logical conclusion. If you have any questions on more of why I am pro-life and/or information please ask, but do not attack.
Love,
(Your Daughter)
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